Why won't he SHUT UP?!

[fixlet]

I'm a teacher, so I usually work for about an hour on the laptop when I get home, replying to emails that stack up during the day, or planning etc.

My husband has usually been home for 45 minutes by himself by the time I get back from work. We have a quick catch up together, then I get on with my work before making a start on dinner.

However, during that hour of work, he makes constant noise, and it's PISSING ME OFF. He clears his throat constantly, blows his nose, slurps tea, chomps biscuits and tries to sing or talk with his mouth full, drums on the table, plays a game on his phone with the sound on, crashing around doing the dishwasher much louder than normal.... it's just constant. Even headphones don't make a difference.

He doesn't like it if I take myself off to the study to concentrate. If I go to the kitchen table, he follows me and sits next to me. Same if I take the laptop to the sofa.

Now, I do seem to struggle with eating noises generally. However, there is just something about that hour after work, when I'm tired and have dealt with noise and chat all day long from the kids, that is makes my blood boil.

I've told him and told him and told him that I can't cope with the noise and to leave me alone or let me go upstairs, but he gets all hurt and sad-eyed and mopes around.

AIBU to want to wring his neck?

Jesus Christ I feel sorry for him. Woe betide that he might want to actually spend time with his wife after work. He can't eat, drink, do jobs nothing without being criticised. Poor fella probably feels like he's constantly walking on egg shells.

He literally sounds about 2 years old.

@Crinkle77

No, he’s welcome to do all those things. Just not right next to the OP while she’s trying to work.

You know, because of treating people with respect and courtesy.

@Crinkle77

Jesus Christ I feel sorry for him. Woe betide that he might want to actually spend time with his wife after work. He can't eat, drink, do jobs nothing without being criticised. Poor fella probably feels like he's constantly walking on egg shells.

Then he should let the poor woman work in the study without guilting her, so she can relax and enjoy his company when she's finished work, instead of being pissed off because she can't concentrate.

‘He doesn't like it if I take myself off to the study to concentrate’

How deeply unattractive. You’re a Saint, OP.

@Crinkle77

Jesus Christ I feel sorry for him. Woe betide that he might want to actually spend time with his wife after work. He can't eat, drink, do jobs nothing without being criticised. Poor fella probably feels like he's constantly walking on egg shells.

But it's not after her work time.

Would you say that if someone rocked up to your office an hour before your finish time, tried to get your attention repeatedly and when told they need to let you work guilt trip you with puppy dog eyes and moping?

Or would you think it was selfish, inappropriate and immature.

Women don't have to be grateful for a man's attention (or vice versa) if it is unwanted, inconvenient and infringing on their necessary work.

'Do you want me to lose my job? Because I will if you don't fuck off and let me concentrate' should do it

Or let him sulk (hopefully he'll be quieter then) and take yourself off to the study

I don't get it.

He has 45 minutes relax time before you get home. You then have a catch up. He then spends another hour waiting for you to finish your work so you can start making dinner and then what does he do while you're making dinner? This is not team work or a good management of your time as a couple!

He could use that hour to practice his cooking (like every adult had to do to learn how to cook, it's not an innate skill). Then he will get your full attention as you sit down to a relaxed dinner together after you finish work.

Wouldn't that be a better evening for both of you?

What is it about men that can't sit still and have to constantly generate noise? Mine comes into the room and has to change something - lights on or off, curtains open or shut etc etc. He not infrequently then leaves the room again. Drives me nuts. He cannot be still for even a minute. I often count to 60 when he is driving, and he CANNOT go for a minute without touching his face. The constant fiddling with his nose is appalling. I don't know how I've lived with it for 30 years.

@hotmeatymilk

He doesn't like it if I take myself off to the study to concentrate. If I go to the kitchen table, he follows me and sits next to me. Same if I take the laptop to the sofa. Fucking hell, I’d have stabbed him by now. The noise is one thing – DP has ADHD, he’s all out of medication and coping by evening so he’s noisy as FUCK, but he wouldn’t deliberately come and wind me up.

