To consider giving up my son.

[sheeraa]

My son is nearly 2. By this stage I thought I would’ve settled into life as a mum and have my shit together.

I thought I was going to be a picture perfect mum, gentle and calm.
I’m so far from that that I don’t even like who I am.

I just generally feel like I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

My days feel stressful and rushed. Nothing seems calm and I feel like I’m just not enjoying my life right now.

I work 4 days a week 8-5 and I barely have time to do anything inbetween.

DS still doesn’t sleep through (never has) and I’m surviving on broken sleep. The most consecutive sleep I get is 3 hours, occasionally 4.

He’s very recently started to have horrendous tantrums and they just seem to trigger something awful in me.

I’m ashamed to type this out, but I’ve had days where I feel like don’t like him very much.
There’s days where all he wants is me and I just feel like I don’t want to be around him.

I can’t seem to get five minutes to myself as he’s always right behind me and has tantrums if I don’t attend to him or meet his demands immediately.

He isn’t like this with his Dad, only me.

There’s times where he’s screaming and crying for me and I’ve had to just walk away.

I’ve heard so many mums say it’s breaks their heart when their children cry, but recently when my son is screaming and crying, I could just walk out.
There’s been so many times when I could easily just scream back at him, I haven’t done this which is why I chose to walk away.

I’m starting to even question if I love my son, because surely a mother that loves her children does not feel like this towards them.

I’ve given it some thought and think it could be better for both of us if he was to live with his Dad and I leave.
I would of course still see my son, I’m not suggesting I never see him again.

I think a few times a week spending time with hun will be better than him having to live with me the way I feel.
I don’t want to damage my son but feel I am just not adjusting to be the mum I so badly thought i would be.

The no sleep / tantrum noise double assault is pretty close to breaking anyone, I agree with pp

It’s normal to feel as you do plus you are doing well just to walk away.

Agree the lack of sleep is a HUGE factor. I had two non sleepers. I have no patience on broken sleep and I just wanted to run away and not have to deal with unreasonable, noisy, shouty toddler. With better sleep, I was so much more able to “lean in” and give my child a cuddle or take the time to play with them. Still was never a perfect parent but I didn’t feel ragey and snappy in the same way.

How much childcare is your partner doing? How much of the night waking? You absolutely have to share it 50/50 so you both get some unbroken rest.

@juliainthedeepwater I totally agree. Motherhood is hard, everyone struggles with toddlers. Some people do genuinely get depression but I hate the way Mums are almost encouraged to label themselves with PND now.

I mean I have 3 month old twins who cry all day sometimes, it’s hard and shit some days but it’s situational. The solution for me is to seek help through support from DH, get more sleep and take care of myself. Not medication or diagnosis.

Haven’t read all of the replies but I was very much like this with my middle child. He was always having tantrums, I felt like there was no joy in anything, I remember taking him to the park and him whacking my feet with his scooter and I was just in tears on the bench. I hated life then, does he go to nursery? I found once he started school it slowly got better now he is at high school it’s amazing, still has his moments but all in all life did get easier

Bless you .Being held hostage by a toddler is bloody exhausting and even harder doing it on your own!! I think you sound exhausted…there is a reason why sleep deprivation is a form of torture!
Do you have family or friends who can have DS overnight once a week?
I have my granddaughter once a week for 24 hrs and it has definitely been a lifesaver for my daughter. 💐

No wonder you feel the way you do, sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

OP I just want to say, I understand. The guilt of feeling you don’t like your own child is horrendous. Do seek out help, it’s ok to feel ambivalent or resentful, but it can get better. Be kind to yourself xxxx

I've been where you are. Felt like you do. Broken sleep is hideous. It gets a bit better when you get more sleep.

You sound just like I was OP, my DD is almost 2 and can have some horrendous tantrums so I really feel for you. I agree with what others have said about PND, they class the postnatal period as up to 5 years I believe. Unfortunately I had a big burnout due to all the stress at home and at work and the three things that have helped me are talking therapy, sertraline and reducing my hours at work. I now do 9-4 which means I have time before and after work just for me and that definitely helps. Maybe get signed off for a couple of weeks and just do what YOU want to do. I'm not saying you need medication at all, for me it helps me feel more emotionally balanced and when my DD does have a tantrum, I can handle it in a more calm manner. Your sons behaviour sounds totally normal to me, toddlers are complex little beings who get easily frustrated because they can't express exactly what it is they want and unfortunately in my experience it manifests as crying!

Do you get out and about with him much? At weekend I've found going out and doing things with DD make me feel much more positive about my time with her, it helps to overshadow the bad times. Distracting DD with activities helps us, she gets very bored at home (resulting in tantrums!). If you're stuck inside, try getting your son to 'help' with things - chores, cooking, cleaning etc.

The idea of a perfect mother with a perfect house and life is a total myth and anyone who portrays themselves as so is a liar. Likewise anyone who says their child is an angel is a liar! Please be kind to yourself, being a parent is HARD and sleep deprivation just makes everything worse. Hang in there, I'm sure you're doing a great job!

