Just had to tell my 11 year old she has BO

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

My 11 year old DD smells. She does a lot of sport and our rule is “you come in from training, you go straight to the shower” but she isn’t great at using the products in the shower.

For someone that has a shower every day and on 4 days a week, 2 showers a day, she has very greasy hair.

She “had a bath” after training this morning as she preferred that to a shower. She landed on top of me an hour ago and I told her she needed to start using her deodorant every day and washing properly in her showers.

It’s a conversation I’ve had to have in lif with both her sisters and my mum has had to have with me.

So now everyone hates me, my husband has just rocked in from the pub and is furious with me…

I don’t want her to be bullied, and I know her periods will start soon (all our girls started around 11 in primary school) and she needs to know how to take care of herself through puberty and the reality is that you can’t be subtle about smelling and taking care of yourself.

Everyone is furious with me but AIBU to think it has to be a blunt conversation

I have/have had exactly the same with my DD. I usually put it as “you need a shower when you’ve done sport. So do I; so does everyone when they’re a bit more grown up.” And on and on…. Don’t want to make her paranoid, but neither do I want to leave it for someone else to point it out….

Someone has to tell her. Better than it’s you who loves her, than mean girls at school.

I don’t think it had to be a blunt conversation. She was probably mortified.

Why does it have to be a blunt conversation? Why not just explain what happens in puberty, including sweating, and the consequent need for proper washing and deodorant. It will probably need repeating several times

Tone of voice and delivery are everything here. I've had to say similar to my DC. I keep it really breezy and light hearted

I did the same with my DD who is now 12. I was kind but truthful and insisted she shower daily and use deodorant because otherwise she will smell and people will find it unpleasant. She didn't mind me saying it, she knows it was said with love.
Why is your husband so angry?

We have this with my ds. He baths every day clean clothes every day but if he forgets about his deodorant we all know about it.
I’ve told him he needs to remember his deodorant as he can get a bit smelly, if we don’t tell him who else will!
Same as you I don’t want him getting bullied and also I think it’s important to teach them good hygiene habits for the rest of their life.

That’s absolutely y point. It’s a horrible conversation but ‘d rather it came from me than after bullying at school or anything else.

Yes it’s a horrible conversation to have but I provide everything to deal with the problem, deal with it now and now the conversation never needs to happen again

God my mum use to tell me all the time! In fact she would bring me my clothes and make me smell them to prove it! How times have changed everyone is too scared to say things now a days

My mum had this convo with me!!!

Sometimes beating about the bush don't cut it. I have got to the point, after trying to gently and diplomatically point out that perhaps it would be good if they had a shower, where I said, 'I love you honey, but you smell. Go have a shower, and go hard on the soap and shampoo'.

And if everyone is so bloody furious with you, ask them three questions. 1. Did she smell. 2. Did they ask her to do something about it. 3. If they didn't, how would they have done it, and why didn't they do it?

I guess most things depend on how you say it?
I've chatted about it with dd and hopefully in a light way that evry one goes through times of smelling more and less, at one point my trainers stunk! It's bacteria, I've got dd a special dettol soap.

Ie it doesn't have to be a horrible conversation I mean I I guess she knows all about hormones?

I’d rather tell my kids than them be the smelly kid at school being picked on.

AIBU to think it has to be a blunt conversation

YABU. It’s a conversation you have to have, but it doesn’t have to be “blunt” which is just an excuse for rudeness and being hurtful imho. You can have this conversation gently and with encouragement. The whole tone of how you blame her for being not “great at using the products in the shower” and saying she had a “bath” is quotes like she faked having a bath?! If she doesn’t know how to use products properly, that is bad parenting and your fault, not hers. And perhaps the products aren’t right for her hair and her body chemistry?

The only wrong thing here is why is your family against you? That makes no sense. If she smells, she smells and needs to learn to actually wash, and not just sit in bath (which is a young adult first version of a bath).
She may have arm pit hair? If so, think about shaving it, as it can retain smell.
And put tshirts in laundry, instead of getting back into them.
Also, why do children dislike deodorant? I cannot get this one. It smells nice. There is nothing wrong with the stuff.

She has been provided with her own deodorant that she chose in a lighthearted breezy conversation

Shampoo, conditioner and shower gel are abundant in our shower room

We also have a box in the bathroom full of new deodorant as my elder girls have a bit of a habit of not mentioning they need more until they have run out so there is a covered tub with a couple of roll ons (Dd2’s choice) and a couple of solids (dd1’s choice) and I also make sure I use it too so there is no stigma

It will be fine in a couple of days - DH just hates I’ve upset her but it is a quite brutal conversation. You actually need to wash properly.

Sorry dd3

My husband has just sniffed our 10 year olds hair, told him he smells and sent him for shower with a warning to actually use the shampoo. He will sniff test him again post shower. We also have a shower dodging teen who has been threatened with having his dad supervise washing if he doesn't do it properly. Also having battles over teeth and face washing. I'm super sensitive to BO and bad breath, I gag so yep the kids are vocally reminded.

I remember my mum telling me when I had to start using deodorant
I also remember her telling me maybe that one's not working for me and she'll get me another one
I don't remember being offended actually. I think cos I was growing up and not experienced in these things!

Yanbu, don’t we all have these conversations with our stinky kids?

Yep got to be done. And better at that age than later on.

Top tip though, if her hair is getting greasy a lot, check what shampoo and conditioner you are using.

If the shampoo has sulphates in, these can really strip hair of natural oils. This is then often matched out with conditioners with silicon in (often dimethicone) which make your hair appear shiny etc but actually are difficult to clean off, your hair can't absorb your natural oils so looks very greasy again very fast.

Switch to sulphate and silicon free, the difference is astonishing after a month or so.

I don't understand op, why it's brutal.

It's bacteria though so probably needs proper dettol soap for under arms.

Of course you need to tell her

There are ways though- were you kind?

When I say she has a “bath” - she loved a bath and uses loads of bubble bath and she loves it.

But when she has a bath she uses no shampoo or conditioner or soap or shower gel and today has proved that bubble bath (which she loves and has loads of) isn’t enough to get her “clean”.

She still neeeds to wash herself rather than just mermaiding around in a bubble bath as she isn’t coming out clean (her bestie drew on her arm with a whiteboard marker yesterday and after today’s bath the marker was still there)

Even my kids year 6 teacher have had chats with the class about washing and using deodorant at the start of the school year, as did the year 5 teacher the year before. They phrased it along the lines of growing up and bodies changing so its good manners to be wash, use deodorant and wear clean clothes in a warm classroom environment.