To consider giving up my son.

[sheeraa]

My son is nearly 2. By this stage I thought I would’ve settled into life as a mum and have my shit together.

I thought I was going to be a picture perfect mum, gentle and calm.
I’m so far from that that I don’t even like who I am.

I just generally feel like I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

My days feel stressful and rushed. Nothing seems calm and I feel like I’m just not enjoying my life right now.

I work 4 days a week 8-5 and I barely have time to do anything inbetween.

DS still doesn’t sleep through (never has) and I’m surviving on broken sleep. The most consecutive sleep I get is 3 hours, occasionally 4.

He’s very recently started to have horrendous tantrums and they just seem to trigger something awful in me.

I’m ashamed to type this out, but I’ve had days where I feel like don’t like him very much.
There’s days where all he wants is me and I just feel like I don’t want to be around him.

I can’t seem to get five minutes to myself as he’s always right behind me and has tantrums if I don’t attend to him or meet his demands immediately.

He isn’t like this with his Dad, only me.

There’s times where he’s screaming and crying for me and I’ve had to just walk away.

I’ve heard so many mums say it’s breaks their heart when their children cry, but recently when my son is screaming and crying, I could just walk out.
There’s been so many times when I could easily just scream back at him, I haven’t done this which is why I chose to walk away.

I’m starting to even question if I love my son, because surely a mother that loves her children does not feel like this towards them.

I’ve given it some thought and think it could be better for both of us if he was to live with his Dad and I leave.
I would of course still see my son, I’m not suggesting I never see him again.

I think a few times a week spending time with hun will be better than him having to live with me the way I feel.
I don’t want to damage my son but feel I am just not adjusting to be the mum I so badly thought i would be.

When I saw this title I knew it was going to be about a toddler. It’s such a hard stage and I’m not even a single parent. Have you tried co sleeping or had any advice about his sleep?

By age 3 she was a different child. It sounds like you are his safe space. It’s fine to walk away when they have a tantrum as there is often nothing you can do.

Saying that, there’s nothing wrong with him living with his Dad. If that works for you why not? Doesn’t make you any less of his Mum.

I get it, my oldest was an absolute nightmare non sleeper it was honestly the worst time of my life instead of the best. I was a single parent without a partner in the picture though my mum helped a bit. Your DH must be a decent dad or you wouldn’t even be considering this so why can’t you take it in turns to have disturbed nights? You be on “ duty” one night then him the next, if he is a surgeon or airline pilot so can’t do his job without sleep he should do any night when he’s not working the next day. Even one or two full nights sleep a week would help you so much. Sleep in separate rooms, if you have a small place one sleeps in the living room with ear plugs if necessary. Can you go to a family member or friends house to have a night of uninterrupted sleep, can you take a day’s leave and just sleep, can your DH take the toddler out all day at a weekend so that you can sleep all day there are so many options. Or is it that he doesn’t do his share, leaves you to suffer this non sleep torture and you think that he would have to step up if you left him to it? I ended up having a mini breakdown when my oldest was 28 months pretty much down to how my oldest was, my mum dragged me to the GP. Please ask for help now.

Sending you lots of love. I can really relate to the part when you say about your son being different with you than with his Dad. Mine is like this too. You are a good Mum so please don't think otherwise. Is there anymore help you can access? Can his Dad get up in the night with him sometimes so you can sleep through? (I realise this is not always possible - my DH has never got up in the night with my DS). I think I would go and see the GP to see if there is any help they can offer. for you

This all sounds totally normal, honestly.

Totally normal. You need a break. You need REST. Make it your priority to somehow just go away, on your own, for a week. Can your partner take a week off work to facilitate this? The alternative is too drastic. All sympathy op.

Show your partner this thread. Speak to your GP. Organise a break. Before you break.

