MIL's First Visit

[Lulu1027]

My mother-in-law is visiting to meet my newborn son for the first time and, ostensibly, to help care for him. She's a kind woman, and we've always been friends, but I've become infuriated by her carelessness and lack of self-awareness. Here are a few examples:

-She keeps falling asleep while holding the baby during the daytime. Not dosing, but fully unconscious. I am doing the night shift, so she's sleeping 8 hours a night. Nevertheless, she said that "holding the baby is her favorite way to nap." This strikes me as unsafe, and is, therefore, no help to me. When I'm meant to be doing chores or resting myself I end up keeping an eye on her to make sure she doesn't drop the baby. When I nicely asked her to stop doing this because I feel it's unsafe she was incredibly hurt, started crying, and said she didn't like my tone.

-Due to a tongue tie, the baby is bottle-fed, with half formula/half pumped breastmilk. MIL offered to make the baby's formula bottles and DH and I both repeatedly told her the appropriate ratio of water to powder. It's also printed on the can. Later that day it became apparent that she had mistakenly diluted the bottles. As a result, he was not getting enough calories had loose stools from excess water intake.

-We went to the local fire station for a car seat installation check. While there, MIL recounted that she once accidentally put a car seat holding her infant son (my DH) on the roof of her car and forgot about it before driving off. The car seat tumbled to the ground but thankfully the baby was alright. She told this story as if it were a funny anecdote.

-The piece-de-resistance. She accidentally turned off our furnace, having mistaken the plainly marked furnace switch for a regular light switch. It has a bright red switch plate that reads "oil burner, emergency only." Before I knew the furnace was off, the baby awoke screaming and freezing cold. I spent a freezing sleepless night rocking him in a blanket trying to keep him warm. The next morning, upon learning that the heat was out my MIL commented that we have "strange switches in this house" and I immediately knew what had happened. Up until MIL's visit the baby has had a consistent sleep schedule, but since the furnace incident he has barely slept, night or day. I've now been awake for 48 hours, while she's sleeping soundly downstairs.

She then had the audacity to comment that I'm spoiling him by rocking him at night. He's clearly distressed because she starved and froze him!

This is a bit of a rant, but I'm also looking for some validation. AIBU to be completely fed up? All this "help" is making me more exhausted than before she arrived. Any advice on how to proceed?

Even if they thought that Op was wrong/overreacting, name calling, bullying & abuse was never going to be the way to sort it out.

What a pile on by them.

He's a shit father as well as a shit husband.

I was with you until you said you went to a fire station to check your baby seat was fitted correctly.

@Starstar7 The car seat check was recommended by the hospital.

@Starstar7

I was with you until you said you went to a fire station to check your baby seat was fitted correctly.

Different countries do things differently. What a shocker.

Could you ask her to do useful things like the laundry, hoovering or preparing meals? My MIL did this and FIL busied himself in the garden and walked the dog. They were great and I just had to look after myself and baby.

Formula & sleeping is dangerous and you were right to tell her she can't do this.
All I'm looking for is someone to keep an eye on the baby for a few hours while I sleep or clean You can't have this. Plenty of us manage without. Reframe your MIL as someone who is visiting not someone who's helping.

@SoftplayTaintedLove You are right, but she offered to help!

Yes, I do get it - you're absolutely right to tell her she can't now she has proved she's not able to.

I'd tell her to pack her bags and I'd tell your spineless H to bloody pack his at the same time! How can you have any respect for him?

Oh sure-sleeping while holding the infant,mixing the formula incorrectly and turning the heating completely off is just precious first born syndrome?

The baby didn't starve or freeze. That's an extreme exaggeration, that's what the PFB was about.

It sounds like nothing of the sort. Falling asleep on a sofa while holding a baby = the baby can die.

Sure it's not great, but it also isn't catastrophic. Many sleep deprived parents have done it by accident, the advice to avoid it is important but in the real world it happens from time to time and most parents understand that.

Diluting formula = the baby can starve.

It was one bottle. No baby will starve from one poorly prepared bottle. It would take days or weeks of this for that to happen.

