Just had to tell my 11 year old she has BO

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

My 11 year old DD smells. She does a lot of sport and our rule is “you come in from training, you go straight to the shower” but she isn’t great at using the products in the shower.

For someone that has a shower every day and on 4 days a week, 2 showers a day, she has very greasy hair.

She “had a bath” after training this morning as she preferred that to a shower. She landed on top of me an hour ago and I told her she needed to start using her deodorant every day and washing properly in her showers.

It’s a conversation I’ve had to have in lif with both her sisters and my mum has had to have with me.

So now everyone hates me, my husband has just rocked in from the pub and is furious with me…

I don’t want her to be bullied, and I know her periods will start soon (all our girls started around 11 in primary school) and she needs to know how to take care of herself through puberty and the reality is that you can’t be subtle about smelling and taking care of yourself.

Everyone is furious with me but AIBU to think it has to be a blunt conversation

Loved the 'mermaiding around'

You absolutely did the right thing - she needs to know before she becomes a target for bullying

So now your DD being upset after a “blunt” and “brutal” conversation is a “tantrum”? You should at least feel bad about how you handled the conversation in a way that upset her.

Well of course she needs to be told and possibly shown if she doesn't understand that sitting in bubbles doesn't remove dirt, dead skin and bacteria.

How does her father suggest it be addressed?

I think you can be kind but I also think that by 11 you would have already had a million conversations about how to actually wash when in the shower.

My Mum didn't have this conversation with me and I was bullied for it. I think you did the right thing, I wish my Mum had.

it’s all been passed to her as “as you grow up” and “as you become a big girl”…

It's all so significant and weird. I don't see why you can't be blunt and funny. It works with DD (who is 10). She comes over, I pretend to fall over gagging, "my eyes my eyes". She rolls hers then goes for a shower/bath. I shout "scrub like the queen's coming to visit". Then I generally grumble about how everyone in the house stinks.

Humour works.

@PlanDeRaccordement

So now your DD being upset after a “blunt” and “brutal” conversation is a “tantrum”? You should at least feel bad about how you handled the conversation in a way that upset her.

I had this conversation with my 10yr old DD - but to be fair she had noticed she was smelly and was embarrassed about it. We had a conversation about washing properly and I bought her some nuud deodorant. She is now really good at showering and the nuud is AMAZING. She doesn’t have to use it everyday, it has no harmful ingredients i.e aluminium and she has completely stopped smelling. My husband and I are now nuud converts too!

Being smelly is selfish and antisocial. She was being lazy and inconsiderate by failing to wash properly. It's too important to sugar coat this message. If you can't tell her how it is, then who?

@PurpleDaisies

I don’t think it had to be a blunt conversation. She was probably mortified.

This. It didn’t need to be a blunt and mean statement at all.

You could have instead worked on how you could teach your child how to properly wash. Sometimes they just need step by step instructions.

I was the evil SM for having the same conversation with both dss and dsd. My dd(8) is very sporty and already uses a cream deodorant some days especially over the summer when it was very warm.

I guess whether you were unreasonable or not depends on how you presented it. I think BO is something that needs to be handled gently rather than with a sledge hammer.

You haven't done anything wrong in telling her! It's your duty as her parent. I tell mine if she needs an extra wash, she asks me to check sometimes in case she can't smell herself properly! It's very important and I have no idea why people are cross with you.

DH is upset because Dd3 is upset. And I should have “not made her upset”.

All the subtle “presents of things” and “you would smell lovely if you used..” haven’t worked clearly

She gets wet in the shower but doesn’t use shampoo conditioner or shower gel

She prefers the bath and uses bubble bath but not shampoo conditioner or shower gel.

Despite the water meter/environmental impact etc we absolutely say all the time that she can have a bath as she mermaids around in the bath but at no point does any WASHING go on

*She may have arm pit hair? If so, think about shaving it, as it can retain smell.

Also, why do children dislike deodorant? I cannot get this one. It smells nice. There is nothing wrong with the stuff*

Armpit hair has nothing to do with it. Or the vast majority of men would stink. Funny how it only affects women .

Deodorant can be pretty yucky tbf. I can’t stand roll ons as they feel wet and sticky, aerosols have that back of the throat choky affect if you spray too much, and leave white patches. I finally found a stick deodorant I like, but it took a bit of trial and error.

O/p i second soap over shower gel. Shower gel doesn’t seem to get you properly clean, just leaves a vaguely fragranced coating.

As for her being upset, it depends how you handle it as a family. It isn’t unusual in ours for me to even tell dh he stinks and to go shower, after he’s been on his bike, so it’s pretty normal and noone takes offence.

I’m on the spectrum and really struggled with self care growing up. My mum bless her spent years trying to help me.
I’d suggest getting a really nice notebook and pen for her, tell her it’s for her daily tasks as she’s growing up and she’ll need to mark down when she gets her period when it starts, when sports fixtures are, homework etc (one day at a time is a good notebook)
Then the first few days ask if she’s filled out the to dos for the following day. Including shower/wash/deodorant etc
Make it a ‘now you’re growing up’ thing rather than ‘you stink’ thing.
Fwiw I told my 11 year old son his breath smells like death earlier

You've absolutely done the right thing. I've been through it with both of my dcs.
My personal opinion is it's far better for you to tell them than one of their friends.
Your DH needs to get a grip and realise that sometimes you have you have to be blunt with dcs or they don't get it.

I just tell my son he reeks and to get away from me until he’s had a shower, I can’t stand the smell 🤢

He then likes to try and rub his smell into my head/face, bloody little git 😂

Somebody needs to tell them as the smell from year 6 classes x 3 in my school is nasty. Parents should have the talk earlier than year 6 otherwise the non-smelly kids themselves will tell them .

Absolutely no reason for the topic to be difficult or awkward and embarrassing between parent and child.

I've never had to sit ds down and have a "conversation" but regularly tell him when he is whiffy, a good natured - ooofff, you are a bit ripe today - is enough to get the point across.

I tell my 15 year old regularly if she smells, I pretend to faint from the smell but apparently my sense of smell is keener than anyone else’s.

The kids aren’t helped by all the polyester school uniform either.

I’ve been having to have those conversations with my 11yo since she was 8, last year I let her know that she needed to be more diligent. We swapped from shower gel for her pits to soap, in fact, I buy Shield for her. She tries really hard with the shampoo but we’ve had to have some discussions about either not rinsing the conditioner out adequately, or not shampooing adequately (especially at the back underneath)

You do have to be clear with them as they have an amazing ability to not get it!

I have found that quite often in the bath my daughter does not actually wash with soap - just lies in the water and so still comes out smelling of BO. Just keep encouraging her to wash properly with soap.

I wish my mum had had this conversation with me.

I got a haircut (Victoria Beckham short cut) at around 12/13 that was impossible for me to style fresh out of the shower. So I just stopped showering for easily a week at a time.

I must have STUNK looking back. In the end a friend had a very subtle 'what would you do if a friend really smelled' conversation with me and then did exactly that. I was quietly mortified and it still haunts me now.

I wish my mum (or dad) had just marched me to the shower.

OP, your husband is being ridiculous. The two of you should be a team and drawing the same line. Personal hygiene is not optional for a teenager who is about to hit puberty.