To try to find out how my uncle died?

[Keke94LND]

So 18 years ago, my uncle died, I was 9 at the time.

I don't remember a lot about my uncle, he was very quiet, quite reclusive, he lived with my Nan pretty much until he died (he was in his 40s) I know he had mental health problems and possibly some drug addictions.

Since his death, no one in my family has ever really talked about him, I think it's mainly because they don't want to bring him up around my Nan, although in recent years my Nan has talked about him a few times. But every time she has I've been sort of shocked just because he is never spoken about. It's like him and his death is some sort of family secret or topic that we don't speak about, for some reason.

I have spoken to my mum about him and his death before, but she has no idea how he died, no one does, except for my Nan. and for some reason even though they are incredibly close, my mum has never/won't ask her.

I have always been curious of what happened, especially because it's a secret, WIBU to try and find out what happened? I am considering trying to find/buy his death certificate as surely that will state cause of death, the only thing stopping me is, is the next of kin ever notified if someone orders a death certificate? (I.e will my Nan find out I have ordered it? I wouldn't want to upset her

@FictionalCharacter You would think but they definitely do tread very carefully here. Where they cannot be a sustained motivation proved, if it’s a momentous decision they might not have otherwise taken, they often won’t rule suicide - especially true where drugs are involved. Drug induced psychosis can be the reason for a spontaneous suicide that wouldn’t have otherwise happened (but so many people ending it would choose drugs to soften the incident)

OP you are obviously not going to change your mind so give some thought to at what point you stop ‘scratching the itch’. Will you be able to stop at knowing or getting an unsatisfactory answer and not telling anyone? You may find the answer raises more questions but would then have to divulge you went behind your mum and grandmas back to get the original information. How will that affect your relationship? Will you have intrusive thoughts if you come across similar deaths depicted on tv/ in books as you have invested quite a lot of energy into this. You need to carefully think about how to deal with the information fall-out.

OP I am concerned by your lack of empathy to your family. This is all about your need to know how your incline died and has absolutely no empathy for the fact that this appears to have been unbelievably traumatising for his mum and his sister who can’t or won’t talk about it. You say you’re surprised your mum who “loves family trees” hasn’t looked into it. Surely you must see that they’re high affected by what happened. The chances your mum doesn’t know what happened to your uncle are virtually nil and you’re not respecting the fact that for whatever reason talking about it is not something she wants or is able to do

You are looking at this on a very superficial level
-my mum loves family trees

• surely she would have told my dad
• I don’t have closure

Your understanding of why they can’t talk about this is totally lacking in your curiosity and I think you need to seriously have a think about what this need to know might do to your family. You say you will keep it to yourself but if you’re as curious as you are about what happened and why not you weren’t told are you sure you’ll not start to question it and bring up topics or try to get them to open up when clearly it’s not what they want. The impact of your curiosity could seriously impact on your mum and grandmother who are far more important in this than you are

Unfortunately there isn't a lot of family to know.. on my mums side of the family it is just mum and my Nan. Grandad died years before I was born, then it was mum, uncle and Nan until my uncle died. Nan did have a brother but he died when he was in his 20s. My Nan has lost a lot of people

@Keke94LND

Considering that there isn't a huge number of extended family members AND that you understand that you'll need to keep what you find a secret at least until Gran dies or says something herself, then go ahead and get the death certificate. I don't consider that you'd be 'hurting' anyone just by obtaining the knowledge of how your uncle died as long as you keep it to yourself.

Considering how many 'before their time' deaths your gran has had (father, brother, son), it's not surprising she doesn't want to dwell on them.

Not sure how D Certs work in the UK, but where I live they show not only the direct cause of death, but the manner of death, ie cause; asphyxiation, manner; suicide. So you may have to put 2+2 together between cause and manner.

My dad died when I was 14, I was told a different cause of death to what actually happened due to overhearing part of a conversation I wasn't meant to. I've always wanted to order a death certificate but part of me still doesn't want to know the truth. I have nobody left to ask details.
It's a tough one.

I think it would firstly be wise to consider your motives - absolutely I understand that you loved your uncle and still feel his absence, but would knowing how he died alter that in any way? Depending on your relationship with your gran, and with the caveat that you back off immediately if she doesn't seem receptive, perhaps your gran might be open to talking about your uncle's life rather than his death? Your gran might find it comforting to talk to you about his likes and dislikes, his personality, childhood memories etc. It won't resolve your curiosity though, so if you do decide to conduct your own research, please tread very gently and be absolutely sure that you would be able to keep your knowledge to yourself. Your gran's reticence about the manner of your uncle's death suggests she may still feel shame or guilt (however misplaced) and these are powerful emotions in themselves let alone when mixed with grief.

@ChickenGotLegs

My dad died when I was 14, I was told a different cause of death to what actually happened due to overhearing part of a conversation I wasn't meant to. I've always wanted to order a death certificate but part of me still doesn't want to know the truth. I have nobody left to ask details. It's a tough one.

I understand this, I'd hazard a guess that the death was "not natural". It's very sad that people view these types of death as wrong.

I don't think it's because it was wrong I think it's because I was so young and they didn't want me to know the truth at that point. He had lived down south for years and was due to move back up within days of it happening. I know for certain now I'm older there is far more to the story but I doubt I'll ever find out all the details now. The certificate would probably answer I load of questions but just can't bring myself to get it. One day in sure I'll bite the bullet.

@ChickenGotLegs

Have you looked on line for his will and if probate was granted ? There may be neither will nor probate. Probate is not always required/requested and can take days or years to be granted. Or not even be requested until a long time after the death. It's dependent on circumstances.

Here's a link to a legitimate UK government online search facility:

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwjw9fLkkZD0AhXjlFwKHfSNBfMQFnoECAYQAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.gov.uk%2Fsearch-will-probate&usg=AOvVaw1zKF0uYDipaup0d19aJ0xV

I have a relative who took their own life many years ago (not saying that's what happened in your circumstance) their will names the beneficiaries. (Probate states the date they died and who probate was granted to). Their will unwittingly gives a few clues as to their state of mind.

I may one day get their death certificate but not until a few senior relatives have popped their clogs.

@ToffeeNotCoffee

I may one day get their death certificate but not until a few senior relatives have popped their clogs.

Thankyou for that link I never knew about that 🙂