I’m sure you’ve tried maturely talking to him when he sits next to you – all “When you do X I feel Y” touchy-feely bollocks – but have you tried rotating your head like Linda Whatserface in The Exorcist and just full on banshee screaming “FUCK OFF I’M WORKING”?

I have found my tribe!

So you'd stick with someone who thought of you like that?

Dunno, because my first reaction to criticism is to examine whether I've done something to deserve it, @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I wouldn't like myself if my sole response to criticism was "you're not me, so you are definitely wrong, & I'm leaving with no attempt to understand why you feel this way, or to reach common ground."

Kneejerk reactions to conflict tend not to solve disagreements.

Tbh my instant reaction was that he sounds adorable. But I could understand why it would annoy you.

@saveourtrees

Oh dear i am your husband and I follow my DH around after work because I've missed him all day and i genuinely can't help myself. It comes from love. Its better than him not being bothered. Go give him a kiss and a cuddle

You call it love, others call it suffocating neediness. But if you & DH enjoy it, that's nice for you both.

I don't understand your view that there are only 2 options - following someone around "because love!" & anything other than that must therefore mean "not being bothered".
Most folk find something far more comfortable & healthy in the middle ground of those 2 extremes.

@WellLarDeDar

Tbh my instant reaction was that he sounds adorable. But I could understand why it would annoy you.

There you go OP - another willing volunteer to take him off your hands while you do the adulting

Finding it hard to understand why his sulking gets rewarded by you staying in the same room???? Tell him you’re working and go to your office space. If he’s sulking when you come out,tell him you prefer working to looking at his miserable face, go back in office and drink the gin from hidden fridge. If you drunk enough gin you won’t care about his sulk!

Hmmmm. Mystic Meg I’m not but “the future is looking foggy”.

Do you have misophonia?

@Lollypop701

Finding it hard to understand why his sulking gets rewarded by you staying in the same room???? Tell him you’re working and go to your office space. If he’s sulking when you come out,tell him you prefer working to looking at his miserable face, go back in office and drink the gin from hidden fridge. If you drunk enough gin you won’t care about his sulk!

He sounds so awful.

And so selfish.

You have told him what you need but he doesn't give a damn.

The food noises sound frankly horrific.

Think very long and hard before you have a family with such a selfish, helpless man child.

Other breeds of dog might be less noisy? Assume this is about your sad eyed puppy 😆 not an actual man.

You know that toddler who is stuck on auto repeat going ' mummy, mummy, mummy '
Then crayons on the wall while painting the floor with sudocreme because you're too busy to give immediate attention?
That's your DH.
Why doesn't he at least prep the dinner while you're working? Peel the veg etc.
You need to go into your study and slam the door in his face while snarling at him to peel the spuds.

My partner was like this until one day he had to take a work phone call and i purposely kept distracting him with loud noises and 'accidentally' dropped the pans. Oops. Never again did he annoy the f**k out of me

calm down you sound like my dh

Have you ever considered stopping acting like OP's DH then?

Honestly would all you 'loving' people who 'just like their partners' show up at their workplace, follow them around the office and mope when they can't devote all their attention to you? No? Well OP is still working, and having someone tugging your skirt going mummy mummy mummy is not a sign of support and love.

Stay back at work until you're finished for the day?

Get some earplugs or stay at work and stop being a martyr. If he can't cook he needs to learn.
Some people stay rubbish at boring tasks for a reason.

@G5000

calm down you sound like my dh

Have you ever considered stopping acting like OP's DH then?

Honestly would all you 'loving' people who 'just like their partners' show up at their workplace, follow them around the office and mope when they can't devote all their attention to you? No? Well OP is still working, and having someone tugging your skirt going mummy mummy mummy is not a sign of support and love.

Quite. If your partner needs an hour to get on with some work bloody give it to them! You can survive a room away from someone. It's not healthy to be so needy you've turned into a bloody limpet.