Washing up as you go along

[Yogaandcocoa]

I'm on mat leave with a four month old. I EBF so I do all childcare, all night wake ups etc, I still do most of the cleaning and all laundry. DH works 9-5 from home and makes our evening meal and does the washing up.

I appreciate DH does the evening washing up but he often leaves it to the next morning. I find it a bit grim coming into the kitchen either with baby in the night or in the morning to a dirty kitchen but can I complain when he's the one doing it?

He also then tends to leave anything he uses throughout the day til he cooks the evening meal so the kitchen is dirty from evening meal (around 7) to morning around 9 am and then he makes some breakfast for himself and that mess is left out all day.

I've now made more effort to clean it in the day and have asked that we clean up after ourselves as we go along so if you make some toast then wash the plate and knife etc after. That way the kitchen is clean all day.

I manage to do it despite holding a baby for most of the day but he still doesn't. I went to bed worn baby at about 8 last night. He had the rest of the evening to himself (and is still in bed) and the plates are still there.

I don't want to be controlling but I also find it annoying when I'm cleaning up after myself but still come into a dirty kitchen.

AIBU?

Why will you be the one paying for the dishwasher? That comes out of house money!

If it matters to you he should be capable of doing a 10m wash up.

Why should he though? He is doing the washing up, just in the way that he prefers.
Again, caveat that there are other issues here that need sorting.

I don’t understand why the op gets the casting vote over when the washing up is done.

That is grim, I’d hate it.

I would propose dividing up the cooking so that he’s not doing it every night. He’s working all day and then cooks the meal. Why can’t he take the baby for a while after work and you cook, some days?

Then I would say, in no uncertain terms, that whoever cooks cleans up after, no leaving it to the next day ever.

And the word “nagging” is sexist in the extreme, does he really want to live in this “nagging wife” cliche dynamic? Does he not want more for himself out of life than to just fall back on lazy stereotypes? Just clean the kitchen like an adult ffs.

At the very least, he should wipe down work surfaces as he goes and stacks all the washing up neatly by the sink.
But I get why it irks you to come down to a messy kitchen, so after your meal (or whenever), I'd hand baby to DH and tell him you're just going to clear the kitchen.
He'll either leave baby with you and go and do it, or you get to do it while he holds the baby! Win win hopefully

How do you clean your one plate and one knife? I’m guessing by running them under the tap, which to my mind is quite wasteful and not that hygienic either. I’m on a water meter so have always saved all my washing up to do in the evening. My son’s have now taken over the chore of washing up and they sometimes leave it until the next morning, which, as long as it is all stacked near the sink and the surfaces are clean and crumb free, I really don’t think is worth getting upset about. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@alittlequinnie that does sound similar to us!

We have got into a pattern of him not helping with the baby. Some nights I have very little sleep abs have suggested he could get up at 7 am just once a week and take baby so I can have 1-2 hours sleep. He could go to bed at 9 pm and have plenty of sleep that day. He sleeps in spare room so as not to be woken. It was such an effort that I have stopped asking. If I asked in advance he just didn't do it. If I try to wake him in the morning he either is so difficult to wake (think waking a teenager) or he takes so long to cine and take the baby that I'm wide awake.

I manage quite well on my own and mostly feel fine despite lack of sleep but I do feel like a single mum sometimes and think he could just help with keeping the kitchen clean.

I feel your pain. My DP does this and the biggest sin is leaving dishes to soak in water long enough for the water to be cold and greasy. He goes out and I'm silently seething and end up doing them myself. It must be worse for you with a baby though.

It matters because it’s upsetting to his partner not because it’s housework rule 101

She finds it irritating and annoying and horrible to look at all day. He’s prefers that happens than doing washing up that he doesn’t care about.

Read my wife divorced me over the dishes

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

It's not that I think I should get the vote and I think it is reasonable he does the cooking because he works 9-5 and then spends maybe max 2 hours cooking and washing up but then has the rest of his evening to himself, a full nights sleep and up until he starts work.

He could take the baby but he tends to hand him back to me when he's hungry.

But why should my only break from looking after the baby be to cook??

He spends hours watching tv, playing on the Xbox or goes out with his friends and then gets to sleep without being woken up.

I think it's fair he cooks.

And to put in context hes a good cook but sometimes he doesn't bother. Last night we had baked potatoes with cheese. The night before he was at his friends house and I ordered a takeaway.

@DoYouLikeOwls

So some people leave their dirty breakfast pots in the sink all day and wash them later on?

I wash after each meal.

Yes, before we had a dishwasher that’s what we did. But generally we tend to have cereal for breakfast, and a sandwich or a wrap or something similarly non-messy for lunch. So it was just two plates and two bowls stacked next to the sink. If we ever did a fry up or something with more mess, we’d wash that after breakfast.

