Wife wont make the kids do school work and she undermines me in front of them

[CarterTUSM]

Hi everybody,

I'm a newbie on here but any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated.

This might seem pretty petty to some but it's giving me sleepless nights.

Quick background, my wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 10 and we have beautiful 9 year old twin boys who I adore with every bone in my body.

I leave home at 6.30 every morning, work a 65 hour week including a commute to London, my wife runs the house and she does an amazing job. She also has a part time job (1 or 2 mornings a week) that pays towards her hobby (horse riding).

We do loads together as a family and my wife and I have a good relationship, neither of us have ever strayed and I'd like to think that she loves me still as much as I do her.

We have a wonderful group of mutual friends and we have lots of our own friends and own interests, life is good.

We had a teacher/parent consultation recently and both boys have moved from above average or average to below average in all subjects in class in the last few months.

Not the end of the world I know but my view is that we should be doing more at home to bring them back up to speed.

I've suggested on a number of occasions that they should be writing out a few of their times tables each morning, reading a book for 15 mins (with the TV turned off), writing out their spellings and then being tested on their times tables in the car on the way to school etc.

My wife doesn't agree, she is permanently exhausted so she's happy watching the morning news with a coffee in one room whilst the boys veg in front of Netflix in the other, eating their breakfast on the sofa.

Some mornings before school she might get them to write their spellings out once. More often than not she will let them use an IPad or IPhone to play games on if there's nothing that they want to watch on Netflix.!

When I raise the subject with my oh she is very quickly on the defensive and tells me (in front of the kids) that they don't need to improve their spelling or maths as everything is done on a computer these days and that I am old fashioned or a slave driver etc.
This is absolutely the opposite of what I believe so we always end up in a row when the subject is raised, I hate this as it tends to happen within earshot of the children.

I know it is easy for me to say how I think things should be done and then disappear to work for 12 hours but at the weekends I will sit with them and help with homework.

My wife says to me that if I want them to work harder during the week then I should get home earlier to do it with them, which is just not possible as we have bills to pay.

Outside of school I see them struggling with simple things like telling the time or tying their shoelaces and I'd have thought by now that they should be able to do both. My oh does everything for them from clearing up after ever meal, tidying their room, even picking up their dirty clothes from the bedroom floor instead of getting them to tidy up after themselves and use the clothes bin in the room next door. When I'm at home and it is just me and the boys I will make them do all of these things for themselves and they have no problem at all doing so.

I worry that my wife wants the boys to view her as a friend more than as their mother and I see this getting worse as they get older. Instead of making them do some work she rewards them with more TV or more gaming time and more sugary treats.

Already one of the boys just ignores me when my wife is about and I've asked him to do something. If I raise my voice at him or tell him this is not on he will run to my wife and she will undermine me in front of him which teaches him its ok to ignore me.

I need to know how I can approach the subject without getting into conflict as I'm sure that this needs nipping in the bud whilst they are still at primary school. The thought of having two unruly teenagers in a few years time, protected by their mother fills me with dread.

Thanks

Carter

I would love to hear your wife's version of your very long tale.

These comments are horrible!

OP - as some other people have said, you need to have a private discussion and compromise. Could they have times tables songs on in the car on the way to school? Could you read with them at bed time? A bit more at the weekends might also be good. But as someone else said, if she's only working two mornings a week she's got a solid amount of time to run the house, it's not unreasonable to ask her to pull her weight. I think the fact you're a bloke has skewed the responses here.

Could trade her in for a more obedient model

@Hadjab

I feel like I've wandered into the Twighlight Zone.

Kids shouldn't do homework?

Same! I can't believe these responses.

Your wife should not be undermining you in front of the children. One is already learning if mums around he doesn't have to do what you say. They're approaching an age where this will get much worse.

OP already says he helps the DC with homework at weekends.

DW only works 1-2 days a week. PPs blaming the pandemic for the slip to below average? Assuming she wasn't furloughed or WFH she still had the kids 3 school days a week and education should not have slipped so far.

The bottom line is you have different values, but she also lacks respect for yours. If she won't listen and be willing to work as a team, I'm not sure what you can do though.

She sounds bloody awful. Why is she exhausted all the time only working 2 mornings a week?
I worked full time, was a sine mum and did everything at home and wasn't exhausted all the time. They need to be doing more homework and less Netflix annealing how to pick up after themselves. My son had to do all that I am not the house servant.

