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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take my daughter to a house where someone has a criminal conviction

106 replies

Sofasogooood · 06/11/2021 13:13

I’ll try and keep this short (changing names to stop outing)

I have a childhood friend Jane, she has a 1 year old son. She lives with her mum and her step dad in the house with the little one.

I have a DD who’s 8 months so when we can Jane and I would meet up in her mums house for play dates with the kids - neither of us drive and neither does janes mum, however my mum drives and happens to be best friends with janes mum so it’s always been lovely the four of us with the kids.

Recently Janes brother Adam has moved back to the family home. He was living with his dad but was kicked out after the police turned up at his dads house and booted the door in with a search warrant for drugs.

Fast forward and Adam was pulled over on a ‘road trip’ with friends and subsequently was found to be in possession of drugs, he was charged and convicted had to pay multiple fines and I believe has a suspended sentence (can’t be too sure) and now has a criminal record for drugs,

Because of this I don’t want to bring my daughter over to Janes anymore. I just don’t feel comfortable with her being around him.

If it was a ‘fallen in with the wrong crowd but he’s usually so good’ then I’d be more understanding but this has been going on for years and until this point he was living in his dads so I never saw him anyway…

He has stashed drugs in his mothers house that his step dad found. His step dad phoned the police.

His mum has had to pay off drug dealers to stop him getting a beating (after the one they already gave him)

He’s constantly asking his mum and sister for money.

And he lied to an ex girlfriend, telling her his mum had cancer in an attempt to get her back.

Jane is a good friend and so is her mum, but am I being unreasonable to not want to bring my daughter over to their house anymore now that Janes brother is there too?

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 06/11/2021 13:16

What do you think he’s going to do to your daughter? He’s hardly going to give her a spliff!

SmellyLikeABlew · 06/11/2021 13:19

I wouldn't take her there!

Tiddlypompadour · 06/11/2021 13:20

Sounds like a pretty grim environment for her to be in, especially if he stashed gear there. You don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Can they come to yours instead?

LakeShoreD · 06/11/2021 13:22

I’d be surprised if you even see more than a glimpse of him because I doubt he’s much interested in mums coffee morning/play date chat. I really don’t understand the issue given your child is a baby and not a teenager.

TwinklyBranch · 06/11/2021 13:26

You're being a bit ridiculous. I doubt he's going to want to join in with the play date!

Sn0tnose · 06/11/2021 13:28

@PinkiOcelot

What do you think he’s going to do to your daughter? He’s hardly going to give her a spliff!
Yeah, because that would be the only possible thing she has to worry about, whether or not he’s likely to offer to share his drugs with a toddler 🙄

Never mind the police kicking in the door again and frightening the life out of her DD. Never mind the danger of any of the DC coming across his stash and putting anything in their mouths (because the police don’t boot your door in for a little bit of weed for personal use only, do they?). Never mind the possibility of him having upset any more dealers who know where his mum lives.

NuffSaidSam · 06/11/2021 13:31

I think you are being a bit silly tbh.

He's unlikely to get involved in the playdate and I can't see how your DD would be in any danger from him/his drugs.

What do you fear could happen?

Yogawankonobi · 06/11/2021 13:33

Couldn’t you all go out for coffee? Go to yours?

It’s all a bit ‘involved’.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/11/2021 13:37

I would take a child to a house where someone had a criminal conviction if it was unrelated to children or I didnt think the child was in danger of say being attacked.

However I wouldn't really want to take a child to a house where there may be drugs stashed. It's not unheard of for people to stash drugs in kids things as they think they will be less likely to be searched etc and I don't think it's worth the risk of kids stumbling across them. My kids have found stuff they shouldn't (like christmas presents that weve hidden) through playing.

If you were in the room with them watching them all the time then it's probably ok but if they like running over the house playing hide and seek etc then no

Coulddowithanap · 06/11/2021 13:38

He probably doesn't want to be there with a couple of babies anyway. It's not like you are getting him to babysit your child.

icedcoffees · 06/11/2021 13:40

I think you're massively overreacting.

Your daughter is a baby so she's not going to be there unattended or out of your sight anyway, so what do you think is going to happen?

2bazookas · 06/11/2021 13:40

You're being precious and ridiculous and virtue-signalling.

You Jane and her mother are always present. So Adam is absolutely ZERO risk to your daughter.

