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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is dsis being unreasonable re gifts

126 replies

Backofbeyond50 · 09/11/2021 03:31

So our Christmas tradition is to tell others exactly what we want and buy said gift. Simple but effective.

So this year disis will undoubtedly give us a list of exactly what she and her dh and 2 dds want and we will oblige.
Yet we have been told that she intends to not buy gifts but experiences.
AIBU to think this is a little cheeky. There is history tbh anyway. She insists on buying gifts rather than vouchers. This meant that I lost out in a bogof promotion post Christmas. Yet we have as purchased vouchers or given cash previously.
I know it is petty but AIBU to think that this isn't in keeping with tradition.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 09/11/2021 03:39

If she doesn't stick to the list, then you don't.

Get her something other than what she asked for. Do unto others and all that jazz

Tilltheend99 · 09/11/2021 04:06

Sounds depressing

arcof · 09/11/2021 04:08

Please expand on how you lost out on a BOGOF, am intrigued.
In all seriousness though, giving is meant to be joyful and it's not about what you get back. If you don't enjoy the giving , don't do it.

TheChiefJo · 09/11/2021 04:12

OP

"So this year disis will undoubtedly give us a list of exactly what she and her dh and 2 dds want and we will oblige."

She hasn't even given you a list yet but you're already angry about it? Also, you don't have to oblige. Just buy them 'an experience'.

If and when she gives you a list say" no can do, already spent it all on the experience thingy. Thought that's what you were after". Job done.

Original poster
Backofbeyond50 · 09/11/2021 04:19

@arcof I requested a voucher for a company that does a BOGOT promotion in January but dsis won't buy vouchers so O had to specify exactly what I wanted.

OP posts:
TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 09/11/2021 04:21

Doesn't need to be a big deal. You could just say "thanks but that's not really what I want" and then maybe she will listen. She may just get you the experience anyway, in which case you don't need to feel bad about not getting her the exact thing that she wanted.

I don't know what your relationship is like in general, but if it is good, I really wouldn't kick up a big fuss over this. It's such an insignificant thing and it isn't worth falling out over at Christmas.

IHateCoronavirus · 09/11/2021 04:23

So what would you as a family really like to do? Where would you like to go? Days out/experiences can be bloody expensive. By giving you such a gift she is really saving you money, giving you quality time as a family and helping you to forge happy memories. It sounds lovely!

BasiliskStare · 09/11/2021 04:23

I just say you don't want an experience and tell her what you would like if that is your tradition - or just say - assume tradition no longer holds & buy what you would like for her and her family.

BasiliskStare · 09/11/2021 04:26

Or if she is going to buy an experience make sure she knows it is one you all can use.

So e.g. if someone ( however kindly ) bought me a parachute jump I would write them a nice thank you card and then burn the voucher / ticket with fire. Grin

FlowerArranger · 09/11/2021 04:27

I've said this before and I'll say it again: my Christmases became so much simpler and more enjoyable once I told everyone that I do not want any gifts, nor will I give any.

Most of us don't need more stuff, or 'experiences'. And that includes other people's children. Just get off this #@"%*& merry go-round and save yourself this yearly hassle and headache.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 09/11/2021 04:32

We get lots of ‘experience’ gifts. Theatre tickets, concert tickets… We all have enough crap that we don’t need and it’s nice to have something to look forward to. We are all on board with that though.

BasiliskStare · 09/11/2021 04:38

@BeingATwatItsABingThing Now that I am on board with also but it does assume the person knows the experience is one you will like. So - parachute jump or a trip round the spider house at the local zoo no thank you - a decent theatre ticket for something I want to see or an exhibition - lovely Grin

Original poster
Backofbeyond50 · 09/11/2021 04:42

TBF I really can't be assed with any of it. I would gladly say let's not bother with gifts this year.
TBH I think the experience thing is a dig. Our kids are older and 2 of the 3 have SEN so have to pick and choose carefully what we do. They have one nt child and post weekly about their jaunts.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 09/11/2021 04:43

[quote BasiliskStare]@BeingATwatItsABingThing Now that I am on board with also but it does assume the person knows the experience is one you will like. So - parachute jump or a trip round the spider house at the local zoo no thank you - a decent theatre ticket for something I want to see or an exhibition - lovely Grin[/quote]
Oh definitely! It’s just family we do it for so mostly know what they’d like. Luckily, no spiders so far.

