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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take my daughter to a house where someone has a criminal conviction

106 replies

Sofasogooood · 06/11/2021 13:13

I’ll try and keep this short (changing names to stop outing)

I have a childhood friend Jane, she has a 1 year old son. She lives with her mum and her step dad in the house with the little one.

I have a DD who’s 8 months so when we can Jane and I would meet up in her mums house for play dates with the kids - neither of us drive and neither does janes mum, however my mum drives and happens to be best friends with janes mum so it’s always been lovely the four of us with the kids.

Recently Janes brother Adam has moved back to the family home. He was living with his dad but was kicked out after the police turned up at his dads house and booted the door in with a search warrant for drugs.

Fast forward and Adam was pulled over on a ‘road trip’ with friends and subsequently was found to be in possession of drugs, he was charged and convicted had to pay multiple fines and I believe has a suspended sentence (can’t be too sure) and now has a criminal record for drugs,

Because of this I don’t want to bring my daughter over to Janes anymore. I just don’t feel comfortable with her being around him.

If it was a ‘fallen in with the wrong crowd but he’s usually so good’ then I’d be more understanding but this has been going on for years and until this point he was living in his dads so I never saw him anyway…

He has stashed drugs in his mothers house that his step dad found. His step dad phoned the police.

His mum has had to pay off drug dealers to stop him getting a beating (after the one they already gave him)

He’s constantly asking his mum and sister for money.

And he lied to an ex girlfriend, telling her his mum had cancer in an attempt to get her back.

Jane is a good friend and so is her mum, but am I being unreasonable to not want to bring my daughter over to their house anymore now that Janes brother is there too?

OP posts:
MLMshouldbeillegal · 06/11/2021 14:42

@Skyla2005

But what harm could come to you or your daughter because he does drugs i don't get it. Sorry but you are being way over the top
Hmm yes. Let's send DD to a house for a playdate where there's a scummy drug dealer hanging out, potentially with his scummy druggie mates. Let's show DD that drugs aren't a big deal, that we're so down with the kids that we condone the supply as well as the consumption. Let's not worry about his even scummier dealer mates paying him visits over unpaid debts. Hmm

Alternatively, you do what most rational parents do and steer your child towards friendships with children with non-druggie family members.

thepeopleversuswork · 06/11/2021 14:43

I wouldn’t rule out allowing my children any contact with anyone with a criminal conviction on a blanket basis: the circumstances are too varied to draw one general conclusion. There are so many crimes: child related offences would be a blanket ban but possession of small amounts of drugs is not something I believe people need to be permanently ostracised for. And people deserve to be able to move past crimes.

But it does sound in this instance like it’s not a nice or safe environment. Particularly if there are likely to be lots of drugs consumed on the premises and generally dodgy people around. Just not a positive environment for a kid to be in or positive role models.

lentilsforever · 06/11/2021 14:44

I wouldn’t want to be in that environment
Let alone my 8 month old

But will be even be around?

lentilsforever · 06/11/2021 14:45

* Let's send DD to a house for a playdate where there's a scummy drug dealer hanging out, potentially with his scummy druggie mates.*

If this is a possibility and Happens
Then social services should be informed that the friend’s baby is in this environment

TheLastLonelyBakedBean · 06/11/2021 14:47

The conviction wouldn't worry me, but I wouldn't feel comfortable being in a house where police might kick the door off, drug dealers might come to try and get money out of him using violent means, etc. I wouldn't be happy in that environment myself let alone with my DC with me. Can you meet somewhere else? Soft play centre? Park? Cafe?

CuriousBogInTheNight · 06/11/2021 14:47

You are not being "silly" at all. The posters who think you are need to have a long hard think about their standards of parenting.

ancientgran · 06/11/2021 14:52

@SammyScrounge

Police might raid. Strange people might hang around, some his friends, some not. The house might smell of the stuff. No, even a baby goes nowhere near druggies. Invite your friends to your place
Police raids are usually early, catching people in bed means less change of them being out or being violent, take them by surprise sort of thing. Well that was how it happened when I worked for the police.

If it's still the same they'd be there before you got there. I don't know about his druggie mates, I don't know their timetables.

SolasAnla · 06/11/2021 14:54

@Skyla2005

But what harm could come to you or your daughter because he does drugs i don't get it. Sorry but you are being way over the top
Lad got up one day to go to work and did not make it home.

It was one the media reports home attacked occupant known to the police.

The job was simple one in a private house.
He was dead within 5 minutes of entering the home.
Unfortunately for him the killer who was paid to shoot the drug dealer in bed in the house decided that a dead tradesman was better than a living witness.

thepeopleversuswork · 06/11/2021 14:55

@ancientgran

That’s splitting hairs a bit isn’t it though. Chances of being caught in a police raid are fairly minimal. It’s all the low lifes wandering around in the house that would worry me. I just wouldn’t want my kids around people like that.

Wineandroses3 · 06/11/2021 14:57

No way would I take my child there. Don’t have any association with drug houses - I know the parents and the daughter are decent and it’s a shame for them but always put your daughter as number 1 priority. Probably wouldn’t happen but it could happen that police turn up do a raid, brick through the window, dealers turn up whilst your there. Police can also covertly monitor people going in and leaving houses where drugs have been found, I just wouldn’t want anything g to do with it. YANBU 100 percent I wouldn’t take your daughter anywhere near.

