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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report this mum to the police - let my DD ride without a seatbelt

490 replies

YourFinestPantaloons · 08/11/2021 19:53

DD (9) attends football and another mum from school (whose DD also is part of the club) offered to take them to football practice after school tonight.

I said yes, and had no reason not to trust her, I'd taken her DD before. I said shall I leave a car seat at school reception - she said no, they have a spare they will bring.

It turns out that not only did they forget the spare car seat, the seatbelt in the back (middle) wasn't working. She was giving another child a lift, meaning 4 children in total (including her 2 DC) were in the car. She made DD, as the oldest, sit in the middle in the back and drove 5 miles with no seatbelt on and no car seat.

I'm absolutely furious. I rang her after DD grassed and she said they were running late and didn't want to call me at work and couldn't think of another way to get to football, and it's '5 miles of quiet road'.

WIBU to report her to the police or should I calm down? I'm so angry, I would not be going to football if this was me, they'd have to skip a week, I can't believe she put my DD at risk.

OP posts:
PandoraP · 08/11/2021 22:31

I would not call the police but never let DD go in the car with her again. I would never drive with a child with no seat belt in the car. Shockingly stupid!!

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/11/2021 22:31

Horrendous on her part. And the worst part is she chose your DD to be the at risk child. It beggars belief. She didn’t risk her own previous children, did she? Ugh. No ethical backbone at all.

The thing is, it feels like an overreaction to inform the police but if she’s done it once she will do it again.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/11/2021 22:31

*precious

Livelovebehappy · 08/11/2021 22:33

I’d be annoyed, and just wouldn’t allow her to travel with her again. But involve the police? Nope. They are understaffed, and I would rather them use their resources to catch burglars, rapists, murderers, than spend time chasing down someone who didn’t use a seatbelt tbh.

Heartdogs · 08/11/2021 22:33

Oh my god. She'll not do you a favour again.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 08/11/2021 22:33

@Tiredalwaystired

All calling the police will do is divert them away from an actual crime.

Just let her know you’re unhappy and don’t let her take your child again.

This is absolutely not true. In the unlikely event that the police did anything more than log the call it would be given to a PCSO to "have a chat". They do not deal with crime. However I can't imagine any force that would have the luxury of that many staff to speak to the driver. Maybe in the Isle of Man 🤔
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 08/11/2021 22:34

[quote Theresamagicalplace]**@MissLucyEyelesbarrow* you say The fatality rate for UK child car occupants is 10 deaths per billion vehicle miles - and that includes kids driven by drunk/stoned drivers* but you do realise that is due to CAR SEATS AND SEATBELTS being used right? Look at the fatalities before car seat regulations improved or before seat belts were mandatory.[/quote]
I have covered this in an earlier post. Making seatbelts compulsory for children did not, of itself, reduce death rates. What really improved death rates was safer car design - look at the difference between a small car in the 90s compared to now. Of course, seatbelts are a good thing and save lives on a population level but the fact remains that driving 5 miles without a seatbelt on is a very, very safe thing to do.

Putting RANDOM capitals IN your posts DOES not make YOUR argument stronger by THE way.

wasthataburp · 08/11/2021 22:38

What she did isn't actually illegal though. Please don't waste the police or anyone else's time with this. Just don't let your kid in her car again.

Ladyface · 08/11/2021 22:39

I wouldn’t call the police but I’d be furious that she’d put my dd at risk. There are thousands of car accidents every year resulting in life changing injuries. Not wearing a seatbelt obviously significantly increases the risk, hence laws putting the responsibility on the driver to ensure all passengers are wearing one. It is very telling that she did not put her own children in that seat. For all of you saying it’s a non-issue, I would suggest looking at the crash test videos on you tube. Someone doing you a favour does not give them the right to break the law or put your dd at risk.

Theresamagicalplace · 08/11/2021 22:40

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow you addressed seatbelts but not car seats which the op also requested was used. And driving 5 miles without a seatbelt is not very very safe, a few weeks ago 2 miles from my house a man died in an RTC (while wearing a seatbelt), the distance has absolutely nothing to do with the safety, road conditions, type or road etc do.