I have to say this age is an absolutely relentless nightmare. I felt the same with my DS and he was my third. Quite unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. He was just such high needs I felt on a knife edge all the time. I had some therapy and take a low dose of anti depressant and all I can say is it does get better . But at this point it is relentless. Make sure dad pulls his weight and steps in when dS is being challenging and remember this will pass

Sorry to hear you're struggling OP, my DS is about the same age and I can relate sometimes!

You've gotten a lot of good advice already, I just wanted to let you know that we have a thread here on MN that is totally non-judgemental and a great place if you need to let off steam: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4292353-Trapped-toddler-parents-Inspiration-and-support-needed-through-the-summer-hols?msgid=112193584

We all have DC that can be exhausting sometimes and it is good to know you aren't the only one feeling the way you do. Maybe see you there

Hope you feel better soon

It sounds like there's positive attachment to you which shows how much he loves you as you are his mum. The tantrums are his way of expressing how he feels.

I have four DC and understand how it feels to be overwhelmed. I sometimes have to ask DH to take over with the youngest.

Take a deep breath, it will get easier. I have a teenager who I have lots of great conversations with nowadays, it's really fantastic. Not saying that to be smug, more for giving you hope that it does get more fun.

Haven’t read most of the replies but I’m betting most of them are suggesting you may have PND. However, it’s not always this.

You’re not getting enough sleep. Lack of sleep for long enough would test the patience of a saint. Maybe see if you can get help with his sleeping and then you’ll get a decent night. Maybe book you self into a hotel for a weekend soon, take some Nytol and sleep for 2 nights and you will see what it does to your mood.

Also toddlers can be really frustrating. I never really enjoyed those years. I find really young children hard work. If it wasn’t so socially frowned upon, a lot more mothers would do what many fathers do and just walk out and see the kids every other weekend, swooping in to play Disney mum and then spend more time when the kids are almost old enough to go to the pub with them!

I used to read posts of people saying they love the toddler years and how it’s all full of joy and they love finger painting and kicking leaves in the mud and think ‘is there something wrong with me because I don’t feel like doing that?’. Then I realised that those posts were written by women who had time and help. DH and I were working full time with zero family help. We were tired, nearly everything felt like a chore.

Don’t beat yourself up, this period will pass. See if you can get away alone and get a good night sleep somewhere, even a Premier Inn in the same town. I did that a couple of times when I was overwhelmed. DH was in sole charge of the kids. I booked myself in 10 minutes walk away for 2 nights. Bought loads of crappy magazines, a bottle of wine. Went to the cinema alone, traipsed around the shops, went back to my room, watched telly, drank wine and ate cake, was in bed by 10pm both nights. No waking up to ‘mummy, ‘mummy, ‘MUMMY’ at the crack of dawn. Went home feeling like me again with a lot more patience. DH has done it too.

I genuinely believe you wouldn’t ever give up your son but you need a rest and a bit of time away from him. There will be people who will try and guilt you into feeling you need to be with your kids 24/7 even more so if you work as they expect you want to spend every non working moment with your children but it’s ok to want/need a break from them. You’re a person in your own right and it’s better for all of you for you to avoid driving yourself to a breakdown.

Do you have a sure start children's centre near you?

My DS has never been a good sleeper, even now at age 7. If you have never had a child who doesn't sleep well you do not know what it's like. I co-slept with DS for many years, we are slowly transitioning to him sleeping alone, some nights it works, sometimes it doesn't. Can you afford to go even more part time, I found the expectations / stress at work were awful when I had had so little sleep so I dropped my hours temporarily and then have built them up again as DS got older. Echo going out and doing things even if it is only for a walk to spot snails, or getting on a bus. My DS is a livewire and it is a buzzing /thinking head that stops him sleeping - he was an alert baby, an alert toddler and now seems to manage on relatively little sleep compared to peers. It will get better OP - my DH always says to me when I'm struggling 'this too will pass'.

Agree OP you urgently need some down time / time off.

A couple of nights away is a great idea.

And, could he go to childcare on the fifth day when you don’t work? My similar aged son goes to nursery the morning of my day off, and that time is very precious.

Once you’ve recharged a bit you can think about improving things.

I got help and advice from Ann Caird nurturingsleep.co.U.K.
She’s reasonably priced, pay as you go (not an upfront package like many) and transformed our lives and my experience of parenting from her guidance for DC2. I wish I’d had her help with DC1 when I had times of feeling as you do.

Www.ahaparenting.com has brilliant advice for toddler tantrums and much more (I also recommend her book, Calm Parents, Peaceful Kids)

However to parent as she advises (which I can confirm is great in the long run) you need to be well rested yourself.

So start with some emergency interventions to help you sleep and recover and THEN look at putting things in place to improve your day to day.

Lack of sleep is horrendous, it honestly is one if the worst things and on top of that you're working and looking after your son. Is your DS's Dad supportive? It sounds like you need a break.

