To consider giving up my son.

[sheeraa]

My son is nearly 2. By this stage I thought I would’ve settled into life as a mum and have my shit together.

I thought I was going to be a picture perfect mum, gentle and calm.
I’m so far from that that I don’t even like who I am.

I just generally feel like I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

My days feel stressful and rushed. Nothing seems calm and I feel like I’m just not enjoying my life right now.

I work 4 days a week 8-5 and I barely have time to do anything inbetween.

DS still doesn’t sleep through (never has) and I’m surviving on broken sleep. The most consecutive sleep I get is 3 hours, occasionally 4.

He’s very recently started to have horrendous tantrums and they just seem to trigger something awful in me.

I’m ashamed to type this out, but I’ve had days where I feel like don’t like him very much.
There’s days where all he wants is me and I just feel like I don’t want to be around him.

I can’t seem to get five minutes to myself as he’s always right behind me and has tantrums if I don’t attend to him or meet his demands immediately.

He isn’t like this with his Dad, only me.

There’s times where he’s screaming and crying for me and I’ve had to just walk away.

I’ve heard so many mums say it’s breaks their heart when their children cry, but recently when my son is screaming and crying, I could just walk out.
There’s been so many times when I could easily just scream back at him, I haven’t done this which is why I chose to walk away.

I’m starting to even question if I love my son, because surely a mother that loves her children does not feel like this towards them.

I’ve given it some thought and think it could be better for both of us if he was to live with his Dad and I leave.
I would of course still see my son, I’m not suggesting I never see him again.

I think a few times a week spending time with hun will be better than him having to live with me the way I feel.
I don’t want to damage my son but feel I am just not adjusting to be the mum I so badly thought i would be.

Also can his dad do more so you have a set time to yourself. I used to get up at six so I could have a bath in peace every morning while my husband had our son for 20 minutes before going to work. We used to go to a soft play place sometimes where he could just run around freely in the toddler area and we would just literally slump there and watch him. Or could you get his dad to take him out for an hour or two every weekend to give you a break?

First and foremost, try and put all thoughts of being a perfect mum out of your head - there’s no such thing. Any woman who claims to be, is living in Cloud Cuckoo Land. We all muddle along, making it up as we go, because there is no handbook. You are doing your best, and you love your son, that’s all you can do. Is his dad in a position to give you more time to yourself?

I have three kids and I know for a fact that I love them, but I definitely don’t always like them! Kids will piss you off, sometimes deliberately, that’s basically their job until they become fully functioning little humans. Right now, your DS is at the age where communication is frustrating, hence the tantrums. My eldest had a tantrum in Asda when she was two - the throwing herself on the floor, screaming blue murder kind. At that point, she still wasn’t sleeping through the night - I literally had to walk away from her, which actually worked, as she looked up, saw I wasn’t there, then stopped. I know it’s a cliche, but seriously, it will get better, which probably doesn’t help whilst you’re in the middle of it. One day, you’ll look back and laugh, and think how quickly that period flew by.

Ok, that’s probably a lie, but one day equilibrium will be restored to your universe, and you’ll be able say you got through it.

Sounds like PND, I was the same I used to tell my husband all the time she was better off with him and if I left! I didn't get anywhere with my GP, but my health visitor was amazing!

Also, I didn't like my 2yo much yesterday either, she tantrumed from getting up to going to bed, it's an exhausting age and you're doing it wth no sleep, so try not and beat yourself up could you do something once per week on your own? Go for a coffee/walk/exercise class? And your husband should be doing some night wakes to be honest, you need to share the burden. Sit down and have a chat with him, tell him how you're feeling and come up with a plan together of how you're going to make it easier on you - he is yours husbands son too this shouldn't all fall to you

Honestly having a child isn't like the movies and all picture perfect.

It's shit sometimes really really shit. I have an almost 2 year old who does exactly the same behaviours doesn't sleep through and can be absolutely tiring. I also work which is my bloody saviour sometimes.

Don't be so hard on yourself and have too much expectation. Ride it out it really does get easier I know as I have a 9 year old too. This stage is difficult and can be overwhelming especially if you are tired as well.

Are you in a position to send your little one to a childminder or nursery on a day you have off just to have a breather even for a few hours?

Sorry you are going through this.

Like other posters have said check for PND first.

Then I would say stop worrying and try to let go of the idea of the calm perfect mum (easier said then done I know) because they don’t really exist. Most of what you see others doing is PR; carefully choreographed for social media etc There are some ‘natural’ mothers just as some are better at different skills and jobs but even then behind closed doors they are having days like you.

