To be thinking about ending things because of my husband working from home?

[Opentoskychange]

I used to come on here a lot but signed up again. Been married to DH for twelve years, have two children aged 3 and nearly 1.

DH had to work from home in March 2020. It was challenging, as our eldest (2 at the time) knew he was there and would constantly want to run in and out, showing things to Daddy, not really understanding that he wasn't available. It was pretty stressful. When I had our second, it was just at the start of the second lockdown and DH was still at home. I really found my second maternity leave awful - just a constant stress of keeping children quiet and entertained and not too loud. I found it stressful when the baby cried or when the toddler left a mess everywhere. It was just him being there all the time. His office reopened back in May. However he didn't go back until recently. He's supposed to be back one day a week, I have Mondays and Tuesdays off work. He is supposed to work Monday in the office. But the thing is he often doesn't go or changes the day at the last minute and to be fair to him it is a genuine reason, it's something like someone needing a lift and they work Wednesday or whatever. But it means my two days a week, which are supposed to be for the children, are spent either high stress keeping them quiet and away from him or out and about - which is hard going when the weather's bad.

It also means I don't see much of my family, my mum visited last week but it was awKward as DH was there and she kept apologising for "making a noise" and "disturbing him" and saying "ssh" to me. I can't have any friends over to visit on my days off and I'm feeling increasingly isolated. I'm fed up and constantly stressed.

Increasingly I'm feeling like I dont want this from life but can't work out if it's just the fatigue of lockdowns or not. Any advice?

@Interrobanger I'm not saying you are wrong, just that equally from what the OP has written that she feels an unrealistic weight of expectation that may not be coming from her DH.

But the upshot is there are issues and the OP is unhappy and something has to change, but to identify what has to change the OP needs to be clear with herself and him what exactly is causing the problem.

Because him WFH is not unreasonable. Him using his breaks to spend time with his kids is not unreasonable.
Unless he is a controlling arsehole.

@Itsnotallaboutyoubaby

I don’t think she’s considering leaving because he’s working from home. It’s because he doesn’t listen and doesn’t care about her feelings. Working from home is a red herring

This.

And because he's become a drain on her and doesn't seem to care about that either.

OP, you sound terribly unhappy and your later posts suggest that this is a symptom of a bigger issue.

If you are at the stage of wanting to leave, then make plans to do so. Re-post in relationships for advice and support?

Rather than stressing yourself out unbearably, just let the children treat their home as their home from now on and tell him it is totally unreasonable for him to expect your entire house to be run like a workplace full of adults. If he wants that, he needs to find a quiet place to work such as his actual office. Some houses and some jobs are not ideal for WFH and his is clearly one of them.

If you ask him to remain in his home office while working as wandering around the house is disrupting your children and making your life miserable, what does he say? It sounds so easy to resolve and madness to divorce over it. But is he just ignoring you? If so I think your only option is to just get on with your life, have people over, let the kids make noise and interact with him. He will soon go back to his home office or the actual office if it's a problem surely?

Just get on with your day at home! If he is disturbed it might encourage him back to the office.

This shouldn't be so difficult. He picks a room for WFH, goes in at 9, and locks the door until 5. He comes out as needed to use the toilet and eat, but that's it. Do the best you can with soundproofing. If that's not enough, then either you'll have to move to place with a better layout, or he can just go back to the office if he wants. So long as he has that option, I don't think you owe it to him to bend over backwards to keep the kids quiet so he can WFH.

1. He needs to stick to a particular place to work, not shift all over the house

1. He needs to go to the office without fail on both of your days off. If someone needs a lift, they move to his day not vice versa.

1. If he does stay at home on your days with the children you make no effort to be quiet or creep around. Act as though he’s not there. He won’t make the effort to go back to the office unless it’s uncomfortable for him.

My dh started working from home march 2020 and now is not expected back into the office (he travels around the UK for meetings but will spend most his time at home) My DS1 was also 2 when lockdown hit. We set the rule that if he's working we treat it like he's at the office. Door shut, DS didn't mind as I kept him busy downstairs but it meant we could still see him at lunch time etc. (Which is even more useful now we have DS2) We've not worried or had any issues with noise as keep doors shut. If he has an external meeting I make the effort to ensure we're not upstairs just incase anyone gets over excited.

Is he working in the same room as you? Can he have a dedicated work space with a closed door?

He obviously doesn't see the issue the way you do or he wouldn't be changing his days at work 'because someone needed a lift on Wednesday'. I think you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you can't manage two kids at home with him wfm two days a week and he needs to be in the office one of them even if Joe Bloggs really would have liked a lift. On the other day you need to go out for at least part of the day, soft play, toddler group, park, anywhere. It would be crazy to LTB over this but at the same time you both have to make changes to make it workable.

