Staying with family with 13 month old, who is right?

[spicysausages]

Debating this with a family member.

ILs invite you to stay for a week with 13 month old. 13 month old has a huge appetite and has slight delay with gross motor skills and the medical advice is to make sure the 13 month old eats well (amongst other things). Parent of 13 month old says to ILs that she is happy to cook for 13 month old as she knows what they like and it is important that they eat well.

Problem 1: ILs think that children of guests should be fed by hosts, that it is rude to dictate what your 13 month old eats and rude to not just eat whatever hosts provide and they are quite cross about the idea of adult guest eating with them, happily, but cooking separately for dc. Use of kitchen is not a problem, it is a question of principle not practicalities

Problem 2: ILs have bought spicy sausages and 13 month old has not yet ever eaten chilli or paprika, ILs think that spicy sausages are appropriate, parent does not

Problem 3: Parent of 13 month old tends to cook up stews and then liquidise and to feed this to 13 month old along with finger food. ILs think that any spoon feeding at all at 13months is tantamount to emotional abuse because it is treating the 13 month as younger developmentally than they are, and that the bit about slow gross motor skills is nonsense, a 13 month old will feed themselves enough with finger food

Who do you think is right for each of the problems?!

Why do you have to cook fresh meals for the baby? Can you not bring easy snacks, pre-portioned frozen meals, non-perishables, or even pouches? It’s a few days so it shouldn’t be hard to take things with you that don’t require much cooking.

I don't know what host in their right mind would refuse to even take any input on how and what a baby/child eats. That is for their parents to choose, and even moreso if the child has additional needs.

Whenever we visit anyone with our toddler they tend to ask what they can get in for her, plus we bring plenty of our own stuff like her favourite snacks, cereal it's not worth their buying a box of. Absurd to refuse to accommodate this. YANBU, OP.

Horrendous. Parent of child says what child eats and when.

I think in laws have a point, you should be able to provide what you want but there is no need to restrict children to not having spicy foods. Additionally blending up food for a 13 month old is doing them a disservice.

How are they supposed to practice and develop if you are spoon feeding them - I think Solid Starts would be a really important resource for you. They have qualified paediatricians that specialise in feeding. This video shows how important it is for babies to eat resistant foods to help them discover their mouths - www.instagram.com/reel/CUvI3pGloIX/?utm_medium=copy_link

The in laws have had their turn at being parents. Whether they agree or not it is up to the child's parents to parent now!

[quote elbea]I think in laws have a point, you should be able to provide what you want but there is no need to restrict children to not having spicy foods. Additionally blending up food for a 13 month old is doing them a disservice.

How are they supposed to practice and develop if you are spoon feeding them - I think Solid Starts would be a really important resource for you. They have qualified paediatricians that specialise in feeding. This video shows how important it is for babies to eat resistant foods to help them discover their mouths - www.instagram.com/reel/CUvI3pGloIX/?utm_medium=copy_link[/quote]
have you read the OP's original and subsequent posts? This is not a typical child.

But surely the sausages were served with something, not on their own and not every day. What about the other meals? If I were the IL I’d be a bit annoyed if I had prepared a meal with potatoes and vegetables or rice and vegetables only for the parent of the child to make a separate meal of…potatoes and vegetables or rice and vegetables. That would offend me somewhat.

I’m guessing this child is a PFB.

Regarding the comments the ILs made about grapes, there was a time when people didn’t cut up grapes for children. I was born in the early 70s. Things were different then. We rode around in cars with no seat belts. Obviously times have changed but the ILs raised one of the parents of the baby’s parents and seemed to have done a good job.

One day you will be the IL with your child bringing their child to visit you. By then there may be different advice to what is common now. How would you then feel if you are being told by someone a lot younger than you with less experience in parenting that the way you did things was wrong?

OP - the ILs were being unreasonable. I went to stay with my parents with DS when he was 12 months old and I looked after DS food. If mum made something suitable he would have some but majority of time I just looked after the two of us. DS is lactose intolerant and I couldn't just leave the food for to other people because they simply didn't understand why it was an issue, how a small amount of butter for eg could cause issues, how many foods have hidden lactose etc. I also don't get why you would be expected to give a child chilli sausages when they've not had them before, especially because of allergic reactions etc.

I can't imagine trying to tell my dil what she should feed my dgc, I just wouldn't do it.

As for advice changing well it changed between having my ds1 and ds2 so I wouldn't have had any issue if it had changed again by the time the gc came a long.

When we visited my in laws with our toddler daughter recently, my MIL offered us full access to the kitchen at any point and to buy any ingredients we needed, if we wanted to cook separately for her. As it happens there was no need, but that’s what a good host does. Also, we don’t give her sausages either - not because of spiciness, but because we want to avoid processed meat at her age.

@FakingMemories

But surely the sausages were served with something, not on their own and not every day. What about the other meals? If I were the IL I’d be a bit annoyed if I had prepared a meal with potatoes and vegetables or rice and vegetables only for the parent of the child to make a separate meal of…potatoes and vegetables or rice and vegetables. That would offend me somewhat.

I’m guessing this child is a PFB.

Regarding the comments the ILs made about grapes, there was a time when people didn’t cut up grapes for children. I was born in the early 70s. Things were different then. We rode around in cars with no seat belts. Obviously times have changed but the ILs raised one of the parents of the baby’s parents and seemed to have done a good job.

One day you will be the IL with your child bringing their child to visit you. By then there may be different advice to what is common now. How would you then feel if you are being told by someone a lot younger than you with less experience in parenting that the way you did things was wrong?

