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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take my daughter to a house where someone has a criminal conviction

106 replies

Sofasogooood · 06/11/2021 13:13

I’ll try and keep this short (changing names to stop outing)

I have a childhood friend Jane, she has a 1 year old son. She lives with her mum and her step dad in the house with the little one.

I have a DD who’s 8 months so when we can Jane and I would meet up in her mums house for play dates with the kids - neither of us drive and neither does janes mum, however my mum drives and happens to be best friends with janes mum so it’s always been lovely the four of us with the kids.

Recently Janes brother Adam has moved back to the family home. He was living with his dad but was kicked out after the police turned up at his dads house and booted the door in with a search warrant for drugs.

Fast forward and Adam was pulled over on a ‘road trip’ with friends and subsequently was found to be in possession of drugs, he was charged and convicted had to pay multiple fines and I believe has a suspended sentence (can’t be too sure) and now has a criminal record for drugs,

Because of this I don’t want to bring my daughter over to Janes anymore. I just don’t feel comfortable with her being around him.

If it was a ‘fallen in with the wrong crowd but he’s usually so good’ then I’d be more understanding but this has been going on for years and until this point he was living in his dads so I never saw him anyway…

He has stashed drugs in his mothers house that his step dad found. His step dad phoned the police.

His mum has had to pay off drug dealers to stop him getting a beating (after the one they already gave him)

He’s constantly asking his mum and sister for money.

And he lied to an ex girlfriend, telling her his mum had cancer in an attempt to get her back.

Jane is a good friend and so is her mum, but am I being unreasonable to not want to bring my daughter over to their house anymore now that Janes brother is there too?

OP posts:
NataliaSerene · 06/11/2021 16:02

The voting is shocking! 50% of people find a house with drugs, police raids, dealers showing up to shake down a mother or else beat up her son to be no cause for concern?

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 06/11/2021 16:06

Of course they dont! They just enjoy appearing woke and forgiving.

Original poster
Sofasogooood · 06/11/2021 16:11

So now that I’m not completely overwhelmed I thought I’d post to clarify a few things.

My worry is by going there I’m now a target for unwanted attention from people I didn’t want to associate with - being Adams friends and potential dealers and takers.

As I stated in my OP if this was an unusual thing for Adam and it was a case of ‘wrong place wrong time’ I’d understand, but unfortunately it’s not, he’s continually lied to his mum about the ongoing situation.

A pp mentioned timeline. I haven’t seen Jane in a few months as her LO was unwell and then my DD was. So no, I have not been in the house since Adam has moved in. The whole thing could have been going on a long time, however Adam has lied to his mum each time something came up with the police.
His dad had his door kicked in ‘it wasn’t Adams fault he didn’t know anything.
Stopped by the police driving- ‘only his mates had drugs’ then it turned out he did have drugs on him. Then he said he hadn’t been arrested, turns out he had. Said he’d have no repercussions from the arrest and then his mum found out he was in court two days before the trial date. So he’s been lying the entire time.

I can’t lie I’m surprised at how many people have posted with the attitude of ‘it’s fine he won’t do anything’ or ‘it’s just drugs’
That’s honestly mad.
I don’t know if he’s taken anything, I could go over and Adam might not be there but he could come back to Janes with friends.
It’s so sad because I grew up with this lad and his sister, and I don’t believe a word he says.
He’s told his mum he’s not taking anything anymore etc which I don’t believe for a second.

I don’t want my daughter around that in any form. Because I don’t want the potential backlash I could get. I don’t want to be stopped in the street and be asked ‘where Adam is?’ And I just don’t want to me or my daughter to be around people that take drugs.

Thank you everyone for your input.
I bailed earlier because I got overwhelmed. (I have PPA)
I take everything on board so thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofasogooood · 06/11/2021 16:16

To clarify - he’s told his mum he’s not taking anything on her property anymore.
He goes to friends hoses to do whatever.

Adams mum drew the line at ‘having drugs in her house’ but then the step dad found drugs so again I don’t believe anything Adam says

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofasogooood · 06/11/2021 16:19

P.P.S
I should have changed the thread title as ‘criminal conviction’ is far to vague.

I should of said ‘drugs charge’ because the worry I have is surrounding the drugs /

  • the conviction is just highlighting how bad it’s gotten
OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 06/11/2021 16:25

"Any" criminal conviction is a bit of overkill I think. A lot of people have criminal convictions but end up being decent people. Obviously a sex offender or a domestic violence offender is a 'hell no' but other than that I deal with it on a case by case basis.

When DS1 was around a year old a friend moved in with a guy who dealt coke and weed (this was early '80s). I refused to take him there anymore, not so much because of the people he dealt to (mostly 'professional' types looking for their weekend 'toot') but out of the fear that the police would raid the place and there I'd be with my baby with drugs in the house (and probably in the room). I doubted that the police would listen to "Oh, I'm just here visiting my friend". And that's what I told her; that what her DP did was none of my business, but I wasn't going to expose myself to possible arrest and losing my child. I'd pull up and 'beep' for her and we'd go elsewhere for the day. If I had been worried about other dealers showing up being owed money or hard-core druggies showing up with their attendant behaviour I wouldn't have gone within a mile of the place.

