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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in Law is being unreasonable

125 replies

Boymama21 · 09/11/2021 16:04

I'm in some serious need of advice in regards to my mother in law.
I'm a new mum as of 5 weeks ago and am enjoying getting used to motherhood and getting to know my new baby and bonding with him. When he was around 2 weeks old my partners mum offered to take him to her house for a couple of hours so I could sleep and have some me time, I agreed as I was shattered and was suffering with minor baby blues - few hours went by and I went to pick him up and not thinking I said to her she could have him once a week for a few hours and she was more than happy to do it, he's her first grandchild so you can imagine how she's feeling towards my son (absolutely over the moon about him) she had him another time and it made me realise I don't want her having him every week for a few hours or the full day as I want him with me all the time - she asked my partner the other day if she could have our son for the day and we told her I want him with me all the time as I'm a new mum and am still bonding with my baby - she immediately got mardy about this and was being off with us, we said she could come to the house over the weekend she made excuses, next day we had a massive row over the phone and she says she just wants time with him on her own to bond with him, she has said she will not have him overnight next weekend while me and partner are out for his birthday and told us we should stay in, the thought of him being away overnight kills me but with it being my partners birthday we want to go out for a meal - she's not talking to us as the moment all because I don't want to be apart from him for a day for her to have him. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable, my family don't think I am as I'm a new mum but she doesn't seem to get that!
She also took him for his first ever walk in his pram when I didn't want her to! Advice and opinions would be much appreciated and sorry for the long post!

OP posts:

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 09/11/2021 20:26

YABVU for wanting to leave such a small baby overnight. Some people are able to take their babies out with them but if your baby is like mine were, aka only slept on me/wouldn’t go in a buggy - just get a takeaway! Life is different, you’ve had a baby and that baby is your priority, not a birthday meal.

Just by the way, it’s absurd to be so strict with MIL about having your baby alone when you are expecting her to have your baby overnight! Actually crazy and hypocritical.

mountieusa · 09/11/2021 20:26

yes for children - but not for newborns

TeachesOfPeaches · 09/11/2021 20:31

I'm afraid you'll have to stay in for your boyfriend's birthday like every other new parent on the planet.

rwalker · 09/11/2021 20:31

Sorry your wrong .

Charlene1971 · 09/11/2021 20:36

[quote Kitkat151]@Charlene1971. It’s an AIBU thread....so I told OP that she was, IMO .... why is your opinion any more valid than mine? .... certainly not bitter and nasty....just stating my opinion[/quote]
Because my opinion didn't contain comments that would hurt the OP and make her feel bad about herself. You can't just be bitter and nasty and justify it by saying "Well, she did ask for my opinion".

Your comment was rude and uncalled for. You didn't provide the OP with any productive advice to help her situation, you just tried to hurt her. Therefore, your comment was bitter and nasty. Be better.

amylou8 · 09/11/2021 20:47

I think you're being a little bit selfish to be honest. Of course you want to bond with your new baby, but 2 or 3 hours a week away from him isn't going to get in the way if that. Developing a strong bond with his grandmother, even at this young age, would surely be a huge benefit to your son. And no wonder the poor woman is confused. You hand him over, you promise it can happen on a regular basis, you go back on that, then you ask for an overnight because it suits you to be able to go out!!

Starcaller · 09/11/2021 20:51

Your partner has had a lot of birthdays and will have plenty more to come. Just get a takeaway and don't go out when you don't want to.

AutumnLeaves21 · 09/11/2021 21:42

YABVU! Oh he thought of leaving him kills you…except when you want a child free night out 😆 you’re picking and choosing and honestly it seems like a big power play. I don’t blame your MIL for having her nose out out of joint! I think you are unbelievably precious and cheeky to boot.

sotiredofthislonelylife · 09/11/2021 22:05

There will surely be times when you will be extremely grateful that your baby is comfortable being cared for by granny, so why is there an issue in her looking after him for a couple of hours at a time?
Wouldn’t you prefer it if he goes to her happily? Or maybe you actually would rather that he cried and made a fuss, so that you know he only loves you?
It seems as though you are quite young and rather immature. Stop treating your MIL as a convenience - she could be a massive support to you and your family.

gettingolderbutcooler · 09/11/2021 22:27

So. You can't bear the thought of her taking care of baby for a few hours and tell her so.
But happy to bung baby to her overnight because you want a nice quiet dinner?
I'd say no too.

Duckrace · 09/11/2021 23:10

I'd think you were contradictory, but perfectly within your rights, and is remind myself that first time mums are often like this, and not give it another thought. She does not need "bonding time "- she isn't his mum.