It could just be that the toddler years aren't for you, rather than motherhood itself! But if a dramatic statement. For me it was more doing a very demanding professional.job AND being a mum to young children at the same time were not for me. I loved the mum bit, I just felt I was doing both badly. Now I don't, they are 16 and 12, and while teenagers have their own demands I've never ft in that trapped, depressed state I felt ten years ago, and it got much easier every year as they got older. After a couple of years I was able to go back to my career witha fresh perspective.

Of course you love your son. You are dealing with the terrible twos and remember that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture - my daughter never slept through the night until older. I look haunted in photographs from back then.

Your post only mentions that he isn't like this with his dad but little else with regards to his support or involvement. Are you doing this on your own? For a quick fix method - do you have parents, siblings or close friends nearby who could do an overnight or two a house swap, to give you a night or two of unbroken sleep and refresh your batteries. Can you take some annual leave catch up on some sleep/personal errands whilst your son is in daycare.

Every mother goes through those hair tearing moments with toddlers. It's a difficult age. All the things you say you 'want' to do walk away from him, scream back at him - you haven't done it.

If you get the sleep sorted you will feel so much better. Have you thought about getting in touch with a sleep professional? We did this and it made all the difference

Also being prevented from sleeping is actually used as a means of torture, so no wonder it drives you to despair.

I feel for you, OP. My son was exactly like this at this age, and I was on my knees. I just wanted to say that he miraculously started sleeping more and behaving better at age 3, and since then has not given me even a day of trouble. He is now 17 and a delight most of the time.

Please do see your GP. Things have improved since my time.

Crosspost

Sleep deprivation is terrible. For me it made me a different person and completely unable to cope in the long-term. I think it is highly unlikely you are a bad mother. Honestly, if you were getting a full night's sleep you'd be amazed how different you feel. Basically, you are working 24/7 and it's so surprise you are burning out. You need to find a way to get some rest urgently.

Also, it's totally normal to feel alienated from a shouting, tantruming child and well done you on walking away. That is what your DC needs to see - that if he has a tantrum you will basically ignore it. Easy to say but can be hard to do in practice. Hearing a toddler shouting in anger/frustration is not at all the same as hearing a toddler or baby crying in distress so the feelings will be very different for the parents.

Do not beat yourself up for being human - you are not a machine, you a person who is operating at her limit.

I misread your post somehow that you were a single parent and thinking of him living with his dad (baby twins brain).

Honestly everyone feels like this during the terrible twos. You need some time off. With my twins (they are babies), we share the nights 50/50 and always make sure we get our time at the weekends. When DH gets home from work I go and have a long bath. Nursery is also great for our eldest.

You will get through it!

I want to give you a massive hug OP x
It will be ok, this is a passing phase and you will get through it.

My DCs are much older and the one thing I would say is that this won’t be forever. It took me a long time to realise this and I wish I hadn’t of worried so much.

However, this is how it is now and you need to work out how to cope with the here and now. Think about what works and what doesn’t work. Stick with what does and change what doesn’t. Try to pre-empt triggers in behaviour (yours and his) and divert that trigger.

Small changes can make a massive difference.

Don’t make any big decisions when you’re this sleep-deprived — there’s a reason it’s used as a torture method. Go away for a weekend to a hotel or AirBnb and sleep solidly, and then talk to your DP/DH about how to share nights so you both get more sleep. I think in your shoes I would do my best to make positive changes to improve everyday conditions for yourself — eg putting your toddler in daycare for your day off to give you some rest, at least for a few weeks — before making the decision to move out. And do talk to your GP about possible PND. The reason you’re feeling so triggered by his tantrums is because he’s screaming aloud for what he wants, and you (understandably) feel like your needs are never met.

And ditch your idealised ideas about motherhood. Good luck, OP.

OP I feel like I could have written this myself. I am feeling the exact same right now. Even down to the working hours and lack of sleep.

I have started on anti depressants 6 weeks ago which are helping somewhat, but ultimately I think the toddler years are just bloody hard and we haven't slept properly in 2 years.

