Staying with family with 13 month old, who is right?

[spicysausages]

Debating this with a family member.

ILs invite you to stay for a week with 13 month old. 13 month old has a huge appetite and has slight delay with gross motor skills and the medical advice is to make sure the 13 month old eats well (amongst other things). Parent of 13 month old says to ILs that she is happy to cook for 13 month old as she knows what they like and it is important that they eat well.

Problem 1: ILs think that children of guests should be fed by hosts, that it is rude to dictate what your 13 month old eats and rude to not just eat whatever hosts provide and they are quite cross about the idea of adult guest eating with them, happily, but cooking separately for dc. Use of kitchen is not a problem, it is a question of principle not practicalities

Problem 2: ILs have bought spicy sausages and 13 month old has not yet ever eaten chilli or paprika, ILs think that spicy sausages are appropriate, parent does not

Problem 3: Parent of 13 month old tends to cook up stews and then liquidise and to feed this to 13 month old along with finger food. ILs think that any spoon feeding at all at 13months is tantamount to emotional abuse because it is treating the 13 month as younger developmentally than they are, and that the bit about slow gross motor skills is nonsense, a 13 month old will feed themselves enough with finger food

Who do you think is right for each of the problems?!

It's never been an issue at my parents or ILs to make my DC separate food, they offer to do it or help.
I wouldn't like it either Op and think ILs are being unreasonable on that part.

Unless dr has said blend his food, his motor skills will develop when trying to eat himself.
I would give him a spoon at the same time and encourage the use of it.

@spicysausages

Same inlaws complained that a parent of a 3 year old was cutting up grapes for them, telling them grapes were not a chocking issue, only peanuts were, so I do think ILs are slightly U generally.

Or just uneducated? When we were having baby no.1 the hospital offered antenatal classes and a grandparents evening where grandparents were given loads of information (the same as us really) about what is and isn't safe and it was obviously very different to the advice they were given 30 years ago

I think it's rude to dictate what someone staying with you has to eat.

Essentially I don't understand why anyone would want to dictate to you how to feed your child while in their home; when I have guests I want them to feel comfortable and secure, and free to do their own thing. Me enforcing my opinions on them isn't high on my priority list. Therefore imo YANBU.

@KatharinaRosalie

No random relative without medical degree will be dictating or even having opinions about when and what I will feed my 13-month old baby.

And yes my DC2 was like some described on this thread who would eat anything. On the other hand, if 13 month old DC1 would have been given only spicy fingerfood, he would have starved. Kids are different and just because one was chomping down wasabi-covered spare ribs does not mean all of them can or should do it.

I agree!

I always just used to take toddler meals to parents. They eat with us whatever parents with made then after would spoon feed pasta toddler meal and a yogurt

Dear me. I think the in laws sound absolutely deranged. It’s none of their business how the 13 month old is fed.

ILs are completely in the wrong.

No guest (adult or child) should be forced to eat food they don't want to eat or prevented from catering appropriately for themselves or their child (so long as they clean up after themselves).

I don't ever make food an issue myself and I would not stay somewhere where it is considered OK to make people feel uncomfortable about food. It doesn't matter if they think you're precious and fussy, it's just not on. Terrible, domineering behaviour from ILs.

People should respect the wishes of parents when it comes to their children.

I would not let my in laws (or anyone) dictate how I feed my child. You are the parent and you know what works.

Of course nobody should be micro managing what you feed /how you feed your own dc..
Hopefully you don't ever have to stay there again.

1. I think YABU. Unless a dish is particularly high in salt, then I don't understand why they can't eat regular family meals. Then top up with easy food they'll like only if necessary. But they won't get used to family meals if they aren't offered.

2. YABU. I really don't understand why some parents are so insistent on avoiding spice and flavour, and then dint understand why their child doesnt like spicy food when thet are older. Mine have eaten spices food like mexican food,curries etc from 6m.

3. I'm really not sure the puréed food is doing your child any favours. And if you really feel it is needed, then I'd move to a thicker texture and use as a top up only.

I wouldn't be offended if parents of a visiting 13m old were to make their child food, but I would find it a bit odd, and think they were being a bit silly tbh.

All these answers are helpful, thank you. I found IL's attitude to be really difficult to understand, and this has all given insight, I doubt we'd ever see eye to eye over it, but this will help me think of ways to avoid it becoming an issue in the first place, so thank you everyone.

This is why grapes are cut up

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/heartbreaking-picture-little-boy-who-10706412.amp

It was a 'thing' when I had my first 27 years ago so it's not new...

Surely it's better to be safe

@gogohm

My DD is a year, when we stay with my parents... my mum will ask me what meals my DD will eat so I will suggest like Spag Bol, Roast Dinner etc so we all eat the same still but more "todler friendly" along with this she'd go out and buy food she knows she likes like yoghurts etc

I'm not sure why the ILs made such an issue out of what the child ate especially as it wasn't impacting or creating extra work for them and as there was a medical reason for this.

I wouldn’t stay for a week anywhere where people had so many comments on my life!!

It would drive me up the wall.

It would be no more than a weekend I could stay.

(I don’t like people to interfere in my business if it’s not obvious).

It’s probably a bit rude to expect full access to someone kitchen to cook entire meals. Probably better to take some chilled pre prepared food/ pouches/ easy items such as eggs. I can understand you’re probably a bit worried about your child and that is translating to wanting to strictly control what they eat. Personally I’d let them try IL food (take a hand blender if essential) and have a back up on hand. Kids often like things that you wouldn’t expect

Parents are right. It has nothing to do with the in laws. These parents are trying to their best for their child, it's not like the are neglecting their LO. Why don't the ILs keep their opinions to themselves FFS

I don’t think it’s your in-laws place to have an issue with you cooking for your child if that’s what would make you feel comfortable.

As a parent visiting though I probably would have said nothing and brought some back up options just in case. No harm letting your toddler try what’s being offered, they could surprise you and like the food.

I just can’t imagine questioning a parents choices in that way. If someone was coming to my house that I cared about I would
Offer to purchase specifically what they needed for their child on my weekly shop, and tell them we’ll do whatever makes it easiest for them. That what being a good host is.. making people feel at home.

If you know what works for your child, its not up to others to expect you to make changes and especially not if you are visiting out of your home. I think if it was me I would have made this clear ti il's before agreeing to visit.

I have a child with motor delays, still very dyspraxic and at 13 months couldn't swallow, or manipulate in mouth any thing more than mashed food. I used to freeze it in little containers to take with me if going anywhere, though a week is getting tricky to take enough.
My family didn't interfere though as it was pretty obvious he had motor problems and they had enough sense to understand that also meant oral motor problems.

I think you should feed your toddler what you like. That said, my daughter has always liked spicy sausage like chorizo and others, and also pickled onions and such. If you don´t let him try them he won´t get used to them. I also have a sneaky feeling you are making things harder than they need to be. Take frozen meals and heat them up in the microwave. I personally wouldn't stay with them but at some nearby place where I wouldn´t feel so judged.

I'd also say, make the most of this golden time in your child's life where they are often more willing to try new foods.

Give it a year, and its a lot harder to introduce new foods, so getting your child used to a good variety of foods, flavours, spices, textures etc now may save you a lot of struggle in the future.

At 13m, its great when they are offered something new!

Yanbu. My now 13 year old had similar issues at your baby's age and was later diagnosed with ehlers danlos syndrome. Inlaws should be supporting you to follow medical advice not kicking up a fuss.