To be thinking about ending things because of my husband working from home?

[Opentoskychange]

I used to come on here a lot but signed up again. Been married to DH for twelve years, have two children aged 3 and nearly 1.

DH had to work from home in March 2020. It was challenging, as our eldest (2 at the time) knew he was there and would constantly want to run in and out, showing things to Daddy, not really understanding that he wasn't available. It was pretty stressful. When I had our second, it was just at the start of the second lockdown and DH was still at home. I really found my second maternity leave awful - just a constant stress of keeping children quiet and entertained and not too loud. I found it stressful when the baby cried or when the toddler left a mess everywhere. It was just him being there all the time. His office reopened back in May. However he didn't go back until recently. He's supposed to be back one day a week, I have Mondays and Tuesdays off work. He is supposed to work Monday in the office. But the thing is he often doesn't go or changes the day at the last minute and to be fair to him it is a genuine reason, it's something like someone needing a lift and they work Wednesday or whatever. But it means my two days a week, which are supposed to be for the children, are spent either high stress keeping them quiet and away from him or out and about - which is hard going when the weather's bad.

It also means I don't see much of my family, my mum visited last week but it was awKward as DH was there and she kept apologising for "making a noise" and "disturbing him" and saying "ssh" to me. I can't have any friends over to visit on my days off and I'm feeling increasingly isolated. I'm fed up and constantly stressed.

Increasingly I'm feeling like I dont want this from life but can't work out if it's just the fatigue of lockdowns or not. Any advice?

[quote sillysmiles]@Interrobanger but equally the OP hasn't said anything about his reaction to the kids making noise or messy play. It reads as though she is anxious and jumping through hoops, but has not mentioned anywhere (unless I've missed it) that he has reacted negatively to anything.
I'm not saying your wrong, but to me, this all seems to be coming from the OP rather than her DH.[/quote]
I'm reading between the lines. Because unfortunately, experience has taught me that it's necessary to do that.

I will be delighted to be proven wrong. I hope I am wrong. I take no pleasure in the thought that a woman and her young children may be tiptoeing on eggshells, living with a toxic, controlling man.

[quote sillysmiles]@Jasmine11
But if it is causing this much stress that you are thinking of ending your marriage then your DH needs to go and work elsewhere. Does he know you are thinking of this drastic solution?

I agree, but honestly I don't think that his WFH can be causing enough stress to end the marriage, particularly as he doesn't seem to be complaining about anything.[/quote]
His WFH is clearly causing his wife a lot of stress. Just because he’s happy with it doesn’t mean it’s not worthy of being marriage ending if it’s causing the OPthe levels of unhappiness she’s stating.

Well he either goes back to the office full time or he deals with the noise of home life. He can’t take over the house for work then have an issue when life carries on around him, especially if his office is open.

[quote sillysmiles]@Interrobanger but equally the OP hasn't said anything about his reaction to the kids making noise or messy play. It reads as though she is anxious and jumping through hoops, but has not mentioned anywhere (unless I've missed it) that he has reacted negatively to anything.
I'm not saying your wrong, but to me, this all seems to be coming from the OP rather than her DH.[/quote]
Yes, that's how it reads to me too.

The stuff about him coming to see what's going on if a tantrum is happening doesn't seem of itself unreasonable - I can see that many parents would be more upset if the working parent completely ignored them at those times when actually the parent caring for the kids needed a hand.

This sounds like it's becoming much harder work than it needs to be.

Anyone WFH really needs a designated space, especially if there are others in the house at the same time. My employers insist that if you WFH, you are in a room with a door which is not used by other household members at the time, because a lot of information we have is sensitive/ personal. So you can work from your kitchen if you're home alone 9-5, if you're not, then you need a bedroom or other room to work from.

That said, you say he has an office, so a designated working space. With the door closed, unless you and your DC are ridiculously noisy or he is very noise sensitive, he shouldn't be disturbed by the noise.

If he emerges from his office during the day (and tbh he needs not to be sat in the same place for 8 hours, he'll get a DVT!) then it's fine to come and say hi and then go back to work. Your children can be told that daddy is working; and if they start to get upset, just distract them with something else once he has to return back upstairs.

