To consider giving up my son.

[sheeraa]

My son is nearly 2. By this stage I thought I would’ve settled into life as a mum and have my shit together.

I thought I was going to be a picture perfect mum, gentle and calm.
I’m so far from that that I don’t even like who I am.

I just generally feel like I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

My days feel stressful and rushed. Nothing seems calm and I feel like I’m just not enjoying my life right now.

I work 4 days a week 8-5 and I barely have time to do anything inbetween.

DS still doesn’t sleep through (never has) and I’m surviving on broken sleep. The most consecutive sleep I get is 3 hours, occasionally 4.

He’s very recently started to have horrendous tantrums and they just seem to trigger something awful in me.

I’m ashamed to type this out, but I’ve had days where I feel like don’t like him very much.
There’s days where all he wants is me and I just feel like I don’t want to be around him.

I can’t seem to get five minutes to myself as he’s always right behind me and has tantrums if I don’t attend to him or meet his demands immediately.

He isn’t like this with his Dad, only me.

There’s times where he’s screaming and crying for me and I’ve had to just walk away.

I’ve heard so many mums say it’s breaks their heart when their children cry, but recently when my son is screaming and crying, I could just walk out.
There’s been so many times when I could easily just scream back at him, I haven’t done this which is why I chose to walk away.

I’m starting to even question if I love my son, because surely a mother that loves her children does not feel like this towards them.

I’ve given it some thought and think it could be better for both of us if he was to live with his Dad and I leave.
I would of course still see my son, I’m not suggesting I never see him again.

I think a few times a week spending time with hun will be better than him having to live with me the way I feel.
I don’t want to damage my son but feel I am just not adjusting to be the mum I so badly thought i would be.

No sage words of advice here from me but I've definitely been there when you feel ready for the hills. I'm sure someone wise will be along soon.

When I had similar feelings with my firstborn I had crippling PND, I was so sure I was just not supposed to be a mum and in total denial it could be PND. I got help and now could not imagine my life for one second without my little boy, and my newborn. Get help, even if you think you don't need it, you really might

Sorry to hear you feel safe crap, I would check for PND with regards to your low mood. What are your son's communication and understanding skills like?

Everyone goes through phases of not liking their kids much.
Parenting is an ever evolving skill. There is this idea that women should just be instinctive with it. It's just another stick to beat women with.

You seem quite overwhelmed though.

Can you:
Split time a bit more with his dad?

Perhaps take a parenting class? There may be some collective wisdom in those classes which can help you.
Are you getting any time for yourself? I know that is hard when they are small, but perhaps if his dad takes him a bit more, you can carve out time for yourself.

Sometimes you can't do anything about the crap stuff in your life, but you can balance it with something nice that you do for yourself.

Ooh the lack of sleep must be horrendous. Is there anyway his dad can take him overnight so you can get a full nights sleep?

I agree with other posters where it sounds like PND. I had PND when i had my youngest and it started to go away when he was over a year old.

I spent the first yesr of his life wishing i didnt have him, hating every moment of it and berating myself for feeling that way. He fed every 2 hours and the lack of sleep changed me as a person. I was not my normal logical self.

Id speak to your GP amd your childs father amd see what support you can get before you make any drastic decisons x

Have you spoken to your dp about how you feel? You work quite long hours and are sleep deprived - no wonder you’re struggling! Why not look at having some time off work initially, it sounds like you’re really suffering from stress, and having time at home may help. Speak to your Health visitor, they will be able to offer support and advice.
There is a lot of support out there for struggling mums - please try to access it xx

I’ve been there OP, PND - for a long time I don’t think it could be because I thought depression meant being sad and low while I felt angry and on edge, I vowed to be calmer and then the crying and neediness would trigger me so quickly to anger and irritability - I didn’t know myself at all.
Often compounded by feeling everything depends on you, please go to the doctor and get your partner to do more with your child so he’s not as clingy to you.
Hang in there, let people know you’re struggling, support is available and people have felt like you do, sending you strength x

I'd really encourage you to check out APNI as it sounds like maybe you have PND. They are a great source of info and also have volunteers you can chat with who have experienced similar.

apni.org/

I feel how you do quite often, but I also know I am depressed (and now taking medication for it). Its tough, really tough. Please don't go through this alone, get some support to explore these feelings before you make any big decisions

This was me during half term and my son is 7 ! Love him to bits but there were a couple of occasions when I didn't like him!
Totally normal , but the sleeping thing needs to be addressed
Once that is sorted you'll feel so much more able to cope .
You don't need a parenting class , you need to sleep !

your feelings when he cries are totally normal and very familiar to me. My youngest is six now but I remember well the awfulness of prolonged sleep deprivation and a whiny child, so you have my sympathy.

Talk to your gp so that you can get support as you are totally overwhelmed. Tell your partner that you need sleep and time for yourself or you wont be able to keep going.

it gets better, but for me, not until the age of around 4, so you need to find ways to get sleep so you can survive. Sleep changes everything!

