MIL's First Visit

[Lulu1027]

My mother-in-law is visiting to meet my newborn son for the first time and, ostensibly, to help care for him. She's a kind woman, and we've always been friends, but I've become infuriated by her carelessness and lack of self-awareness. Here are a few examples:

-She keeps falling asleep while holding the baby during the daytime. Not dosing, but fully unconscious. I am doing the night shift, so she's sleeping 8 hours a night. Nevertheless, she said that "holding the baby is her favorite way to nap." This strikes me as unsafe, and is, therefore, no help to me. When I'm meant to be doing chores or resting myself I end up keeping an eye on her to make sure she doesn't drop the baby. When I nicely asked her to stop doing this because I feel it's unsafe she was incredibly hurt, started crying, and said she didn't like my tone.

-Due to a tongue tie, the baby is bottle-fed, with half formula/half pumped breastmilk. MIL offered to make the baby's formula bottles and DH and I both repeatedly told her the appropriate ratio of water to powder. It's also printed on the can. Later that day it became apparent that she had mistakenly diluted the bottles. As a result, he was not getting enough calories had loose stools from excess water intake.

-We went to the local fire station for a car seat installation check. While there, MIL recounted that she once accidentally put a car seat holding her infant son (my DH) on the roof of her car and forgot about it before driving off. The car seat tumbled to the ground but thankfully the baby was alright. She told this story as if it were a funny anecdote.

-The piece-de-resistance. She accidentally turned off our furnace, having mistaken the plainly marked furnace switch for a regular light switch. It has a bright red switch plate that reads "oil burner, emergency only." Before I knew the furnace was off, the baby awoke screaming and freezing cold. I spent a freezing sleepless night rocking him in a blanket trying to keep him warm. The next morning, upon learning that the heat was out my MIL commented that we have "strange switches in this house" and I immediately knew what had happened. Up until MIL's visit the baby has had a consistent sleep schedule, but since the furnace incident he has barely slept, night or day. I've now been awake for 48 hours, while she's sleeping soundly downstairs.

She then had the audacity to comment that I'm spoiling him by rocking him at night. He's clearly distressed because she starved and froze him!

This is a bit of a rant, but I'm also looking for some validation. AIBU to be completely fed up? All this "help" is making me more exhausted than before she arrived. Any advice on how to proceed?

Both my mother and mother-in-law were not to be trusted with my baby/toddler. Both were later diagnosed with dementia and I guess with hindsight they were probably going through the early stages when DD was little. I didn't let them look after her unsupervised and just had to see them as guests who were delighted to see their GDD but could contribute nothing to helping with her or with housework either. It did add considerably to the burden of having a small child, but on the other hand I didn't see them often (we lived in another country at the time) and now that they are dead I'm glad that they had the visits with us.

OP this is your baby and your house. What on earth are you doing on here seeking advice on what to do? You are responsible for your baby and you feel they are unsafe so you need to act. Your mother in law is a guest in your house and needs to understand how you are raising your child.

At first I thought that you were just being a bit overprotective, but some of MIL’s actions are downright dangerous.
The sleeping off while carrying a newborn baby is just not on
She appears to be adding to your stress which defeats the object

Sorry but she sounds like a female frank spencer !

Tell her to go home.

Well, she can’t help with babycare, can she? She can help with cooking and running errands and chores, and she can spend time with you and the baby but she’s not to be in sole charge and it doesn’t matter how much she cries.

Isn't falling asleep holding the baby the top cause of SIDS in babies? It's so dangerous, it's just not worth the risk. Tough shit if she doesn't like your tone, she is risking your baby's life.

Falling asleep on the sofa with a baby is absolutely one of the top cause of SIDS you need to nip that in the bud NOW.

Also to the pp complaining about her MIL rocking the baby in the buggy for the whole nap - come on. Maybe you can’t do it and it sets a precedent but you sound so ungrateful.

How long is she staying for? I'd be counting down the minutes or packing her bags

Well, we've just had it out. DH was zero help and completely undermined me. According to them, I'm anxious and have mental problems. MIL says I have OCD. I'm also vindictive and mean. I don't think she'll be staying. Thank you all for your support. It's good to get some objective opinons and hear that I'm not completely mad.

@AfterSchoolWorry

She sounds bonkers.

She needs to go home.

This.

Personally I think you're allowing your valid concerns about some aspects of her behaviour (and perhaps lack of sleep) to cloud your judgement in other areas. You say that she is a kind woman, so it sounds like she wants to be helpful she's just getting some things a bit wrong.

Falling asleep holding the baby and getting the bottle right are important and she needs to understand that.

I think you're over-reacting to the anecdote about the car seat. I suspect most parents have similar stories (though perhaps not as bad). At the time they are horrendous but years later we can look back on them and laugh.

The furnace switch. To be honest I don't really understand this one. Are you somewhere really cold where you need heating on all night? And if you had to spend 'a freezing sleepless night rocking him in a blanket' to keep him warm didn't it occur to you then to check whether the heating might have been switched off?

