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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just had to tell my 11 year old she has BO

118 replies

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 06/11/2021 20:44

My 11 year old DD smells. She does a lot of sport and our rule is “you come in from training, you go straight to the shower” but she isn’t great at using the products in the shower.

For someone that has a shower every day and on 4 days a week, 2 showers a day, she has very greasy hair.

She “had a bath” after training this morning as she preferred that to a shower. She landed on top of me an hour ago and I told her she needed to start using her deodorant every day and washing properly in her showers.

It’s a conversation I’ve had to have in lif with both her sisters and my mum has had to have with me.

So now everyone hates me, my husband has just rocked in from the pub and is furious with me…

I don’t want her to be bullied, and I know her periods will start soon (all our girls started around 11 in primary school) and she needs to know how to take care of herself through puberty and the reality is that you can’t be subtle about smelling and taking care of yourself.

Everyone is furious with me but AIBU to think it has to be a blunt conversation

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 06/11/2021 21:00

I’ve upset her but it is a quite brutal conversation.

I think you need to improve your communication skills. There is no reason for it to have been brutal and to upset her.

Crazycakelady17 · 06/11/2021 21:00

I had to have that with ds2 about 12/13 Bebe a issue with ds1,
DD is 12 but no we’re near puberty and does a a lot of sport too but she has 2 showers a day anyway
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind especially if you have tried the softly approach and it didn’t work

HolaAmigoz · 06/11/2021 21:02

My dd is 8 and in a sports academy. I have to be blunt with her because there’s been times she’s been in the shower for ages and still comes out with smelly pits. I often have to remind her to wash properly and put deodorant on. I don’t see anything wrong with that, rather me than someone at school.

Hankunamatata · 06/11/2021 21:02

@BathshebaKnickerStickers

When I say she has a “bath” - she loved a bath and uses loads of bubble bath and she loves it.

But when she has a bath she uses no shampoo or conditioner or soap or shower gel and today has proved that bubble bath (which she loves and has loads of) isn’t enough to get her “clean”.

She still neeeds to wash herself rather than just mermaiding around in a bubble bath as she isn’t coming out clean (her bestie drew on her arm with a whiteboard marker yesterday and after today’s bath the marker was still there)

Iv an 8 year old who does this. We now insist on shower afterwards with soap and shampoo.

Ds13 found soap stopped him being so smelly as showergel didnt seem to get rid of bo or made it come back quicker,

OneMoreForExtra · 06/11/2021 21:03

See I don't think 11 year olds necessarily have the same humiliation reaction as an adult would to being told this. For me it's under the 'Things to Learn" heading along with budgeting pocket money, not leaving your homework to the last minute and taking responsibility for mistakes. If it's treated under the adult heading of 'Embarrassing Inadequacies' then I can see why it would be more upsetting, so be careful not to project that.

I've talked to soon to be 11 DS about it lots of times, zero drama.

Me: oof! I smell onions! DS, did you remember your deodorant?
DS (inevitably) You didn't say I had to put it on TODAY / I don't know where it is / I did yesterday etc
Me: well, jump on the shower now, and try to remember it tomorrow

He also had very greasy hair despite washing it twice a week, until I asked him to show me how he does it; he demonstrated a perfect wash and has had silky clean hair ever since on pain of me supervising it again, the grubby little sod.

I hope your family calm down and you remind your daughter kindly until its second nature

DariaMorgendorffer · 06/11/2021 21:05

YANBU

Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 06/11/2021 21:07

Subtly providing body spray, deodorant and all the shower gel and shampoo I the world hasn’t worked - it’s all been passed to her as “as you grow up” and “as you become a big girl”…

I wasn’t brutal. It’s not th first time.

Today is was more blunt as in “You need to use deodorant properly every day”..

It was not “YOU SMELL AWFUL”. It was “You need to use your deodorant every day properly “ and then there was a tantrum and DH came in from the pub at that exact second

OP posts:
hellywelly3 · 06/11/2021 21:09

I had to have the conversation a few years ago with my DD. In fact I had to have the same conversation a few times. I found a lot of deodorants just didn’t seem to help. We found the Mitchum was the only one that didn’t make her smell. I think it’s something to do with teenage hormones more than sweat

DooBopDeeDeeBop · 06/11/2021 21:11

I've had to do this about three times now. Like you, I was gentle the first time but not the second. I'm her mother, if I don't tell her then who will? Mine is lazy. She was showering but not using soap. Then she ran out of deodorant and didn't go and get more from the cupboard.

