Staying with family with 13 month old, who is right?

[spicysausages]

Debating this with a family member.

ILs invite you to stay for a week with 13 month old. 13 month old has a huge appetite and has slight delay with gross motor skills and the medical advice is to make sure the 13 month old eats well (amongst other things). Parent of 13 month old says to ILs that she is happy to cook for 13 month old as she knows what they like and it is important that they eat well.

Problem 1: ILs think that children of guests should be fed by hosts, that it is rude to dictate what your 13 month old eats and rude to not just eat whatever hosts provide and they are quite cross about the idea of adult guest eating with them, happily, but cooking separately for dc. Use of kitchen is not a problem, it is a question of principle not practicalities

Problem 2: ILs have bought spicy sausages and 13 month old has not yet ever eaten chilli or paprika, ILs think that spicy sausages are appropriate, parent does not

Problem 3: Parent of 13 month old tends to cook up stews and then liquidise and to feed this to 13 month old along with finger food. ILs think that any spoon feeding at all at 13months is tantamount to emotional abuse because it is treating the 13 month as younger developmentally than they are, and that the bit about slow gross motor skills is nonsense, a 13 month old will feed themselves enough with finger food

Who do you think is right for each of the problems?!

Parent seems abit ott tbh. Who liquidises food for a year old child. Parent needs to be abit more relaxed. Are you parent or in-laws?

13 month old has a huge appetite and has slight delay with gross motor skills and the medical advice is to make sure the 13 month old eats well (amongst other things)

Just repeating this from the OP's first post as so many experts in toddler feeding apparently can't read.

This thread saddens me so much and just highlights the lack of understanding so many people have regarding special needs.

OP, your in-laws are very much in the wrong. You need to be supported to feed your baby in the way he needs and the way you have been advised to feed him. Otherwise, just don't go and stay with them.

1. Bit of both - fine to supplement what is being offered, rude to turn it down point blank.

1. Why has a 1yo never had anything spicy? I think that's a bit ridiculous.

1. Liquidising food is a bit much at any age really. Is their gross motor delay meaning they've less control than a 6 month old?

medical advice is to make sure the 13 month old eats well

This trumps any ideas about manners tbh.

I think the IL would be generally right about all three points for an older neurotypical child with no medical needs, provided they make an effort to find out and cook mostly food the child is likely to enjoy and doesn't deliberately pick food the child particularly hates (which would be a standard part of good hosting for all guests tbh).

@Grimbelina

This thread saddens me so much and just highlights the lack of understanding so many people have regarding special needs.

OP, your in-laws are very much in the wrong. You need to be supported to feed your baby in the way he needs and the way you have been advised to feed him. Otherwise, just don't go and stay with them.

"slight delay" and "make sure they eat well" are hardly evidence that the child needs a rigourous feeding schedule and specialist food.

My ILs see everyone as guests, my MIL was an incredible cook. At no stage did she dictate what I fed my children. She was incredibly accommodating, Ds2 was under a paediatrician and she made sure that he had food available that he could and would eat. She even cooked separate things for the children, she would rather see them fed and full.

RacketeerRalph I had to liquidise food for a child at a year, a child who went on to be diagnosed with SEN 8 years later. I now know many, many parents who have been in this position too. Before I had this experience I may well have thought like you (and been as unhelpful and intolerant).

I can't imagine having guests and not checking what they liked/wanted. If someone came with complex allergies I would be "would you prefer to bring your own or I can buy in xyz - how can we make this work" same with babies and children, what do they like?

MIL still asks what we would like and we usually say chicken and chips (homemade) with veggi sausages for the non-meat eaters. It's straightforward and such a great.

Just bizarre to be offended that someone visiting may have dietary requirements. With baby food I'd probably offer to bring some pre made that was frozen.

I don't understand the principle of refusing to feed the child food he will eat. Just sounds mean and unkind.

If I was the IL, I wouldn't feel it my place to try to overrule how the parents care for their child in this situation. Even if I did have an opinion on it, I would keep it to myself.

So regardless of who I agree with (which I feel is what most replies are focusing on), the IL are unreasonable for pushing their views as if they are more important than the OP's.

Let him try the ILs food, but make sure DH preps and freezes some alternative food before you go off to stay with his parents.

@BumbledBee

If I was the IL, I wouldn't feel it my place to try to overrule how the parents care for their child in this situation. Even if I did have an opinion on it, I would keep it to myself.

So regardless of who I agree with (which I feel is what most replies are focusing on), the IL are unreasonable for pushing their views as if they are more important than the OP's.

Yes I thought this...its not a question of whether MN agrees with what the OP does for her child. the question is "given that the child needs this special attention to his diet, is it reasonable for the Il's to object?"

I think the visit sounds stressful before youve even arrived

Hi op they need to put the baby first. My dad is 2 and has gross motor issues she can’t eat solids easily and is still on formula 3 x a day to make sure she eats enough. She eats very slowly and only mushy stuff so they do need to eat quite a lot. Also growth is an issue as she is huge for her age and dpgrowing rapidly. BM skills have definitely not caught up with her physical growth. When you have a baby that is under paediatric care they need to put their fantasy dinner to bed and just support you. Who cares about the spicy sausages tell them to shove them where the sun doesn’t shine. In your head of course🍷

Dd not dad
Gm skills not BM
Bloody hell

The parents are right in every situation, it's their child and the ILs need to wind their neck again and let the parents parent their child

Hmm I would have given a few ground rules/preferred foods ahead of time. You could subtly fill child up with snacks between meals if they won't eat the meals - take oatcakes, fruit, carrots etc.

But then, the idea of staying with ILs for a week makes me want to weep!

It’s probably a bit rude to expect full access to someone kitchen to cook entire meals.

But it isn't just any randomer, it's family. That they are staying with. For a week.
I can't imagine standing on ceremony like that and being made to feel like a "guest" rather than family in your IL's. Thankfully that isn't my experience of IL's.

Tricky one, I think IL’s should have provided appropriate food for the 13 month old by discussing it with the parents first, if they refused to provide appropriate food then of course the parents should be able to cook something for the child.

I don’t think a 13 month old should be having puréed food though. I did feed Dd1 puréed food many moons ago but didn’t at all with my 2nd, my 2nd is way less fussy. Dd1 had issues with motor skills but so did dd2, both have dyspraxia and low muscle tone.

Sounds like your ILs have the same belief as my late DMum - food=love. Rejecting food = rejecting love.
Plus 'our house our rules, and we raised a DC so what can you possibly tell us? We know what we are doing!'
But they need to get on board with the medical advice.
Really, showing love to their family would be them allowing you to do what you need to, and assisting if they can.
Sounds like this was a difficult visit for you. Are you going again?

@lottiegarbanzo

I don't understand the principle of refusing to feed the child food he will eat. Just sounds mean and unkind.

To me it sound like the IL's through that the child was just fussy and the mother over indulgent (never an issue with the fathers parenting) and that a week of no nonsense he what you are given will "fix" the child. I hope I'm wrong, because even if there were no medical issues that's just mean.

A good host accommodates their guests, even when they may not understand the requests. This is particularly important with food and children.

A good grandparent should support the parents of their grandchildren as long as no abuse is taking place. Even if they would do things differently. It’s not their call.

The parents are right, regardless of the situation (short of abuse or neglect, obviously, before someone makes that point). It really doesn't matter who's opinion anyone thinks is right or wrong - parents decide what's best for their baby. If in laws are too rigid to accommodate that they can't expect visitors.

Just give the food offered, and make sure to have your own banana and decent yogurt (not a crappy child one) for 'dessert'.