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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is dsis being unreasonable re gifts

126 replies

Backofbeyond50 · 09/11/2021 03:31

So our Christmas tradition is to tell others exactly what we want and buy said gift. Simple but effective.

So this year disis will undoubtedly give us a list of exactly what she and her dh and 2 dds want and we will oblige.
Yet we have been told that she intends to not buy gifts but experiences.
AIBU to think this is a little cheeky. There is history tbh anyway. She insists on buying gifts rather than vouchers. This meant that I lost out in a bogof promotion post Christmas. Yet we have as purchased vouchers or given cash previously.
I know it is petty but AIBU to think that this isn't in keeping with tradition.

OP posts:

jessycake · 09/11/2021 08:36

I think gift experiences are a bit of a pain , I would rather have the cash and book my own experience , the last one I was given was wasted because of covid.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/11/2021 08:36

Yet we have been told that she intends to not buy gifts but experiences

So why don't you pick up the phone and talk to her to find out what she actually plans and then tell her if that doesn't work for you?

MangoIce · 09/11/2021 08:38

I haven’t asked for gifts since I was a child. My family seem to know exactly what I want - even if I don’t know it! My family doesn’t ask for gifts, but I pick things I know they’ll like.

Just stop it with the Christmas lists. You sound like children circling the latest toys in an Argos catalogue.

crossstitchcat · 09/11/2021 08:39

I'm sorry if this comes across as a bit harsh, but I've seen a few post recently about people being told by siblings cousins etc the Christmas rules on presents. Demanding specific gifts or a minimum spend limit (usually a stupid amount) and the posters have gone along with it for years despite disliking the whole thing. Why!?
I just don't get it.
Just tell her no.

starfishmummy · 09/11/2021 08:40

I agree stop the presents or suggest a £5 limit

cutebutscary · 09/11/2021 08:42

I think that when you're at the point of not enjoying the gift giving ( or receiving ) then stop . Pull your big girl pants up and say 'let's just stop' . Where is the Christmas spirit if you feel your sister is manipulating the plan and you are already getting the rage over the gifts . I've told my brother I'm not cooking for the entire family again this year ( have done it for 20 years ) as I'm resenting giving up time that I spend planning, shopping, prepping, cooking and then cleaning up after everyone when I want to spend time with my children enjoying playing with toys or putting them together , or even getting any chance to watch some Christmas telly ! I just thought - nope . Now he's wondering who else he can palm himself off on. Ironically , the offer of having my family at theirs to reciprocate after all these years has not been forthcoming . Just don't do things any more that don't make you happy . Life is too short. Covid has taught us all this by now surely

Blush21 · 09/11/2021 08:42

I would say let’s not bother and just buy the kids. DPs mum has form for this, they all give him lists and demands and he’s lucky to get a token gift back. Really winds me up

Tulipomania · 09/11/2021 08:43

I think making lists of presents is a great idea to avoid waste but asking for vouchers is just really naff and as bad as asking for cash.

Why not specify the gift you'd like from the shop that you ask for the voucher from.

The experience thing is a bit odd - it would be good if you discuss with her what sort of experience would be appropriate. Spa day fine if you like such things, or tickets to a play you are keen to see... etc.

Yuledo · 09/11/2021 08:54

You buy her one back that she won’t be keen on.

Tbh most vouchers from places like buyagift can easily be exchanged for other experiences, if you don’t like what you are given.

Buyagift were brilliant extending vouchers through covid too, even when my extended voucher expired again a year later. I was really impressed with them.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 09/11/2021 08:57

So you allow her to tell you what to buy, but she then also dictates what you will like?

Why do you allow this? Take her list and buy exactly what you want for her. Then when she moans tell her she is ungrateful. Or better still, tell her you are sponsoring an animal and write it in a card to be opened on Xmas day

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 09/11/2021 08:57

@Backofbeyond50

TBF I really can't be assed with any of it. I would gladly say let's not bother with gifts this year. TBH I think the experience thing is a dig. Our kids are older and 2 of the 3 have SEN so have to pick and choose carefully what we do. They have one nt child and post weekly about their jaunts.

I think you should tell her that is how it felt. Either she will double down and you will be left in no doubt or she will be mortified and apologise. Sometimes people really are awful and other times it’s just a misunderstanding or bad decision on their part without intending to be malicious. Give her a chance by being really open about how it felt like a go at your children because they don’t (read can’t) do the things her NT child can.

I’m a fellow SEN mum so I know how hard it can be.

Viviennemary · 09/11/2021 08:59

If she doesn't stick to the list then you don't. If she does experience gifts I'd buy her a goat from Oxfam. See if she likes that experience. Cf.

