Staying with family with 13 month old, who is right?

[spicysausages]

Debating this with a family member.

ILs invite you to stay for a week with 13 month old. 13 month old has a huge appetite and has slight delay with gross motor skills and the medical advice is to make sure the 13 month old eats well (amongst other things). Parent of 13 month old says to ILs that she is happy to cook for 13 month old as she knows what they like and it is important that they eat well.

Problem 1: ILs think that children of guests should be fed by hosts, that it is rude to dictate what your 13 month old eats and rude to not just eat whatever hosts provide and they are quite cross about the idea of adult guest eating with them, happily, but cooking separately for dc. Use of kitchen is not a problem, it is a question of principle not practicalities

Problem 2: ILs have bought spicy sausages and 13 month old has not yet ever eaten chilli or paprika, ILs think that spicy sausages are appropriate, parent does not

Problem 3: Parent of 13 month old tends to cook up stews and then liquidise and to feed this to 13 month old along with finger food. ILs think that any spoon feeding at all at 13months is tantamount to emotional abuse because it is treating the 13 month as younger developmentally than they are, and that the bit about slow gross motor skills is nonsense, a 13 month old will feed themselves enough with finger food

Who do you think is right for each of the problems?!

1 is a bit of both, surely being open to see what is being prepared then adding that baby may not like x y z so could we add other things for them too? so all eating together in addition to extra meals.

2 I think the In laws are unreasonable,

on point 3 I personally don't think there's any need to blend the food and that how are the babies skills going to improve without the opportunity? so personally again I think a bit of both here too

I can see both sides honestly. Next time you visit them stay elsewhere.

In-laws should graciously and generously let you feed your child what you wish, and do whatever they can to make it easy. That is good hospitality- not just following rules.

This is not a "hill im willing to die on" battle to have with your IL's, particularly since it's only a short amount of time it's an issue for - in a year or two your DC will be eating with you all anyway.

Let IL's cook. Let them serve the food they choose (incl spicy sausages). DC picks and eats whatever finger foods they want. Have a load of fruit pouches/ellas pouches/non perishable snacks in your bag, feed these to DC in secret if needed. Give DC big glass of milk before bed.

@QforCucumber did you miss the medical advice bit? So what you or I would do for a 13mo is not particularly relevant.
There’s no harm in offering new foods but nobody would stop me cooking food for my child that I knew they would eat after the new foods had been offered.

You do what is right for your baby. End of. Be polite about it, but do it your way.

Why are you blending food for a child who is over a year old?

Not sure what the preamble meant, child has a huge appetite and medical professional says they must eat well? As opposed to filling them with crap due to an abnormal appetite?

Anyway, I can’t imagine anyone would be unhappy with you cooking up a little meal for a toddler, it’s hardly going to be using every pot and pan they have. I think most people would let you crack on with it.

It’s unreasonable to expect a toddler to eat spicy sausage.

Your description of food does sound odd for the age but I expect there must be medical reasons why you are puréing and spoon feeding. I had one that had to have purée at that age due to swallowing issues (medical background), and one who refused to touch food with hands (sensory issues- ASD) and was fed by spoon/fork until able to properly do it themselves. Other kids were normal and sorted themselves out. So, they are all a mixed bag and I’d just ignore in-laws.

You all sound a bit awful tbh.

ILs could do with being a bit more understanding but a 13 month old can handle some spices (they can eat spices from 6 months) Parents blending stews at any age is absolutely rank. Spoon food is not abusive but move on from the blending. Yuck.

Why are you blending food for a child who is over a year old?

If you read the OP it would seem they have special needs. It’s not uncommon to have to do this for various SN.

I think the parent of 13 month old is being a bit precious to be honest.
Spicy sausage is fine at that age. My kids are off our plates from an early age (6 months?) which meant they definitely ate some spicy stuff.
Making separate food seems like a faff, why can't they just eat what everyone else is having?
And liquidising is not helpful at 13 months of the child can eat non liquidised food. I understand about gross motor delay too. Liquidising usually includes adding liquid so will reduce nutritional content anyway.
Maybe just don't stay there.

I'd let the child pick at inlaw produced food at adult meal times (including the paprika and chilli sausage), and then produce (frozen and brought with you so only needs heating??) food you know the child will eat to top up to full required amounts.

I think both groups are being unreasonable in parts.

I think I'd go home. Its just too much like hard work.

I don't understand why the food would have to be blended. You can feed a baby stew with a spoon, without turning it into puree first. And surely they need to learn how to chew and swallow properly.

This is about a past trip. I think the problem was dc's motor skills and physical energy really were poor, a paediatrician had shown a fair bit of concern about floppy muscles, and dc's appetite was huge, they are very tall for age and lose weight quickly, and they just wouldn't have been able to cope without sufficient food.

With enough food dc are lovely and energetic and hardly cry, without sufficient food a lot of crying and difficulties with sleep. Keeping with what was known and working seemed the most sensible thing and I couldn't really understand why it would be such an issue for hosts after all this had been explained.

Does that affect answers? Just curious really.

I think this is six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Personally I would take some ready prepared things that I know she will eat to top up after the meals there if needed. No need to make a song and dance about it from either side

I would not stay in that house again. DH should step up. The ILs are BU.

And I would not offer a 13 mo old spicy processed meat.

Do your ILs ever have vegetarian guests? Do they offer them spicy sausages as well?

The In laws are unreasonable.

Also there's no reason why a 1 year old can't eat spicy sausage, mine has chorizo and things like that because if they don't have it as a child how will they learn to like it? But have a backup option like toast or something for if they don't eat a lot. Its just a one off.

@timeisnotaline you say my opinion is irrelevant, but then go on to say pretty much exactly what I said too.

I have said both are being a bit unreasonable on points 1 and 3, in that what is the harm in trying with the foods as in laws have mentioned, then continuing as you would normally when it is shown that baby doesn't (they might) eat it all.

The medical advice is that baby needs to eat well - not that baby needs food liquidised, due to a 'slight' gross skills delay, not a significant one - so, in answer to the OPs request of who I think is right on each point, I gave my opinions.

I imagine there are health reasons why you have to blend and puree stuff as no one would choose to do that as it's royal PITA, so can't the in-laws understand that? I wasn't spoon-feeding DD at all by then and I never blended stuff, but she didn't have health issues.

Personally, one of the good things about visiting my parents is not having to cook but then I don't have a DC with food issues. If I did, my parents would be happy to let us do whatever we needed to do to feed her.

But, gently, are parents perhaps making a bit of a meal (no pun intended) out of it all and blowing it up into something bigger than it needs to be? Is there any reason to think their child will go hungry or starve? What's the issue with their child being exposed to different foods and ways of eating in different places? Spicy sausage might be unreasonable, it might not. It depends how spicy it is! I make spicy sausage for us but it isn't massively spicy and DD has always eaten it happily. Sometimes the best way of exposing children to new foods and experiences is for them to see other people doing it, after all. Can't you just take some back-up food that just needs reheated if needed and just let them crack on with what's served?

Both are right. Both are wrong
Just meet in the middle and grow up a bit

Feed your child how the doctor told you to feed them and tell everyone to keep their opinions to themself. "Yeah well this is what the doctor told me to do."
I would however, take packaged purees to feed instead of faffing about in someone else's kitchen.

In relation to liquidising, dc really loved it and ate it quickly. Food with bits in more problematic and unpredictable. Slow gross motor skill development goes hand in hand with swallowing problems.

IL’s are unreasonable, but I can’t think why you wouldn’t let D.C. try spicy sausages. Lots of small children love strong flavours.