I've just read your updates... why can't you do messy play??? If the kids are absorbed in an activity it'll be easier for everyone. A 3 year old should be able to understand daddy is working and will see you at lunch.

I don't mean to sound harsh because I do know how difficult life is with young children, but I do think you're being extremely unreasonable to consider breaking up your marriage and family over this (unless there's a lot of other issues you haven't mentioned)
In a nutshell, you have been inconvenienced due to covid. Show me someone who hasn't!
I don't blame your H at all for grabbing one of the few positives to come out of it and dispensing with going to the office when he can. For a lot of people WFH is life changing in a positive way and it is very unfair to want to take this from someone because of fairly minor nuisance to you.
Keeping your voice down when your mum visits is not on the same level of importance to your family as someone making a living. I have WFH during covid and would have been furious if my DP had moaned about being quiet when his mate visited. It didn't even need mentioning it was so obvious he should. Obviously disturbance from children is different, but I think there are ways it could be made easier, for example him working from one room and not the whole house; but also a firm and consistent approach to your child wanting to disturb him. I'm not saying its easy, but some things just have to be drilled in and not deviated from, like going in the car seat, brushing teeth etc. If you both stay firm it will stick eventually, and it will be just something she isn't allowed to do.
So should you leave, well its up to you, but truly if there are no other issues, i'd think very carefully about whether the challenges of being a single parent would be easier than this.

This weekend he suddenly swung in a different direction and I asked what he was doing "oh I'll go the scenic route." Then the children fell asleep and disturbed bed time. it's seeping everywhere and it's toxic. He isn't the man I married.

I find this maddening at the best of times, when someone suddenly drives in a different direction than you expected, especially if I was quite happy to do the driving and they insisted (such as exh). My mum often did it when we were kids too and it’s so frustrating when you’re dying to be home. I get car sickness very easily so this might be partly why.

In this particular scenario, he caused the unscheduled nap, so he needed to then be solely responsible for bedtime. If you’re driving small children home in the afternoon you get back as quickly as you can!

Is it that you feel your DH controls everything, as in he is the boss so can WFH and everyone else tiptoes around him , then at weekends he dictates what you do and he drives around for ages? If so this is more about his control over you rather than the WFH and noise.

How old is your youngest? I am not dismissing this but wonder if post pregnancy hormones could also be at play here. My mum told me she was depressed when we were little and thought about ending her marriage but she got help (and a career in teaching) and they were happily married for many more years. she just struggled wth the baby blues that they didnt have proper help for in 1965 when I was born.

Does he know you’re considering leaving?

I have WFH during covid and would have been furious if my DP had moaned about being quiet when his mate visited. It didn't even need mentioning it was so obvious he should

I disagree with this tbh, WFH is not the same as working in the office, And you have to understand that the primary function of a home is that - a home. And its primary role needs to be maintained.
So long as the person working from home, stays in one room then whatever is happening in other rooms is irrelevant. Very few work in a silent office without interrupts in work, why would you expect it at home.
I say this as someone who works but from home and the office.

OP, I get it.

You can just sense someone else is in the house, even if they're not physically present. It's inhibiting and makes you feel as if your house isn't your own home.

My XH had a phase of WFH and I would have divorced him sooner, had he not had the good sense to switch to a job which meant he had to leave the house. It was horrendous when he was there - in the eyes of small children, a parent who's physically in the house is a hands-on parent, regardless of however many doors you shut. The appearing for coffee/lunch and asking questions about whatever I'd just started doing with the children used to make me want to strangle him.

It is absolutely not sustainable. I actually think you have little to lose at this point by saying: "You WFH does not work for our family, and we need to change it, because I am starting to feel differently about you." Because if you all carry on as you are, you will end up divorced anyway.

Quite apart from your specific circumstances, it is neither normal nor desirable for couples to be in the same living space 24/7. Relationships remain dynamic and interesting - and you continue to fancy your OH - when you both have a life apart from one another. Even if just so you've got something new to talk about at the end of the day.

Anyone who thinks noise-cancelling headphones or locked doors is the solution has never felt oppressed by the mere presence of someone else in their home.

@Opentoskychange

I really am listening, but I don't think people are understanding that there is nothing enjoyable about being at home when someone is working there.

You are constantly aware of noise. Even if you just crack on anyway, you're aware.

Same with mess.

Someone has a tantrum and he appears to ask about it. Or I say "ds was hard work today" he says "yes I know" and I die a little inside.

