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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in Law is being unreasonable

125 replies

Boymama21 · 09/11/2021 16:04

I'm in some serious need of advice in regards to my mother in law.
I'm a new mum as of 5 weeks ago and am enjoying getting used to motherhood and getting to know my new baby and bonding with him. When he was around 2 weeks old my partners mum offered to take him to her house for a couple of hours so I could sleep and have some me time, I agreed as I was shattered and was suffering with minor baby blues - few hours went by and I went to pick him up and not thinking I said to her she could have him once a week for a few hours and she was more than happy to do it, he's her first grandchild so you can imagine how she's feeling towards my son (absolutely over the moon about him) she had him another time and it made me realise I don't want her having him every week for a few hours or the full day as I want him with me all the time - she asked my partner the other day if she could have our son for the day and we told her I want him with me all the time as I'm a new mum and am still bonding with my baby - she immediately got mardy about this and was being off with us, we said she could come to the house over the weekend she made excuses, next day we had a massive row over the phone and she says she just wants time with him on her own to bond with him, she has said she will not have him overnight next weekend while me and partner are out for his birthday and told us we should stay in, the thought of him being away overnight kills me but with it being my partners birthday we want to go out for a meal - she's not talking to us as the moment all because I don't want to be apart from him for a day for her to have him. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable, my family don't think I am as I'm a new mum but she doesn't seem to get that!
She also took him for his first ever walk in his pram when I didn't want her to! Advice and opinions would be much appreciated and sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
TotallySuper · 09/11/2021 18:17

OP you said

"she had him another time and it made me realise I don't want her having him every week for a few hours or the full day as I want him with me all the time"

Just to say I had post natal depression and this is how it presented - I didn't/couldn't be away from my baby at all for a few months and finally realised the way I was feeling wasn't 100% normal. Be kind to yourself but these mixed messages to your MIL are not fair.

lynntheyresexpeople · 09/11/2021 18:17

@authenticforgery

I actually feel bad for the MIL here. One minute she's being told she can have him one day a week, then she can't because you need him all the time. But then you want her to take him overnight while he's still tiny Confused poor woman literally cannot win.
This is exactly what I was going to say - no wonder she's told you she isn't having him overnight, id do the same. Can see why she's pissed off tbh.
PercyPiginaWig · 09/11/2021 18:22

@drivinmecrazy

Why not take the baby out with you for a meal? When they're that young they can mange in the car seat for a few hours under the table. Mine certainly did!! But a bit of a word of warning, did exactly this when DD1 was five weeks old (very nearly 21 now 😢). Twas a big familiar dinner and she was silent under the table. Getting into the taxi it was my DF that noticed we didn't have the baby with us. We'd complete forgotten we were parents for a moment and had to do the walk of shame and explain to the maitre d that we'd left out DD under the table. I can't imagine ever leaving a baby that young for an overnight with a caregiver who wasn't bonded with my baby.
You really shouldn't have a young baby in a car seat for that long but you could have them in the pram.

OP I can't see why your partner's birthday means an overnight stay in any case.
Get a takeaway or go for dinner with the baby. Unless birthday dinner means then going for drinks or clubbing, in which case maybe you could postpone until your baby is a bit older.

SickAndTiredAgain · 09/11/2021 18:25

I was totally with you until the overnight thing. Of course you can change your mind about something you said 2 weeks postpartum. And she’s unreasonable to get annoyed.
This bit though:
She also took him for his first ever walk in his pram when I didn't want her to!

A first walk isn’t a thing, it doesn’t matter. But what do you mean she took him for a walk when you didn’t want her to? Was she looking after him and took him out - in which case I think you’re being unreasonable. Or were you there, and she steamrollered you into allowing her to take him? In which case you are not being unreasonable.

TrulyPistoff · 09/11/2021 18:31

she has said she will not have him overnight next weekend while me and partner are out for his birthday and told us we should stay in, the thought of him being away overnight kills me but with it being my partners birthday we want to go out for a meal

If it killed you, you wouldn’t do it. Get a takeaway.

Brainwave89 · 09/11/2021 18:35

Hi OP. From the outside it looks like YABU. You do not want to be separated from your newborn (fine, I was the same). Except when you want to go out for DH birthday and it suits you to be. The DG is trying to be helpful, but are yanking her chain a bit here. Decide what you want and be consistent. This is only fair.

Charlene1971 · 09/11/2021 18:44

I think it's very hard to get the appropriate type of advice here to be honest. I know how it feels to be a new mother, and I HATED being away from my baby, even for an hour. I remember counting down the minutes when I was showering because I was so desperate to see my baby again when I got out of the shower. I grew out of it, but it's so hard at the start.

I think the only fair opinions here will be from the non-biased grandmother's, as they know how it feels to be a new mother, and a grandmother. Just try to remember that this will be hard for her too, and try to remember that, not only are you a new mother, but she's new grandmother too ❤

Saying that, I don't think YABU because she seems to be only willing to mind your DS when she wants to, and it seems she's being spiteful when it comes to your night out?

Mantlemoose · 09/11/2021 18:46

26 years ago and this could have been my SIL writing this post. My DM offered to have GS for an afternoon once a week so SIL could do whatever she wanted. DM was told no, SIL was perfectly able to look after her own child. FF 26 years SIL alienated everyone on our side as it caused so much bad feeling the way it was done. Rarely has DM seen her GCs and it is so sad because she is the sweetest kindest person in the world. Embrace your MIL.

