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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Washing up as you go along

140 replies

Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 10:17

I'm on mat leave with a four month old. I EBF so I do all childcare, all night wake ups etc, I still do most of the cleaning and all laundry. DH works 9-5 from home and makes our evening meal and does the washing up.

I appreciate DH does the evening washing up but he often leaves it to the next morning. I find it a bit grim coming into the kitchen either with baby in the night or in the morning to a dirty kitchen but can I complain when he's the one doing it?

He also then tends to leave anything he uses throughout the day til he cooks the evening meal so the kitchen is dirty from evening meal (around 7) to morning around 9 am and then he makes some breakfast for himself and that mess is left out all day.

I've now made more effort to clean it in the day and have asked that we clean up after ourselves as we go along so if you make some toast then wash the plate and knife etc after. That way the kitchen is clean all day.

I manage to do it despite holding a baby for most of the day but he still doesn't. I went to bed worn baby at about 8 last night. He had the rest of the evening to himself (and is still in bed) and the plates are still there.

I don't want to be controlling but I also find it annoying when I'm cleaning up after myself but still come into a dirty kitchen.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 11:11

Now Im with the baby looking for an opportunity to have a shower, as if I'm alone in the house, but I'm not.

I shouldn't have to leave baby to cry while I have a shower on a weekend when he's home!

I don't know. Im not even that annoyed but sometimes it winds me up when I see how little he is doing and I'm sneaking 5 mins to shower or go to the loo and eat most meals with one hand while holding / feeding the baby and DH goes out with friends even has holidays as if he's single.

OP posts:
itsallgoingpearshaped · 07/11/2021 11:13

Ask him why his job appears to be 9-5 Monday to Friday, while yours is 24/7? Why does he assume you'll be along to clean up after him constantly? Why does he assume you'll deal with the DC evenings, nights and weekends? The DCs are the responsibility of both of you. You're both parents. but only your life appears to have changed.

Sneezymcsneezy · 07/11/2021 11:14

@Yogaandcocoa I could have written your posts two weeks ago, I reached the end of my tether and called him a shitty dad, which I regretted, and in the morning I took it back and called him a shitty husband and that I felt like I was a single mum. He was extremely upset as he hadn't realised it was an issue Hmm, and then we just had a conversation around how he needs to do X y z, i.e. why should I be the one getting up and making breakfast and coffee for the both of us if he's the one who can get a full 8 hours every night, he gets to do everything he wants after me and baby go to bed, so why does he think it's ok to go to bed at 1am thinking he just needs to roll out and straight to his laptop for work? I was in the midst of hourly/two hourly wakenings as the baby was 4 months old, so was just so resentful of him not being considerate (not for the fact that he got to sleep in the spare room as it was a decision we had made together). Anyway he pulled his shit together, got up at 7 to allow me to nap for a couple of hours, which I really really needed and has taken everything I said on board since...

WTF475878237NC · 07/11/2021 11:15

You're both parents. but only your life appears to have changed.

^ yes. This isn't on OP.

TrulyPistoff · 07/11/2021 11:16

Im not even that annoyed but sometimes it winds me up when I see how little he is doing and I'm sneaking 5 mins to shower or go to the loo and eat most meals with one hand while holding / feeding the baby and DH goes out with friends even has holidays as if he's single.

Well it’s up to you how you want to live. It doesn’t seem like you want to do anything to change your situation. Good luck!

Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 11:18

You're both parents. but only your life appears to have changed.

This is true. He does everything as he would have before in terms of sleep and going out of spending time as he likes.

Meanwhile I am wanting a shower but baby doesn't want to be left.

OP posts:
cowburp · 07/11/2021 11:21

@Yogaandcocoa

You're both parents. but only your life appears to have changed.

This is true. He does everything as he would have before in terms of sleep and going out of spending time as he likes.

Meanwhile I am wanting a shower but baby doesn't want to be left.

Have you explained that if you spilt up and he got every other weekend contact he'd be doing more than he is now? That shocked my DH into seeing how unfair it was.
MyButteredBread · 07/11/2021 11:24

A dirty kitchen stresses me out beyond all reason. Everything else in the house could be mayhem, but I can cope as long as the kitchen is usable.

If you are trying to sterilise bottles in a dirty kitchen, it's not a usable space!

You are doing the lion's share of the work, and I feel like your partner should respect that by keeping the kitchen clean enough to support you in your work - the care of your child.

Not using a plate to prepare food is grim.