I find this a very defensive post. So what if the DIL is younger and has had different experiences?!? I’m senior in my role at work but many times younger, less experienced colleagues have given great suggestions or brought new knowledge. I don’t just ignore what it best for our service users because it has come from someone younger and less experienced!

@FakingMemories

But surely the sausages were served with something, not on their own and not every day. What about the other meals? If I were the IL I’d be a bit annoyed if I had prepared a meal with potatoes and vegetables or rice and vegetables only for the parent of the child to make a separate meal of…potatoes and vegetables or rice and vegetables. That would offend me somewhat.

I’m guessing this child is a PFB.

Regarding the comments the ILs made about grapes, there was a time when people didn’t cut up grapes for children. I was born in the early 70s. Things were different then. We rode around in cars with no seat belts. Obviously times have changed but the ILs raised one of the parents of the baby’s parents and seemed to have done a good job.

One day you will be the IL with your child bringing their child to visit you. By then there may be different advice to what is common now. How would you then feel if you are being told by someone a lot younger than you with less experience in parenting that the way you did things was wrong?

We all know medical advice changes from time to time. There shouldn’t be offence taken. No one seems to be telling the in laws what they did is wrong- they seem to be criticising what others are doing.

Medical advice in my mums day was two baby aspirin and a bottle of oveltine (sp) before bed put baby in the cot turn out the light close the door and turn the TV up

In my day oveltine and horlicks was not allowed to be given gripe water had no alcohol in it (they gave it as well as the baby aspirin sometimes before bed) and my kids were given gaviscon for the reflux thst was stopping them sleeping

Times change people should adapt

I would have thought that it would be very easy to find a compromise that would work for both parties.

question of principle

I grew up in a family like that. My DF was scornful that anyone would go so far as to insist on having a vegetarian meal when it was a wedding.

Sigh. Eye roll.

Just don't visit until you can meet their requirements. Their loss.

Family life works so much better when everything is planned around the needs of the neediest. For a while that was the DGC, then the DGP. Everyone enjoys get together a so much more when everyone's basic needs are taken into consideration

@MysteriousMonkey I dont see their behaviour as wanting to be a parent, rather they want to be grandparents. It's quite normal for grandparents to provide food for their children and grandchildren.

The grandparents should let the parents feed the baby what they want to, and offer what they've cooked as a supplement - the baby might like it. While at the grandparents the baby should have it's first taste of spicy sausage. It's no big deal.

I hear you, I had 2 that were developmentally slower and people just didn't understand why we had to give purée food for so long but the choking hazard was just too high. Your child, your rules or you don't visit end of xxx

How rude they are OP.

I might privately disagree how someone is feeding their 1 year old. But would I insist they change and lay down the law on how to do it?

God no.

Can't believe some people.

I think that you are right about adapting the food to your child's special needs, and that they are wrong to complain about this.

Having said this, perhaps you could have brought up the issues - and explained that they were medically required - before going to stay with the ILs. Assuming that you have not done so, that might have led to them assuming that you are criticizing/objecting to their food in particular, rather than accommodating your child's needs. Or if they expressed a negative reaction in advance, you could have chosen not to bring your child to stay with them, and avoided the problem. At 13 months, he is too young to feel attacked in his own right; but as he gets older, if he still has some special medical needs, it will be important to protect him as much as possible from other people's harshness.

*Regarding the comments the ILs made about grapes, there was a time when people didn’t cut up grapes for children. I was born in the early 70s. Things were different then. We rode around in cars with no seat belts. Obviously times have changed but the ILs raised one of the parents of the baby’s parents and seemed to have done a good job.

One day you will be the IL with your child bringing their child to visit you. By then there may be different advice to what is common now. How would you then feel if you are being told by someone a lot younger than you with less experience in parenting that the way you did things was wrong?*

Considering OP’s child has special needs involving food, I as a grandparent would do this amazing thing called LISTENING and not get so defensive or feel it as a slight.

You sound like my mother and mil who I nodded at and smiled while having to say “I will give that a go if my way doesn’t work. If they were annoyed about it, I didn’t care because it was my child, and they see them a handful of times a year in person

My mother raised two, my mil three while I was a childcare provider, working for different families from different religions, cultures and diets from ages 1-8 and had more recent experiences before becoming a parent compared to theirs over 25+ years ago.

Just because people survived doesn’t mean their ways were just as good. I’d also point out taking into consideration the many that didn’t which made previous advice change and would you risk it with your own grandchild? If so, then obviously your pride matters more than your grandchild’s safety.

Hmmmmm

In laws probably shouldn’t take up the battle but the parents sound a bit PFB

What’s wrong with paprika?! It’s good for you

It doesn't really matter who is technically right on each of these points - it's your baby so your rules.

My ILs are amazing at making meals we can all eat together and including DC. My own DPs expect us to prepare DC's food at theirs and don't eat any meals with DC, which I find exhausting. I long for them to prepare DC food when we go to stay so we don't end up having five mealtimes a day.

Most of what I would have said had been covered but I will add this; Parent of 13 month old says to ILs that she is happy to cook for 13 month old as she knows what they like and it is important that they eat well. It is important for all children to eat well so I'm unsure why this would need to be said to another parent? Like they wouldn't feed their children/grandchildren properly (re chilli and paprika, absolutely fine for a 1yo. My son aged 10mo at the time took part of a sandwich off my plate which had raw chilli in, he loves it and still does).
Anecdotally, in my experience, all but one 1yo I have met (and it's a big number!) Have eaten or at least would try everything at that age. There may be a few foods they don't like, but it is usually too young for real fussiness to have set in. I'm well aware all the parents of the 1yos who would only eat kale or whatever will try "prove me wrong" it whatever but as I said, my opinion is just that, and it is based on anecdotal rather than scirntific evidence.