Your DC is nearly 2 and has made it in one piece so it sounds like you are doing a great job.

It’s also helpful to remember that babies/children are continually going through different developmental phases and this period of following you around won’t last forever.

I also think that different people are more suited to children at different ages. You might find the toddler age really tough but sail through and really enjoy guiding them in their teenage years for example.

Ask for more support if you have friends and family. Be as clear as possible. You are not the sole parent and your DP needs to be helping her out as well. DP needs to help work with DC on clinginess and tantrums with mummy or he needs to take DC out the same time every week so you know when you will get a regular break without work.

I hope it all works out

Sounds like you’re doing fine, it’s normal to feel like that sometimes but agree you should speak to your GP as it sounds quite severe.
Please do not walk away from your son, you need to try and work through this. Walking away will be very harmful for him. He needs you. You don’t have to be perfect, but just good enough, and there.

Doctor. A day or two by yourself somewhere. Sleep consultant. Reduced hours. Read some books about toddlers eg whole brain child.

You're experiencing a more extreme form of what toddlers are like for everyone - rage inducing and exhausting. Get help and it will be ok and you'll love the coming years. Don't blow your family apart, you just need help.

I had a difficult 2 year, he's improving now. I would contact your HV to ask for advice and support. Mine has been brilliant and has so much more time than the GP. Your HV should be able to give you strategies to improve behaviour and sleep.

I agree with those saying it could be pnd - it presents in different ways and quite often that’s anger/ rage or just wanting to leave.

Quite often on threads like this you’ll get people insisting it’s not PND and that it’s wrong to always suggest that, that maybe motherhood is just absolutely terrible and that’s that. I get that there are real, hard issues that can’t just be waved away with ‘oh it’s pnd’ but I also think it’s always worth seeking help just in case it is that. Because what if it could be helped and you didn’t have to feel like this? It’s definitely worth trying your GP or health visitor as a first port of call.

I googled pnd support group plus my local area and found a lovely, supportive group that has been a real lifeline at times. Some members are struggling with much more than ‘just’ pnd and often it is a combination of that plus sleep deprivation plus other issues and stresses. Nobody who joins needs an official diagnosis, but we know enough between us to point each other in the right direction if that’s useful. But the point is it’s a really supportive group of mums who are there to listen and have each other’s back - it won’t fix everything but it might be worth looking to see if there’s anything similar in your area. PANDAS foundation might be another possible port of call?

Some days I nail the calm, unruffled mum thing - well I should say parts of some days, not sure I’ve ever pulled off a full day. I absolutely adore my 15 month old and theoretically I can’t bear the idea of her ever shedding a tear or being upset. But when we’ve had a crap nights sleep and we are on our 6th meltdown of the day and it’s only 6am I definitely feel more rage than calm, and walking away is pretty much my best option. And it is so hard when all they want is you and you never get any space. My back is fucked from lugging my absolute chunk of a DD around because she’s gone from a Velcro baby to a Velcro toddler and even when her dad is there and great with her she still just wants me me me. Even when DH does his turn at bedtimes/ in the night she’ll be screaming for me and it takes ten times longer than me just doing it but I can feel stress levels rising in all three of us, but then feel like we have to persevere because it cant always be me. It’s not totally clear from your post whether your DS dad is still living with you both or not. If so - what is he doing to help and get you some rest? Can you take the nights in turn? Can he take DS out for the day one weekend day so you can have some space and sleep? Is there any other family that can help?

I follow some parenting type accounts on Instagram - I have to weed out the smug perfect ones that will make me feel worse, and go for the more realistic ones - because they’re quite good for ideas/ giving me a script for times when I feel a bit overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. There is help/ strategies out there but before you can even think about any of that it sounds like you need some sleep and a chat with your GP.

I think there are two parts to this op - you’re feeling at the end of your tether; and you’re beating yourself up for being a ‘bad mother’ / not the type of mother you think you should be.

Number one is completely understandable and normal. You are getting no sleep.

Number two is not true. I feel how you feel a lot of the time (I have a 17 month old who is going through a fussy period) but I don’t bother with the guilt or telling myself I’m a bad mother. My son is a pain in the arse to be honest at the moment - I cut myself some slack and allow myself to walk away, feel pissed off, drop him off at nursery early or pick him up late. We’re both trying our best. This will all pass.