And the caps were for emphasis not to make my argument stronger so no need to be a sarcastic arsehole because someone disagreed with you Hmm

RosesAndHellebores · 08/11/2021 22:42

If the alternative was leaving the child five miles away from home in the dark, while she waited for her own mother to arrive I know which I'd have preferred

BlameItOnTheBlackStar · 08/11/2021 22:42

I live in a wee village with no taxis @shouldistop and the boy's mum doesn't drive, and DH was at work with the other car.

Soooo...no there weren't really other options. It's not like I lashed him to the roof with a belt or anything.

ConfusedBear · 08/11/2021 22:45

In a crash an unsecured passenger becomes a loose passenger who can hit/injure/kill the other passengers in the car.

So everyone saying they would have put their own child in the seat with the broken seatbelt would still have increased the risk for the other children in the car.

waternfire · 08/11/2021 22:46

So why didn't her 9 year old dd sit in the middle? Aren't they the same age?

shouldistop · 08/11/2021 22:47

@BlameItOnTheBlackStar

I live in a wee village with no taxis *@shouldistop* and the boy's mum doesn't drive, and DH was at work with the other car.

Soooo...no there weren't really other options. It's not like I lashed him to the roof with a belt or anything.

Why wasn't your child the one with no seat belt?
DontTellThemYourNamePike · 08/11/2021 22:50

I can't believe some of the responses on here. 'It was only 5 miles' - that's the best one. Because we all know that you have to travel more than 5 miles before there's any chance of an accident. And if the seatbelt is broken, sure it doesn't matter - because in an accident the person in that seat will only be killed if they deliberately decided not to wear a seatbelt. I'm sorry, but getting to football is not as important as making sure all the occupants of your car are safely strapped in. You don't get advance warning of when you will be involved in a crash - hence the word 'accident'.

I'd be seriously pissed off about this. But I wouldn't call the police. I would just make a point of never letting my child anywhere near her car again. Just because someone is doing you a favour (I mean, COME ON) doesn't give them the right to put your child in danger.

There are some fucking dangerous idiots on this thread.

LynetteScavo · 08/11/2021 22:50

I'd also be furious! She should have phoned you at work, just the same as if her car was broken down.

If it was such a jolly idea for your DD to have no seatbelt, why didn't she put her own child in the seat with no belt?

Bloody stupid woman.

Strokethefurrywall · 08/11/2021 22:51

Just calm down OP. You’ve had your word with the woman and had your say, not sure what you expect from posting a thread on Mumsnet is going to do, except for what you’ve received which is a load of people telling you not to waste police time with this.

Yes it happened, yes it’s not ideal and yes you’re angry, but the only reason you’re so angry is because the mum isn’t as contrite as you want her to be.

If it makes you feel better, call her up again and yell at her 🤷🏽‍♀️

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 08/11/2021 22:52

[quote Theresamagicalplace]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow you addressed seatbelts but not car seats which the op also requested was used. And driving 5 miles without a seatbelt is not very very safe, a few weeks ago 2 miles from my house a man died in an RTC (while wearing a seatbelt), the distance has absolutely nothing to do with the safety, road conditions, type or road etc do.

And the caps were for emphasis not to make my argument stronger so no need to be a sarcastic arsehole because someone disagreed with you Hmm[/quote]
It's sad that someone died in an RTC 2 miles from your house, but I'm not sure what you think that tells us about the risk of death/serious injury from a 5 mile journey? People can be killed in a journey of half a mile, or 10 metres - but it is very very very unlikely. The OP's DD coming to harm from her journey was very, very, very unlikely.

Seatbelts and car seats are good things and should be used. But the fact remains that a short journey with a sober driver is one of the least risky things you can do, even without a seatbelt.