FlorenceWintle · 09/11/2021 18:46

@Skeumorph

He shouldn't be 'bonding' with her at 5 weeks though.

That's actually not good for attachment. In the early months, he should be with his primary carer - YOU -as much as is possible.

The more time with you the better for him, the better for his secure attachment and the better (ultimately) for all his relationships.

Ironically, the more he's passed around to other family members for 'bonding' at this age, the less happy a baby he is likely to be and the less happy he will be when older to be away from you and spend time with them!

Securely attached babies who have a peaceful, with mum as much as possible start to life are generally happier to then start spending time away from mum with gran, etc. later on.

This. He’s too young to be away from you for more than an hour or two, and definitely not overnight.
Hertsgirl10 · 09/11/2021 18:47

So you don’t want her to have the kid unless it’s convenient for you? If she has him overnight it won’t take from your bonding but her having him once a week does?

Fallagain · 09/11/2021 18:49

Is this a reverse?

FlorenceWintle · 09/11/2021 18:49

I know how it feels to be a new mother, and I HATED being away from my baby, even for an hour. I remember counting down the minutes when I was showering because I was so desperate to see my baby again when I got out of the shower. I grew out of it, but it's so hard at the start.

This is perfectly normal and is in fact, Mother Nature doing her job to ensure we survive as a species. Not something to be resisted.

Charlene1971 · 09/11/2021 18:49

Just to add to my previous message. Have you told your MIL that she can't have him every week because you can't bear to be away from him, but asked if she can have him overnight whilst you go out for a meal?

Your MIL might be a bit confused at that one, and may think your just being awkward for the sake of it? But maybe I've read that wrong?

Charlene1971 · 09/11/2021 18:50

@FlorenceWintle

I know how it feels to be a new mother, and I HATED being away from my baby, even for an hour. I remember counting down the minutes when I was showering because I was so desperate to see my baby again when I got out of the shower. I grew out of it, but it's so hard at the start.

This is perfectly normal and is in fact, Mother Nature doing her job to ensure we survive as a species. Not something to be resisted.

Thank you ❤ funnily enough some people told me I was "too precious". I didn't give a sod! Lol
diddl · 09/11/2021 18:58

@Whenigrowupiwanttobea

Another MIL throwing her toys out of the pram because she cannot have her own way!!! Let her get on with it!
I'm sure that MIL feels taken advantage of though after being asked to have the baby regularly, then not as Op can't bear it but then an overnight for a meal out!

It is a shame that she has refused to visit, but I don't blame her for saying no to the overnight.

Hollyoakswatcher · 09/11/2021 19:02

OP you are getting a really hard time on here,

I agree that MIL is not being unreasonable to not have your baby overnight, there is a massive difference between babysitting overnight and for a few hours.

However, of course parents pick and choose when babysitting is involved, I find it baffling that anybody thinks any different, I’ve never heard of anybody who has asked someone to babysit for them and they’ve turned around and said no I’m not doing it until I have had a few babysitting sessions of my choosing 🙄

Find someone else to look after the baby if you can and enjoy your night.

confuseddotcom1234 · 09/11/2021 19:04

The joy of having a baby that little is that you can go out for a meal with them. You can't ask her to have him when it suits you but then get funny about her spending time with him. Enjoy your baby and being a family and embrace that life

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 19:12

However, of course parents pick and choose when babysitting is involved, I find it baffling that anybody thinks any different,

Normally every single person here would agree with you @Hollyoakswatcher, however the issue here is that OP said MIL could have the baby every week, then said she couldn't because she wants the baby with her all the time, then expected MIL to have the baby overnight.

She either wants the baby with her all the time or she's willing to make exceptions.

Hollyoakswatcher · 09/11/2021 19:18

I do understand what you mean @girlmom21 and there was definitely a mistake in saying yes in the first place but I think it’s a bit unfair because I do think there is a difference in being apart from your baby for one night on special occasions and for a few hours or overnight every week which is what the MIL is asking for.

Hollyoakswatcher · 09/11/2021 19:20

Sorry just realised not overnight but for the day.

CheltenhamLady · 09/11/2021 19:22

You are being quite precious OP.

You are picking and choosing just when you can't bear to be away from your child. If it suits you or your partner it is ok, but not to keep to a regular arrangement.

Having such a young baby overnight is a big responsibility and one that is a big ask.

Sit down and have a chat with her and tell her you have overreacted and agree on a plan going forward.

Chelyanne · 09/11/2021 19:25

You've sent mixed messages which is unfair. YANBU wanting to have baby with you all the time but to then ask her to have him for a meal out Hmm. She can pick and choose when to help you out too.

WalkingOnSonshine · 09/11/2021 19:27

She can’t win and you’re completely sending mixed messages.

You can still be acting like a bit of a dick, being a new mum doesn’t excuse you from that.

Beautiful3 · 09/11/2021 19:28

Yabu sorry. You can't have it both ways. I would kill for a babysitter once a week for 2 hours!

CurseofChristmas · 09/11/2021 19:29

YABU. You can't have it both ways!