PurpleDaisies · 07/11/2021 11:25

Does he work from home or when he’s there Is he off? If he’s not working, just put the baby with him and go and get in the shower.

1forAll74 · 07/11/2021 11:30

I wouldn't think it was a dirty kitchen, but just a bit untidy, which doesn't really matter all that much.. Everyone has different ways of doing jobs.
Don't make a fuss about a washing up issue.

Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 11:31

@MyButteredBread

A dirty kitchen stresses me out beyond all reason. Everything else in the house could be mayhem, but I can cope as long as the kitchen is usable.

If you are trying to sterilise bottles in a dirty kitchen, it's not a usable space!

You are doing the lion's share of the work, and I feel like your partner should respect that by keeping the kitchen clean enough to support you in your work - the care of your child.

Not using a plate to prepare food is grim.

Yes exactly!

He WFH but when asked to do anything says "I'm working" so he can't do anything but when I WFH I still managed to do laundry and tidy up etc. He starts work after 9 and is entitled to a lunch break.

OP posts:
Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 11:31

@1forAll74

I wouldn't think it was a dirty kitchen, but just a bit untidy, which doesn't really matter all that much.. Everyone has different ways of doing jobs. Don't make a fuss about a washing up issue.
It is dirty because all of the surfaces have food or something on them and are not clean enough to use.
OP posts:
Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 11:32

I just mentioned it to him and he said I've upset him. Apparently the things left were my plate and cup (and definitely other things) which he doesn't see as part of the evening washing up.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/11/2021 11:32

It sounds like you need to establish what his work hours are. He surely isn’t working all day every day.

Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 11:33

And it's fine that I look after baby 24/7 because I want to.

No answer when I remind him I keep asking for him to take the baby in the morning so I can sleep.

Yesterday he slept until 12 as he had been at his friends the night before and was SO tired!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/11/2021 11:33

Don’t make this about washing up…make it about him being an equal partner around the house and parenting your child.

cowburp · 07/11/2021 11:34

@PurpleDaisies

Don’t make this about washing up…make it about him being an equal partner around the house and parenting your child.
Agreed this is the bigger issue
Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 11:34

@PurpleDaisies no his hours are 9-5 but he often starts half an hour late and sometimes works an hour later or more

OP posts:
KatherineSiena · 07/11/2021 11:35

It’s nearly midday and he’s still in bed while you need a shower? Take the baby to him and wake him up. Take a cuppa and a book and have a long soak in the bath.

As so often with these posts, this isn’t just about the dishes piling up, it’s about his lack of thought and consideration towards you. Never offering a drink to his breastfeeding wife? Pursuing his old life while his wife does all the childcare, laundry, housework except cooking. You need to have a serious conversation with him and no letting him accuse you of nagging.

I hope you are going back to work after ML. If so, he needs to understand the status quo has to change and he has to step up. He sounds pretty useless to be honest and I’m not sure a jacket potato with cheese would cut it for me as his contribution.

PurpleDaisies · 07/11/2021 11:35

Ok, so during those hours, he’s working and you shouldn’t expect him to also fit in laundry etc. Outside those hours you need a plan for how you together as a team will get everything done that needs doing and you both get breaks.

MyButteredBread · 07/11/2021 11:36

He sounds very, very selfish.

Yogaandcocoa · 07/11/2021 11:38

@PurpleDaisies I don't expect him to fit in laundry usually but one day this week there was a load I needed to wash again as I didn't have time to peg it out and he could have done it as a one off

I didn't even ask as he says "I'm working" whether it's evening or daytime but until recently we both worked and still had to maintain the house.

OP posts:
ImFree2doasiwant · 07/11/2021 11:39

This is bullshit OP and you need to nip it in the bud now

Not bringing you a cuppa when he makes himself one? No excuse. Thoughtless, selfish, not considering your needs. He should want to do this stuff. Go and get him up and take a shower. Take half an hour for yourself to get clean and dressed. Do this often - for any or no reason. Your baby has 2 parents but only 1 that's bothering you be doing parent.

Re the kitchen, compromise. Stack the dishes etc next to the sink for when he wants to wash them, but the sides must be wiped down and clean ready to use. It takes seconds

ImFree2doasiwant · 07/11/2021 11:40

And there US no reason at all why he couldn't peg laundry out when he's working. I should think he gets up to make a drink. Do it while the kettle boils

LuaDipa · 07/11/2021 11:41

Yeah he’s lazy.