Wife wont make the kids do school work and she undermines me in front of them

[CarterTUSM]

Hi everybody,

I'm a newbie on here but any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated.

This might seem pretty petty to some but it's giving me sleepless nights.

Quick background, my wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 10 and we have beautiful 9 year old twin boys who I adore with every bone in my body.

I leave home at 6.30 every morning, work a 65 hour week including a commute to London, my wife runs the house and she does an amazing job. She also has a part time job (1 or 2 mornings a week) that pays towards her hobby (horse riding).

We do loads together as a family and my wife and I have a good relationship, neither of us have ever strayed and I'd like to think that she loves me still as much as I do her.

We have a wonderful group of mutual friends and we have lots of our own friends and own interests, life is good.

We had a teacher/parent consultation recently and both boys have moved from above average or average to below average in all subjects in class in the last few months.

Not the end of the world I know but my view is that we should be doing more at home to bring them back up to speed.

I've suggested on a number of occasions that they should be writing out a few of their times tables each morning, reading a book for 15 mins (with the TV turned off), writing out their spellings and then being tested on their times tables in the car on the way to school etc.

My wife doesn't agree, she is permanently exhausted so she's happy watching the morning news with a coffee in one room whilst the boys veg in front of Netflix in the other, eating their breakfast on the sofa.

Some mornings before school she might get them to write their spellings out once. More often than not she will let them use an IPad or IPhone to play games on if there's nothing that they want to watch on Netflix.!

When I raise the subject with my oh she is very quickly on the defensive and tells me (in front of the kids) that they don't need to improve their spelling or maths as everything is done on a computer these days and that I am old fashioned or a slave driver etc.
This is absolutely the opposite of what I believe so we always end up in a row when the subject is raised, I hate this as it tends to happen within earshot of the children.

I know it is easy for me to say how I think things should be done and then disappear to work for 12 hours but at the weekends I will sit with them and help with homework.

My wife says to me that if I want them to work harder during the week then I should get home earlier to do it with them, which is just not possible as we have bills to pay.

Outside of school I see them struggling with simple things like telling the time or tying their shoelaces and I'd have thought by now that they should be able to do both. My oh does everything for them from clearing up after ever meal, tidying their room, even picking up their dirty clothes from the bedroom floor instead of getting them to tidy up after themselves and use the clothes bin in the room next door. When I'm at home and it is just me and the boys I will make them do all of these things for themselves and they have no problem at all doing so.

I worry that my wife wants the boys to view her as a friend more than as their mother and I see this getting worse as they get older. Instead of making them do some work she rewards them with more TV or more gaming time and more sugary treats.

Already one of the boys just ignores me when my wife is about and I've asked him to do something. If I raise my voice at him or tell him this is not on he will run to my wife and she will undermine me in front of him which teaches him its ok to ignore me.

I need to know how I can approach the subject without getting into conflict as I'm sure that this needs nipping in the bud whilst they are still at primary school. The thought of having two unruly teenagers in a few years time, protected by their mother fills me with dread.

Thanks

Carter

To be fair I wouldn’t want to be making kids write out time tables before school. That kind of forced rote learning discourages children overall in my opinion.

I agree with this.

My wife doesn't agree, she is permanently exhausted so she's happy watching the morning news with a coffee in one room whilst the boys veg in front of Netflix in the other, eating their breakfast on the sofa.

OP, was there a bit of sneering with "permanently exhausted"? I think it's not the end of the world if she takes the mornings to relax, perhaps plan her day?, while the boys watch a bit of telly.

Outside of school I see them struggling with simple things like telling the time or tying their shoelaces and I'd have thought by now that they should be able to do both.

While I understand your concern, I think you should relax a bit with what you think they have to know at a certain age, especially because you also said they do these things with you. This means they aren't exactly 'useless' or unable to do them.

When I'm at home and it is just me and the boys I will make them do all of these things for themselves and they have no problem at all doing so.

That said, I agree your wife shouldn't undermine you in front of your children.

Talk. Talk. Talk. Communicate gently and respectfully to each other but not when things get heated or when the issues arise. It's not exactly the best time to hear someone out especially when you both think the other is doing something wrong.

If communication fails, then couple's counselling to help iron out the issues.

You have two choices - be an active and present parent, or shut up.

@BurntTheFuckOut

Nothing to do with the Pandemic hugely interrupting their education then? All the wife’s fault is it? Cos you work 60 hours a week and that excuses you from parenting?

Cool story bro.

This. Use your weekends to teach life skills such as shoe lace tying etc. Being the breadwinner doesn't mean you don't have to parent your children. I do both as a single parent.

@Unanananana same. Boils my piss. He doesn’t want a wife, he wants a robot slave.

Im a teacher. They only learn if it's fun and relaxed.

You could say that on a Saturday you will all go out once they have done their homework
Just make that the routine

Yes this could be a troll but on the (slim!) off-chance that it's not, think about how different this post would sound if the roles were reversed. Regardless of their gender it's hardly ok for one parent to undermine the other in front of kids. He or she is being unrealistic about lessons before school, but the basics like picking up laundry and tying their shoelaces sounds reasonable. If they're anything like my kids, they can sniff out a non-united front a mile off!

