Staying with family with 13 month old, who is right?

[spicysausages]

Debating this with a family member.

ILs invite you to stay for a week with 13 month old. 13 month old has a huge appetite and has slight delay with gross motor skills and the medical advice is to make sure the 13 month old eats well (amongst other things). Parent of 13 month old says to ILs that she is happy to cook for 13 month old as she knows what they like and it is important that they eat well.

Problem 1: ILs think that children of guests should be fed by hosts, that it is rude to dictate what your 13 month old eats and rude to not just eat whatever hosts provide and they are quite cross about the idea of adult guest eating with them, happily, but cooking separately for dc. Use of kitchen is not a problem, it is a question of principle not practicalities

Problem 2: ILs have bought spicy sausages and 13 month old has not yet ever eaten chilli or paprika, ILs think that spicy sausages are appropriate, parent does not

Problem 3: Parent of 13 month old tends to cook up stews and then liquidise and to feed this to 13 month old along with finger food. ILs think that any spoon feeding at all at 13months is tantamount to emotional abuse because it is treating the 13 month as younger developmentally than they are, and that the bit about slow gross motor skills is nonsense, a 13 month old will feed themselves enough with finger food

Who do you think is right for each of the problems?!

In laws are unreasonable but parents sound precious. Spiced sausages are fine. Feed 1 year old some pouches/ready made mush at their normal meal times and then let them sit and eat and join in with the family when the in laws cook.

I think the hosts should let the mum get on with feeding their child how the mum wants; unless their opinion is asked then no need to ask anything. Also don’t see an issue with a mum cooking for 13 month old; it’s not causing them any issues so why make it a problem

Really surprised at some of these responses. If I had a grandchild, I'd want my DIL to do whatever she felt best to make sure the child. was happy and well fed. It makes absolutely no difference whatsoever to In laws.

@spicysausages

This is about a past trip. I think the problem was dc's motor skills and physical energy really were poor, a paediatrician had shown a fair bit of concern about floppy muscles, and dc's appetite was huge, they are very tall for age and lose weight quickly, and they just wouldn't have been able to cope without sufficient food.

With enough food dc are lovely and energetic and hardly cry, without sufficient food a lot of crying and difficulties with sleep. Keeping with what was known and working seemed the most sensible thing and I couldn't really understand why it would be such an issue for hosts after all this had been explained.

Does that affect answers? Just curious really.

I think you speak for all DC there with the enough food!

Hosts should host so they should back off but blending at over a year does seem strange. I didn't get from the post there was any SEN at all just maybe hypermobility or something.

@TabithaTiger

Really surprised at some of these responses. If I had a grandchild, I'd want my DIL to do whatever she felt best to make sure the child. was happy and well fed. It makes absolutely no difference whatsoever to In laws.

Thank you! I am slightly surprised at some of the answers too, I just cannot imagine being bothered by what a mother fed their 13 month old at my house! In fact, I'd prefer a guest to cater for their 13 month old.

I wouldnt stay. What type of family member doesnt let you feed your baby (13 months is still a baby( how they need to be fed. Its hard enough as a parent getting them to eat without ignorant and controlling inlaws forcing spicy sausages into the mix. I have been trying to get my kids to eat spicy food for years and they will not eat it.

In relation to spicy sausages, it is a long story but basically 13 month old trying spicy sausages would not be a problem, the problem was that it was proposed as being a casserole and the only dinner to be made available, other than other bits and pieces I cobbled together, and I said that I wasn't sure it was a good idea. DC trying new foods is fine, but a bit risky as the entire meal.

I absolutely think in-laws were BU. But I also think that you're perhaps making life more difficult than it needs to be. At 13 months old, even with some gross motor issues, blending and pureeing food and not even letting them try stuff that other people have cooked just seems unnecessary and like you're holding them back a bit. It sounds like harder work than it needs to be, I suppose. I think most kids get hangry, DD certainly has a big appetite, but allowing them to feed themselves wherever possible is important, IMO, for teaching healthy eating habits.

I’d think parents and medical staff knew best and make my kitchen available to parents as they saw fit! I’m hosting family guests, not being asked to take on full time care.

I wouldn't let anyone tell me when, how or what to feed my kids.
Then again none of my family, in laws included would have been rude enough to do so. Advice was always welcomed though.
Same applies now with my children and grand children.
I may give advice if asked but they are the parents now and not mine nor anyone else's place to insist on which type of food or feeding.

and not even letting them try stuff that other people have cooked just seems unnecessary and like you're holding them back a bit no, no, as I said dc were sitting with family and eating finger foods and whatever was offered to them by whomever, the blended food was on top of that, to make sure they were getting enough food, and only because they really love blended food.

