Just had to tell my 11 year old she has BO

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

My 11 year old DD smells. She does a lot of sport and our rule is “you come in from training, you go straight to the shower” but she isn’t great at using the products in the shower.

For someone that has a shower every day and on 4 days a week, 2 showers a day, she has very greasy hair.

She “had a bath” after training this morning as she preferred that to a shower. She landed on top of me an hour ago and I told her she needed to start using her deodorant every day and washing properly in her showers.

It’s a conversation I’ve had to have in lif with both her sisters and my mum has had to have with me.

So now everyone hates me, my husband has just rocked in from the pub and is furious with me…

I don’t want her to be bullied, and I know her periods will start soon (all our girls started around 11 in primary school) and she needs to know how to take care of herself through puberty and the reality is that you can’t be subtle about smelling and taking care of yourself.

Everyone is furious with me but AIBU to think it has to be a blunt conversation

That doesn't sound brutal. She'll be fine in a day or two. I remember my mother telling me I needed to wash my hair more carefully, around that age, because it was still greasy after showering. It might sting in the moment, but it's not the end of the world.

I'd be annoyed with your husband for not supporting you in this. I'd ask him if he'd like to have been the one to have this awkward conversation!

Doesn’t sound like it was a bad conversation. Had to be done. Everyone will calm down tomorrow, but remind your husband if he doesn’t like how you are having these conversations, then he can do it.

Just one point though, if she is washing her hair twice a day, it may be greasy because of over washing. Maybe her second shower can be from the neck down only or give her a shower cap.

I just tell my 11 year old DS that he smells of teenage boy and needs to go and get in the shower and wash his hair (he doesn’t have underarm BO but his hair smells bad after a day of sweat).

I had this conversation with both my sons. They need to be told if they smell because someone else will tell them and no doubt publicly to humiliate them in school.

I have made mine sniff their clothes so they can smell it for themselves. They started showering daily from year 5. They use soap on their pits and bits and then shower gel on the rest of their bodies. Also deodorant.

You can't parent from a worry of upsetting a child. Your Dh is being ridiculous.

Your DH should be backing you up and reinforcing that she needs to shower, not getting annoyed at you.

Also a previous poster mentioned polyester school uniforms getting smelly - they do seem to really keep any sweat smells even after washing, you may want to soak/ treat her clothes to get rid of any remaining sweat smell.

Does she wash her hair every time she showers? Over washing her hair will make it greasier so washing it every day and sometimes twice a day won’t be helping the situation if her hair is greasy. I’d reduce the hair washing to every 2-3 days.

You are being kind. I remember being terrified to go to the bathroom on my own because nobody else was upstairs (I was the youngest) and I was scared of intruders. I look back and really wish my mother, or somebody, had taken the time to make me wash properly. I looked grubby for years.

I'm still stuck on the fact that you use the deodorant so there's no 'stigma'. Don't you use it because you need it? Or is there some odd undercurrent where you think you don't smell but that everyone else smells?
I don't think bedtime is a good time to have difficult or blunt conversations. Everyone is over-tired and it's easy to slip into drama and emotions.
But YANBU to help your DD to ensure she washes properly and doesn't smell. YABU to approach it in a 'blunt' way that upsets her at bedtime.
Your DH is a whole other problem. Regardless of how blunt you were, I would not tolerate DH coming in from the pub and being 'furious' at me.

she doesnt use shampoo is anyone even reading properly

I had to have this conversation with my DD a few times. I was blunt, why wouldn’t I be? Not everything has to be delivered with a head tilt.

I have a soap dodging 12 year old dd who gets told she smells by me many times - she refuses to have more than 2 showers a week. She has deodorant but won’t use it. I’m hoping she’ll improve soon, your dd doesn’t sound like she’s doing too bad with the showering tbh!

My 12yr old has been aware since she was 9, primary school had termly chats to the class about deodorant in the PE kit, and she's always been sent for a shower post sport etc.
The BO on her is unreal but I don't want her using aluminium products nor anything that will block her pores. Finally found a product that works but will she put it on each day? Will she feck.
She forgets most days unless I threaten to supervise her getting dressed and days she hasn't worn it, I will tell her she stinks, and insist on a shower then and there. I don't beat around the bush when it comes to personal hygiene, especially when she's had BO for as long as she has.
Her hair gets greasy pretty quick but we don't use conditioner, so maybe I should be looking at sulfate free stuff 🤔

@PlanDeRaccordement

So now your DD being upset after a “blunt” and “brutal” conversation is a “tantrum”? You should at least feel bad about how you handled the conversation in a way that upset her.

Better a tantrum now and a frank conversation from her mother than bullying from her classmates. It sounds as if the softly softly approach had already been tried and, let’s face it, it is very difficult to broach the subject of BO tactfully.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I’ve upset her but it is a quite brutal conversation.

I think you need to improve your communication skills. There is no reason for it to have been brutal and to upset her.

This. I really don’t understand why it has to be brutal

@Comedycook

Tone of voice and delivery are everything here. I've had to say similar to my DC. I keep it really breezy and light hearted

This. We are at the stage now when I could say: you stink you need a shower. Everyone sweats and smells. I don't see the big deal.

I've never heard the term soap dodger til I read this and I'm laughing, it's so true for them at this age!
Many a time she's come out of the shower and I've asked did you wash your hair as well as its been dripping wet to be met with "No? The water just rinsed my body, that will do."
She's been marched back in and told to wash properly.
Logic is missing much of the time 🙄

i get it, i get really stinky... i cant use no soap even in a bubble bath because my armpits will still smell just as bad as before. i need to scrub with a decent soap even sometimes using a exfoliation type scrub and then a gel too. then i have to use a lot of deodrant. i wish my mum had drilled hygiene into me more as i learnt at quite a late age.

Either way children rely on us parents to guide them and teach them in life. your teaching your children and guiding them into being hygienic clean adults.

Yes better coming from you than being picked on at school!! Was your daughter upset with you saying it?
My parents never taught us to use deodorants, we did use body wash/soap when showering/bathing. I learnt about deodorant myself when I got to high school, I used it when I remembered, no one ever told me if I smelt so I have no idea if I did. I cringe in adulthood when I think about it, I perhaps was smelly and everyone was too polite to say otherwise, my parents may have not realised. I now overly spray perfume all over myself as I fear being smelly

It didn’t have to be a blunt conversation though, did it?!

Please be kind to her. My mother decided to have this conversation with me very loudly and bluntly in the middle of Woolworths. I’ve never ever forgotten how embarrassed I was and how sad it made me feel. It’s one of my worst childhood memories, as she was so unkind to me in that moment.

I told my son that if you smell in school you will never lose the label. I asked mum, dad and brother if they could remember the poor child that smelled. We could.
I was blunt. Nothing wrong with that. Far better than children chanting your name as the smelly kid.

If you think it's a brutal or difficult conversation then i really wonder what it is you said to her.

She'll know adults wear deodorant and have to wash or they'll smell. Just tell her it's time and to use soap and actively wash herself.

Of course you need to have the convo but maybe the products aren't working for her. We tried several deodorants for DD and switched from shower gel to soap as even daily showering wasn't enough when her hormones went into overdrive.
Greasy hair can also be product build up rather than sweat - try a clarifying shampoo and advise her to rinse thoroughly, especially if washing hair in the bath.

to be honest, i prefer people to tell me if i pong, as i cycle a bit and dont always realise how i pong.

She’ll be okay.