Get over yourself.

icedcoffees · 06/11/2021 13:41

If you were in the room with them watching them all the time then it's probably ok but if they like running over the house playing hide and seek etc then no

OP's daughter is eight months old! She won't be running anywhere Wink

Comedycook · 06/11/2021 13:43

The term criminal conviction will encompass a huge range of crimes ranging from child trafficking and murder to tax evasion and fraud... therefore I find your thread title a bit silly. But regardless it's up to you who you deem fit to be around your DC.

Original poster
Sofasogooood · 06/11/2021 13:43

Thanks everyone. And no I’m not worried about him giving a solid to by daughter 🙄

It’s more the fact that the people he’s involved with know his mum, know both his addresses and it makes me uncomfortable taking my 8 month old there since police are involved as well as people that clearly don’t mind beating him up over money and getting it from his mum.

OP posts:
SammyScrounge · 06/11/2021 13:45

Police might raid. Strange people might hang around, some his friends, some not. The house might smell of the stuff. No, even a baby goes nowhere near druggies. Invite your friends to your place

saraclara · 06/11/2021 13:45

So Jane, her mother and her baby all have to pay for giving him a roof over his head? That's ridiculously unfair, when you and Jane are going to be present all the time, and your child is a baby.

Seriously, what on earth risk do you think he is to your child under these conditions? You sound incredibly judgy and devoid of sensible risk assessment.

Original poster
Sofasogooood · 06/11/2021 13:45

Bloody auto correct splif

I think I forget how brutal AIBU can be so I’m going to leave this thread here and ‘get over myself’ ta-ra!

OP posts:
WomanStanleyWoman · 06/11/2021 13:47

@LakeShoreD

I’d be surprised if you even see more than a glimpse of him because I doubt he’s much interested in mums coffee morning/play date chat. I really don’t understand the issue given your child is a baby and not a teenager.
This is it in a nutshell.

He got a suspended sentence; he’s not a lifer given parole in controversial circumstances. He probably won’t even be on the house when you’re there.

It sounds like your and your mum have some good friendships in place here. Nothing is more likely to ruin that than you saying ‘Soz Mama Jane; we don’t want to be around your junkie son. Love to catch up for a Costa though.’

MolkosTeenageAngst · 06/11/2021 13:47

I could understand if he was a violent offender, had been charged with sex-offences or another crime which meant he was a potential risk to you and your DD but considering his charge is for drug-related offences I can’t see him being a risk to you and your DD of you visit the house occasionally. You’re not going to be leaving your DD unsupervised, your friend and her mum will be around and realistically it’s not likely he’ll have anything to do with you. Your DD will be of no interest to him, he’s not going to be trying to deal to her and it doesn’t sound like the other household members are tolerating the drug use so I wouldn’t expect him to be shooting up in the living room or whatever. Your friend has a child living in the house with him, if you trust your friend and get mum presumably you can trust them not to be leaving her DS at risk so I don’t know what risk you think your DD would come to?

WomanStanleyWoman · 06/11/2021 13:48

@Sofasogooood

Bloody auto correct splif

I think I forget how brutal AIBU can be so I’m going to leave this thread here and ‘get over myself’ ta-ra!

I can’t imagine why anyone thought you were overdramatic…
BoredZelda · 06/11/2021 13:49

We don’t really need names to keep track of everyone, we’re pretty good at working things out.

I don’t think anyone believes you have to take your child anywhere you think is unsafe.

Popetthetreehugger · 06/11/2021 13:50

This isn’t in isolation though is it ? The likelihood of him being surrounded with lowlifes popping by would be enough to stop me , that said , I won’t let my grandchildren eat grapes on my watch so I’m a bit risk adverse !

Workissue123 · 06/11/2021 13:50

Criminal conviction alone probably fine depending on what it was in connection to. It shouldn't affect your life in any way.

Being in a home where people he's upset are potentially going to turn up - not so comfortable bringing a child into that situation.

Spandang · 06/11/2021 13:52

@Sofasogooood I’m with you.

My step children spent time in their grandparent’s home, a member of her family was in prison on drugs charges.

She got a brick through the window. While the kids were there sleeping there.

More worryingly, because they have normalised and made excuses for it for some time, they don’t see the issue. It’s normal for them and so they don’t phone the police, they don’t think ‘actually I need to protect the kids’.

So I wouldn’t do it, it’s not just that he’s probably on probation it’s that someone is accepting that behaviour coming into their lives. That’s their choice.