Kitkat151 · 08/11/2021 22:52

@ineedsun

It’s the law to wear a seat belt .... wouldn’t that bother you? .... Wouldn’t it bother you that your child could have died or had life changing injuries even driving carefully , if no seat belt was worn ? Or do you just not give a shit about your kid?

😂😂😂😂😂

The operative expression here is could have - the child was fine.

But yeah, I’m sure anyone not shrieking for a life sentence whilst clutching their pearls must not give a shit about their child.

I never mentioned ‘life sentences’ or even contacting the police....but my children and GC are the most precious things in my life....if someone them in any potential danger......I would be livid..... and the fact that the child is ‘fine’ is irrelevant.....that mother put someone else’s child at risk. My neighbours child died as a result of not wearing a seatbelt ( many years ago....but the pain is still as raw today for his parents) So you go on....you take the piss...you put all your fucking stupid emojis on here and laugh away
BlameItOnTheBlackStar · 08/11/2021 22:53

I just never gave it that much thought, didn't think to switch them around. Like I say, I live in a tiny place and the only other vehicle I saw was the bin lorry we got stuck behind, so actually drove at about 6 miles per hour.

I mean obviously we all agree I'm a terrible person with no ethical backbone who doesn't give a shit about other peoples' children. But I used my sense of proportion and it all turned out fine.

This thread has reminded me though, of my friend's Dad, who bought an ex-hearse in 1988 for transporting his five kids about. It had no seats in it apart from the ones for the undertakers up front Shock so the kids just rolled about in the back.

anotheronenow · 08/11/2021 22:58

OP I am really sorry this happened. I agree it was really awful of the other mum. Also putting the oldest, not the smallest, into the middle without a seatbelt was the icing on the cake.

I don't think you should call the police. In your place, I would try to get my anxiety and anger out by writing her a letter saying you'd considered calling them, so she knows just how unacceptable this is. But I would not send it tonight. Just wake up tomorrow (hopefully you will sleep better if you write it all down), read it over and edit it tomorrow and then send it.

And for the people saying we all rolled around without seatbelts as kids, well yes, we did (I did), but I tend to think there were fewer cars on the road then, and people weren't always in a mad rush (although, seeing both sides, cars have airbags etc now). But the thing is, OP has a petite daughter and Other Mother put her in the riskiest position in the car (middle, no seatbelt, straight into the windscreen in a crash) and she put her own kids and the other guest kid in better positions.

Kitkat151 · 08/11/2021 23:01

@BlameItOnTheBlackStar

I just never gave it that much thought, didn't think to switch them around. Like I say, I live in a tiny place and the only other vehicle I saw was the bin lorry we got stuck behind, so actually drove at about 6 miles per hour.

I mean obviously we all agree I'm a terrible person with no ethical backbone who doesn't give a shit about other peoples' children. But I used my sense of proportion and it all turned out fine.

This thread has reminded me though, of my friend's Dad, who bought an ex-hearse in 1988 for transporting his five kids about. It had no seats in it apart from the ones for the undertakers up front Shock so the kids just rolled about in the back.

you are also a law breaker and someone who would put another mothers child at risk.... next time put your own kid in the seat without a belt
JustLyra · 08/11/2021 23:07

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

What in the honour of god value is there in a child holding a seatbelt together. Give me strength. I didn't do physics but surely you can work out that that's a waste of time?
That’ll be so that the driver doesn’t get stopped and fined.

It’s funny how the friend, and another poster on the thread, didn’t put their own kids in the seatbelt free seats…

I’d be livid @YourFinestPantaloons. Just don’t let her take your DD anywhere again and if that involves anyone asking why you don’t do lift shares anymore I’d say that there was a disagreement over the importance of seat belts.

BlameItOnTheBlackStar · 08/11/2021 23:12

Either way I broke the law, it was that or leave a 9 year old at home alone in the dark which he is scared of. But adults...you know, sometimes life happens and we have to make a judgement call. And in my case and in the OPs it all turned out fine.

I don't feel bad about it, despite the massive dramatics on this thread. Write her a letter, for gods sake! Who the fuck would do that?!

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