Is dsis being unreasonable re gifts

[Backofbeyond50]

So our Christmas tradition is to tell others exactly what we want and buy said gift. Simple but effective.

So this year disis will undoubtedly give us a list of exactly what she and her dh and 2 dds want and we will oblige.
Yet we have been told that she intends to not buy gifts but experiences.
AIBU to think this is a little cheeky. There is history tbh anyway. She insists on buying gifts rather than vouchers. This meant that I lost out in a bogof promotion post Christmas. Yet we have as purchased vouchers or given cash previously.
I know it is petty but AIBU to think that this isn't in keeping with tradition.

TBH you both sound really hard work. I’d literally say, let’s stop the gifts from now on and buy your own kids an extra gift if you feel like they are missing out.
There does come a time when people run out of things they want or need and that’s when experiences can be handy. Although it sounds like you think this to be arsey anyway. Just sack off buying for each other.

This isn't what Christmas is about.

Just accept the gift graciously! What is wrong with people these days…!?!

I say stop with the gifts. It's adding too much stress.
A bottle of wine and something nice to eat. Simple.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

This isn't what Christmas is about.

this.

the whole thing sounds quite un festive.

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

The spirit of Christmas has truly died.

it is very sad.

@WarmWinterSun

Just accept the gift graciously! What is wrong with people these days…!?!

People are concerned about the waste and environmental impact of all this stuff that people mostly don't want or need.

People get trapped in a cycle of gift giving that they often can't afford so effectively they spend money on things they don't want at the expense of things they might need.

Many people have too much stuff in their home and are stressed by this, are trying to reduce the possessions they have but at the same time are fighting a tide of people imposing yet more unwanted stuff on them.

It is not always a nice generous thoughtful gesture to impose things on other people, it gives them guilt about waste and stress about money and clutter. When people say they don't want anything, people need to start listening and respect their wishes.

@WarmWinterSun

Just accept the gift graciously! What is wrong with people these days…!?!

I always accept gifts graciously. The giver will never know I don't like it, won't keep it and will give it to a charity shop in 2 weeks time.

I'm beginning to wonder if that's the right thing to do. My group of friends love scarves/statement necklaces. I cannot bear them but always appear gracious and appreciative when given them. Perhaps if I was honest and said 'it's a lovely thought but it's not my style and I won't wear it' they wouldn't buy me something similar again. I'm also unsure how lovely the thought is. They have never seen me wear a scarf or a statement necklace (I am petite and things like that swamp me so the only necklaces I wear are small gold or gemstone pendants) so is it really thoughtful to give me them for birthdays or from Secret Santa?

I turn 50 next week and am out for lunch with another group of friends. I know they have clubbed together to buy me one 'special' present. I am dreading it. The last 'special' present they bought me was a huge double sized slow cooker as a wedding gift! I hate food cooked in those things and it was vast so I had nowhere to store it but I was still gracious and appreciative. Luckily I volunteer at a local soup kitchen so the huge electric cauldron is now on a long term loan to them!

@Practicebeingpatient

I sympathise with you! But I still think it’s the right thing. I was brought up to be grateful for gifts and that is what I teach my children. I think it’s bad manners to say you don’t like a gift, unless you are given a gift receipt with it and the gift giver makes it very clear that no offence would be taken if you change it.

I realise that it modern times it’s more common for people to be honest and say they don’t like a gift. I think it’s a shame that our culture is becoming more about getting exactly what some one wants, and gift giving loses its meaning this way.

Maybe you could drop some hints with your friends about what you do/don’t like?

You’re being ridiculous.
Not least for the missing out on a BOGOF, which you didn’t.

Your family has a tradition of providing gift lifts for “things” not vouchers. Fine.

This year, you know your sister intends to give experiences.

So why are you grumbling about her asking for “things” when she hasn’t even done that yet?

Just message her: “good idea on experiences not things, happy with that. When will you be sending a list of what experiences your family would like? I’ve had a think, and we’d love Cineworld* vouchers, please.”

*that’s me picking something that most families can use, regardless of SEN - or at least are great for re-gifting. Obviously, you decide what’s good for you family

Stop being so passive, and complaining about something that (a) hasn’t happened and (b) you can stop

Even if she says, “oh no I want you to get me things” - what’s the big deal? It’s all one massive transaction where you just shop off a list anyway. Which is either very practical and avoids waste, or is utterly joyless - depending on your personal point of view. But whichever you think it is, if you’re providing a list then it works.

