MIL's First Visit

[Lulu1027]

My mother-in-law is visiting to meet my newborn son for the first time and, ostensibly, to help care for him. She's a kind woman, and we've always been friends, but I've become infuriated by her carelessness and lack of self-awareness. Here are a few examples:

-She keeps falling asleep while holding the baby during the daytime. Not dosing, but fully unconscious. I am doing the night shift, so she's sleeping 8 hours a night. Nevertheless, she said that "holding the baby is her favorite way to nap." This strikes me as unsafe, and is, therefore, no help to me. When I'm meant to be doing chores or resting myself I end up keeping an eye on her to make sure she doesn't drop the baby. When I nicely asked her to stop doing this because I feel it's unsafe she was incredibly hurt, started crying, and said she didn't like my tone.

-Due to a tongue tie, the baby is bottle-fed, with half formula/half pumped breastmilk. MIL offered to make the baby's formula bottles and DH and I both repeatedly told her the appropriate ratio of water to powder. It's also printed on the can. Later that day it became apparent that she had mistakenly diluted the bottles. As a result, he was not getting enough calories had loose stools from excess water intake.

-We went to the local fire station for a car seat installation check. While there, MIL recounted that she once accidentally put a car seat holding her infant son (my DH) on the roof of her car and forgot about it before driving off. The car seat tumbled to the ground but thankfully the baby was alright. She told this story as if it were a funny anecdote.

-The piece-de-resistance. She accidentally turned off our furnace, having mistaken the plainly marked furnace switch for a regular light switch. It has a bright red switch plate that reads "oil burner, emergency only." Before I knew the furnace was off, the baby awoke screaming and freezing cold. I spent a freezing sleepless night rocking him in a blanket trying to keep him warm. The next morning, upon learning that the heat was out my MIL commented that we have "strange switches in this house" and I immediately knew what had happened. Up until MIL's visit the baby has had a consistent sleep schedule, but since the furnace incident he has barely slept, night or day. I've now been awake for 48 hours, while she's sleeping soundly downstairs.

She then had the audacity to comment that I'm spoiling him by rocking him at night. He's clearly distressed because she starved and froze him!

This is a bit of a rant, but I'm also looking for some validation. AIBU to be completely fed up? All this "help" is making me more exhausted than before she arrived. Any advice on how to proceed?

YABU with this comment
He's clearly distressed because she starved and froze him!

Of course she didn't. She made some mistakes.
I agree with @PAFMO's excellent post on P2. It seems you are after a nanny, rather than someone who wants to do her best to help out.
From your updates, it sounds as if your dh could be doing more to support you, and the name calling is really inappropriate however, I do wonder if there is a grain of truth from the fact you say she doesn't do the housework to your standards, hence you preferring to do that whilst she holds the baby ?
Relax a bit. Let the housework be a little relaxed for a bit. You have a new baby (who will go through times when they don't sleep). You have a Grandmother who wants to help. Let her do the things that need doing around the house and have some cuddles with the baby when one of you is there with her. It doesn't matter if the housework isn't done the same way you would have done it.

Sounds like a whole load of hyperbole over a PFB.

Your baby neither starved nor froze. And a change in sleep patterns can happen without any outside influence.

Put the baby down in his cot for naps, the rest isn’t really an issue.

@BoredZelda Oh sure-sleeping while holding the infant,mixing the formula incorrectly and turning the heating completely off is just precious first born syndrome? Why not blame the @Lulu1027 for the MIL forgetting her child was on top of a MOVING car 30 years ago? It's as logical as your post blaming the mother vs the MIL and idiot husband

Sounds like a whole load of hyperbole over a PFB
It sounds like nothing of the sort. Falling asleep on a sofa while holding a baby = the baby can die. Diluting formula = the baby can starve. None of this is PFB or hyperbole, it’s basic safety. The OP could be on her 20th child and think “I’d quite like it not to die, ta” – not a PFB thought.

@Lulu1027

Well, we've just had it out. DH was zero help and completely undermined me. According to them, I'm anxious and have mental problems. MIL says I have OCD. I'm also vindictive and mean. I don't think she'll be staying. Thank you all for your support. It's good to get some objective opinons and hear that I'm not completely mad.