Whatever the situation, your baby will not now be distressed because a few days ago he woke up cold or because he once had a weak bottle.
Neither do I think that either incident will be responsible for him hardly sleeping for 48 hours.

You do sound overly anxious to me and it is possible that that might be communicating itself to your baby, especially if you are holding him and rocking him all night. Sometimes babies are better off just being put down.

Your mother in law may be contributing to your anxiety of course, in which case obviously it makes sense for her to leave, or to confine herself to other practical help like cooking and washing, but do you have any other support? You haven't mentioned your husband at all. Can he help more at night, if only at weekends, to allow you to get a couple of decent nights sleep?

Yet another useless husband. Get rid of both of them.

If my husband dared to say I have "mental problems" over the basic needs of my child, his arse would be out the door. Gaslighting, pathetic bastard.

@Lulu1027

Well, we've just had it out. DH was zero help and completely undermined me. According to them, I'm anxious and have mental problems. MIL says I have OCD. I'm also vindictive and mean. I don't think she'll be staying. Thank you all for your support. It's good to get some objective opinons and hear that I'm not completely mad.

Once you’re rid of her you need to talk seriously to your husband. Falling asleep in a chair with a baby is seriously, seriously dangerous. So is making up formula bottles wrong.

What did you actually say to her and what did he actually say?

@ Fifthtimelucky We've just moved into this house and assumed that the furnace was broken. We intended to call a repairman the next day. It was only the following morning that she made the comment about the strange switches. Wish she had mentioned it sooner! Also, the furnace switch is very common in American homes. It is clearly marked with a red switch plate and bold lettering stating that it is connected to the furnace. And yes, the temperature went down to freezing that night. In addition to all of us being cold, it could have frozen the pipes (which, incidentally, happened at MILs house).

Unfortunately, she's useless at housework. In fact, she's made more of a mess since she's been here! Since I knew that about her I figured she could hold the baby while I cleaned, but once she started falling asleep that was impossible.

So is she leaving today?

What are you going to do about DH?

She needs to go.
She keeps falling asleep while holding the baby during the daytime.
My mum did this once. I took him out of her arms then like an hour later she woke up and asked why I'd taken him. "Because it's dangerous to sleep with a baby on the sofa." But I like cuddling him. Oh well fu k my child's safety then. I leave her unattended with him for a matter of minutes now. She's too confident because she's successfully raised her own kids. My dad on the other hand doesn't know what he's doing but desperately tries and does what I tell him so I trust him with DS.

She's not helping you, and your relationship is going to suffer. Say thankyou very much, you've made me feel confident and I'm ready to do it on my own, we'll take you out for a thankyou dinner and never mention her dangerous parenting but don't let her have your baby alone. She finds it funny she nearly killed her baby, there's really no where to go from there. MIL is the same, but thankfully she's far too old now to manage DS on her own.

Tell him either she goes home and he stops acting like and arse and takes some interest in his child's care or leave them both to it and go away for a few days yourself until she has gone.

DH has to tell his mother she is NOT ALLOWED to hold the baby while she rests, naps or sleeps. EVER. When she needs a rest/feels sleepy she puts baby in his crib right away.

She is NOT ALLOWED to make up any bottle feeds of any kind, ever.

These are not negotiable. She can agree to accept these conditions, or she leaves. Up to her.

Well isn't your husband a peach!! Pair of bullies, he's obviously very like his Mother. I would be telling him to go with her.

You need to start as you mean to go on - your partner needs to sort m’n’law not you. Setting yourself up for failure if you try and do it. She will eventually forgive her son but never you.

The furnace thing I’d let go, accidents happen but the rest of it is not ok. She’s not going to able to help you much if you can’t trust her to look after your baby. My mil tells similar (she finds hilarious) anecdotes about my husband jumping out of a first floor window aged 18 months, being found in a neighbours house as a crawling baby having gone out of the back door and she hadnt noticed etc. I just sat there making a mental note to never let her watch my kids as tbh her levels of supervision do not seem to have improved.

Don’t let her hold the baby while she sleeps, so unsafe. And it’s really not ok if your husband isn’t backing you up. She needs to go home and any future visits can just be to see you and the baby rather than ‘help’ as she sounds like an absolute liability.

• uck safe, she's making your already hard life with a new born absolutely gruelling by foisting herself on you like this!

If you have a decent relationship I'd just be Frank, your not helping me at all and I'm feel stressed.

You can't fall asleep anymore with my baby in your arms, you don't make his formula.
If you really want to assist ask me what I want otherwise don't force yourself on me. I've got enough on my plate.
The heating switch I can't blame her for.

Weaponised incompetence.

She knows exactly what's she's doing. She's trying to be a 'ditsy Grandma' when in actuality she's endangering her grandson.

She's enjoying getting the rise from you and finds it amusing.

Alternative she cares so little she doesn't give a shit about any of your comfort/welfare.

Send her home. Where's her son in all of this?