I am trying to do small things for myself. I have just started swimming, and a few evenings a week, or a saturday morning I take myself off and swim. I am finding having me time is helping refill my pot. I also had a frank discussion with my husband about the fact he doesn't help enough at night or in the mornings before work. He is now making an effort to pull his weight more.

Can you talk to your partner about how you are feeling, and think about ways you can find more time for yourself?

The toddler years are hard. Does your dp help? It sounds as if you need him to step up.

Bless you I have been feeling a bit like this as well. They are such hard work abs the lack of sleep is a killer and i think it can make you depressed. I think you should focus on trying to improve his sleep as a good night sleep for you will make you feel so much better. There is loads of advice online about children sleep and you could even consider getting a sleep consultant.

I agree with @foolsrule, you need sleep and then you will feel so much better. I have felt exactly the same as you and whilst I don't think I wasnt meant to be a mum, I do think I am utterly awful at coping with no sleep and for that reason am unlikely to have another. You have a lot on your plate- working long days on top of the physical and mental demands of a toddler is incredibly hard. You're pulled in all directions on top of no proper sleep. I don't have any real advice other than try to find a way to get a decent night's sleep every week minimum, and that you really aren't the only one that feels like this

Can I just add.

Ignore tantrums, I KNOW it’s easier said than done but they have them for a reason, if you pander to them they will only get worse and more frequent!

Oh @sheeraa I'm so sorry your having a rough time
Please speak to the GP or health visitor

Could you drop to 3 days and work on a Monday, Wednesday and Friday as that would give you some days off in-between to catch up and on one of those days (either Tuesday or Thursday) still book nursery and have a day to yourself

Mine was like this (but was getting a little easier sleep wise at 2). He was later diagnosed with ASD (but not until aged 10!). Just keep in mind he might be behaving like this because he has SN - it might just be that he's a demanding two year old, or it might be something more. How does he play? How is he with other children? How is he with transitions/new things? Any sensory issues? How is he with food?

Please don't move out though!! When you don't sleep properly it's torture but can you do anything to make the nights easier for now? ie co sleep or move his bed/cot into your bedroom? It might make him feel more secure and mean you get a good nights sleep and that's what's most important right now.

Sleep deprivation is the absolute worst. I am suffering fron pnd and when I have bad nights with my 11 month old, the next days are so much worse and I spend them in tears.

I would 100% get signed off from work, keep him in childcare and do nothing but catch up on sleep, rest and alone time.

Sorry things seem so hard. My first was and still is a dream, no tantrums, excellent sleeper etc. My 2nd has truly broken me and I sometimes wish I didnt have to be around him all the time. Like you I feel massively guilty about that, but parenting high needs kids is so hard.

Sleep deprivation for so long is torture, and it makes everything so much worse.

It is totally normal to feel irate when you're child cries, it is totally normal to not always want to be around them or to not even like them all the time. Sleep deprivation will also be making all this worse. It affects your tolerance levels

What you are feeling does not make you a bad mum

I had a non sleeper and it was hellish I ended up giving up work because something had to give. I'm not suggesting giving up because getting back was hard but I would go see your gp tell them how you feel and ask for a few weeks fit note. Keep your LO in nursery and have some time alone do whatever you like sleep neet friends tidy whatever after having that time I promise you will see things a bit clearer and it will be easier to set up an action plan. It's such a wanky thing to say but try to meet his needs when he wants you stop what your doing and sit with him he can probably feel your stress and is reacting it's easier not to fight it and just go with it sleep with him sit on the floor with him and mess about on your phone while he plays. I say this as someone who done and felt what you are doing and feeling not as someone preaching.

You could reduce your hours temporarily so you have a day off alone or a couple of hours before pick up or add a morning/day in nursery where you can have some breathing space hire a cleaner so you don't need to do that.

I found the baby and toddler years with ds2 completly different and far easier because I carved out alone time for myself and I don't mean a couple of hours here and there I had 2 hours 3 days a week between finishing work and collecting the kids where i went home and lay down watched some tv or went for a wander round the shops. I was a game changer.