To try to find out how my uncle died?

[Keke94LND]

So 18 years ago, my uncle died, I was 9 at the time.

I don't remember a lot about my uncle, he was very quiet, quite reclusive, he lived with my Nan pretty much until he died (he was in his 40s) I know he had mental health problems and possibly some drug addictions.

Since his death, no one in my family has ever really talked about him, I think it's mainly because they don't want to bring him up around my Nan, although in recent years my Nan has talked about him a few times. But every time she has I've been sort of shocked just because he is never spoken about. It's like him and his death is some sort of family secret or topic that we don't speak about, for some reason.

I have spoken to my mum about him and his death before, but she has no idea how he died, no one does, except for my Nan. and for some reason even though they are incredibly close, my mum has never/won't ask her.

I have always been curious of what happened, especially because it's a secret, WIBU to try and find out what happened? I am considering trying to find/buy his death certificate as surely that will state cause of death, the only thing stopping me is, is the next of kin ever notified if someone orders a death certificate? (I.e will my Nan find out I have ordered it? I wouldn't want to upset her

Its strange none of his family know how he died. He may have took his own life but should be easy enough to find out.

I think you can find out here.

www.ancestry.co.uk/cs/us/uk-death-records?ancid=jwzsurnpn3&pgrid=86887096710&ptaid=kwd-931857975757&s_kwcid=how+to+%2bfind+%2bsomeone+who+%2bhas+%2bdied&gclid=CjwKCAjwiY6MBhBqEiwARFSCPi5ItDWsNGxf3ph76Ad4yft7x-9LWg5CwGAh5Evk7gytIehp1xVsdRoCcxoQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds&o_xid=59287&o_lid=59287&o_sch=Paid+Search+Non+Brand

No, no one will know or be told.
Anyone can order certificates.

I would probably not pry into this. It sounds as if he lived rather a sad life and died rather a sad death. If your grandmother wants to speak about him, by all means listen and allow him to do so, but don't dig around to satisfy your curiosity.

Was there an inquest? If so there may be a press report.

Next of kin won't be informed if you order the death certificate. The death register is a public document, and there's simply no mechanism for informing anyone that it's been consulted.

Ordering it is definitely your first move if you want to find out.

I would say, though, that it's a really common thing in family history research for the younger generation who are barely affected to be curious; while for the older generation who were close to someone and very affected by their life and death, it's something extremely painful.

So please do bear that in mind. Are you prepared to sit on what you might find out, or will you feel a compulsion to chat about it?

Why don't you ask your nan?

What would you do with the information? What difference would it make to your life?

Your idle curiosity is your grandmother's daily pain.

You don't remember him, he didn't impact your life much. Just leave it alone for your grandmother's sake.

Agree. Just ask your nan. Tell her you want to learn more about uncle …. and his life and his hobbies etc. Maybe she doesn’t mention him because no one else mentions him.

@girlmom21 I'm guessing because the OP doesn't want to upset her.

I do a lot of family research both for work and my own interest, and I firmly believe that if your family doesn’t talk about something from the past, it’s because they don’t want to, and therefore if you love them you should respect that. You can cause a whole world of hurt to people if you ride roughshod over their wishes.

I had a situation in my family where my grandpa didn’t talk about his family, and so I never investigated during his lifetime. I waited until long after he was gone and then started my research, comfortable in the knowledge that anything I turned up couldn’t be hurtful to him.

Maybe the time for you to look into this is after your Nan can’t be hurt by your looking into it all.

[quote Evesgarden]I think you can find out here.

www.ancestry.co.uk/cs/us/uk-death-records?ancid=jwzsurnpn3&pgrid=86887096710&ptaid=kwd-931857975757&s_kwcid=how+to+%2bfind+%2bsomeone+who+%2bhas+%2bdied&gclid=CjwKCAjwiY6MBhBqEiwARFSCPi5ItDWsNGxf3ph76Ad4yft7x-9LWg5CwGAh5Evk7gytIehp1xVsdRoCcxoQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds&o_xid=59287&o_lid=59287&o_sch=Paid+Search+Non+Brand[/quote]
I highly doubt that the record will be there as it depends on people doing research. It might link to a source for finding out, but that would be the death certificate and op can order one from here:

www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-death-marriage-certificate

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I would probably not pry into this. It sounds as if he lived rather a sad life and died rather a sad death. If your grandmother wants to speak about him, by all means listen and allow him to do so, but don't dig around to satisfy your curiosity.