OP I think he should be doing the evening meal stuff in the evening, if nothing else it’s just easier before everything dries, and depending what you’ve cooked it can smell overnight, especially if fish. But if it is all getting done once a day, I don’t understand how the kitchen is getting so messy that you have to clean a surface to make yourself a drink?

It matters because it’s upsetting to his partner not because it’s housework rule 101

She finds it irritating and annoying and horrible to look at all day. He’s prefers that happens than doing washing up that he doesn’t care about.

So they find a compromise. The op sounds amenable to everything being stacked neatly in an otherwise clean and tidy kitchen.

If the childcare imbalance issues were resolved, that would make a huge difference. This isn’t about him washing up a plate straight away-it’s the op feeling he isn’t generally pulling his weight.

It's personal preference isn't it really . I prefer to get it done at night, so there's a clean kitchen in the morning. But I dobt always do it because I sometimes just don't want to. In the daytime I will often stack things next to the sink and wash up while cooking dinner . We have an immersion heater so if I constantly run little buts of hot water off the water doesn't stay hot for long

He spends hours watching tv, playing on the Xbox or goes out with his friends and then gets to sleep without being woken up.

That’s really a separate issue if you are doing all the parenting and he gets his free time. Him doing the washing up as he goes wouldn’t solve this, and it does need solving so you get a break.

But why should my only break from looking after the baby be to cook?? I totally get you. I had to put my foot down and ended up writing out a schedule for the first few months. It was the only way I could get him to realise I was being left to be the default parent and he was just able to do what he wanted unless I asked then I'd get told off for nagging!

I have a dishwasher so if there are some cups or something that can't go in the dishwasher, I wait until I have about 4 to actually wash them.

If I didn't have a dishwasher, I would definitely be washing up after every meal. Mainly because you'd be making the job so much harder for yourself leaving food to cement onto the plates. And also because then it's done, clean and tidy.

As has been suggested, your DH needs to at least be leaving the pots next to the sink and the rest of the kitchen clean.

Different people do things differently and have different standards .he's not leaving it for you to do he's just doing it in his way not yours.

If you can't afford dishwasher right now get keep an eye on market place I go one years ago practically new people had moved to hose with built in one think paid £40 for it

Sounds like you have a lot more issues than just the washing up. He's lazy and him saying stop nagging is to shut you up so he can get away with doing practically sod all.

Oh no, I'm with you 100% on this OP. I couldn't stand to walk into a kitchen with debris from the night before, even more so with a full time 'babe in arms'
I must have trained my whole family at some point, so yes I would have nagged or complained at the start.
YANBU.

OP I think he should be doing the evening meal stuff in the evening, if nothing else it’s just easier before everything dries, and depending what you’ve cooked it can smell overnight, especially if fish. But if it is all getting done once a day, I don’t understand how the kitchen is getting so messy that you have to clean a surface to make yourself a drink?

Because that's how he cooks etc. He makes a mess. He cooks dinner then washes up either in the evening or the next morning in most cases. He then might make a bacon sandwich and cup of tea. So he will have used three of the work surfaces. Crumbs near the toaster, greasy / crumbs by the cooker, even making a cup of tea he'll leave the spoon the opposite side of the kitchen from where the kettle is.

If it was wiped down it wouldn't be so bad but then I don't like the kitchen and whole house smelling of bacon grease all day either

He sounds lazy. I'm EBF but my partner will take the baby after some feeds and do winding and settling whilst I go to sleep next door and get another chunk of sleep in. My partner will make us both lunch during the week and do a nappy change or play time so I get a break too. Does he do any hands on parenting at the weekends?

I honestly couldn’t live with someone like that. It would drive me crazy. Don’t you get flies and bugs during summer?

OP your husband is being an arsehole. The dishes are a red herring. He should be stepping up to parenting ASAP. He needs to be giving you extra sleep every morning. Even if it’s just an hour and then longer at the weekend. He is getting away with blue murder at the moment.

But why should my only break from looking after the baby be to cook??

It obviously shouldn’t. You really need to stop his behaviour right now. He is lazy.
You don’t want to live like this for the next 20 years.

He barely does much on the weekend

This morning he came in at 9 to see us then said he's going for another sleep. Why?? He did nothing yesterday and got 10+ Hours sleep probably. He could have taken the baby but he doesn't

I even said I'm going to make myself a drink. I would have asked you but you're going to bed! He had just been down to make himself a cup of tea and doesn't even think to bring me one.

I always take him one if I go downstairs for a drink first but maybe I have spoiled him

I fed baby at least four times in the night so wake up thirsty and he doesn't even think to bring me a drink.

Yes PPs are right it's more about the balance generally but I also like the kitchen and house to stay clean

He finds it hard to manage if the washing up piles up too so it's as if I have to clean up after myself but he can leave his til the evening which also doesn't add up.