Duckrace · 09/11/2021 23:11

I'd , not 'is'.

sbhydrogen · 09/11/2021 23:38

Just take the baby with you for your DH's birthday meal. At that age babies just sleep.

EmilyEmmabob · 10/11/2021 00:03

Your MIL is definitely not the one being unreasonable here. She's not there for your convenience, she was wanting to spend time with her grandson.

Compromise on her spending time with him - it doesn't have to be time alone, it doesn't have to be every week. Don't use her as an on tap babysitter that's not what grandparents are for.

Get this sorted out now before it escalates and makes everyone miserable.

Sciurus83 · 10/11/2021 05:44

You have a 6 week old and are talking about a birthday meal and night away like it's normal and you should be entitled to MIL facilitating that? Um, no. That's before all the mixed messages to her about what she is and isn't allowed to do. Feel sorry for her, glad she has drawn-out some boundaries with you!

diddl · 10/11/2021 09:41

@Duckrace

I do agree with with.

I think it was odd of MIL to offer to take a 2wk old away, odder of OP to accept.

If my DIL accepted so readily & offered it every week I'd be worried!

gingerbiscuits · 10/11/2021 09:50

I was fully prepared to be 100% on your side as a new mum, but then the more I read, the more I was thinking that you ARE actually being unreasonable. You can't have it both ways! You can't use your MIL as a convenient babysitter only when it suits you & then be surprised & put out when she's annoyed by this! In one breath you're telling her you can't bear to be apart from him (which is fair enough) but then you've asked her to have him OVERNIGHT so you can go out for a meal?! And the fact she can't take him out in the pram? What's that about?

Fernando072020 · 10/11/2021 10:23

I was on your side until you said you're happy for her to take him so you can go on a night out. I think you're being unreasonable saying you don't want her to take him for a few hours cause you want bonding time but as soon as you want to go out, it's suddenly ok

sotiredofthislonelylife · 10/11/2021 10:52

@diddl

Why would you be ‘worried’ if your DIL was happy to accept help? How bizarre!!

I am fortunate enough to have spent lots of time with my grandchildren, from tiny babies onwards. If there is trust on both sides, it’s completely natural to offer help, and also for the parents to ask for it. There are bound to be times when a new mother just needs a break - to sleep, to attend an appointment - whatever. Surely it’s better that she knows her baby will be content in the care of granny, rather than fretting that he/she won’t settle?

Not everyone can rely on help from family, and not everyone has the honesty to request and accept support. It’s natural within ours.

TeeTotaller1 · 10/11/2021 11:14

Stop messing your MIL about
I'd be pissed off at your constant 'yes and no's and conditions' and I'd be saying the same thing
You either want her to have him or you don't
If you want him with you all the time then you take him to the meal
End of

Feedingthebirds1 · 10/11/2021 13:12

So MIL offered to have baby for a couple of hours, but you went to pick him up after 'a few' hours. (I assume that translates to more than two.)

Then said she could have him for 'a few' hours every week.

Then changed your mind because you can't bear to be away from him.

But you still want her to have the baby overnight to celebrate your DP's birthday.

Leaving aside any issues of her bonding with him, you've been thoroughly inconsistent and I don't blame her for being confused. Nor do I blame her for perhaps feeling used.

By all means make a decision on how much you want her to be involved in DS's life right now, but stick to it. Don't make her a convenience only when it suits you.

diddl · 10/11/2021 13:41

"Why would you be ‘worried’ if your DIL was happy to accept help? How bizarre!!"

How bizarre that you can't read/understand my post.

DixonD · 10/11/2021 15:18

@forrestgreen

I actually side with your mil. You want her to know your baby well enough to have him overnight but she can't build up to that. You can't pick and choose

This.

I get it; no one looked after my baby for quite some time. I didn’t want to hand her to anyone. But oh can’t say no, then expect an overnight stay. That’s really odd I think. You can either do it or you can’t.

I couldn’t. So I didn’t.

DixonD · 10/11/2021 15:18

*you, not oh.

Anonymous48 · 10/11/2021 15:37

Surely OP, you must know that you're being unreasonable. It's wonderful that your mother in law has offered to take the baby for a couple of hours every week. In your shoes I would take advantage of that, because not many people are that lucky. But if you don't feel comfortable leaving your baby yet, that's fair enough. It's your decision.

But then to say you want her to take him overnight so you can take your husband out for his birthday? That's just taking the piss! Besides, this is such an easy time to take the baby to a restaurant because they will just sleep or nurse. It gets a bit more difficult when they get a few months old. So having a baby shouldn't stop you going out for a meal.

As for your complaint that your mother in law took the baby out for its first walk in the pram? Seriously, that's not a thing. Why hasn't the baby been for a walk in the pram before now?

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