This seems a bit repressive to me. There is nothing wrong with being curious about something that happened in your own close family and taking discreet steps to find out. Family secrets often cause a lot of pain; a little light on them can be a very healthy thing as long as it’s handled gently.

Of course it wouldn’t be okay to pressure anyone to talk about something painful, but it doesn’t sound like the op plans to do that.

@girlmom21

Why don't you ask your nan?

The main reason I don't want to ask my Nan is because if he took his own life, that would be hard for my Nan to say or discuss.. Obviously I don't know thats what happened, but it's definitely a possibility

[quote TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons]@girlmom21 I'm guessing because the OP doesn't want to upset her.[/quote]
If she brings him up fairly often there's a good chance she actually wants to speak about him.

I'm sure she'd rather be asked than find out people were pussyfooting around her and doing all kinds of backhanded things to find out.

She's a grown woman.

@MrsTulipTattsyrup

I do a lot of family research both for work and my own interest, and I firmly believe that if your family doesn’t talk about something from the past, it’s because they don’t want to, and therefore if you love them you should respect that. You can cause a whole world of hurt to people if you ride roughshod over their wishes.

I had a situation in my family where my grandpa didn’t talk about his family, and so I never investigated during his lifetime. I waited until long after he was gone and then started my research, comfortable in the knowledge that anything I turned up couldn’t be hurtful to him.

Maybe the time for you to look into this is after your Nan can’t be hurt by your looking into it all.

Hmm this is true

Lots of crossed posts there. I’m not saying she should raise the topic with her family and force a discussion, to be clear. I’m saying there’s nothing morally wrong about looking into it quietly.

It'll be listed on his death cert , is it possible for you to get a copy?

If you do request the death certificate then I would strongly suggest keeping the info to yourself unless asked by another family member. They could have easily found out themselves if they wanted to know, so maybe they are content with their ignorance.

Just order the death certificate. No one needs to know.

@LemonJuiceFromConcentrate

Lots of crossed posts there. I’m not saying she should raise the topic with her family and force a discussion, to be clear. I’m saying there’s nothing morally wrong about looking into it quietly.

But you say that 'family secrets cause a lot of pain' in what way will the OP relieving her curiosity about the death of a family member she barely knew and who died possibly by suicide -- when she was a small child, alleviate that pain?

OP, I wouldn't necessarily be convinced your mother doesn't know how your uncle died. She may simply not want to talk about it. My grandfather was sectioned multiple times in a mental hospital in the 1940s and 50s and had electroshock therapy -- my mother prefers to behave as though that didn't happen because it's a source of intense shame for her.

We were told that my great grandad was lost at sea, when I found out that he actually died in a sailor’s hospital in Australia. And my great grandma continued to have babies after he was ‘lost’, and she gave them his surname !!!

@Verfremdungseffekt mum definitely doesn't know, my Nan is a really private person (often because she is protective), whereas my mum is a super open person. When I discussed it with her before, she said that she didn't know how he died and she can't ask about it and that she probably won't know until my Nan is gone, she was definitely telling the truth, I think she does wonder about it too, but yeah there may be a part of her that doesn't want to find out if it is something horrible

@GoodnightGrandma

We were told that my great grandad was lost at sea, when I found out that he actually died in a sailor’s hospital in Australia. And my great grandma continued to have babies after he was ‘lost’, and she gave them his surname !!!

My great great grandparents had 7 children and never married.

I was told that my great grandfather from this same family fell off a roof and died. I have the newspaper report of his death. He died in his bed of heart failure. I'm sure if any falls from roofs were involved they would have mentioned it. Death certificate confirmed heart failure with no dramatic falls.

As far as I'm concerned family stories might as well be a game of Chinese whispers. They can't be relied on.

I understand why you want to know. It natural to be curious about such a close family member. My brother took his own life and there was an inquest etc so could your Nan really have kept that secret from you all? I'd order a copy of the death certificate. Almost every family has hidden sadnesses.