Wife wont make the kids do school work and she undermines me in front of them

[CarterTUSM]

Hi everybody,

I'm a newbie on here but any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated.

This might seem pretty petty to some but it's giving me sleepless nights.

Quick background, my wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 10 and we have beautiful 9 year old twin boys who I adore with every bone in my body.

I leave home at 6.30 every morning, work a 65 hour week including a commute to London, my wife runs the house and she does an amazing job. She also has a part time job (1 or 2 mornings a week) that pays towards her hobby (horse riding).

We do loads together as a family and my wife and I have a good relationship, neither of us have ever strayed and I'd like to think that she loves me still as much as I do her.

We have a wonderful group of mutual friends and we have lots of our own friends and own interests, life is good.

We had a teacher/parent consultation recently and both boys have moved from above average or average to below average in all subjects in class in the last few months.

Not the end of the world I know but my view is that we should be doing more at home to bring them back up to speed.

I've suggested on a number of occasions that they should be writing out a few of their times tables each morning, reading a book for 15 mins (with the TV turned off), writing out their spellings and then being tested on their times tables in the car on the way to school etc.

My wife doesn't agree, she is permanently exhausted so she's happy watching the morning news with a coffee in one room whilst the boys veg in front of Netflix in the other, eating their breakfast on the sofa.

Some mornings before school she might get them to write their spellings out once. More often than not she will let them use an IPad or IPhone to play games on if there's nothing that they want to watch on Netflix.!

When I raise the subject with my oh she is very quickly on the defensive and tells me (in front of the kids) that they don't need to improve their spelling or maths as everything is done on a computer these days and that I am old fashioned or a slave driver etc.
This is absolutely the opposite of what I believe so we always end up in a row when the subject is raised, I hate this as it tends to happen within earshot of the children.

I know it is easy for me to say how I think things should be done and then disappear to work for 12 hours but at the weekends I will sit with them and help with homework.

My wife says to me that if I want them to work harder during the week then I should get home earlier to do it with them, which is just not possible as we have bills to pay.

Outside of school I see them struggling with simple things like telling the time or tying their shoelaces and I'd have thought by now that they should be able to do both. My oh does everything for them from clearing up after ever meal, tidying their room, even picking up their dirty clothes from the bedroom floor instead of getting them to tidy up after themselves and use the clothes bin in the room next door. When I'm at home and it is just me and the boys I will make them do all of these things for themselves and they have no problem at all doing so.

I worry that my wife wants the boys to view her as a friend more than as their mother and I see this getting worse as they get older. Instead of making them do some work she rewards them with more TV or more gaming time and more sugary treats.

Already one of the boys just ignores me when my wife is about and I've asked him to do something. If I raise my voice at him or tell him this is not on he will run to my wife and she will undermine me in front of him which teaches him its ok to ignore me.

I need to know how I can approach the subject without getting into conflict as I'm sure that this needs nipping in the bud whilst they are still at primary school. The thought of having two unruly teenagers in a few years time, protected by their mother fills me with dread.

Thanks

Carter

I think people are being harsh here. I have an 8 and a 7 year old, a baby and work 25 hours a hour week. Weeknights it’s homework or they do spelling practice for 20 mins and reading every night. Times tables are practised on the route to school and sundays we do an hour of spellings and set homework.
Why is she exhausted if she’s mostly off when the kids are at school? She gets a break then so yes I don’t see why she can’t do a bit of something with them after school once they’ve got in and had a snack

I'm amazed at the posts on here. 65 hours is a bloody long working week.

If op's wife only works one or two mornings a week, she has loads of free time and should not be 'exhausted'.

She also shouldn't be undermining OP in front of the kids. She sounds really lazy.

If op has been a woman, he'd have got very different replies!! This site is bonkers sometimes. People are very keen to criticise any men who post.

This site is bonkers sometimes. People are very keen to criticise any men who post.

I agree. It is very anti men at times.

I think you need to talk to your wife ,without dc being present. Explain you are happy and appreciate everything she does. Ask her how she feels about the children slipping a little. 9 year old can start to develop a little, they start to be a little less easy to manage. I appreciate your hours at work are hard ,but it's not easy for your dw either. Try to work together with the boys .ask the school for any advice.maybe if you can afford it a tutor may help .my own son had one and it helped a great deal.dont worry you sound like a great dad !

@SequinnedShawl

Always twins.

My first thought too.

My second thought was that things like tying shoelaces and telling the time are easily done at weekends, if you're that bothered. I was a sahm and pretty sure my husband did those things for his children.

As for "loving the bones" of your twins, fairly sure that's a given.

As you can see, I'm hedging my bets with this one.

Not read every reply, but ..

Time telling - big clock on wall with stickers around saying "quarter to", "ten to", "5 to etc"

Shoe laces - Youtube video

Times Tables - TT Rockstars

Reading - Let them choose a book, bed 20 mins earlier (if they can't tell the time they won't know) and get into the habit of letting them read till they nod off..

But most of all you do it and stop undermining your wife.

Get a good tutor. You might find someone who will take them both at the same time. It’s not quite as good as one-to-one but you can maybe then get a longer lesson to compensate. Do this after school, not before. Do it twice a week if need be. Before school is always fraught, no matter how much you think they’re sitting around watching TV.
Getting mum to do this stuff (and I can see why she doesn’t want to be dictated to) usually ends in tears, which is why people pay tutors. Children often don’t listen to their parents and won’t work for them in the way they will for someone else.
Tutor employed, problem solved, happy marriage.