Tell DH to take MIL home and bet he can stay with her until he apologises

What an absolute tw*t

He should be helping not hindering and trying to undermine the mother or his baby. ESpecially when you are right!

@ HumphreyCobblers I agree, the bottle and furnace incidents, while irritating, were one offs and easily corrected. Although, honestly I still feel that the baby was thrown off by them and that we had two miserable nights as a result. When I told her the baby was crying all night she had the audacity to comment that the baby was happier with her than with me...However, napping with the baby concerned me the most and was an ongoing risk so I saw fit to nip it in the bud.

@ hotmeatymilk Thank you. That is my point. These things are basic safety.

The falling asleep holding the baby thing is dangerous. The rest I do think you’re overreacting slightly. If she’s not helping but hindering you then you must tell her to go home. Where’s your husband in all this. Why is he not thanking her and sending his own mother on her way.

@Kite22 All I'm looking for is someone to keep an eye on the baby for a few hours while I sleep or clean. No need for a nanny. My husband had been doing so but had an especially busy work so asked his mother to come. I've been fine with letting the housework go. And it's not an exaggeration to say that my MIL generally doesn't do housework so it seemed an inappropriate thing to ask for help with.

How old is she?

You don't mention any physical ailments, but she sounds doddery.

You are absolutely right - she's potentially lethal to the baby, could have inflicted frozen pipes to the house - that would have been fun with a newborn and is neither use nor ornament.

She's not helping, she's stressing you out, failed to follow basic instructions on how to use formula and underfed your PFB and created more work for you.

If she was capable of housework and errands, leaving you with the baby, that would have helped, but she sounds like a nightmare.

Good luck OP. You'll need it with a MIL like that and her pandering son.

At this point in your opening post @Lulu1027
"She keeps falling asleep while holding the baby during the daytime. Not dosing, but fully unconscious. I am doing the night shift, so she's sleeping 8 hours a night. Nevertheless, she said that "holding the baby is her favorite way to nap." This strikes me as unsafe, and is, therefore, no help to me. When I'm meant to be doing chores or resting myself I end up keeping an eye on her to make sure she doesn't drop the baby. When I nicely asked her to stop doing this because I feel it's unsafe she was incredibly hurt, started crying, and said she didn't like my tone.
the only acceptable response would have been "Well, it's not my favourite way to nap. It is a smothering hazard as as his mother I cannot do the chores that I need to while you're supposed to be 'looking after' your grandson, so my tone is the least of your worries here. Stop doing that. Put him asleep in his Moses basket/crib/cot and stay beside him. If you can't do that, then please leave."

I can see from your updates that you've had it out with her but the issue here is that your DH didn't have your back and wasn't backing you up. Information has improved in relation to baby care and you are right in the issues you've raised here and she isn't. It's that cut and dry.

Her napping with the baby would have been a massive no from me and my dh would have completely freaked.

Print off the statistics of sids of people sleeping in chairs/sofas with a baby. It might shock your dh and mil

@ittakes2 Unfortunately this is an ongoing problem. He is incapable of setting boundaries with his family. I end up being the bad guy.

Baby sleepong patterns can change suddenly and for no apparent reason and I too would let that go as may be nothingto do with the furnace and anyone can make mistaked.. She can't sleep holding the baby though and she doesn't seem to be recognising the risk so you can't trust that she won't. The thought makes my blood run cold.

@Gingernaut "she's potentially lethal to the baby, could have inflicted frozen pipes to the house - that would have been fun with a newborn and is neither use nor ornament." --My thoughts exactly.

"All I'm looking for is someone to keep an eye on the baby for a few hours while I sleep or clean. No need for a nanny. My husband had been doing so but had an especially busy work so asked his mother to come."

Did it really need someone to come just for that though?

I mean why couldn't she just have come for a visit & if she happened to help out all well & good.

That said
Was it your husband's way of completely handing it over?