Do you live with your partner? I think you need to split the nights better, because it sounds like you're the only one getting up to your son, and that's a partner problem, not a pnd/sleep/toddler problem.

Two or three nights a week, could you sleep on the sofa downstairs with earplugs/white noise and have your partner sleep with your son so that he has to do the getting up? 3 nights of unbroken sleep a week and you might be a changed woman!

When you're at home, are you trying to do all/some of the housework? Is your partner doing 50% of this? If not, and he won't, could you afford to get a cleaner in once a week, at least until the sleep thing is sorted?

Finally, there are lots of people out there who specialise in toddler sleep - google "sleep coach" in your area (or online) and book a session to see if there is anything you AND YOUR PARTNER could do to start getting your toddler sleeping through the night, or at least for 8 hours or so. You 100% don't have to do this on your own, but when you get this tired, it's impossible to gather the energy to seek help.

PND might be at play too, but it seems like there are some practical changes that could be made just to get you some solid rest.

Oh - is there something you could do that takes you outside the house one or two evenings a week? Even if it's just going to a cinema on your own and then for a hot chocolate! Space away from work and your baby might be really valuable. Or can your partner take the baby out to his parents house for tea once (or twice, or three times...:P) a week?

I feel you SO MUCH here, OP. Toddlers are a nightmare.

Put all thoughts of that idealistic Mary popping style parent out your head - we would all love to be that parent but in reality 2 year olds can be little horrors (as can every other age group) and every single one of us has moments where we could easily tear our hair out and breakdown. Add sleep deprivation and a lack of self care into the mix and it's no wonder you feel at breaking point. Does your DH know how you are feeling? And can you speak to your GP? It might be something that can be fixed by getting some more help with the childcare/having some time for yourself to sleep and breathe without having to be at your toddlers beck and call 24/7 because that's hard but you might benefit from some antidepressants or some counselling there is no shame in that, I am a rubbish l, horrible parent when I don't take my antidepressants because its hard to be a good parent when you are depressed. Don't make any big decisions right now, try and talk to your sons dad and see if you can get some more balance there and go easy on yourself. Walking away and taking a breath when they are tantruming won't hurt them, you need to be calm to deal with that so if you need to calm yourself down first then you do that, this stage will pass but that doesn't make it feel any less hellish while your in it.

Don’t judge how you feel as a parent when you have a baby/toddler. It’s relentless but honestly it gets so much easier as they get more independent.

Getting the sleep sorted is the first thing to work on. I did a very gentle form of sleep training with my eldest. Tell him you’ll sit by his bed until he falls asleep. Don’t chat, just a ley phrase ‘shhh, sleepy time. I love you night night’. He will cry. When there is a gsp in the crying say the phrase again. He’ll cry, when he goes quiet say the same phrase. Do the same process if he wakes in the night. You will be teaching him to self settle with reassurance that you are there. Learning to sleep is like any other a baby /child has to learn.

I am certain that once he is sleeping everything will get easier. X

It’s normal but the big factors are

• sleep
• getting your dp to field it all a bit more

You’ve done well to walk away as by two I don’t think screaming and tantrums is heart wrenching like a baby’s cries.

So dp can try to help the sleep and lessen ds reliance on you

To give some perspective - I have a tricky toddler who I love to bits but drives me insane.

He has awful trantrums that leave me wondering if there is actually something wrong and is he normal. We were at a lovely country park yesterday and the train ride was having its lunch break. He screamed for 20 mins. But I learned yesterday that the more I tried to console him, the more he screamed for the train. I sat 5 meters from him and after 5 mins the screaming stopped and we moved on and he started laughing again.

So during these screaming fits, I don't enjoy parenting, I get cross with him (no one else's children are screaming). But I have learned now to give him space.

Now with his father - he never does this and I think it's combination of when he was younger I gave him or 'made things better' to stop the screaming before a meltdown and his father just won't tolerate it. Someone also said my son feels safe with me so will act out (not sure about that one).

So - don't give up just yet. Behaviour changes as they get older. Sleep will improve. Despite my sons meltdowns we can now play games together and have fun - he is 3. At nearly two it was much different.

Also is your partner at home? If so tackle the sleep together. My toddler only started sleeping through at 18 months thanks to my partner.

The very hidden and real truth is that sometimes being a Mum can be shit. There's no such thing as a perfect child or Mum - it's OK to occasionally be frustrated or annoyed by your child.
It sounds like you're doing an almost full time job & that is incredibly hard to do with small children. Also, we've either been in lockdown or under severe restrictions for most of your child's life due to Covid.