Excuse spelling sausage fingers!!!

@iklboogiemaninthecloset

Are you an Unstoppable Sex Machine?

I'm getting Tufts University School of Medicine ...

@Dragongirl10

Amazed by the negative comments here, l agree they should be doing homework and helping around the house and most importantly your wife should never undermine you in front of them. I say this as someone who was a sahm a few years whilst my DH worked excessive hours. I had 2 under 2 and did daily reading and writing with both from age 4… it is so important and they have fun with it.

Well said

@girlmom21

A 65 hour week including your commute means you work a fairly standard week, HTH.

On what planet is a 65 hour week standard? I do 50 hours and it's knackering!

At 9 they really should have their times tables down pat, I'd want some daily practise on it too.

Isnt it a given that reading is done daily, with whichever parent is around to do it with? My 4 year old reads daily so it shouldnt be a big deal to ask it of a 9 year old.

She is taking the piss unless she is not well

methinks this whole thread is a joke

They could have disgraphia which can include poor motor skills, disorganised, difficulty in multi tasking but with exceptional verbal skills.

@Littlepaws18 including a commute into London. Which suggests he lives outside of London...

Ltb

Your wife works 1 or 2 mornings a week? What does she do with all her free time whilst the kids are in school whilst you are working 65 hours a week. She’s taking the piss.

I leave home at 6.30 every morning, work a 65 hour week including a commute to London
You cannot continue to work post children like you worked pre children. That's not how parenting works.

What has the OP done to deserve the barrage of insults?

If the OP is genuine then, without enough information, it does look like the wife is taking the piss.

Have you considered using a online program like TT rockstar or spelling bee. Just questioning children seems to be a fairly aggressive approach? I think your parenting style sounds fairly outdated and you should maybe reflect on that?
Also consider what you are doing with them at weekends, would they enjoy bike riding, rock climbing etc? They sound bored and under stimulated.

I can’t imagine a thread where a woman works full time and her husband works a few mornings having some of the comments on here. I don’t know why men post on here. Unless it is a troll like some suspect.

K agree with times table Rockstar on the ipad. Much more fan. The school should give you the password if possible.

Whilst it's great you work so hard to provide for your family. It's not all that easy being the sahp either - and your wife does work too! It's bleddy exhausting. Please give her a break!

During the first lockdown I was home every day with dc, Dp worked the whole way through. Some days we just didn't get any of it done and dp would come home and help with the school work. Even now, he's the main earner and he'll come home and do their reading books, homework etc with them.

Even as a sahp there is never enough hours in the day to get everything done!

It's not your wife's fault they have fallen behind imo. They've missed so much school, it's likely that!

I’m going against the grain here - assuming this is genuine…

I agree that your wife is setting herself up for a very difficult time when they’re at secondary school. Equally, it doesn’t have to be all her and it doesn’t need to involve writing out timestables before school. My kids use have often used apps to practice timestables and spellings, for example. Primary school kids shouldn’t be doing loads of homework but that doesn’t sound like what you’re expecting - 15 mins a day reading and learning spellings and timestables is a good basic expectation and will get them in good habits for later.

The tricky bit is convincing your wife and I don’t know how you do that. It will start with you listening to her viewpoint, however, and then you making some changes too.

@Playingoutinthedark

What's wrong with twins?

Nothing. But fake posts always have twins.

I actually do have twins, but If I needed advice on here I would claim one child or different ages 😂

I twigged at the bit where he had to tell us he loved his children

If there’s any chance this is real, yabu

Make time at the weekend if you think it’s important/ necessary. stop saying “we” when you mean “you do it under my direction”.

Most importantly stop comparing your children to others by calling them “below average”/ “average” etc. Spend time with them and help them to be good people.

Morning is not everyone’s best time - why fixate on mornings?

@FallonCarringtonWannabe

I leave home at 6.30 every morning, work a 65 hour week including a commute to London You cannot continue to work post children like you worked pre children. That's not how parenting works.

That’s right, money just grows on trees, right? There is some magic that happens after having children where the sole earner can work a 30 hour week and earn tons of money and do housework and childcare. While the SAHM parent must not be expected to do anything except take children to sports clubs.