SuPerDoPer · 09/11/2021 04:49

@Backofbeyond50

TBF I really can't be assed with any of it. I would gladly say let's not bother with gifts this year. TBH I think the experience thing is a dig. Our kids are older and 2 of the 3 have SEN so have to pick and choose carefully what we do. They have one nt child and post weekly about their jaunts.
Well then tell them. There's no prizes for being a martyr, at christmas or at any other time of the year. There's clearly very little joy in this gift giving/receiving experience and you all seem to resent it. So sack it off.
NoSquirrels · 09/11/2021 04:52

Can’t you just say, enthusiastically- “Brilliant idea! Let’s do experience gifs this year. I’ll have a think and let you know what we’d like as a family, and you do the same.”

There’s nothing wrong with doing experiences not physical gifts - but only if that’s the rule on both sides, and only if both sides get to say what they’d enjoy.

Cattitudes · 09/11/2021 04:56

I would say with covid it could be tricky if you need to book and cancel so you think it would be best if you each managed and paid for your own experience this year, point out that you are effectively just transferring money between yourselves anyway, agree on a budget. Then pocket the money you would have spent on her for wine and chocolate.

Cocogreen · 09/11/2021 04:59

@FlowerArranger

I've said this before and I'll say it again: my Christmases became so much simpler and more enjoyable once I told everyone that I do not want any gifts, nor will I give any.

Most of us don't need more stuff, or 'experiences'. And that includes other people's children. Just get off this #@"%*& merry go-round and save yourself this yearly hassle and headache.

I agree. It all sounds so chore like. Lists. Gifts by request. Honestly make this year the year you just stop with the gifts, vouchers, experiences.
MrsCardone · 09/11/2021 05:00

Get her experiences as well. But be careful. I did this 2 years running for FIL and it was a failure both times.

The first time was lunch at a llama farm which he HATED and moaned about for ages afterwards.

The second was High Tea at a fancy hotel. Unfortunately I had misunderstood the offer and only bought one ticket (I thought it was tea for 2). So they didn't go and didn't let us know so that we could buy a ticket for MIL. So it was a waste of money.

PicaK · 09/11/2021 05:04

Oh that's just infuriating for you.
Using Xmas gifts to passively aggressively comment on your perceived failures as a parent. No wonder you're furious with her.
Total lack of understanding or willingness to understand on her part.
I guess your only option is to think out of the box of experiences the kids actually do like and ask for those. You might need to ring those places and see if they'll do vouchers.

JackieChiles · 09/11/2021 05:09

[quote Backofbeyond50]@arcof I requested a voucher for a company that does a BOGOT promotion in January but dsis won't buy vouchers so O had to specify exactly what I wanted.[/quote]
With all due respect that doesn’t mean you are missing out on the deal. “Missing out” on a gift suggests that you were entitled to it in the first place. But you’re never entitled to a gift. And if you do get one it doesn’t mean you’ve been given the cash value of what has been spent. If the BOGOF was in December your sister would not have been obligated to buy you two jumpers. Your sister is not spending “your” money that you were saving for the BOGOF. You are free to take advantage of the deal with your own money. Anyway, if the store takes vouchers for the BOGOF then you can probably return your gift for a store credit voucher and spend that as and when you please. Likewise your sister is not entitled to your money. It is your choice whether you buy your sister something from her hypothetical future list or indeed anything at all. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past. Things change and traditions are not binding commitments.

It does sound, though, like this may be the year to drop the adult gift giving. If everyone just spends the money on themselves it would save confusion and resentment.

frazzledasarock · 09/11/2021 05:13

Tell your sister as she’s imposing weird rules on the gifts, it’s probably best to stop with the gifts altogether.

You’ll buy yourself whatever you want and she can do the same.

tallduckandhandsome · 09/11/2021 05:16

Yep, stop the presents.

PinkSyCo · 09/11/2021 05:20

So she expects you to chose things from her list to buy for her family but gets to decide for herself what to buy yours? Quite entitled and controlling your DSis isn’t she?

Justilou1 · 09/11/2021 05:25

Urgh… I’d say “ So despite me telling you what we actually wanted and needed, yet again you seem to think that you know better than we do. Since you obviously have no idea how difficult it is to find appropriate “experiences” for two of our kids, let alone the organization required in getting them there, or the stress experienced during the day, or the extra help required - YOU can take them. Then perhaps you’ll have a window of insight into why vouchers suit me better.