Washing up as you go along

[Yogaandcocoa]

I'm on mat leave with a four month old. I EBF so I do all childcare, all night wake ups etc, I still do most of the cleaning and all laundry. DH works 9-5 from home and makes our evening meal and does the washing up.

I appreciate DH does the evening washing up but he often leaves it to the next morning. I find it a bit grim coming into the kitchen either with baby in the night or in the morning to a dirty kitchen but can I complain when he's the one doing it?

He also then tends to leave anything he uses throughout the day til he cooks the evening meal so the kitchen is dirty from evening meal (around 7) to morning around 9 am and then he makes some breakfast for himself and that mess is left out all day.

I've now made more effort to clean it in the day and have asked that we clean up after ourselves as we go along so if you make some toast then wash the plate and knife etc after. That way the kitchen is clean all day.

I manage to do it despite holding a baby for most of the day but he still doesn't. I went to bed worn baby at about 8 last night. He had the rest of the evening to himself (and is still in bed) and the plates are still there.

I don't want to be controlling but I also find it annoying when I'm cleaning up after myself but still come into a dirty kitchen.

AIBU?

We’ve always washed up in one go. I don’t think your dh is doing anything wrong as long as he’s not leaving it for you to do.

Surely the kitchen isn’t dirty because there are plates stacked by the sink?

This is a matter of different preferences rather than either of you being “wrong” as such

If I keep mentioning he accuses me of nagging or ruining the vibe

It's not just the pots and pans by the sink either. It is basically every surface needs cleaning so I have to clean a surface before I can do something like make a drink or breakfast for myself or sterilise something for the baby.

I think he has it easy given he doesn't do any childcare whatsoever apart from an occasional ten mins if baby cries when I'm in the shower.

I had not much sleep last night so DH could have taken the baby but instead he's gone back to bed himself.

Maybe I am irritable because I'm tired but I feel like waking him up and telling him to wash up! I have been running around sorting laundry from yesterday, putting more in, dressing the baby...

He did nothing all day yesterday as he had spent Friday night with his friend and was hungover.

@PurpleDaisies

We’ve always washed up in one go. I don’t think your dh is doing anything wrong as long as he’s not leaving it for you to do.

Surely the kitchen isn’t dirty because there are plates stacked by the sink?

This is a matter of different preferences rather than either of you being “wrong” as such

No because he manages to use every surface for simple things so every bit of the worktop needs at least a wipe when I go in, often with limited time as I have put baby down, or while holding baby.

He will make toast without using a plate or anything and so one worktop is covered in crumbs.

It is basically every surface needs cleaning so I have to clean a surface before I can do something like make a drink or breakfast for myself or sterilise something for the baby.

That’s not on. He needs to leave the kitchen clean. It sounds like you need a discussion of a fairer split of childcare duties.

I dislike wasting water and soap by washing up everything individually throughout the day. Also with a combi boiler potentially wasting energy.

I prefer to wash up in the bowl all at once.

We leave it all for one wash here. It's a waste of water if you're doing it all day

I just think if I can do it then why can't he. It's not like he is making food or drinks for both of us either other than dinner.

He'll make himself breakfast then I go in to a dirty kitchen when I want something. I just don't see why it's not better to have a clean kitchen.

We don't have a dishwasher BTW.

Yes maybe if the kitchen was clean apart from dirty things stacked up in one place it wouldn't be so bad.

YANBU at all.

You're not his personal maid. He is a grown man fully capable of cleaning up after himself. He's choosing not to and leaving it to you. Not on.

I just think if I can do it then why can't he.

Because he’s doing it in a different way that’s not worse than yours. It’s just different.

Obviously the sides issue and the unfair childcare is another thing.

Fight the battle that actually needs fighting.

I agree with you it puts you in good mood to come down to reasonable tidy living room and kitchen. It’s grim trying full kettle when sink is full of dishes or can’t reach kettle because surface is covered in dishes.

You are doing everything at home for the baby he is out 9-5 it’s not asking much for him wash up after 2 adults and leave the kitchen tidy. Does he always do it in the morning or do you crack at 6am when you are up sorting a feed and just do it anyway?

Surfaces should be wiped down after use especially if food being prepared directly on the surface. That's basic food hygiene. The washing up is fine to leave and tbh when we had our Newborn we were both so tired sometimes it did get left a couple of days

Ah see he's not really helping with baby though. So yeah I'd say once a day is fine as long as you can access sink

Dishwasher?