Congratulations on your new baby.
the bottle and furnace incidents, while irritating, were one offs and easily corrected
Thankfully they were, but the fact that there are a series of potentially serious incidents means that you have to supervise her closely. DH has to step up and help you more and have your back. You are both responsible for this baby and he has to realise that.
The fact that both your DH and MIL are blaming your "mental health" for raising the issue is awful and it means that she has no intention of changing her careless behaviour. She won't change, won't listen to careful instructions and therefore is a liability.

I'd tell her to go home, in all honestly. She's absolutely useless to you and doesn't need to be there.

In the meantime I'd take her off every duty relating to the baby and if she wants to be 'helpful' she can wash dishes or something. Only supervised activities with the baby. You nap with the baby in your room in their moses basket/cot. She can have a doze downstairs/in the spare room on her own.

The long and short of it is she needs to go.

I don’t see why people have an issue with you wanting MIL to come and stay and help - I think that’s quite a normal thing to do, have family around to help. In fact it’s a shame that in the British culture we don’t do more of that; it would seriously help PND amongst other things. That said, as she isn’t helping you were justified in telling her to leave.

Your problem is now she and your husband are gaslighting you. It’s actually awful what they’ve said. Not sure where you go from here

@Lulu1027

Well, we've just had it out. DH was zero help and completely undermined me. According to them, I'm anxious and have mental problems. MIL says I have OCD. I'm also vindictive and mean. I don't think she'll be staying. Thank you all for your support. It's good to get some objective opinons and hear that I'm not completely mad.

Yikes OP. You really have a husband problem first, then a MIL problem.

I'm really disturbed that your own husband is throwing mental health issues around as a manipulation and insult tactic. I've only seen (potential) abusers do that. Maybe I missed this, but how long have you been married to him, do you see any other red flags? I'm not saying you should leave him, but I'm telling you to nip this type of behavior right now before it starts to damage you. Even if you have mental issues, loving husbands are supportive of their wives, not use as an insult. Don't allow him and MIL to beat you down mentally and emotionally. Set your boundaries firmly and right now.

That's his baby too that's put at risk by her falling asleep or making the formula wrong. He should be backing you up all the way.

In regards to her falling asleep while holding the baby, stop letting her hold the baby. Your baby's safety comes before anyone's feelings. If your husband doesn't agree with that, you have a huge issue with him that needs some serious counseling asap.

I'm sorry this is happening OP. It's already hard enough with a baby and it's must be so frustrating dealing with an unsupportive husband and MIL.

Stay strong and set those boundaries now.

@VillageOf8 Thank you. Yes, the insinuation that setting boundaries about objective safety issues is purely the result of my supposed mental illness is incredibly hurtful to me. I'm appalled that he did not back me up, when, in fact, he was privately complaining about the same issues. I also asked him to addresss these issues with his mother prior to my addressing her and he refused.

Does she have poor eyesight or literacy? Not your problem but maybe your DH could find out if she needs help there.
In any event clearly she is not capable of looking after the baby alone.

Send her home, and while your at it, send your "d"H with her. Your MIL is a serious risk to your precious baby, falling asleep with baby on you is a massive risk for SIDS. She does not make up formula correctly, also another serious health risk. She is dangerous. Do not let her stay another night.

I know this is a side issue, but even if the OP is somewhere like Alaska, I can't believe that her pipes are going to freeze over just because the heating is turned off for a few hours.

Surely the inside of her house hasn't been below zero even if it is outside? It would take a lot longer than a few hours of the heating being off for the inside of a heated house to fall below zero (assuming that doors and windows are kept closed).

It is has been below zero outside here (SE England) recently, but the heating is off at night, as it always is, and our pipes are in absolutely no danger of freezing.

This, and some of the other things she has said, suggests to me that the OP is suffering from anxiety. That is hardly surprising: I'm sure all new mothers have it to some extent, and her justifiable concerns and lack of sleep won't be helping. But it does sound like she may be letting things get a bit out of perspective. It's impossible for us to tell though.

OP; I'm not sure what support is available to new mothers in the US. Do you have a system of health visitors as we do in the UK?

A health professional might be better able to explain to your husband and his mother where your concerns are absolutely justified, and to help reassure you if you are over-anxious in some aspects.