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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take my daughter to a house where someone has a criminal conviction

106 replies

Sofasogooood · 06/11/2021 13:13

I’ll try and keep this short (changing names to stop outing)

I have a childhood friend Jane, she has a 1 year old son. She lives with her mum and her step dad in the house with the little one.

I have a DD who’s 8 months so when we can Jane and I would meet up in her mums house for play dates with the kids - neither of us drive and neither does janes mum, however my mum drives and happens to be best friends with janes mum so it’s always been lovely the four of us with the kids.

Recently Janes brother Adam has moved back to the family home. He was living with his dad but was kicked out after the police turned up at his dads house and booted the door in with a search warrant for drugs.

Fast forward and Adam was pulled over on a ‘road trip’ with friends and subsequently was found to be in possession of drugs, he was charged and convicted had to pay multiple fines and I believe has a suspended sentence (can’t be too sure) and now has a criminal record for drugs,

Because of this I don’t want to bring my daughter over to Janes anymore. I just don’t feel comfortable with her being around him.

If it was a ‘fallen in with the wrong crowd but he’s usually so good’ then I’d be more understanding but this has been going on for years and until this point he was living in his dads so I never saw him anyway…

He has stashed drugs in his mothers house that his step dad found. His step dad phoned the police.

His mum has had to pay off drug dealers to stop him getting a beating (after the one they already gave him)

He’s constantly asking his mum and sister for money.

And he lied to an ex girlfriend, telling her his mum had cancer in an attempt to get her back.

Jane is a good friend and so is her mum, but am I being unreasonable to not want to bring my daughter over to their house anymore now that Janes brother is there too?

OP posts:
OverByYer · 06/11/2021 13:52

I agree OP. If he owes money for drug debts , god knows who could turn up at the address, possibly even armed.

TSSDNCOP · 06/11/2021 13:53

+I think I forget how brutal AIBU can be so I’m going to leave this thread here and ‘get over myself’ ta-ra!*

39 minutes, is that an AIBU PB?

Lovesicecreams · 06/11/2021 13:54

I totally agree with you op - I wouldn’t be happy with this either

JKDinomum · 06/11/2021 13:56

I would be concerned about bringing a child into a house where there are potentially drugs stashed and also somewhere where there's a chance of drug dealing friends or enemies, or the police bursting in.

Having said that I have allowed my 11 year old to go to a friend's house whose parents are definitely questionable (child normally lives with grandparents due to issues with parents). Even at that age I was nervous let alone a small child.

Cantfindausernamethatsnottaken · 06/11/2021 13:57

I dont think you are over reacting ,I would not take a baby anywhere near him.If you do,make sure your phone and purse are never left unattended.

Capricornqueen86 · 06/11/2021 13:59

No your not being unreasonable, do not take her there. So many risks involved here, what if your daughter accidentally swallowed drugs which were lying around somewhere. The fact that you know he is involved with drugs means you have to safeguard your child in case the unthinkable happens. Meet your friend at your house, park, coffee shop etc.

insancerre · 06/11/2021 14:00

Lots of people you and your dd come into contact with will have criminal convictions that you don’t know about
Some will be doing drugs but just haven’t been caught
I live in a very affluent area and drugs use is rife, not just amongst the bored teenagers but also their so called professional parents
But, your child, your call

TractorAndHeadphones · 06/11/2021 14:02

YANBU if the crowd he's involved with are likely to show up at his house. that's the problem rather than the criminal conviction itself.

They should kick him out

Franca123 · 06/11/2021 14:02

I'd follow my instinct on this one personally.

TractorAndHeadphones · 06/11/2021 14:03

@insancerre

Lots of people you and your dd come into contact with will have criminal convictions that you don’t know about Some will be doing drugs but just haven’t been caught I live in a very affluent area and drugs use is rife, not just amongst the bored teenagers but also their so called professional parents But, your child, your call
The OP's problem is that he owes money really and the creditors could turn up at any time

Not the conviction itself

OP could have been better worded really

5128gap · 06/11/2021 14:05

It depends I think. If he's just some daft kid in a small town who isn't paying his bills, I would continue to visit, on the basis the risk to my baby was negligible. However if its anyway gang related or its a environment where guns and knives are part of the culture, id obviously stay well away.

Thatsplentyjack · 06/11/2021 14:05

Well your dd isn't going there for a play date with him, and I doubt she will be rummaging through his belongings so what are you worried about?

TrevorFountain · 06/11/2021 14:06

Yeah, because that would be the only possible thing she has to worry about, whether or not he’s likely to offer to share his drugs with a toddler 🙄

Never mind the police kicking in the door again and frightening the life out of her DD. Never mind the danger of any of the DC coming across his stash and putting anything in their mouths (because the police don’t boot your door in for a little bit of weed for personal use only, do they?). Never mind the possibility of him having upset any more dealers who know where his mum lives.