Also, it's causing problems elsewhere. He doesn't go anywhere, so weekends he will actually drive around just so we're not in the house. This weekend he suddenly swung in a different direction and I asked what he was doing "oh I'll go the scenic route." Then the children fell asleep and disturbed bed time. it's seeping everywhere and it's toxic. He isn't the man I married.

But I see I jave been decided to be another poster. Thanks Mumsnet.

Oh I get this OP. You’re being suffocated.

His choice to be a homebody is massively overriding your desire for a bit of freedom from him and to do noisy messy activities with your kids and it’s upsetting them too.

Truth is as a couple how can you connect and reconnect if you’ve spent every waking second together that you have a rough idea of when each other took a shite?

It’s not fun.

I’m in a similar but very different situation iyswim and feel much the same and really want to do things without feeling suffocated as I can’t do anything alone for different reasons. It breeds resentment and irritation and as you can imagine I’m a chronic underachiever and it’s killing me a little bit each day. I could be so much more but don’t have much of a choice but the feelings we share are the same.

If your budget allows your DH needs to look at renting office space, hot desks, studio space whatever etc if he doesn’t want to return to the office.

Or he needs to change his routine and stick to one room in the house. It can’t be that difficult to not be a wandering disruption 😬

Or he needs to go back to the office full time.

For yourself you need back up plans and ways to be out the house even if he is in the office. Change of scenery can help immensely.

You need to look at playgroups or what not that allow you to go and do messy noisy activities with your kids.

If your DH really isn’t willing to change and you’ve explicitly said you’re really not happy, and you need to be explicit assume he’s an idiot, then he’s not really giving you much of a choice as it’ll be clear his comfort is far more important that his willingness to accept there’s an issue and adapt so you’re both happy.

If you’re miserable I can’t even fathom he can be happy too with the situation.

He needs to go back to work Mondays and Tuesdays and give you some proper space. I work from home one day per week and my husband generally one day per week. We tend to make sure it’s on different days. Some people might like being in the house together 24 hrs but personally I couldn’t stand it, even if they’re in another room with a packed lunch! We’ve been happily married nearly 30 years and both like our own space.

It sounds quite suffocating for you and highly annoying that he’s ignoring what you’re telling him.

Seconding anyone who has posted that your DH can wear noise-cancelling headphones and can use the audio settings to cancel environmental noise if he's participating in a virtual meeting (works with Zoom).

If he's not happy about tweaking audio settings, he might consider noise -cancelling apps like Krisp AI. More details here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4221685-To-let-my-dog-bark-for-an-extra-half-hour-even-though-the-neighbour-was-already-annoyed?msgid=106577029

Just thinking further, OP. I don't think that taking the children out is a solution. What you need to be able to do with the children is use your house as their home and go out or not go out as you feel inclined. You shouldn't even have to think about going out as a solution to the fact that your husband should not be there working.

I would be sorely tempted to tell him that the reality of WFH is such a problem that he needs to find himself a flat and work from there during the week, and come and the children at the weekends. It would be easier to explain to the children that Daddy works away during the week than it would be to explain to them that they have to be quiet, not bother Daddy even when he randomly wanders around, etc, etc, etc.

At the very least, I would absolutely refuse to go out with him at the weekends. I would say you see quite enough of one another during the week, and that he is very welcome to go off for a long drive or walk or whatever he wants to do preferably one that lasts several weeks but you will be staying at home, because you now feel that your house is an office during the week and you want to spend at least a bit of time in it during which you feel as if it's a home.

Agree with the posters who think there's more going on here. The reality is that OP is not comfortable. It does rather sound like he does his best to be present in a way that works for him - at best because he likes to see the DC doing things, at worst, because he's a controlling ass who wants a say in all activities - and doesn't care about how that plays out for his family.

Today, with offices opening up, those who continue to WFH are supposed to see it as a perk, not a requirement (although I appreciate that some offices are insisting people don't come in at least one or two days a week). But if its inconvenient, then frankly, he should go in more often.

Also, I suspect that his changed days at home ONLY happen on Mondays nd Tuesdays when OP is at home. I'd put money on him happily going into the office on the other days.

8 pages!!! And most posters are still focusing on the practical issues associated with working from home.

Even though there is clearly so much else going on!

But, @Opentoskychange, unless you come back and spell it out, we cannot help you... (Maybe start a new thread?)

Time to stop playing the martyr! It sounds like you're making YOURSELF feel guilty. I'd allow the kids to disturb him at will, and not feel bad about it. Toddlers are too young to understand 'do not disturb' - hopefully he starts to appreciate how unsuitable the situation is.