Beautiful3 · 06/11/2021 14:58

I agree with you completely. Of course I would stop sending my daughter there. If bad people are after him then it's poses a risk to your child. They could snatch your child for a random or your child could discover sweeties somewhere in the house/jacket pocket. It's not worth the risk.

ancientgran · 06/11/2021 15:00

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@ancientgran

That’s splitting hairs a bit isn’t it though. Chances of being caught in a police raid are fairly minimal. It’s all the low lifes wandering around in the house that would worry me. I just wouldn’t want my kids around people like that.[/quote]
That's why I said I didn't know what times his druggie mates would visit. I was clarifying the point about police raids.

lentilsforever · 06/11/2021 15:03

I’m curious about the timeline

He must have moved in quite a few months ago if he was forced to move in after a drug raid at his dad’s but since then

**He was living with his dad but was kicked out after the police turned up at his dads house and booted the door in with a search warrant for drugs.

Fast forward and Adam was pulled over on a ‘road trip’ with friends and subsequently was found to be in possession of drugs, he was charged and convicted had to pay multiple fines and I believe has a suspended sentence (can’t be too sure) and now has a criminal record for drugs,

The legal system for such offends is months behind. Even in normal times the above would have taken months. More than 8 months in all likelihood.

So you’ve been around there presumably with him there and the baby.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 06/11/2021 15:03

Even without the conviction i wouldnt be going.

Actually surprised so many mumsnetters who wouldn't set foot in Primark or Aldi have no issue with having afternoon tea with a drug user and dealer. Hmm

TotallySuper · 06/11/2021 15:04

@PinkiOcelot

What do you think he’s going to do to your daughter? He’s hardly going to give her a spliff!
But he might leave drugs out and she might take something by accident. She might be there when one of these dealers comes knocking trying to beat him up etc - lots of things could happen with someone like that living there so that's a silly comment really.

OP YANBU

deenar · 06/11/2021 15:07

I don't think you are being silly or over reacting.
This sounds like my kids' Dad who they have zero contact with.
No sensible human would want their kids around a house where they could potentially pick up drugs (could fall out a pocket) or if there was a chance angry drug dealers might come looking for money.

RunningScarabbed · 06/11/2021 15:09

I wouldn't want to risk being around him myself, tbh. I might not tell Jane that, depending on how you think she'd take it, but you can suggest meeting at other places or hosting her (and her mother, if you like) at your home.

If he's had people coming around to beat him up, I'm sorry, but that sounds like a potentially dangerous situation. I'd rather offend than take unnecessary risk. I choose not to associate with people who I know use or deal drugs. Horribly snobbish of me, but there you go! We all have our vices. Some people use drugs, others are snobs! Hmm

Mandy63l · 06/11/2021 15:09

I, regrettably, have a criminal conviction from my past. I would very much hope that none of my families friends would feel uncomfortable about their children being around me as a result - the conviction is not relevant to children, and in fact despite the conviction I have spent time as a youth worker.

YABU

RunningScarabbed · 06/11/2021 15:12

A recovered drug-user is different, obviously. It doesn't sound like OP's friend's brother has stopped using, at all.

lentilsforever · 06/11/2021 15:12

@Mandy63l

I, regrettably, have a criminal conviction from my past. I would very much hope that none of my families friends would feel uncomfortable about their children being around me as a result - the conviction is not relevant to children, and in fact despite the conviction I have spent time as a youth worker.

YABU

I read this And I wonder whether the poster actually bothered to read the entire OP

Very recent
Drugs
Police kicking in doors
Drugs stashed at the property
Drug dealers paid off to avoid violence

Wineandroses3 · 06/11/2021 15:13

@Mandy63l

I, regrettably, have a criminal conviction from my past. I would very much hope that none of my families friends would feel uncomfortable about their children being around me as a result - the conviction is not relevant to children, and in fact despite the conviction I have spent time as a youth worker.

YABU

This is not even remotely comparable the the OPs situation. She is concerned about taking her child to a house the is associated with drugs and drug dealing. She is absolutely not being unreasonable in any way , shape or form.
lentilsforever · 06/11/2021 15:20

@Mandy63l

To have worked as a youth worker
You would have had to have had an enhanced dbs check

You think this stellar young man would pass?

Babyroobs · 06/11/2021 15:22

I can't understand what risk he would pose to your 8 month old DD as long as there's no drugs lying around. If she were a teenager or something I could understand it more.

Sn0tnose · 06/11/2021 15:39

the conviction is not relevant to children

His continuing behaviour, however, is.

TrickyD · 06/11/2021 15:40

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@ancientgran

That’s splitting hairs a bit isn’t it though. Chances of being caught in a police raid are fairly minimal. It’s all the low lifes wandering around in the house that would worry me. I just wouldn’t want my kids around people like that.[/quote]
Exactly, ancientgran.

I wouldn’t want my grandkids mixed up with those types and wouldn’t want to be anywhere near them myself.