Please be kind to yourself.
On a practical level you need to sit down and work out who can help you. Maybe get your husband to help more - maybe take alternative nights to get up with your toddler so you at least get every other night when you can sleep better. Do you have parents or in-laws around that can help? Even if you have aunties or uncles around they could maybe take child to the park for a few hours or even better can someone have the child over night occasionally.

Once you've had a bit of a break I'm sure you will feel so much better. As others have said you may also find you have some PND so a GP visit may be useful - but honestly to me you just sound exhausted - and understandably so.

Good Luck - remember you are not alone

I think I would try and tackle the sleep issue and see how you can try and get him to sleep for longer. It seems that the tantrums on his part and the tiredness of both of you will exacerbate all other things.
How you do it I don't quite know but a full night sleep would help you both immensely.
Does he sleep a full night at his dad's? Does he nap in the day?
There are sleep therapists available but think these are private.

Hi OP, I'm sorry things are so tough right now! As well as speaking to your GP/HV, perhaps it is worth approaching "early help" services in your area? Most local authorities offer these type of early intervention services - some may offer family or parenting support services which might be helpful to you.

Your toddler's behaviour sounds entirely normal and when you're sleep deprived it can be really hard to respond rationally and to start to take things personally ("why is it only me he does tbis with?") Your toddler is not trying to piss you off, he is struggling to organise and regulate his emotions!

Look up Janet Lansbury - she has a blog and podcast about toddlers which I have found so helpful in understanding my toddler's behaviour and helping me to reflect on why I am so triggered by certain things!

Take care

I wouldn't rule out a parenting class. There are many different ones out there and will look at how you respond to things. They dint have to be negative. Some are giving you tools on about how to change how you react.

Why is it always your sleep that is disturbed? Is you dh actually equally sharing the mental, childrearing and home keeping load? All those daily and weekly tasks? He is doing his share, properly and without prompting?

Honestly I do think sleep is such a big factor here. I always think that if I get a good sleep, I can deal with anything. He is at a really difficult age, my son isn't much older and if he didn't sleep through, I don't know what I'd do. My son had a stage where he woke up and wanted me. I'd never leave him to cry but I also wouldn't go in his room if he was just having a little whine, I'd go the door and say mummy's here and to get back in his bed. I think if you go in at every little noise, it becomes habit and they expect it. I'm not saying you do I'm just saying what I found. Does he have a comforter? Also a gro clock could be useful.

Parenting is really tough, but you have to look at the positives, do you have good days? What is it within those days that made you enjoy having a child? I think it's wise to seek help from his dad. Maybe more help might relax you and give you time to rest and have a rethink.

It's not a bad idea to go the GP, maybe they could sign you off work, so you could get some rest. Even if it's not PND, lots of us feel like this at some stage. I hope it helps to know you aren't alone.

Also remember he is only like this with you because you are his safe place.

When my youngest DS was 2 he had awful tantrums and wasn't sleeping through. It is hell. Please be kind to yourself, it is a very tough stage. There were times when I did walk out the house as I couldn't cope and left him screaming and trashing the house with his dad. But that phrase does pass, I promise. In the mean time take care of yourself, go to gp if you think you have pnd. Speak to health visitor, or other mums with kids similar ages. Find time for yourself if you can, even 10 mins!

I just wanted to jump in quickly to say I'm often slightly alarmed on threads like these how readily posters suspect the culprit is PND. NOT to downplay the seriousness and reality of that illness, but I think we need to be very, very careful about pathologising women for having an extremely 'normal' response to a very, very difficult situation. Often I think, rather than clinical mental illness, the cause of mothers' distress is more external - sleep deprivation (truly a killer and often a trigger for mental ill health, yes), over demanding job, shit partner..

Sorry this isn't very helpful to you directly OP - guess I just wanted to say it's totally understandable that you're feeling this way.. it is just really really hard. Lots of good practical suggestions for change elsewhere!

You need sleep, it is literal torture to have to survive on broken sleep. Especially if you have to function at work for full time hours.

Is there a reason that it is always you that has to deal with DS overnight? If not, then your DH/DP should be involved to make sure it doesn't all fall on you. Even if its just Friday and Saturday nights, if he won't do more than that.

Your sons behaviour sounds normal to me . Part of having a toddler

What’s kept me sane in half a day a week when I am off work & DC is in childcare, plus one session per weekend when DC with DH and I do my sport