@whitehorsesdonotlie

I'm amazed at the posts on here. 65 hours is a bloody long working week.

If op's wife only works one or two mornings a week, she has loads of free time and should not be 'exhausted'.

She also shouldn't be undermining OP in front of the kids. She sounds really lazy.

If op has been a woman, he'd have got very different replies!! This site is bonkers sometimes. People are very keen to criticise any men who post.

65 hours including a commute into london, so they live outside of London. That's different to working a 65 hour week.

Maybe she shouldn't be exhausted, but she is, so that needs to be investigated. What she doesn't need is to be judged on her parenting, in front of the kids, by someone who tells her what to do rather than interacting with his children and pulling his weight.

I'm currently on maternity leave but when I was working I was out of the house 12 hours a day. I did nursery drop offs and still had time to play and learn with the toddler when I got home.

DP is currently working 12 hour days including commutes, whilst I'm at home, and is still managing to come home and play with the toddler too.

Because we're parents.

We do all our school work at the weekend, just do that?
Her undermining you is another problem and you need to have a proper talk with your wife about that

Blasting in with your ideas of how things should be done is you undermining her, not the other way around.
Doing this in front of the children is a big no, no. Children of conflicted parents become confused and anxious.

I parented my boys with a husband who was largely absent due to work commitments. He followed my lead in parenting because he understood that I was the one at 'the coal face' if we did disagree it was discussed away from the kids. I was quite a strict parent and the children knew the boundaries and what the expectations were, because we presented a united front.

Friend in exactly the same circumstances had a partner who constantly changed the rules for parenting when he was home.
Our kids, have gone on to be happy adults, with good careers and are lovely humans

Friend's kids have not.

Not unreasonable OP. She sounds lazy and a bit thick, if she thinks computers mean your kids don't need to spell. Shutting them up with iPads and the television is bad parenting, but you'll get no support for that view here, where a mobile phone is seen as an appropriate gift for a toddler.

Unfortunately you're away too much to do anything about it, so it will have to be something extra you do at the weekends.

It's not at all unusual for many parents. My husband had a 2.5 hour compute one way for quite long periods of his career. That makes a 65 hour week, if you include the commute, which the op does. My husband stll found time to spend time with his children and teach them some basic life skills. He enjoyed it.

Do they use times tables rockstar? To be honest I don’t see how they can’t be confident in their times tables if they were previously exceeding expectations. Mine haven’t really practiced their tt since they learnt them.
Do they practice their spelling at all.
Mine get an hour of reading time a night, 7-8 for they younger and 8-9 for the older one , if they aren’t reading then it’s bed time.

Also, while I'm here and killing time, homework in the mornings before school is a terrible idea. I don't suppose there's a parent on the planet who hasn't had to do emergency spellings in the car on the way to school. I certainly don't think many would consider doing it as a deliberate strategy.

Given your family set up, yes your dw should be taking on the bulk of supporting homework. You should also be supporting them at weekends or other times of the day (it only takes a few minutes s to verbally go through a set of times tables). Nationally children's grades have slipped a little (not surprisingly) but they are starting to pick up again.

In this situation, I think reducing your working hours and your wife picking up the slack there would be for the best.

Then you will be able to work with the children and share household tasks more evenly, also sharing the wage earning more evenly.

Two ipads download spelling shed and tt rockstars give them treat to whoever gets the highest weekly score

Surely the school told you which platform they were learning on? I dont know any school that doesn't use online apps to learn with these days they all get log ins and you use them at home simple

She should be doing more. It's utterly ridiculous for people to suggest otherwise.

@DGFB

We do all our school work at the weekend, just do that? Her undermining you is another problem and you need to have a proper talk with your wife about that

Except when the homework is due the next day, so you can't leave it until the weekend!

@mycatisannoying

She should be doing more. It's utterly ridiculous for people to suggest otherwise.

This with bells on!!!

Yanbu of course they should be doing homework if they are falling behind.

Your wife can still sit and drink a coffee. You can also back this up at weekends.

At 9 they can read and write and can therefore execute the work independently.

At 9 I expect my ds to take the lead in his learning and he does ... but that's because me and dh are on the same page.

He is also expected to make his bed tody up and put his clothes in the washing basket. Pack his school bag and get his sports bags ready for his sports.

I think your wife has a bad attitude. 2 hours on netfilx is fine if u have done 30 mins a day on your homework and pushed yourself.

I think your wife needs to do more , something is wrong if she's to tired for the children after working such minimum hours . Maybe hire a tutor .

@HunterHearstHelmsley

In this situation, I think reducing your working hours and your wife picking up the slack there would be for the best.

Then you will be able to work with the children and share household tasks more evenly, also sharing the wage earning more evenly.

What are all these jobs where you can just ask to reduce your working hours and your employer will agree. In my experience, it can be very difficult to reduce hours.

@bizboz it can also be very easy. You don't know until you ask.

I think it's rubbish that she's undermining you in front of the kids.

You probably need to have a proper talk with her about showing a united front. Make sure that the children see a united front anytime, anyplace, anywhere.

If she's knackered all the time, does she get time away from the kids to recharge? Or you could take the kids out and give her time at home to recharge. you can then tell her what you did while you were out.

Unless you start working together then you're going to be going nowhere fast.