My experience of drug users who also deal (various crappy neighbours over the years in a previous town) is not only this ^^ but also that they will target anyone decent they meet as a soft touch to borrow money from, even turning up at your house with a sob story, maybe asking for something to eat or to borrow your phone. Anyone 'nice' will be asked for money, manipulated, stolen from and used.

Do NOT get involved in any way whatsoever. This is a total bargepole situation.

I feel sorry for your friend and her mum, but it's not your circus.

rwalker · 06/11/2021 14:06

I would go and TBH think you are being ridiculous . But it's a personal decision if your not happy don't go it really is just up to you .

Sn0tnose · 06/11/2021 14:08

@insancerre

Lots of people you and your dd come into contact with will have criminal convictions that you don’t know about Some will be doing drugs but just haven’t been caught I live in a very affluent area and drugs use is rife, not just amongst the bored teenagers but also their so called professional parents But, your child, your call
This actually made me laugh out loud! How many of these professional middle class parents will have dealers banging on their door? How many of them will be raided by the police?

Some of you are either really bloody naive or you have absolutely no idea what it’s like living around addicts and street level dealers. I’m surrounded by the fuckers. I wouldn’t take a goldfish into that environment, no matter how lovely the rest of his family were. Never in a million years would I take a child into it.

Do you think the police knock nicely and only kick the door in if they get no answer? Do you think unpaid dealers say ‘oh I’m terribly sorry to interrupt, I’ll come back later after your visitors have left’? The danger isn’t from Adam (unless he’s hidden his drugs at toddler level), it’s from everything that comes with taking and dealing. And if the police have kicked his door down, then he will be dealing. And if you’d willingly take your kids into that environment, you need your heads looking at.

MLMshouldbeillegal · 06/11/2021 14:16

No way would my child be going round that house, where the adults think dealing and having drugs in the house, getting suspended sentences and having the police booting down your door is normal and just something you get on with.

That is not normal in my world and not a world I would want my child exposed to.

Nocutenamesleft · 06/11/2021 14:17

@Sofasogooood

Bloody auto correct splif

I think I forget how brutal AIBU can be so I’m going to leave this thread here and ‘get over myself’ ta-ra!

Well that was quick!
IhateMondaymornings · 06/11/2021 14:21

Some people are a little naive about the potential risk. Risk of him having stashed drugs around the house that may be happened upon accident, his friends turning up who may be under the influence of drugs, him being under the influence of drugs and behaving unpredictably. Him owing money and dealers turning up for money. They won't be asking him for it if they see someone else at the house. Anyone would be made to pay up, even if it involves driving you to a cash point at knifepoint. Just to name a few.

SolasAnla · 06/11/2021 14:25

Got to love the attitude that it's only a drug dealer.

Drug dealers in affluent areas are as much at risk of getting shot / stabbed / bet as one in working class areas.

Knowing where this drug dealer lives would be very helpful to people planning violence.

At home, in the pub, at the gym, driving in a car, outside a school after walking their child to school are some of the places drug dealers have ended up being killed.

Wrong place wrong time Is not much consolation if you or your child end up being harmed.

DaisyandSimeon · 06/11/2021 14:26

Its unlikely there willbe any issues, like a drugs raid, while you are there, but it is your choice where you take your DD and if you are not comfortable then don't do it. Try to organise a different venue?

AnotherMansCause · 06/11/2021 14:29

You don't know who might come round, whether that's to buy/sell drugs, beat him up, or to arrest him again.
You don't know that the drugs are stashed safely out of your child's reach. We are all told to keep medicines, dishwasher tabs etc where our DCs can't get them... I don't imagine his stash will be in childproof containers on a high shelf.
You don't know if there may be needles etc.
You don't know what else he may be into. He doesn't sound like a particularly upstanding citizen TBH.

Anyone who would be happy with this situation has very little idea of the risks involved, or doesn't care.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/11/2021 14:30

They need your friendship right now
Not to be shunned because they have a bad egg
Who is unlikely to be a material risk to your DD

Ya BU

Skyla2005 · 06/11/2021 14:34

But what harm could come to you or your daughter because he does drugs i don't get it. Sorry but you are being way over the top

x2boys · 06/11/2021 14:35

Well you don't have to take your child anywhere ,but I think your being a bit ridiculous and making his stiuation all about you ,it has little bearing on your life .

Moonwatcher1234 · 06/11/2021 14:36

I’m with you OP. How many stories have there been of children finding and consuming drugs in a property. If he has form for doing it then I wouldn’t consider it. Nobody ever means for anything like that to happen but why put your child in a situation where it could.