Wife wont make the kids do school work and she undermines me in front of them

[CarterTUSM]

Hi everybody,

I'm a newbie on here but any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated.

This might seem pretty petty to some but it's giving me sleepless nights.

Quick background, my wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 10 and we have beautiful 9 year old twin boys who I adore with every bone in my body.

I leave home at 6.30 every morning, work a 65 hour week including a commute to London, my wife runs the house and she does an amazing job. She also has a part time job (1 or 2 mornings a week) that pays towards her hobby (horse riding).

We do loads together as a family and my wife and I have a good relationship, neither of us have ever strayed and I'd like to think that she loves me still as much as I do her.

We have a wonderful group of mutual friends and we have lots of our own friends and own interests, life is good.

We had a teacher/parent consultation recently and both boys have moved from above average or average to below average in all subjects in class in the last few months.

Not the end of the world I know but my view is that we should be doing more at home to bring them back up to speed.

I've suggested on a number of occasions that they should be writing out a few of their times tables each morning, reading a book for 15 mins (with the TV turned off), writing out their spellings and then being tested on their times tables in the car on the way to school etc.

My wife doesn't agree, she is permanently exhausted so she's happy watching the morning news with a coffee in one room whilst the boys veg in front of Netflix in the other, eating their breakfast on the sofa.

Some mornings before school she might get them to write their spellings out once. More often than not she will let them use an IPad or IPhone to play games on if there's nothing that they want to watch on Netflix.!

When I raise the subject with my oh she is very quickly on the defensive and tells me (in front of the kids) that they don't need to improve their spelling or maths as everything is done on a computer these days and that I am old fashioned or a slave driver etc.
This is absolutely the opposite of what I believe so we always end up in a row when the subject is raised, I hate this as it tends to happen within earshot of the children.

I know it is easy for me to say how I think things should be done and then disappear to work for 12 hours but at the weekends I will sit with them and help with homework.

My wife says to me that if I want them to work harder during the week then I should get home earlier to do it with them, which is just not possible as we have bills to pay.

Outside of school I see them struggling with simple things like telling the time or tying their shoelaces and I'd have thought by now that they should be able to do both. My oh does everything for them from clearing up after ever meal, tidying their room, even picking up their dirty clothes from the bedroom floor instead of getting them to tidy up after themselves and use the clothes bin in the room next door. When I'm at home and it is just me and the boys I will make them do all of these things for themselves and they have no problem at all doing so.

I worry that my wife wants the boys to view her as a friend more than as their mother and I see this getting worse as they get older. Instead of making them do some work she rewards them with more TV or more gaming time and more sugary treats.

Already one of the boys just ignores me when my wife is about and I've asked him to do something. If I raise my voice at him or tell him this is not on he will run to my wife and she will undermine me in front of him which teaches him its ok to ignore me.

I need to know how I can approach the subject without getting into conflict as I'm sure that this needs nipping in the bud whilst they are still at primary school. The thought of having two unruly teenagers in a few years time, protected by their mother fills me with dread.

Thanks

Carter

Despite the majority of comments, the voting shows that you are not being unreasonable.

Your wife works very part time in order to (partially) fund her very expensive hobby. Otherwise you are providing all financial support.

Frankly she is lazy and setting a very bad example for the children. Yes, it is easier to pick up the kids laundry, tidy their room and make their beds, than it is to teach them to do it themselves, but that doesn’t help the kids in the long run.

I don’t necessarily think they should be writing out spellings or times tables in the morning, but your wife should be engaging with them not plonking them in front of the tele or iPads. She could turn on the radio and talk about the news, or chat with them about what’s going to be happening in the day ahead. In the car there should be times tables music and she should be singing along - or whatever helps to engage with them.

She can relax on the mornings and afternoons when she isn’t working or horse riding and again once they have gone to bed.

Yes, it is a very traditional pattern, but right now, since it seems to be agreed that you are the one providing financial support, her “job” is to support the kids with school and chores.

If you are home early enough on week nights, make sure you are the one who reads them their bedtime story. (Your wife should already have listened to them read their school book.). And make sure on the weekend there is some time for you to enjoy a hobby or just veg out,, for her to get some complete down time, and for the four of you to have family time together.

If she is not okay with this, then it is time for you to consider cutting your hours or getting a different job, and for her to increase her working hours and give up some of her hobby time. That would be a different model.

Sounds to me like she wants to have it all ways: a job for pin money, an expensive hobby, a partner who pays the bills and all the while claiming exhaustion so she doesn’t take responsibility for supporting the kids’ education and social development.

It’s not fair to you, and definitely not good for the boys.

Thank you to everyone who has replied.
Lots of helpful advice contained within.
I only want whats best for the boys that should be obvious, I'm not looking to make my wife's life a misery.
Tutor engaged, TT Rockstars downloaded, earlier train home now being considered.
Thanks
C

oh and morning times tables and spellings put on hold!

I used to test DD's times tables and spellings when walking with her to school. It was only ten minutes, but ten minutes x 5 days a week made a massive difference.

My eldest is only 7 but she reads to me every morning before school and I sometimes ask her maths questions. Personally I think things that need repetition to stick like spellings and maths need to be done more than on the weekend.

Tip from a teacher: get the boys into a sports club on a Sunday (football or rugby) - kids that have expended energy at the weekend seem to be able to concentrate in school better. We did this with our DS when he was around the same age - the difference in concentration, engagement and retention of information was astounding, and his grades increased hugely.

The teacher also said that in his experience, 9 is the age when kids need some kind of outside-school focus and that it really helps, particularly with boys...