I need the kitchen to be clean when I go in to use it.

I end up doing it as I don't want to be in mess all day. Bacon fat pan on the stove. Crumbs one side. Dirty worktop next to the cooker. Used real bag just left. I think his way is worse than mine!

@Yogaandcocoa

I need the kitchen to be clean when I go in to use it.

I end up doing it as I don't want to be in mess all day. Bacon fat pan on the stove. Crumbs one side. Dirty worktop next to the cooker. Used real bag just left. I think his way is worse than mine!

So agree how he will leave the kitchen. That doesn’t need to be all the washing up done. It does need to be pans abs plates etc stacked neatly by at the sink with all sides and cooked top clean. That’s worth standing your ground on, not washing every plate after it’s been used.

Why are his childcare responsibilities limited to when you have a shower? I ebf with DD but my husband did the nappy changes overnight once I had fed her, and during the day when he was at home. Also bathed, played with, generally was a parent.

Ruining the vibe...is he 14?!

I think you should wake him and tell him he can either look after the baby whilst you clean or clean the mess himself. As others have said there’s an imbalance here and calling you a nag is unfair. He’s not pulling his weight.

OMG OP this is almost exactly how my husband does it and it nearly drove us to divorce!

He does all the cooking but will only wash up once a day - at approximately 3pm.

In addition he always likes to disinfect the dishcloth before using it to wipe surfaces so wouldn't do this until 3pm either.

So between 3pm and 7pm you had a nice clean kitchen.

... but after that pots/pans/plates from dinner, breakfast and lunch around - chopping boards, things soaking in the sink so you couldn't use the sink or the bowl.

If I tried to do it he said my washing up skills weren't good enough.

I really struggled with it and in the end just started to make a massive effort to wash up myself as carefully as I could.

Eventually he started to come down after dinner and do them if I hadn't done them already. I do after breakfast and lunch and keep surfaces clean.

I know it's more energy saving to do once a day but oh my god - the mess throughout the day! Awful.

I feel your pain!

So some people leave their dirty breakfast pots in the sink all day and wash them later on?

I wash after each meal.

@cowburp exactly he isn't sleep deprived at all. Once we've had dinner his evenings are free, fe has as much sleep as he wants, often getting up and starting work after 9 am.

I am not asking him to clean up after me all day. I clean up after myself. It doesn't take much to quickly wash a cup and bowl.

@2020isnotbehaving he usually does it in the morning around 9 am but not always. By then I've already been in the kitchen to get myself a drink, often take one to DH still in bed(!) and put laundry on.

Doing it in the morning (sometimes) is an improvement. He was typically cooking dinner then leaving the washing up until the following evening when he went down to cook dinner. So the kitchen was a mess all day and was added to with breakfast and lunch things.

It just didn't seem necessary when we were having dinner at around 7pm and he had time to fi it before going to bed.

It sounds like I'm in the minority though!

I think we will get a dishwasher when we get a new kitchen but as I am on mat leave and also the one who will pay for it we could be waiting a while for one.

@DoYouLikeOwls

So some people leave their dirty breakfast pots in the sink all day and wash them later on?

I wash after each meal.

We have a dishwasher now but yes, that’s what we did. Everything gets done together after the evening meal. Usually whichever one of us wasn’t cooking would get most done while the other one was making dinner abs we’d finish it off together.

We clean as we go. Basically the way he’s doing it means the kitchen literally never looks clean, right? It’s dirty when you get up, momentarily clean when he washes the dishes from the night before and then just builds up dirt and mess throughout the day again.

We wash up after each meal and just wipe the surfaces if we’ve used them - it only takes a min and the kitchen looks more or less clean most of the day.

A compromise might be - neatly stack any dishes that need doing next to the sink, so they can be done in one go. But don’t leave stuff all over the place, and wipe the surfaces so they’re clean for the next use.

My husband is a head chef so is used to having an army of kp’s clearing up after him. Nightmare when he’s home and forgets we don’t have kp’s here!

I’d have crack and just make sure it was clean before I went to bed. Here’s the baby and off you go. It’s great if you both don’t care about mess but I’ve stayed with friends who leave kitchens like this and I can’t relax in messy kitchen all day when all you can see is crumbs and piles of dishes. Then trying make food around them.

He gets to play the I’m a great partner I cook and clean up every night.. well no you cook and leave me the dish’s for the morning isn’t not quite as generous. If it matters to you he should be capable of doing a 10m wash up. It’s not like you are a family of 6.

Why is he still in bed?