Washing up as you go along

[Yogaandcocoa]

I'm on mat leave with a four month old. I EBF so I do all childcare, all night wake ups etc, I still do most of the cleaning and all laundry. DH works 9-5 from home and makes our evening meal and does the washing up.

I appreciate DH does the evening washing up but he often leaves it to the next morning. I find it a bit grim coming into the kitchen either with baby in the night or in the morning to a dirty kitchen but can I complain when he's the one doing it?

He also then tends to leave anything he uses throughout the day til he cooks the evening meal so the kitchen is dirty from evening meal (around 7) to morning around 9 am and then he makes some breakfast for himself and that mess is left out all day.

I've now made more effort to clean it in the day and have asked that we clean up after ourselves as we go along so if you make some toast then wash the plate and knife etc after. That way the kitchen is clean all day.

I manage to do it despite holding a baby for most of the day but he still doesn't. I went to bed worn baby at about 8 last night. He had the rest of the evening to himself (and is still in bed) and the plates are still there.

I don't want to be controlling but I also find it annoying when I'm cleaning up after myself but still come into a dirty kitchen.

AIBU?

On a complete tangent I think he is really off sleeping in till after 9 while you are up in the night with the baby. That is really off. He could get up at 7 and let you catch up on sleep.

He needs words girl.....he needs to start looking after you a little.

"I had not much sleep last night so DH could have taken the baby but instead he's gone back to bed himself."
"we have got into a pattern of him not helping much with the baby"

I wonder do you prefer to do everything for the baby and not ask him to help. Happens to us all because with the first baby everything is new and all the old patterns don't work anymore.
You are not asking for help nor telling him clearly what you want.
If you want a clean space left then tell him he can't use that part of the worktop because you need it clean for bottles or whatever.
If you want him to take the baby while you go back to bed, then ask. He's not a mindreader. He won't suddenly 'notice' your issue.
As far as he knows you 'want' the baby all the time. You 'want' to get up every morning. This gives him the idea that it's your baby not a shared thing.
Learn to ask clearly. Learn to let go and let him mind the baby.
Can you talk to him openly about how you feel when both of you are calm. Tell him what would help you. Make a new kitchen plan.
Don't wait until you are so angry that you have to say something.
Tell him it's not fair to say that you are ruining the vibe because you are just struggling to discuss something that's difficult for you.

I’m a SAHM, and my DH was doing a bit of this while wfh. Eg, he’d make himself a sandwich and leave out crumbs, wrappers, the chopping board and knife, dumping dirty plates and mugs in the sink etc. He would get to it that evening at the latest, but still. I explained that he was essentially leaving a mess in my “office”, seeing as I’m preparing food a LOT and we hang out and play in the kitchen a lot too.

Now he tidies up after himself!

I clean up as I go. DP doesn't. When our dishwasher went bang, he insisted that we didn't need a replacement. I did say that he'd need to start cleaning up as he went along or things would build up and it'll be far more work in the long run. He didn't believe me and then would instantly 'forget' to do it after I'd been in there with him (thinking that modelling the wiping, throwing away and washing up would help) for the very next meal.

So I stopped cooking and cleaning the kitchen. I'm not making it look immaculate by the time dinner is ready only to find it is unusable the next time I walk in there. I haven't washed anything up since then. Conveniently, my Tinnitus renders me deaf to his gripes about how much work it is to cook when you have to spend an hour cleaning and washing up before you start. It's taken some determination, but I have stuck to cleaning the bathrooms, living room, hall, stairs, bedroom - but I will not touch the kitchen under any circumstances.

He's now decided we're getting a new dishwasher.

You need to be very clear and very firm here: his breaks don't mean he gets to sleep/play/go out/do hobbies while your breaks mean you're doing yet more chores and cleaning up after him. Fucker.

OP he works during work hours, outside of that you split jobs. Tell him you're both entitled to sleep and equal 'on your arse' time. He wants 3 hours to dick about on the xbox? He then does 3 hours of getting shit done while minding the baby. You need to get this sorted now. I was also going to post the link mentioned upthread. It might give him a kick if he sees a man saying it.

@irene9 you've made a few assumptions there

Not my first baby

I have asked him to take baby in the mornings but it's so hard waking him up that I stopped trying

He either won't wake up or he'll say I need to give him time to wake up which takes 20 mins easily and by then Im either feeding baby or wide awake myself

I can't get back to sleep easily once it's morning so if I have to make a big effort to wake him up or wait too long then I'm awake and there's no point

Can't stand mess so I clean as I go, but I e got a dishwasher which makes it much easier.

I'd brain the bas!

God no. I couldn't live like this. Clean as you go. You use the kitchen, you clean up your mess. Plates in the dishwasher, and if no dishwasher then washed or stacked in/next to the sink. Surfaces wiped, food put away.

He sounds so lazy.

Go for a compromise - one specified part of the worktop to be left clear and clean so that it's ready if you need to use it before he next washes up.

