MIL's First Visit

[Lulu1027]

My mother-in-law is visiting to meet my newborn son for the first time and, ostensibly, to help care for him. She's a kind woman, and we've always been friends, but I've become infuriated by her carelessness and lack of self-awareness. Here are a few examples:

-She keeps falling asleep while holding the baby during the daytime. Not dosing, but fully unconscious. I am doing the night shift, so she's sleeping 8 hours a night. Nevertheless, she said that "holding the baby is her favorite way to nap." This strikes me as unsafe, and is, therefore, no help to me. When I'm meant to be doing chores or resting myself I end up keeping an eye on her to make sure she doesn't drop the baby. When I nicely asked her to stop doing this because I feel it's unsafe she was incredibly hurt, started crying, and said she didn't like my tone.

-Due to a tongue tie, the baby is bottle-fed, with half formula/half pumped breastmilk. MIL offered to make the baby's formula bottles and DH and I both repeatedly told her the appropriate ratio of water to powder. It's also printed on the can. Later that day it became apparent that she had mistakenly diluted the bottles. As a result, he was not getting enough calories had loose stools from excess water intake.

-We went to the local fire station for a car seat installation check. While there, MIL recounted that she once accidentally put a car seat holding her infant son (my DH) on the roof of her car and forgot about it before driving off. The car seat tumbled to the ground but thankfully the baby was alright. She told this story as if it were a funny anecdote.

-The piece-de-resistance. She accidentally turned off our furnace, having mistaken the plainly marked furnace switch for a regular light switch. It has a bright red switch plate that reads "oil burner, emergency only." Before I knew the furnace was off, the baby awoke screaming and freezing cold. I spent a freezing sleepless night rocking him in a blanket trying to keep him warm. The next morning, upon learning that the heat was out my MIL commented that we have "strange switches in this house" and I immediately knew what had happened. Up until MIL's visit the baby has had a consistent sleep schedule, but since the furnace incident he has barely slept, night or day. I've now been awake for 48 hours, while she's sleeping soundly downstairs.

She then had the audacity to comment that I'm spoiling him by rocking him at night. He's clearly distressed because she starved and froze him!

This is a bit of a rant, but I'm also looking for some validation. AIBU to be completely fed up? All this "help" is making me more exhausted than before she arrived. Any advice on how to proceed?

She needs to get the fuck out your house. I love my MIL but I can’t imagine anything worse than her being there at this time - she goes your husband steps up

@Notaroadrunner " It's all very well for him being back at work and not having to host his mother."

This. I can't tell you how many times he's left me to host his relatives while he runs off to work. We've talked about it many times but he never really gets the picture. All well-meaning but completely obnoxious.

Don’t take this the wrong way but yes your going to be short on sleep but you manage . Her help would be so appreciated filling your freezer with food, making sure you’ve got everything and leaving you too it. Sleep deprivation doesn’t last forever hopefully and the quicker you know what your baby needs the better. We were lucky my lad slept through from 6 weeks- ok not a perfect science but we quickly adapted to the waking up etc. Time for mother in law to leave but your so grateful and she’s literally a phone call away...

I agree with LivingLaVida. This is a hill you need to die on. It's a problem that she took offense to being told it's unsafe to nap while holding the baby, and that your husband then failed to back you up and they agreed you are the unreasonable one. (The other things are not great either.) That means you can't trust either of them to put the baby's safety over MIL's ego. You are the mother and ultimately the baby's safety is your responsibility, so feel strong in yourself and don't feel guilty about enforcing those boundaries.

@AnCailleachOiche "You're Definitely not mad."

Thank you. I'm grateful for your objective opinion. Over the years, they've consistently made me feel that I'm an unreasonable, type-A perfectionist. I've also been perceived as hoity toity aka having impossible standards. Admittedly, I'm cautious and conscientious by nature whereas DH's family are lackadaisical. As such, I try to be self-aware, but, these issues just seemed like basic safety to me. And I don't think I'm nuts to believe the baby was affected by the mishaps, which in turn made my life more difficult. He's back to his usual self today and is happily napping in his crib.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower I hear you, but I already feel like I overreacted yesterday when we had it out. When I had previously asked her not to nap holding the baby I was calm and measured. I feel confident that I handled that situation appropriately. Regardless, she ended up in floods of tears, which was an overreaction on her part. After another miserable night with an unhappy baby (which I felt was due to the mishaps) I was pretty mean. I basically took the baby off her and said he was fine until she froze him. Pandemonium ensued with us throwing insults back and forth. Very unproductive and I feel guilty. Although it's been like having Mr. Magoo come to visit, she meant well and has been very loving with the baby. As pp have identified, I should have perceived that this would be a purely social visit, and was not, as I had been led to believe, an opportunity for her to meet the baby and for me to get a little extra rest and time to do housework.

@RudestLittleMadam "And I beg to differ with the person who’s called OP pfb because she’s upset her baby had a bad stomach due to badly mixed formula. I’ve had 2 colicky newborns and it’s very distressing watching them suffer. I can totally understand being pissed off when your baby is suffering because someone who’s supposed to love them is wilfully stupid."

This. Thank you. It was very distressing. He cried himself hoarse for two days. Neither MIL or DH are willing to admit it could be because of the formula or cold. According to them, that's a correlation that's been produced by my unreasonable, unhinged mind.

@Fredstheteds "Don’t take this the wrong way but yes your going to be short on sleep but you manage."

Thank you. I think a little confidence in my capabilities will go a long way.

You know, @Lulu1027, whilst you are being reasonable and conciliatory these two selfish and, in the case of your husband, also weak, knuckleheads will just run rings round you and, effectively, get the results they've agreed between them - at your expense and, it seems, to the potential risk of your child.

You have to be your own champion here and stop allowing them both so much control over you - the person who seems to have the most common sense and responsibility.

Your husband and his mother can be as upset as they like - you need to stand your ground, however politely you do it. But be clear and firm not just for your own good, but for your child's too. Otherwise be prepared for more of the same behaviours for the rest of your marriage. 🌹

Some excellent posts by @SnackSizeRaisin

Your husband needs to sort his priorities. I’d be asking him why he cares more about his mommys feelings than his child’s safety (and life!). Show him stats on sleeping on a sofa with a baby and SIDS.

Not sure why you felt the need to justify why you're not exclusively breastfeeding?