Sorry should have made it clear that these things like laundry and shoes should be tackled at the weekend when both parents are around at the same time.

I agree with you. DH and I work full-time and still manage to fit in homework, reading, times tables etc with our DC. Your wife presumably picks them up at the end of the school day and has had the rest of the day to herself or to do whatever chores are deemed necessary so I can't see any reason why she couldn't spend 15 minutes a day practising some key skills. When I noticed one of my DC was struggling with handwriting, I fitted in extra practice because I wanted to help her to improve. It makes much more sense for her to do it earlier in the afternoon/evening than to wait until you are home and they are tired.

If they are 9, then in a couple of years they will be getting regular homework from secondary school, so it won't hurt them to start getting in the habit of doing a little but of daily work.

I hate this as it tends to happen within earshot of the children. Since you say "When I raise the subject with my oh..." a simple solution would be to raise it when the kids aren't around.

I think your best bet is to either try and get home earlier/leave later so you can do some practice with them, or make it a weekend thing. The school week is generally busy and tiring, it's not always conducive to writing out times tables etc. Five minutes of verbal practice maybe (they could have a competition?) and I agree reading is important too, I'm sure the school will be suggesting the same thing. But you can't really dictate what happens if you're not there, and you shouldn't be getting into arguments about it in front of them either.

OP, I also agree with you on the other issues of picking up after themselves, etc but again, these issues should be dealt with away from the children and in a more rational way than as part of an argument.

If you both can't communicate with each other without breaking into a fight, then you'll need a third party to step in and help you do so.

Are you an Unstoppable Sex Machine?

Kids are 9 and wife works 2 mornings a week.
Hardly a stressful existence.
But do stuff at weekends with the children and accept your wife doesn't share you concerns re educational performance

@JustHavinABreak

Yes this could be a troll but on the (slim!) off-chance that it's not, think about how different this post would sound if the roles were reversed. Regardless of their gender it's hardly ok for one parent to undermine the other in front of kids. He or she is being unrealistic about lessons before school, but the basics like picking up laundry and tying their shoelaces sounds reasonable. If they're anything like my kids, they can sniff out a non-united front a mile off!

Finally somebody speaking sense rather than just attacking op. Also agree with your advice. My kids would love if my and dh disagreed and use it to full advantage if we showed we weren't united on something such as picking up after themselves.

Thanks everyone, lots of helpful feedback.

Most appreciated.

You seem to have quite a fundamental clash of parenting values. This really should have been sorted out before getting married.

A possibility is dyslexia / dyspraxia.
If good effort has been put into time tables, spellings, shoelaces & time telling and it hasn't stuck.

I feel like I've wandered into the Twighlight Zone.

Kids shouldn't do homework?

Why should it? Parents differing in parenting styles is common as we all have different experiences of bring parented and have different personalities. If we all stipulated partners had to have identical parenting styles most would never find a partner.

@Ijustknowitstimetogo

You seem to have quite a fundamental clash of parenting values. This really should have been sorted out before getting married.

Most couples discuss whether they want kids or not before marriage and maybe how many. Very few discuss the minutae of parenting which is just as we as there is nothing like a real live kid for making you change your outlook.

I'm puzzling how you know in detail their morning routine if you've left early for work?

Some minor points I'd not want to be distracted from driving during rush hour giving out questions on times tables.
You say you love her but don't seem to value what she does do, shopping, cooking, cleaning, keeping house, working etc

You need to communicate with each other not in front of the kids.
If you feel it's important why can't you do times tables and spelling
Why can't you teach the twins how to put clothes away, clean, pick up after themselves

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

So... there is this thing called the weekend and you can use it and your free time to parent your own children and teach the twins their timetables/ spellings/ mandarin/ whatever.

How much time have you spent with the them teaching them to tie their laces? Use a knife safely?

If you expect people on here to give you tips on how to brow beat your wife who from the sounds of it is essentially operating as a single parent you're in the wrong spot.

Also the fact your boys already dont listen to you is likely symptomatic of the fact you are an absent parent - maybe try spending more time with your kids!

Re read the post instead of making nasty unhelpful comments

He does do stuff with them at the weekend. But if they go running to mummy and she won’t back him up, then what

I agree with you op, though i think after school would be better than the morning to go over this stuff. And they absolutely should be picking up after themselves, you can discuss it with your wife when the boys aren't around, but you can't force her to agree with you.

So what does a mother of 9 year old twins do with her time when they are at school? She works two mornings a week to fund her hobby. If the family agreement is that they live off one salary then the person who earns that salary needs to work. What is making her so tired she needs to relax in front of the TV so much. Can she not get her relaxation time when the kids are in school?

She is taking the piss unless she is not well

And what parent wouldn't think their kids need a bit of help if they have gone from being above average to below average?

Jeez

Why don’t you suggest you cut your hours to allow you to do more and some school drop offs/pick up and suggest she gets a full time job to cover the cut to your finances? You could share housework and childcare 50-50 then and everyone would be happy?!