Dear OP, I think all mums recognise at least a little of what you're describing, and it shows great insight on your part that you've been able to put it into words so clearly.

Your feelings of love for your child can very, very easily become absolutely buried under exhaustion and depression. I just wanted to add my voice to those of the others to say please seek help, from your GP, from your local Sure Start centre or a parenting charity. You deserve support with this and the right support can make all the difference. You don't say much about your husband, but he has an absolutely vital role to play here too, and I hope he shares domestic and childcare duties equally with you.

From my own experience I know that having the chance to step away from family life for a weekend, a week or even two weeks, is absolutely amazing. Apart from anything, it's a chance to catch up on much needed sleep. I think every parent should do that once a year. Is that something that you might be able to consider?

Sounds like depression. Could you go part time? As in just work mornings or afternoons? So you have half the day to yourself whilst your ds is in childcare?

You put a lot of pressure on yourself by imagining you’d be a perfect parent.

I know lots of great parents but none of them are anywhere near ‘perfect’. Especially in the baby/toddler phase most parents are just muddling through doing what they need to get through each day.

I'd speak to your GP (believe me, they've heard your story a zillion times before) and also look up your local homestart and see if you can access support that way.

Let others know that you are struggling. I've always found that the minute I tell another parent that I'm struggling that they will often have first hand experience of similar or will know someone closely who has.

Letting go of the 'secret' that you feel like this could be a good first step to improving your situation.

Most of all though, please stop beating yourself up. Take control of the things that you can, like making an appointment with your GP. One day at a time.

When mine were that age, I was in time out a lot! Hiding away in the bathroom.
I wanted to run away so badly at one point as the bathroom just wasn't even anymore and I stormed into the garden shutting the door behind me and the saying "for fuck sake. Fuck my life" really loudly. I looked up and my neighbours were just staring at me. I just said "it was either me or the kids having a few minutes outside"

No advice, just to let you know that you're not alone. Many of us have been there. Even at times not liking our own children. It doesn't mean we don't love them. You'll get through this!

Take a deep breath, it will get easier. I have a teenager who I have lots of great conversations with nowadays, it's really fantastic. Not saying that to be smug, more for giving you hope that it does get more fun.

@HarrisMcCoo that’s nice to read. I hate it when you complain about your babies/ toddlers terrorising you and people say ‘just you wait until they are teenagers!’.

@sheeraa What really jumped out at me is ‘He’s very recently started to have horrendous tantrums and they just seem to trigger something awful in me.’

That’s very perceptive of you - tantrums, being screamed at, they very much DO trigger unbearable emotions in a lot of people, it’s absolutely a human response. Particularly if you’ve had an uhhh ‘eventful’ shall we say, upbringing. Basically, your fight or flight is being switched on here.

I have been through this recently, and I know EXACTLY how you feel. I contacted a play therapist because I was terrified and they recommended this parenting approach - it really really acknowledges you as a human being with your own triggers that are being tripped by challenging behaviour. And it IS a challenge!

This is not snake oil, it’s a non-profit org but you can find and speak to a parenting person (I spoke to a lovely lady who was really helpful and not at allll pushy, just pointed out various resources, and the hour was free - pm me if you’d like her details I would 1000% recommend it it really helped)
www.handinhandparenting.org/

It’s great you’re thinking critically about your life and parenting and how you might want to change it - it’s hard!

I think it's incredibly hard to have a job and a toddler and perhaps without much extended family for support.

I hear you! The tantrums at two are the worst! I wanted to walk away from mine in public!!! Where there was no one else to look after him! He also doesn't sleep through and never has. I can't imagine how I would cope if I had my old job too. I generally feel that I'm coping ok, some days I feel fantastic but there are defo days where I need a lot of help.

Mine is almost three now and loads better as he can talk a lot more. Having said that when he was screaming in the middle of the night last night because of his cold and nothing was calming him down both me and DH wanted to run away.

I think if it all feels too much and someone else responsible is there defo go out and get a break.

I feel that maybe you think it's all or nothing. It's ok to need support. Can you afford nursery support on the day you have off from work? Can you take some me time then? We all need it.

Defo look for support, we all need support.

Lots of love and hugs x

I think his dad really needs to step up - if your other option is leaving then you must think his dad is capable of doing more than he is currently.

Our eldest is a terrible sleeper and was still breastfeeding at night aged 2 but his dad used to get up with him from half five Every single day so that I could have a lie in - until quarter past seven on weekdays and until I woke up on the weekends. That kept me sane.

His dad also came home from work and immediately pitched in with whatever needed doing - usually this meant taking over with our son so I could finally crack on with some chores unhindered (I was a SAHP), he always did bath and stories and then I did bedtime. While I was doing bedtime he'd be catching up with whatever I hadn't managed to do in the house, so tidying or prepping dinner or whatever. That meant I was less stressed when our son was being very clingy with me.

Basically it sounds like you need more support. I'd agree the GP would also be a good place to get help.