Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in Law is being unreasonable

125 replies

Boymama21 · 09/11/2021 16:04

I'm in some serious need of advice in regards to my mother in law.
I'm a new mum as of 5 weeks ago and am enjoying getting used to motherhood and getting to know my new baby and bonding with him. When he was around 2 weeks old my partners mum offered to take him to her house for a couple of hours so I could sleep and have some me time, I agreed as I was shattered and was suffering with minor baby blues - few hours went by and I went to pick him up and not thinking I said to her she could have him once a week for a few hours and she was more than happy to do it, he's her first grandchild so you can imagine how she's feeling towards my son (absolutely over the moon about him) she had him another time and it made me realise I don't want her having him every week for a few hours or the full day as I want him with me all the time - she asked my partner the other day if she could have our son for the day and we told her I want him with me all the time as I'm a new mum and am still bonding with my baby - she immediately got mardy about this and was being off with us, we said she could come to the house over the weekend she made excuses, next day we had a massive row over the phone and she says she just wants time with him on her own to bond with him, she has said she will not have him overnight next weekend while me and partner are out for his birthday and told us we should stay in, the thought of him being away overnight kills me but with it being my partners birthday we want to go out for a meal - she's not talking to us as the moment all because I don't want to be apart from him for a day for her to have him. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable, my family don't think I am as I'm a new mum but she doesn't seem to get that!
She also took him for his first ever walk in his pram when I didn't want her to! Advice and opinions would be much appreciated and sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
RB68 · 09/11/2021 16:55

Our DD wasn't too fussy or awake much in the evening so we just took her with us to restaurants at that age but in a lie flat pram type thing, not a car seat job. THe other alternative is get a decent takeaway and set up for the meal at home and then baby just fits in.

I agree re sending mixed messages - BUT at that age 2 hrs away from Mum is enough and no way should anybody be guilt tripping or dictating to you what you should or shouldn't be doing.

diddl · 09/11/2021 16:56

"the thought of him being away overnight kills me but with it being my partners birthday we want to go out for a meal"

So why didn't you just ask her to babysit for a few hours whilst you were out for a meal?

As if anyone would do an overnight for a meal if they didn't want to!

Ourlady · 09/11/2021 16:58

Agree with pp's. Its okay to have baby overnight when it suits you but not when it doesn't. No wonder she is feeling a bit pissed off.

vajingleberry · 09/11/2021 16:58

You really need to make your mind up and be clear.

Your MIL is not being unreasonable - it's you that keeps changing your mind.

You have said that she took him for his "first walk in the pram" when you didn't want her to. How did she get him out of the house?

It's fine to have boundaries and they can be whatever you want, but you need to be consistent.

Chocolatewheatos · 09/11/2021 17:02

I know everyone's different and that's fine but I really don't understand why you want your 6 week old baby to stay away for the night.

I wouldn't want a weekly commitment to anyone having him but I couldn't bear for my 6 month old to sleep out, never mind when he was 6 weeks!

Bellyups · 09/11/2021 17:03

If you think you can pick and choose you’ll soon end up with no one to help.
It’s fine to want him all to yourself. But don’t ask for favours

diddl · 09/11/2021 17:07

Is there more to this Op?

When you let her him at 2wks old-were you really OK with him going?

Returnoftheowl · 09/11/2021 17:14

The picking and choosing is the issue here. Either she can baby sit or she can't, not different answers each time... It sounds like you've sent mixed messages and that is causing an issue. Set clear expectations... You can't use her for babysitting because it's your partner's birthday but also say you don't want her babysitting.

diddl · 09/11/2021 17:29

Mil can obviously say no to babysitting if she wishes.

It's also understandable that she's upset about thinking she could have regular contact & then not.

That said, I think it's unkind to not babysit just because she can't have her GS as often as she wants.

However an overnight with such a young baby is a big asked so I think she was daft to agree to that in the first place.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 09/11/2021 17:35

Why not take the baby out with you for a meal?
When they're that young they can mange in the car seat for a few hours under the table.
Mine certainly did!!

Same here. Take your baby with you for this birthday meal. Problem solved.

LettertoHermoine · 09/11/2021 17:40

You want your cake and eat it. You told her she could have the child once a week and reneged but she is alright to babysit overnight because you want to go out and it suits you to use her then? Nope.

1forAll74 · 09/11/2021 17:44

i wouldn't be bothered if she got iffy and mardy whatever, tough! You can make your own rules about a new baby, and how you wan't to deal with things.

authenticforgery · 09/11/2021 17:47

I actually feel bad for the MIL here.
One minute she's being told she can have him one day a week, then she can't because you need him all the time. But then you want her to take him overnight while he's still tiny Confused poor woman literally cannot win.

Porcupineintherough · 09/11/2021 17:50

Its totally fine and normal to not want to be away from your baby but you have been messing your MiL around a bit. Look at it from her perspective- you are happy for her to have him overnight so you can go out for (the worlds longest?) meal but then say you cant bear to be parted from him. Which is it?

