Washing up as you go along

[Yogaandcocoa]

I'm on mat leave with a four month old. I EBF so I do all childcare, all night wake ups etc, I still do most of the cleaning and all laundry. DH works 9-5 from home and makes our evening meal and does the washing up.

I appreciate DH does the evening washing up but he often leaves it to the next morning. I find it a bit grim coming into the kitchen either with baby in the night or in the morning to a dirty kitchen but can I complain when he's the one doing it?

He also then tends to leave anything he uses throughout the day til he cooks the evening meal so the kitchen is dirty from evening meal (around 7) to morning around 9 am and then he makes some breakfast for himself and that mess is left out all day.

I've now made more effort to clean it in the day and have asked that we clean up after ourselves as we go along so if you make some toast then wash the plate and knife etc after. That way the kitchen is clean all day.

I manage to do it despite holding a baby for most of the day but he still doesn't. I went to bed worn baby at about 8 last night. He had the rest of the evening to himself (and is still in bed) and the plates are still there.

I don't want to be controlling but I also find it annoying when I'm cleaning up after myself but still come into a dirty kitchen.

AIBU?

YANBU. It sounds grim.

@smoko

There is a reason that infamous divorce article was called something to the effect of “she divorced me for leaving a glass in the sink”

He isn’t absentminded or forgetful. He doesn’t respect you enough or care.

It’s only after you’ve kicked them out & able to appreciate your reliably clean kitchen that you realise what a waste of time being with a slob was.

The tension in your stomach of not knowing the state of the kitchen is bloody awful. I remember at times coming into the kitchen, choking up with tears as was so tired & having to clean up their crap so I could fix a sandwich. Never again!

Also these feral tend to pride themselves on their cooking abilities - yet will often use every pot & pan, leaving the kitchen in a shocking state.

The real skill is cooking a meal & cleaning up as you go & not leaving the kitchen obliterated for the next person. Cooking while having basic hygiene & tidiness in mind - crazy, I know…

Exactly.

The dirty plates are a symptom of the disrespect.

I hate being around mess. Husband washes pots throughout the day (if around) and always clears fully away each night to start the day fresh. This was my request. Two young children means I don't get chance to keep on top of pots and it makes me feel nicer not having all the clutter. Plus not having to wash single items as I need to use them, which is annoying.

Ask him, tell him, why you want him to keep on top of the pots. Distribution of labour. I feel grateful but not guilty for asking.

Yes I cooked yesterday as he went into the office. I managed to cook and wash up while occupying baby or had to stop to pick him up but I still managed.

Even after I had done all that and left the kitchen clean he left bits out. I feel like I'm not allowed to say anything. There are things I do for him that are important to him but they won't be happening if he keeps dismissing my feelings.

Stop making him tea. Stop doing his laundry. Stop cleaning up the kitchen after him only clean your own mess. It'll be grim for a while but it's the only way. Good luck

This might interest you OP.

twitter.com/AITA_online/status/1457814462501695488?t=lt6-imt2DzJ6edFIPiJtjg&s=19

He's choosing incompetence.

If it’s impacting you then he should be doing it as he goes along.

He obviously knows you’ll end up having to do it if he does on in this way

Yes it did @RuggerHug

Thanks

He did just bring me a hot drink in bed cut the first time in ages

But had also gone back to bed despite mr saying I had about four hours sleep in separate increments if one hour...

If it’s impacting you then he should be doing it as he goes along.

I don’t think that’s necessarily true. How you wash up is personal preference and I can see someone fairly reasonably digging their heels in over someone insisting they do it a different way.

It’s a massive distraction from all the other issues. The op should be pushing for leaving the kitchen clean and tidy as a non negotiable. Who can really argue with that?

You chose him unfortunately

@MissMaple82

You chose him unfortunately

That doesn’t mean she needs to accept being treated like this!

I am really struggling to see what you are getting out of this relationship. He sounds strategically incompetent about a lot of basic household tasks. He also needs to get himself an alarm that gives him time to get up and take the baby. I really really feel for you but you need to start demanding more and ignoring the ‘we should be nice’ pleas while his life goes on unchanged.

Only way I could deal with this would be to have a large plastic bowl into which his dirty stuff goes, in one area of the kitchen. That is the only place dirty stuff can go until it is washed, and all other surfaces have to be clear/cleaned immediately after use. It is no more work for him than now and keeps the kitchen usable.

Gross
Swap the husband for a dishwasher

He needs to be sat down and given a talking to.

You need to firstly tell him the word 'nagging' is not to be used.

He needs to listen to your complaint.

Leaving a mess for others is completely, one hundred percent disrespectful to the other person.

He needs to demonstrate his respect for your time and your energy - and acknowledge your absolute equality to him - by cleaning up the shared space after himself.