In OP's case, no, I wouldn't go there. But just as with my friend, I'd explain it in as non-condemnatory language as I could.

ElsieMc · 06/11/2021 16:51

At least you have the choice whether to take your child there or not op. My gs was forced to contact with a father who had numerous convictions for violence and drugs offences.

He was even convicted of gbh whilst the contact order was in place and when the judge asked him to account for himself, he said loads of his mates saw their kids with drug and violence convictions. The Judge responded, not if I knew about it.

I agree with you op. There are wider reaching implications here - kids finding things they ought not to, visitors to the house, risk of violent confrontation outside your control. Just no.

Still1nLove · 06/11/2021 16:57

I wouldn’t take my child there.

My main concern would be if my child found any of his drugs and accidentally ingested them. What if something fell out of his coat pocket?

Don’t take the risk

Frauhubert · 06/11/2021 17:04

I am sure Adam probably doesn’t want you and your baby coming to his home either, so win win

Franca123 · 06/11/2021 17:05

I'm really surprised how many people are totally relaxed about this situation. I wouldn't take a child there personally. Who knows who might turn up whilst you're there? I always think that you need to keep good distance from people that sketchy as you never know what trouble they'll bring.

StillWeRise · 06/11/2021 17:05

Op your concerns are valid
Possession of a small amount for personal recreational use would not bother me but that's not what this is
I feel sorry for your friend and her mum, perhaps you not going there will give her mum more perspective (I mean enough to kick him out)

PixieLaLa · 06/11/2021 17:11

You sound very over the top but if you don’t feel comfortable taking your DC there then don’t, simple. Meet in public places or your house, doesn’t need to be a drama.

wizzywig · 06/11/2021 17:14

Probation are hopefully doing safeguarding checks with your friend to ensure she can keep her child safe

Tivolia · 06/11/2021 17:24

It all sounds like too much monkey business. If Adam’s been ‘catch of the day’ for police on a few occasions and is still active then it’s best to stay away. Can you host your friend at your place or meet up somewhere in between?

Chessie678 · 06/11/2021 17:35

11m people in the UK have a criminal record - so 1 in 6 or roughly 1 in 5 adults. The percentage amongst adult men is much higher. In the vast majority of cases you won't know if the people you meet in your daily life do or don't have one. So as a blanket statement it's difficult to say you won't go to the house of someone who has a criminal record. Clearly your choice who you associate with but I think your hesitancy about going to this person's house would be more about disapproval of Adam's actions than any real risk to your dd. Most people with criminal records pose very low or no risk to the general public.

Ilikenewbedding · 06/11/2021 17:46

Coming from someone who had to grow up around people who had drug issues and regularly saw police officers coming into the house to arrest people YANBU at all.
Of course not all drug users are bad people, but as parents it's up to us to follow our instincts and keep our babies safe.

SolasAnla · 06/11/2021 18:43

@Chessie678
11m people in the UK have a criminal record - so 1 in 6 or roughly 1 in 5 adults.

Where are these numbers from and how are these numbers calculated?

Chessie678 · 06/11/2021 18:54

@SolasAnla
The numbers are from unlock which is a charity which supports ex offenders. It’s generally a reputable source. Clearly there is a huge spectrum of criminal offences including some speeding offences so it isn’t that 11m have been convicted of a violent offence.

SolasAnla · 06/11/2021 19:10

@Chessie678

Thanks but how are they doing the maths?

If it's population by crimes it's ignoring Johnnie the career criminal who has 200+ convictions

Chessie678 · 06/11/2021 19:34

Unlock are certainly talking about separate people rather than number of offences and it’s a fairly widely quoted stat so probably has some basis to it. I can’t find a government source for that number but did find that there were 1.37m prosecutions in 2019 of which 87% were convicted. In the US around a third of men have a criminal record.

The op has her reasons for not wanting to go to this house in any case but I was just trying to make the point that criminal convictions are more common than most people think and most people probably know several people with one.

ThinWomansBrain · 06/11/2021 19:43

your daughter being there for an hour or so with 4/5 responsible adults - including you - your reatction seems a bit OTT

I wouldn't suggest her staying there without you for a coupleof weeks though.

SolasAnla · 06/11/2021 21:19

@Chessie678

Unlock are certainly talking about separate people rather than number of offences and it’s a fairly widely quoted stat so probably has some basis to it. I can’t find a government source for that number but did find that there were 1.37m prosecutions in 2019 of which 87% were convicted. In the US around a third of men have a criminal record.

The op has her reasons for not wanting to go to this house in any case but I was just trying to make the point that criminal convictions are more common than most people think and most people probably know several people with one.

Thanks Chessie678

I would be interested in the source as a widely quoted stat for suicide required the dead person to complete a questionnaire via a computer🤷🏼‍♀️

Wooky8 · 06/11/2021 21:33

Trust your instincts and protect your daughter and you feel best.

eastegg · 06/11/2021 21:36

Most aspects of this wouldn’t really bother me. I don’t think Adam himself is a danger to your daughter.

But the clincher for me would be the possibility of someone turning up at the door looking for Adam. So yes I would be uneasy for that reason alone.

HikingforScenery · 06/11/2021 21:45

I wouldn’t be comfortable with visiting a house like that. I’d arrange coffees somewhere else or for them to come to yours or your mum’s.