Is he actually complaining they are too noisy? Or are you projecting this, and creating a problem where none really exists?

I also don't get the 'dying inside' comment - if this was me when my DC were small, surely you'd just respond with a 'kids, what can you do' shrug. they're his kids as well, and again doesn't necessarily sound like he's criticising your parenting, he's just saying he could hear them.

Stop bending over backwards to make it easy for him! Stop feeling it is all your responsibility to make it work and stop feeling stressed and guilty about it.

If he starts to complain that things are not to his liking then he will be more prepared to discuss it and work out a solution together.

The problem is that you think his needs are more important than yours

Therefore, you live a miserable life, to appease him

In your shoes, explain to DH that with small kids there is noise and mess and play dates, and meetings with friends, and shrieking and noise noise noise

If he wants/needs “quiet”he needs to go into the office, work in his car, in Starbucks, the library or rent a desk somewhere (this is what I do) OR embrace the chaos and mess that comes with working from home when there are two small kids in the home

Currently you have put yourself in a position where his needs come first. Why. Because he’s the big important man?

I’ve a toddler and DH is primary carer when I’m working 3 days a week from home. Ima lays on calls or speaking as the host of educational webinars. I either work in my office or downstairs near the wifi. Either way door is locked access is barred. But I would never invade the communal space of get kids to pipe down. I sometimes go to the conwkring if I need to keep head down and not be distracted by cuddles when nipping to loo etc.

It sounds like you are frightened to bring this up with DH. Can you explain that the family home is a space for family to do their thing and if he needs it to double up as something else he need to work around it not the other way round?

Has he any friends? Does he do anything outside the house?
Has Covid turned made him afraid to leave the house? You'll have to sit him down again and explain that he needs to stay in the spare room and not interfere in what you are doing.

Could be what's also happening is that your unspoken resentment is likely causing you to over 'quieten' the kids as a way to prove your point to him.

Are you able to drive? When you go places in the car at the weekend, you drive so that he can't 'take' you places you don't want to go.
Are you sure he fully understands the depth of your feelings about this issue?

Who looks after the kids on the days you have to work? Are they out of the house in childcare?

I wonder OP if there are things left unsaid here - if you are feeling anxious about his reactions - or is there another feeling, that you are resentful of him stepping away from family life so easily.

Many, many families have to do this now and I totally get that it is stressful but there seems an extra level here - my husband is often working from home while I'm with kids/ have other noisy children over etc - my husband wears noise cancelling headphones and I really dont worry much about it! It's not ideal and sometimes he gets stressed or I get stressed - particularly if there are noisy games in the garden right under the room he works in.

But your description of your mother getting very anxious about disturbing him is a bit strange - why does he get to rule the roost? He chooses to WFH, you and the kids need to come first.

I know from experience (as I'm sure many people now do with all the WFH) that its particularly shit having to try and parent alone while you know your partner is just peacefully getting on with their interesting work in another room.

I think it seems odd on first glance that anyone would consider ending a marriage over a practical issue such as this - on a very basic level it would be cheaper for him to rent out a nearby office space than it would be for him to move out and live somewhere else because you have split up.

Have you actually told him this is a massive deal breaker for you? Have you looked at local spaces he could work in? Have you told him that he has to go back to the office for your sanity and the children's sanity?

I actually do understand how crap this must feel -

If he's supposed to be in the office on Monday and Tuesday, then those are the days that you don't pander to him.

A couple of days with the kids making the noise in a different room and just being kids will have him sticking to those days in the office and not offering lifts etc. or changing his days on a whim. He probably changes his days and then ends up working from home on the other days of the week because you're out of the house and so are the kids. Do you know that he actually goes into the office on the days that he's rescheduled to go in?

Just keep the kids downstairs if he is working in the upstairs office. Say that you're no longer going to curtail their behaviour because he changes the day he is going to be going to the office at very short notice. If he has a problem, he can arrange to go into the office. He has an alternative location he can go and do his work from. Your kids do not.
That's your solution.