HotPeppasauce2 · 06/11/2021 21:14

@Comedycook

Tone of voice and delivery are everything here. I've had to say similar to my DC. I keep it really breezy and light hearted
This
HerRoyalNotness · 06/11/2021 21:14

I’ve told my 11yo and explained it’s better to hear from your mum than your classmates. Still have to remind him to shower though.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 06/11/2021 21:16

As long as she's actually washing her underarms with soap and water and then rinsing well she shouldn't need Dettol soap should she? I agree it's the bacteria making the smell but you don't need to kill them, just wash them off I thought.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 06/11/2021 21:17

Yanbu I work with a 30 year older man who has bo and wet armpits so I'm glad these convos take place. We had to start telling our 8yo told shower every other day as well.

JudySmallweed · 06/11/2021 21:19

OP, I had the same conversation with all of mine. There comes a point where you have to be a bit more blunt.

Smartiepants79 · 06/11/2021 21:19

I’m totally with you here and I think your DH is being a bit of a useless wimp.
Sometimes difficult conversations have to be had.
I’ve had similar with my 11 year old several times over the last year or so. She’s gradually improving and getting better at remembering for herself but still needs a firm reminder now and again.
Basic self care is non-negotiable in this house.
I tell her no one wants to be with smelly people.

ffslifegodkarma · 06/11/2021 21:20

I was the smelly kid and I wish my mum had had the guts to do this for me.

I had a bath every night but I didn't know that I needed to wash in the morning too. I just didn't know. Years of clamping my arms down at my elbows in mortification and being afraid to wear my coat in case I was even slightly warm. It was horrible.

BakewellGin1 · 06/11/2021 21:21

I did the nice conversation with DS when he turned 10... He's now 13, plays a lot of sport and to be honest would avoid the bath if possible... So now gets the 'have a bath or you'll stink - remember to wash pits willy and butt Grin' luckily he doesn't take it to heart

Lorw · 06/11/2021 21:21

My mum didn’t teach me how to wash properly or good hygiene habits, never bought me deodorant or anything so even if I had a bath I didn’t know I had to wash too so I was the smelly kid and didn’t realise until I was bullied for it and couldn’t understand why until I actually got a lot older, even after I started my periods, that’s stuck with me for life and now I probably wash and shower too much, anyone who doesn’t teach and have that conversation with their child is neglectful IMO.

Don’t worry OP don’t think you’d have scarred her. 😁

GreyhoundG1rl · 06/11/2021 21:22

my husband has just rocked in from the pub and is furious with me…
Why?!

WimpoleHat · 06/11/2021 21:24

Needs must, OP - needs must! I end up doing this. “Have you had a shower? Have you used soap? Did the water go over your body?” Drives me mad; but far better we’re the ones to make them aware of it….

Ethelfromnumber73 · 06/11/2021 21:25

@PlanDeRaccordement

I’ve upset her but it is a quite brutal conversation.

I think you need to improve your communication skills. There is no reason for it to have been brutal and to upset her.

Agree. This can be done without the need to shame
Beautiful3 · 06/11/2021 21:28

If I wash with shower gel, I smell of bo later that day. I have to use soap on my armpits. It could be that? Ask her to try using a bar of soap instead.

whynotwhatknot · 06/11/2021 21:28

Tell your husband he now has to deal with the bullying then that will come because youre not allowed to tell her to wash propoerly

Yummymummy2020 · 06/11/2021 21:29

I think you are right. There was a girl in my class that smelled really bad right up through secondary. She always has very greasy hair and the reality is nobody wanted to sit beside her or be her partner in pe. I think if you can prevent your child being smelly by conversations like these it’s really important. Unless you were really awful which I don’t think you were, your husband is being a brat. End of the day he didn’t say a word!!!

pantsandpringles · 06/11/2021 21:30

My mum never gave me deodorant or bought any from me, or ever mentioned periods. What followed was trying to messily figure everything out for myself, ask her to please buy me a bra (which was fucking humiliating) and accusatory arguments about who had been using her deodorant / razors/ tampons. It was obvious that it was me, but I couldn't admit to it because she was never approachable enough to ask for those things, and as we lived with very little money I had no pocket money etc to buy any myself.

My little girl won't go through that and I'll be offering advice /products /conversations when needed. I think you did the right thing.