Best of luck

See your GP, tell them what you have told us.

Get signed off work. Use the daytime to sleep if you need to.

You sound like you’re at breaking point… it can’t go on like this.

Before you make a decision to leave your family permanently, see what else you can drop for a bit (work) to see if that makes a difference.

You’ll get through this, give yourself a break

You need a break. Do you have parents who could have him for a weekend? Could your partner look after him whilst you go away and have a break for a weekend? It’s relentless and exhausting. You need to ask others to help you out.

I don't think it has to be stay or leave.

The toddler years are incredibly hard. Dd was fine but the ds a nightmare until he started half days at nursery and developed his speech more. He was speech delayed, so up until about 3 his main communication was melt downs.

I had days where I felt the same. I remember trying to supermarket shop with him and just wanting to leave him screaming in the supermarket.

Do you really have no times or days where you feel better with him?

Can you and dp take in turns for nights, so you are at least getting a full night, every other night?

Have you spoken to your partner? Could you speak to your Gp? It sounds like it could depression.

Of course if you have investigated everything and taken that time and still can't do it, it may be the right decision to move out.

But I think there's a lot of things you should try before, you go down the route of leaving.

My heart breaks for my children when they are genuinely sad or hurt themselves. When they are crying in a tantrum over nothing there is no sympathy. Of course I act sympathetic and try to calm them but really in my head I am thinking "this is ridiculous, you are so unreasonable, stop the bloody noise" and sometimes I do walk away or react impatiently. None of that means I don't love them. And I am sure you love your son too. Parenting is hard and you are tired.

I don't have any advice parenting wise but your work days are very long too OP. You sound at breaking point I agree with all PP above and see if someone can step in today and take him while you have a chat to your GP. Big tight hugs, I know it's not much but your post just reads raw, you need help and quick xxx

OP I feel sick with stress sometimes when my kids cry - It doesn't always break my heart ! It's very very tough working long hours with a non sleeping child - I've done it and remember the exhaustion - your brain is not functioning properly because of that lack of sleep -

Step 1 - please forget the notion of 'ideal ' mum which doesn't exist - it's normal to want to run away from a clingy child - you are also in a phase where they are a pain in the arse a lot of the time.

Can you sit down and tell your partner how you are feeling and work out steps to protect yourself - firstly and vitally you need to sleep. Can you and your partner do proper swaps so every other night you get a full uninerrupted night - it will take a while for your brain to relax enough to sleep properly but you will.

Also reach out to your parents, get a weekend off - you are basically working with no downtime because when you aren't working you have a difficult 2 year old to look after - it's no wonder you feel like this. Deal with the practical stuff of ensuring you get a proper break and then look at the deeper feelings of PND/ depression

Could you afford to either drop a day of work (but keep him in childcare) or put him in childcare on your day off? I found I really needed that time sometimes to recover from it all. Parenting is a relentless slog - mine are 9 and 7 and it's only because they are often out at friends/ activities that I get a breather. The bit you are in is just relentless - but it does get better.

I don’t think it’s PND. I think you’re absolutely worn out. No one can think straight and act rationally on so little sleep. I often think that if new mums were able to sleep more, there’d be far fewer cases of PND diagnosed. Get his dad to have him this weekend, you go to a hotel and just SLEEP. No one will be harmed, you’ll start to feel like your old self and things will feel easier all round x

I agree with PPs, it sounds like PND. See your GP ASAP.

Also - have you tried sleep training? It's much easier to do while they're still in a cot rather than a bed they can just get out of. The Ferber method is the quickest and best, although it can be hard work for the first couple of nights.

You sound overwhelmed and exhausted OP.
Definitely see your gp.
Could you get some signed off for a couple of weeks and have some time to catch up on sleep, life etc whilst your ds is in childcare.
Best wishes, life can be tough.

I've definitely been there with both DDs, age 2 and 3 was the worst. You aren't a bad mum and your feelings are normal. I had to have a complete lifestyle change to a working from home job when DD2 was 2 or I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. It took me probably the best part of two years to recover. Absolute lifesavers were having a lie in one day a weekend and getting time away from the kids.

This must be really hard for you OP and you must feel desperate if you are considering moving away.

I also think this could be unresolved PND and you should speak to your GP about whether you decide to leave or not.Then think about a sleep specialist if you can afford it might not be too expensive and can be worth it for your mental health. Broken sleep, and the relentlessness of it all at this age is really hard. I felt so trapped at times and I did have PND also and I had some counsellingwhich helped me. It does get easier.

I hear you xx it could be PND. Or, dare I say it, it could be that motherhood just isn’t for you. I think that’s the option that most people will pretend doesn’t exist.

Unfortunately, there is no way to know until you have one. And it must be the reason that some people just walk away from their kids. I totally get it. I love my son but would I have kids at all if I had my time again? Not sure.

One mistake I made was not seeing my GP, but this was ten years ago and I hope mental health issues and PND are better understood by GPs now.

And two year olds are generally arseholes. Unrelenting dictators. You are NOT alone.