Graciously accept it and then regift it to her for her birthday! 😀

In all seriousness, I agree with PP who've said just talk to her. I wouldn't assume it's a dig either, she could just be thinking that because they love outings, you will too. It's understandable that you might be sensitive to her not realising what your DCs need as it's totally not on her radar, but that's just lack of awareness, not necessarily malicious. I think in general a good long clear and direct chat is needed. If she's still ignoring what you said/your wishes after that then so what, it's her money she's wasting.

its nice to perhaps ask someone what they would like for christmas to gather some ideas, but giving a list? Isn't that reserved for children writing to santa?

This.

Maybe you could drop some hints with your friends about what you do/don’t like?

What I like is seeing my friends. In a pub, at my house or theirs. For a couple of hours or a long weekend. For coffee or wine or a meal or a show or a walk. What I like is their company. What I don't like is more generic 'stuff'.

If there is something I want it will be for my hobby. It might only cost a couple of quid but it will be pretty specialist and niche so my friends couldn't be expected to know which particular version of an item would be useful or appropriate. If it's not for my hobby my tastes in clothes/jewellery/toiletries etc are so expensive that I would never expect other people to spend that sort of money on me.

We are doing our annual Secret Santa soon. It's one of my favourite nights of the year but this year I have asked to be left out of the present rota and I will just turn up and enjoy the evening. Not getting a gift won't spoil my enjoyment in any way. Since I asked to do that a couple of others have asked to do the same.

Down with presents - Up with seeing my mates! I wish that were catchier but you get my drift.

So your sister chooses your gifts for her family and also chooses her gifts to your family? That's hardly working from a gift list is it?

I would regift any "experience" presents she gives to you or your family back to her family on their next birthdays -or If there's 2 years on them or dates you can use it- maybe for all their Xmas presents. Have you still got last years?

"Hi sis, we know you must love this as you bought it for us for Xmas, not from our list. Sadly we don't like this kind of thing and won't ever use it and don't want it wasted.
Can you please buy from our list , the same as you ask us to buy from the gift lists you send us.
Or shall we stop exchanging gifts ? We could just do a selection box of chocolates each.
Love Othersis"

Thing is, she's your sister, so you can say what you want to her and you don't have to do what she says. Thems the rules for siblings!

If it's not working for you and you don't want experience gifts then say ..
Don't buy us experience gifts. If that's what you're planning, I suggest we don't do gifts this year at all. Or...
I'll buy your DDs a selection box you can do same for our DCs and no presents for adults, as it's getting silly.

Blimey, I bet you weren't this polite to each other growing up!

Are you sure this is a dig at you? I'd wonder if she loves her outings and thinks it's just what you and your family need too. I'd take the opportunity to let her know what you're doing for Christmas this year - and make it something you love. If she's unhappy when she opens it you can always suggest a swap :-)

Either stop moaning and accept you are letting her dictate or Tell Her.

DH and his siblings stopped buying presents for each other years ago.
Nieces and nephews get an Amazon voucher ( which might sound soulless ) but they are of an age where just unwrapping something is no longer the joy & they can get themselves something they would like.
But this is agreed amongst SIL & BIL & DH.

If they are at our house I buy a tiny few things just for under the tree but if not I don't.

Oh and btw Amazon vouchers are because one sibling lives on the far side of the world - I know some people don't like them but seems more of a present than just transferring money . Niece loves them ( at university in UK ) as she can choose what she wants & it is her money . I used to buy them presents but as they get older I do not trust myself to buy something they would really like rather them just saying thank you to be polite ( which they would be ) - so our family rule is the two siblings who are not parents band together and get an amazon voucher for the DC.

I wouldn’t be buying anything of her list if it’s not reciprocated. Why would you?

Is she getting a discount on them that wld be my first though. Secondly I'd just say no we want x, y and z please. If u get to choose ours then we choose urs too. Simple. She's also a cheeky biatch!

@NoSquirrels

You could say to your sister - ‘I’ve had a brilliant idea! Rather than gifts, why don’t we do an experience with each other’s DC? I’d love to take DN out for the day and my DC would live a day out with their aunt…’

I'm all for this suggestion, OP.

She's buying 5 presents and you're buying 3. She's buying experiences and you're buying gifts. Don't get so busy keeping score of Christmas that you forget to enjoy it. Why don't you all save your money, buy some board games from a charity shop and have a games night together. Or make each other some biscuits or something. You seem to be getting away from the spirit of Christmas.

I’d either ditch the gift buying altogether or ask for her list of experiences.

buy some board games from a charity shop and have a games night together. Or make each other some biscuits or something. You seem to be getting away from the spirit of Christmas

I agree. And the money saved could go to some of the charities supporting children who'll never get to open any gift, be it Christmas or birthday or anything at all. Some of them don't even have toilets or clean water to drink.