Wife wont make the kids do school work and she undermines me in front of them

[CarterTUSM]

Hi everybody,

I'm a newbie on here but any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated.

This might seem pretty petty to some but it's giving me sleepless nights.

Quick background, my wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 10 and we have beautiful 9 year old twin boys who I adore with every bone in my body.

I leave home at 6.30 every morning, work a 65 hour week including a commute to London, my wife runs the house and she does an amazing job. She also has a part time job (1 or 2 mornings a week) that pays towards her hobby (horse riding).

We do loads together as a family and my wife and I have a good relationship, neither of us have ever strayed and I'd like to think that she loves me still as much as I do her.

We have a wonderful group of mutual friends and we have lots of our own friends and own interests, life is good.

We had a teacher/parent consultation recently and both boys have moved from above average or average to below average in all subjects in class in the last few months.

Not the end of the world I know but my view is that we should be doing more at home to bring them back up to speed.

I've suggested on a number of occasions that they should be writing out a few of their times tables each morning, reading a book for 15 mins (with the TV turned off), writing out their spellings and then being tested on their times tables in the car on the way to school etc.

My wife doesn't agree, she is permanently exhausted so she's happy watching the morning news with a coffee in one room whilst the boys veg in front of Netflix in the other, eating their breakfast on the sofa.

Some mornings before school she might get them to write their spellings out once. More often than not she will let them use an IPad or IPhone to play games on if there's nothing that they want to watch on Netflix.!

When I raise the subject with my oh she is very quickly on the defensive and tells me (in front of the kids) that they don't need to improve their spelling or maths as everything is done on a computer these days and that I am old fashioned or a slave driver etc.
This is absolutely the opposite of what I believe so we always end up in a row when the subject is raised, I hate this as it tends to happen within earshot of the children.

I know it is easy for me to say how I think things should be done and then disappear to work for 12 hours but at the weekends I will sit with them and help with homework.

My wife says to me that if I want them to work harder during the week then I should get home earlier to do it with them, which is just not possible as we have bills to pay.

Outside of school I see them struggling with simple things like telling the time or tying their shoelaces and I'd have thought by now that they should be able to do both. My oh does everything for them from clearing up after ever meal, tidying their room, even picking up their dirty clothes from the bedroom floor instead of getting them to tidy up after themselves and use the clothes bin in the room next door. When I'm at home and it is just me and the boys I will make them do all of these things for themselves and they have no problem at all doing so.

I worry that my wife wants the boys to view her as a friend more than as their mother and I see this getting worse as they get older. Instead of making them do some work she rewards them with more TV or more gaming time and more sugary treats.

Already one of the boys just ignores me when my wife is about and I've asked him to do something. If I raise my voice at him or tell him this is not on he will run to my wife and she will undermine me in front of him which teaches him its ok to ignore me.

I need to know how I can approach the subject without getting into conflict as I'm sure that this needs nipping in the bud whilst they are still at primary school. The thought of having two unruly teenagers in a few years time, protected by their mother fills me with dread.

Thanks

Carter

So... there is this thing called the weekend and you can use it and your free time to parent your own children and teach the twins their timetables/ spellings/ mandarin/ whatever.

How much time have you spent with the them teaching them to tie their laces? Use a knife safely?

If you expect people on here to give you tips on how to brow beat your wife who from the sounds of it is essentially operating as a single parent you're in the wrong spot.

Also the fact your boys already dont listen to you is likely symptomatic of the fact you are an absent parent - maybe try spending more time with your kids!

Shes right. If you want to run the home you need to be home. With all the damage that does career wise.

Pick your battles

@SequinnedShawl

Always twins.

Even gullible me thought that...

Stop using your work schedule as an excuse to not parent your children.
HTH.

They're watching Netflix and veging out in the morning? What time do they get up?
Normally breakfast is either rushed, or a fairly brisk affair.
It's not usual to do school work before breakfast. Do some with them at the weekend.

I’m divorced. I work full time. I do (and always have done) all the “bad cop” stuff. Daddy’s house is fun fun fun, Mummy’s the dull one that says, “how are you getting on with your homework this week?”
I taught them to tie their shoes laces, to ride a bike, to chant their times tables.
Does it annoy me? Yeah.
Do I still do it? Yeah.

So firstly, you need to step up and parent the way that you want to.

I suppose you could try talking to her… but fundamentally, you’ve married someone with a different view than you and I don’t think that’s going to change.