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 09/11/2021 17:53

Another MIL throwing her toys out of the pram because she cannot have her own way!!! Let her get on with it!

TrufflesAndToast · 09/11/2021 17:54

Agree you can’t pick and choose. Confused as to why you think going out for a meal is essential…a grown adult’s birthday doesn’t require you going out when you’ve just had a baby which you don’t want to be away from. I can’t imagine my Dh and I considering going out and leaving baby overnight at a few weeks old just because it was his birthday. I love the bloke but his birthday is no big deal compared to our newborn and he would agree!

Cancel the ridiculously too early overnight stay and be consistent with your MiL. She doesn’t need alone time to bond, you and your Dh need to do the bonding not her.

SickAndTiredAgain · 09/11/2021 17:58

I never understand why grandparents want time alone to bond with a baby.
But you want her to have him overnight, night feeds, waking up, comforting him. That’s a big ask for her, especially since I’m assuming she won’t really get any enjoyable daytime bits here. And it’s a big deal for your son, if he’s not been around your MIL loads. If I had to leave a baby that age overnight (and I don’t see why you can’t ask her to babysit at your house, maybe stay over if there’s space), I’d want to make sure they were being left with someone really really familiar to them.

She’s a bit unreasonable to get angry and not talk to you, but you are saying “no you can’t see him for a couple of hours during the day, but please still have him for an entire night”. And I can understand why that irritates her.

Fl0w3ry · 09/11/2021 17:59

I would never leave a newborn overnight. We have always enjoyed spending birthdays as a family, especially the first ones as a family. Does sound like you are using your mil a bit and although I usually side with the child’s parents, I feel I side more with your mil this time. It’s like you want your cake and eat it too.

SickAndTiredAgain · 09/11/2021 18:01

Confused as to why you think going out for a meal is essential…a grown adult’s birthday doesn’t require you going out when you’ve just had a baby which you don’t want to be away from. I can’t imagine my Dh and I considering going out and leaving baby overnight at a few weeks old just because it was his birthday. I love the bloke but his birthday is no big deal compared to our newborn and he would agree!

I’d agree with this. DH’s birthday is 5/6 weeks after DD’s. That first year after she was born we didn’t do anything. Maybe a takeaway, but I’ve no idea. I can’t remember at all so there’s a chance I forgot it completely..

MrsTophamHat · 09/11/2021 18:07

Absolutely agree that you are picking and choosing.

I'm very laid back about grandparents spending time with my children: their houses are like homes from home, but neither of them went overnight before about 5 months.

You've got to ask yourself whether you want her to be involved with childcare as he grows up. If yes, then you've got to involve her. Maybe not full days away but regular visits, building up to a few hours on her own. It sounds like you've hurt her feelings when she was only trying to help.

Notaroadrunner · 09/11/2021 18:11

@diddl

"the thought of him being away overnight kills me but with it being my partners birthday we want to go out for a meal"

So why didn't you just ask her to babysit for a few hours whilst you were out for a meal?

As if anyone would do an overnight for a meal if they didn't want to!

What you want isn't really a priority now that you have a baby. I'm sure your partner will live if he doesn't get out for his birthday. If you still want to pressure yourself to go for the meal then you could go out in the early evening and collect the baby on the way home. Or ask MIL to sit at yours to watch the baby instead.

YANBU for wanting to keep the baby with you but you're the one who told MIL she could have the baby once a week and then took back the offer. So it's understandable why she'd be a bit miffed.

Hadjab · 09/11/2021 18:12

it's a bit unreasonable to say you want him with you constantly, then ask her to mind him for the night.

Also, the whole first walk thing - he's 5 weeks old, he has absolutely no concept of being in a pram and being taken for a walk and being shown the sights. He's not going to remember - what exactly is it you feel you've missed out on by her taking him?

TheCreamCaker · 09/11/2021 18:13

You're right to want to bond with your baby and to be with him all the time. That's natural - so you gave mixed messages when you asked her to babysit whilst you and your partner go out for his birthday! What's wrong with staying in with your little family and getting a takeaway?

I'm a mum and granny.

bakingdemon · 09/11/2021 18:14

You seriously want a 6-7 week old to stay the night away from you? And yet you say you need him with you to bond? It is way way too early to be spending nights apart.

Skeumorph · 09/11/2021 18:14

He shouldn't be 'bonding' with her at 5 weeks though.

That's actually not good for attachment. In the early months, he should be with his primary carer - YOU -as much as is possible.

The more time with you the better for him, the better for his secure attachment and the better (ultimately) for all his relationships.

Ironically, the more he's passed around to other family members for 'bonding' at this age, the less happy a baby he is likely to be and the less happy he will be when older to be away from you and spend time with them!

Securely attached babies who have a peaceful, with mum as much as possible start to life are generally happier to then start spending time away from mum with gran, etc. later on.