Loads of ideas on this thread about how to manage the behaviour of a perfectly capable adult, who knows what he is doing stresses his partner, but chooses to do it anyway. I wonder if he is lazy, selfish and obstructive with his work colleagues and friends, or is it just the mother of his child who doesn't get respect?

He has just gone to work and I know I'm going to be annoyed if he has t left the kitchen clean!

I just asked and her seemed a bit nonplussed and said he's not sure as he hasn't been downstairs but he thinks so.

He hasn't been downstairs yet but he could have got up earlier to do that. It's 8 30 now.

I had about 4 x 1 hour sleep last night (sleep regression??) I don't think it's too much to ask that he gets up a bit earlier if he needs to.

I get that it's not all about what I want but its the only thing I ask. As PPs say, he has a baby and barely does anything differently, no interrupted sleep, not even any financial consequences yet (I earn more and pay fir everything baby needs) and I don't think it's a lot to ask he helps by keeping the kitchen clean.

After asking this if him a few weeks ago I'd say he does it less than half the time but if I left anything of mine out unwashed he'd get annoyed and the sometimes refuse to wash up at all.

I didn't often leave my stuff but the whole point of me washing up throughout the day is to have a clean kitchen but
I don't have one anyway because he constantly makes mess.

I'm saying all this and I haven't even been in the kitchen yet

I can hear him in there. Washing up? Making a drink?

PPs are right that it is about the overall picture. I have to do more of the domestic chores and contribute more financially and I don't think it's fair.

@lanthanum

Go for a compromise - one specified part of the worktop to be left clear and clean so that it's ready if you need to use it before he next washes up.

I actually tried this with the area where the steriliser is and he couldn't even do that. He is so absentminded that he "forgets" everything I ask him even thinks like he'll walk into a room I'm in then leave the door wide open as he leaves. If I ask him to close it he acts like it's an imposition. This can happen several times in an hour so I don't want to keep asking him to close the door please but who is that absent minded?!

It’s not absent mindedness. It’s laziness.

He is competent at work so there is absolutely no reason for him to turn into someone so incompetent at life at home.

What is the point of him at all? Now you’ve said you are funding your ML and buy your baby’s things I really can’t see what he is contributing beyond the odd meal (& you glossed over it but a jacket potato and cheese isn’t exactly cordon bleu cooking).

You are doing all the heavy lifting both domestically and with your child, can you imagine how resentful you will be when you try to do a full time job too?

He can cook and often makes nice meals but my point was he doesn't cook every day so it's not as if he doesn't get a night off that. If he doesn't feel like it then he doesn't do it.

I think I'm already resentful. I get annoyed by little things. He accuses me of nagging or not being nice. He said at the weekend we should be nice to each other not picking on little things. I said yes I agree but that does not mean ignoring my feelings.

It does bother me I have to bear the financial and domestic burden while he makes plans to do as he wishes.

I Waah up in one day but that’s not the problem he sounds like a test

He could at least get a washing up bowl or sth and stick them in there so they don’t dirty the sink! That’s what I did

And you’re sleep deprived perfectly normal to be annoyed by small things really he’s doing none of the hard work
Grrrr

Also see ‘hero housework’ which my lovely DP is also guilty of.
Woman cooks - daily , normal nothing to celebrate
Man cooks - needs woman to hand him pan, 10 plates and the Legion D’Honneur. Claims all credit for Michelin worthy meal 🙄

You don't have to put up with all this, you know. He clearly doesn't want to change, and the weight of running a household will only get heavier as time goes on, while he continues with this pseudo teenage bachelorhood.

It's not absent mindedness. He has no respect for you op. He's awful.

I don't want to be too negative as believe it or not I think he is getting better but the washing up gets in my tits

Sounds like it's 50/50 as to whether we should wash up as we go but most of you understand why it's annoying in the wider circumstances.

I never really saw the point that much Mum used to go on about it but we had a big kitchen so plenty of room to put things until later. Flats I had also had large kitchens. Whereas I now have a tiny kitchen and there really isn't room to start cooking unless everything from the last meal is washed and put away. Unfortunately my husband doesn't do this when he cooks and just gets more stuff out piling it up in any space he can find. In the days before we married he wouldn't wash up until everything was dirty...so about once a week (not envy)

There is a reason that infamous divorce article was called something to the effect of “she divorced me for leaving a glass in the sink”

He isn’t absentminded or forgetful. He doesn’t respect you enough or care.

It’s only after you’ve kicked them out & able to appreciate your reliably clean kitchen that you realise what a waste of time being with a slob was.

The tension in your stomach of not knowing the state of the kitchen is bloody awful. I remember at times coming into the kitchen, choking up with tears as was so tired & having to clean up their crap so I could fix a sandwich. Never again!

Also these feral tend to pride themselves on their cooking abilities - yet will often use every pot & pan, leaving the kitchen in a shocking state.

The real skill is cooking a meal & cleaning up as you go & not leaving the kitchen obliterated for the next person. Cooking while having basic hygiene & tidiness in mind - crazy, I know…