I’m a bit that you haven’t sorted the shoe laces yourself though.

My wife says to me that if I want them to work harder during the week then I should get home earlier to do it with them

Twins too! Wow!

@girafferafferaffe

Twins, eh?

Yup. And the wall of text.

And can anyone explain why make posters have to go on and on about how much they adore and love their wife and children? Loving your children is a given. Or it should be.

Maybe you both need to reload at your household work/home balance.

Could you reduce work hours to be home some mornings/afternoons if she did an extra day a week.

To be fair I wouldn’t want to be making kids write out time tables before school. That kind of forced rote learning discourages children overall in my opinion.

What do the school say, did they give suggestions of activities to support the children? I’d find it surprising if they both went from over achieving to under achieving in several areas over only a few months.

What's wrong with twins?

Amazed by the negative comments here, l agree they should be doing homework and helping around the house and most importantly your wife should never undermine you in front of them.
I say this as someone who was a sahm a few years whilst my DH worked excessive hours.
I had 2 under 2 and did daily reading and writing with both from age 4… it is so important and they have fun with it.

A 65 hour week including your commute means you work a fairly standard week, HTH.

PS writing out some spellings and times tables won't make a difference. There's more to education than that.

I think the telling phrase in your long and somewhat boring post is

“My view is that we should be doing more to get them up to speed”

But it’s not we is it, it’s she.

I think your wife quite rightly takes the view that your boys have already had six hours of school and need a bit of chill out time at home. I bet she doesn’t tell you to buckle down and start revising French verbs when you get home from work, and I bet that if she did you would find an excuse not to.

If you want your kids to listen to you then start talking about things that engage them, find shared interests, treat them as though you love them for themselves and are proud of them, not that the only thing that matters is their intellectual ability and that in that they are unfortunately failing you. What do you think is the message they are picking up if you continuously tell your kids that they aren’t good enough ? It doesn’t encourage them to try harder, it makes them not bother because what’s the point.

Both fallen "below average"? What does the tracking say?.

Lots of unnecessary description about home life, routines and undying love for one another and twins reference makes people believe it's a troll post.

Well they are not going to listen to someone they barley know so maybe you need to rectify that.

If you want the children to do home work on a morning then you do it with them.

Your wife is not your paid nanny. You do not get to giver her orders on what you think she should be doing.

Nothing to do with the Pandemic hugely interrupting their education then? All the wife’s fault is it? Cos you work 60 hours a week and that excuses you from parenting?

Cool story bro.

I think it sounds like your wife is holding the fort pretty well already and you dont need to be criticising what she does or doesnt do when you are doing a 65hr week due to her taking care of the children and the house as well as working part time.
If you think the kids need more parental input then maybe you need to rearrange your priorities

I know it is easy for me to say how I think things should be done and then disappear to work for 12 hours

Yup

I don’t think any 9 yr olds should be doing homework

You need to have these discussion privately with your wife, not in front of the children. Yes, she is undermining you but that’s because you’re forcing her to express her view in front of the twins.

So, have a private discussion about the twins academic performance. Start with common ground. Say “I think we can agree that the twins have slipped from above average to average and below average”. Then ask “do you think this is something we should worry about and take action on now? Or should we wait a bit?” Let her answer. She may think it’s a fluke or very early assessment as the school year has only just begun and better to wait until after Christmas. You agree or not, discuss. If she thinks it is a concern and action should be taken...then you say “Lets brainstorm ideas on what we can do to help the boys academically” write down what she thinks, what you think. Then you go through the list and agree on which ideas make sense and are executable. Perhaps some can be outsourced like getting a tutor some afternoons.

Most adults don’t like being dictated to. So honestly going from parent teacher conference to announcing your solutions of do this, do that, to your wife in front of the twins was horrible communication and doomed to fail no matter how reasonable your solutions were.

It’s the same with everything. You mention the boys not picking up after themselves...and you and her being inconsistent. Have a private discussion with your wife on household tasks. Say “The boys are getting to be big kids now, I think it’s time they took on a few household chores to help us around the house, what do you think? “ if she says “God yes, I’m that knackered” then you say “let’s talk about jobs they can do...” discuss. Come to an agreement. Then present to the boys as a United Parental Front your joint decision.

Kids are very good at playing parent against parent. That’s why you never ever decide these things with them present. You and her decide in private first.