None of this is PFB or hyperbole, it’s basic safety. The OP could be on her 20th child and think “I’d quite like it not to die, ta”

But by the 20th, she'd realise that a baby isn't going to "die, ta" from a couple of one off problems.

@BoredZelda Clearly I did not mean that the baby was literally starved or frozen. I meant that he suffered ill effects as a result of her negligence. And I let the napping slide several times until she expressed her intention to consistently sleep with the baby that way. It was also more than one bottle-I was concerned he didn't eat enough one day.

Why isn't your DH talking to her?

Why isn't your DH helping more? Sounds like you're doing it all, she's holding him for Nanny Naps and he's.... moaning about her and not pulling his weight.

@SleepingStandingUp My DH has actually been doing a ton but this paternity leave ended this week and he had a jammed-packed schedule. He thought she could give me a hand in his absence. He's still helping with nights etc. and has been a very attentive father. But he's utterly incapable of taking charge of communicating with his mother.

Ah fair enough then, that didn't come across and you mentioned not sleeping for 48 hours which is why I think he should be doing more

I too think you need to re adjust your thinking a bit - unfortunately she's not going to provide you with any help and you are going to have to look after the baby yourself. She is here purely for a social visit. That's fine, many of us are in that position and one baby does not need outside help. Just don't bother with housework - as long as laundry and washing up is done, everything else really can wait a few weeks.

However, as a social visit, you are perfectly entitled to limit it to a short time and say that she needs to be there only when your husband is off work to deal with her. Having his relatives hanging round is not what you need - don't confuse her wish to help with actual help. If you don't find her helpful, she's not being helpful. And therefore needs to accept that she goes home now until you are feeling more in a routine and ready for visitors.

Don't get side tracked by accusations about your mental health and being over anxious. They may or may not be true but clearly having mil on an extended visit is not the solution. Surely your husband can see that. He's probably just worried about upsetting his mother. But mothers with new babies are perfectly entitled to be a bit PFB. If they can't make allowances for that the risk is that relationships will be permanently damaged. Your husband's primary responsibility here is to support you - even if he doesn't agree with you about every detail.

@SnackSizeRaisin well put.

@SnackSizeRaisin You are absolutely right and I wish I had perceived that this would be a social visit ahead of time.

But he's utterly incapable of taking charge of communicating with his mother.

I think it's difficult if you are expecting him to have it out with her about all of these little details - also there's probably no point. It would probably be better at this stage to just say thanks for helping but we are ok now and need some space as a family and get her off home asap. That doesn't require him to criticize her or give her any reason to argue about your unreasonable ness. I don't let my mil "help" for similar reasons but I don't tell her why - I just say "thanks so much but I really like my own space \i get stressed with visitors\we'll see you on X date (when dh off). DH did once ask why she can't come round "to help". I just explained that it's not actually helpful and she is welcome to come as much as he wants at times when he's around but not when he's at work. Her being bored or lonely is not my problem (we barely saw her before the baby).

Don’t let them tell you that you have mental health issues and are mean. Her actions were directly detrimental to your household, mistake or otherwise. She’s being abusive by not taking responsibility and apologising, but instead diminishing you. Tell the dirty cow to go home.

Not mixing formula correctly can actually be really dangerous for a baby.

Falling asleep with them in a scenario like that is a sids risk, not to mention the risk of her dropping your child.

Your child’s safety comes before your mother in laws feelings.
You must feel ridiculously stressed and worried, send her home op.

‘ Well, we've just had it out. DH was zero help and completely undermined me. According to them, I'm anxious and have mental problems’

The gaslighting is absolutely appalling.

Dh would be out along with his mother for this.

[quote Lulu1027]@SnackSizeRaisin You are absolutely right and I wish I had perceived that this would be a social visit ahead of time.[/quote]
Well, who knows what was said if he arranged it & then how it was sold on to you?

Is there no one you would rather have who could come for a day or two?

This isn't help. It's hindrance. She definitely can't be relied on to look after the baby. Write that one off.

I agree with pp. Only have her over when your husband is there to spend time with her.