Why is he moving around so much? This would be much easier on the children if he just said "daddy is going to work" closes the door on the kitchen and then goes upstairs unit break time at least.
This isn't a WFH issue, this is a failure of your husband to work from home properly.
Surely he needs a proper set up with chair, mouse etc.
Don't tolerate it or change your behaviour any longer. Tell him he needs to work in his home office and then give the children their noisiest toys if he starts 'working' in the communal spaces.

He sounds horribly selfish @Opentoskychange, like another poster's H but she just had the 1 child iirc.

You've told him what the problem is, and he continues to make it worse. He's not listening to you.

If - if - you still care about him, write to him. Tell him he has to go into the office on your days off, and if he is at home for whatever reason he stays in his room and doesn't come where the kids are. And he supports you on finding things to do at the weekend with the kids. Or you'll leave.

Or just leave. Talk to a solicitor now, work out what you'll need and how you can live without him. You'll have so much more headspace when you're not constantly trying to clear up after his psychic mess.

What a horrible, selfish man.

I am totally with you on this @Opentoskychange My dh works from home, and thank god I go out to work! I couldn't stand being stuck there with him all the time. Our house is quite small, so he works in the living room, and once we're in from school / work, we are all stuck there together, unless me and the kids escape upstairs and sit on the floor..... He has his radio on the telly all day, either LBC or Talk Sport, which was mind numbing for the poor dc on half term last week, and all other school holidays, they just put up with it. Added to that, he moans and sighs and snaps after each phone call, and it's draining. I'm not sure what you can do OP, but it's not right for you to be walking on eggshells in your own house. It's up to him to make his work space fit in with normal home life. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to not disturb him, but he isn't doing the same for you, and that's not fair.

Also, get an airhorn. Sound it any time he shushes you when he's not in his office.

we will start an activity, he will walk into the midst of it, I will have to answer questions about it, he goes again, the children cry, it takes the pleasure out of it. Same for music and art and laying in the garden.

That sounds like deliberately trying to disturb things to me and he knows it upsets the children when he does it (because it's happened before) so why is he still doing it? because it's deliberate and he's an asshole, doing things to deliberately upset others is abusive

My father worked from home three days a week. His work involved having visitors around and my room was above his so I had to be REALLY quiet. We were not allowed to have friends around after school or let off steam. It affected our social life hugely. It felt like I didn't deserve to be in my own space.

I know someone else whose husband worked nights. During the day his wife struggled to keep their toddler quiet while her husband slept. The little boy developed this kind of silent squeal which he would do to get what he wanted. He knew if he really screamed his dad would get furious with his mother. It was psychologically really unhealthy.

The children and you need to be present in your house and lives and not creeping around like you don't belong there.

@Opentoskychange Have you actually told him that you're considering leaving him over his refusal to work in the office on the days you're at home?

If he would switch back to set office days it should be a pretty simple fix.

Or put the children in nursery full time?

Is the first choice really to leave?

Also maybe if you weren't trying so hard to keep the kids quiet he may see the advantage of being in the office more! Stop doing that.

Why is he working from home?

If it's to save on a long commute, and there's a co-working space down the road, as another poster has already pointed out, that cost would be cheaper than a divorce lawyer.

If he's anxious about leaving the house, I don't think either of you get to trump the other one, and you need to find a solution that works for you both to share the space.

Have you ever both discussed with each other what you need out of the space sharing arrangement?

Does he need silence because he's on calls all day, or have you assumed?

Does he realise you can't help feeling like a wreck when you think he's heard the noise?

It sounds as if home working could be better for both of you if you drew up some boundaries following a discussion. It could involve him sticking to one room during fixed times, and helping you explain to the children when Daddy's working. Could involve you making sure the kids are quiet at a fixed time each week for a recurring team call, but letting them be noisy at other times.

If he won't communicate or compromise, as has been said, working from home is a red herring.

Are you scared of him? Do you feel like you "cant" make noise?

Could you do a play centre with them would that pass a few hours. My house is small. Was hard with everyone here. Its too much!

Tell him what you've said here.

That you want to end the marriage because he is inconsiderate and thinks life revolves around him. Either he goes into the office or he finds somewhere else to live and work.

@Opentoskychange it is quite clear that there is a lot more going on here and the wfh behaviour is a small part of it. Laying it all out would be helpful but maybe on a new thread in Relationships rather than in AIBU