Bit of both here. But I'm bordering on the il's side. At 13 months unless health reasons they can eat normal food, no need to liquidise and mine certainly ate chilli, curry etc from about 10 months. One of mine had significant delays too. It's good for youngsters to eat with the adults too

I wouldn't stay somewhere where I couldn't fully cater to my toddlers needs, but at the same time I would encourage my child to eat the food provided first, as we do at home anyway.

Same inlaws complained that a parent of a 3 year old was cutting up grapes for them, telling them grapes were not a chocking issue, only peanuts were, so I do think ILs are slightly U generally.

Your in laws are unreasonable , they should let you do whatever you need to to keep DC fed and happy. As DC's grandparents I'm surprised they can't see that, they sound controlling. Don't go or book an airbnb to stay in instead.

@spicysausages

The grapes thing is a bit generational, I didn't cut them up by 3, nor did nursery - my kids are now young adults. I've seen 6 , 7 year olds with cut up grapes, bit ridiculous, you have to teach them to bite into them, where do you draw the line?

Also just in case relevant, dc was right at the edge of milestones in terms of gross motor skills. They only started to hold head up alone at 5.5 months for example. No other SNs, just to do with muscle strength.

This is how it would go in my house. X likes y food, do you mind if I prepare some food for them separately? No, of course not, go ahead.

And it wouldn't matter what age X was.

I am surprised at the responses too. I'd hate to stay somewhere with family where I felt so judged! My toddler is so fussy, but he still needs to eat. It would be rude if you had asked them to cook separate meals but you're cooking them yourself, and the child is only 13 months old, practically a baby.

I’m also surprised at some of these responses. Your request to feed your baby food they’re used to is not unreasonable. Their concern should have been making you welcome and comfortable - I’d not go again!! My kids were fussy babies and I used to take frozen meals for them with me when we stayed places and just heat up in the microwave - no hassle for anyone.

IL’s being totally unreasonable. It’s your child and you decide how to feed them. Nothing to do with them! I would not stay somewhere I was made to feel like that.

Both sides a bit unreasonable really.

I've never insisted on cooking separately for my DD when staying with family, though I've offered to and tend to do her breakfast/ sometimes lunch if it's easier depending on what else is happening that day. I wouldn't offer to cook their own dinner though if we were going to be eating dinner together - my family are mostly foodies and into cooking/ hosting so I can see they'd find that a bit odd. Having said that everyone who has cooked for us/dd so far has been really concerned to find out what she might like, what she can/ can't have and offered alternatives/ extras even when I've said its fine she pretty much has the same as us.

So I can see why the in laws preferred to cook for everyone (though if it were me and a new parent wanted to do it themselves I'd let them crack on) but also think it's weird they're so insistent on the dc eating something their parent doesn't think is suitable.

At home I'm careful about salt content, sugar, making sure its balanced etc but I tend to let that slide a bit if we are away especially if someone else is cooking.

I'm surprised the DC hasn't had any spices or paprika by 13 months and don't think that combined with the liquidising will be doing them any flavours in terms of getting them to eat a wide variety of foods down the line,and think if the child is having finger foods as well as the liquidised stuff they are clearly capable of eating food that isn't in liquid form. Liquidised/ blended stews etc make me feel quite sick though just the idea of them and I wouldn't want to eat them so wouldn't feed them to my DC, but then she took to weaning really well and didn't need that so we were lucky there and I recognise it's a parenting choice and if you think it suits your child best then you know best. Again, if you were in my house I'd let you crack on without comment but I'd privately probably think it was a bit daft unless your child couldn't eat food any other way.

1. I think it's rude to ask if you can prepare something completely different for your child. Recipes can be adapted to work for children of any age. I think providing your own microwave meal would be more acceptable than you cooking from scratch in their kitchen.

2. Spicy sausage may not be appropriate for a 13 month old, depending on it's firmness and heat, if the child has never eaten spicy foods before. It may also be absolutely fine. Only you know this.

3. A 13 months old doesn't need anything blended. Mashed, yes, but blending food isn't giving them the opportunity to develop the muscles needed for chewing and speaking. Of course their gross motor skills will be delayed if they're not given the opportunity to use them.

No random relative without medical degree will be dictating or even having opinions about when and what I will feed my 13-month old baby.

And yes my DC2 was like some described on this thread who would eat anything. On the other hand, if 13 month old DC1 would have been given only spicy fingerfood, he would have starved. Kids are different and just because one was chomping down wasabi-covered spare ribs does not mean all of them can or should do it.

@MLMshouldbeillegal

Why are you blending food for a child who is over a year old?

I assume this is related to the delayed motor skill development mentioned?