Theunamedcat · 09/11/2021 09:14

Buy her the gift of a donation to charity let her experience dissatisfaction kudos if you can make it sen related for the ultimate passive point making

(Realistically I would talk to her but I would fantasise about doing the above)

HilaryBriss · 09/11/2021 09:18

A family member started with the 'experiences' instead of gifts a few years back. The first two of which involved travelling miles to a big city in order to be able to do them and one needed an overnight stay. The 3rd (and final!!) was slightly better as we had a choice of what we could do so chose something close to home.

I think it was because they didn't know what else to get us, we only see each other at Christmas!

Needless to say we had a conversation between us the following year and no longer exchange gifts.

Skeumorph · 09/11/2021 09:19

[quote Backofbeyond50]@arcof I requested a voucher for a company that does a BOGOT promotion in January but dsis won't buy vouchers so O had to specify exactly what I wanted.[/quote]
Then when she specifies her gifts, tell her you don't want to buy X but she can have Y. Or tell her that you aren't following requests any more as it seems too difficult for everyone to be happy about what they're buying, like voichers being a problem.

Skeumorph · 09/11/2021 09:23

@Backofbeyond50

Oh right she sounds like a bossy needling cow then?

Just say you're not bothered about gifts this year as you don't want experiences, so if that's the only thing she is prepared to give, let's forget it.

PicturesOfLily · 09/11/2021 09:27

I think I’m the odd one out here because I like to know if there’s anything the people I’m buying for actually want or need. I also like to buy and receive experiences (as long as I know it’s something that the person actually wants). My mum is really hard to buy for so I often get theatre tickets and go with her plus drive there and back as she enjoys it and wouldn’t go otherwise. I do feel a bit cheeky though as I get a treat too! However I think your DSis has double standards and you should just stop with the gifts if it’s causing stress and resentment. Spend the money on something your family will all enjoy.

bucketsoflove · 09/11/2021 09:37

I don't really understand the problem either. Your sister wants to change the way she buys you presents. Since she's the one buying, that's totally up to her.

You get to decide how to react. Keep buying what's on her list because that's what they want? Buy them an experience in return? Decide it's all too hard and suggest no presents or just kids only?

You don't have to be passive when people change aspects of your relationships. I wish schools would teach kids about boundaries.

Notaroadrunner · 09/11/2021 09:45

Put an end to it now. Just tell her that you won't be exchanging gifts at all from now on as there's no element of surprise, so she may as well buy what she wants for herself and her family and you'll do the same.

irene9 · 09/11/2021 09:50

You can hold on to this and get stressed over it. Or just let it go.
Let her buy whatever she like. You do your thing.
Smile politely and thank each other for the gift then move on.

DysmalRadius · 09/11/2021 09:51

I think you've got the right idea - tell her that this constantly changing and controlling system of gift exchange (as diplomatically or not, as you like) is getting out of hand, and maybe you should just enjoy spending some time together and put your Christmas budget towards something that you would actually like.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 09/11/2021 09:52

Lots more people are buying experience vouchers rather than stuff, and I think it is a really nice thing to do, especially if it means you have quality time with someone doing something fun. So YABU I think.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 09/11/2021 09:56

The spirit of Christmas has truly died.

fumfspos · 09/11/2021 09:58

I don't really get the point of gift giving when it ends up like this. You exchange lists and buy stuff off the lists for each other, presumably spending similar amounts.
She says she intends to buy experiences instead of gifts. You are assuming that her list will then be a list of gifts. Perhaps it will be experiences instead. I wouldn't want to receive an experience as I wouldn't want to feel obliged to do something I wouldn't enjoy and if I had children with additional needs I definitely wouldn't want a random experience for Christmas which might be totally unsuitable for the children.
However, I do see why some people would prefer something like that rather than getting more stuff to clutter up their house.

I would just tell her you don't want an experience thank you and that instead of all this gift giving shennanigans, this year you should spend money on yourselves and give token surprise gifts up to 5 quid.

Such a drama.

Bookworm20 · 09/11/2021 09:58

What's the point in buying each other gifts if there's not thought or effort? The best part about gifting is the surprise on someone's face after they've opened their carefully chosen present.

If you're getting lists you may as well just stop buying for each other and spend the money on yourselves.

This really. I mean its nice to perhaps ask someone what they would like for christmas to gather some ideas, but giving a list? Isn't that reserved for children writing to santa?

DSD used to do this. Every birthday and christmas, she'd give a list of what she wanted and all relatives liased with each other to make sure no one purchased the same thing. And the things were not cheap either! It used to utterly do my head in, as was so grabby and totally missed the point of gift giving. And she was an adult, not a child! After 3 years of this, I just ignored the list and gave her money because what was the point if she already knew what she'd be getting anyway.

Why don't you just say that you have decided its all a bit much and that you will only be doing token gifts for the adults this year, and getting the DC something of your choosing you think they would like.
Then put on your hard hat and stick to your guns.

No one should be dictating what YOU buy for THEM at christmas!

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