He's basically just dodged it hasn't he

[Graceful5454]

I split last year from my children's dad. I met someone who was just coming out of a rocky patch in his life. For the last 16 months we've been talking and getting closer and eventually back in August we started having sex and are now together. He's currently unemployed and a tad skint but will be working again next month and on good money. So we've only been out for walks or into town etc. Had meals at his. Take aways etc. I sleep over 3 nights a week.

I've not told my family or introduced them as for me it's not at that point. But I have mentioned things to my mum and she ignored me when I told her in a message I was spending time with someone.

I am sick of us being single on Facebook. We have been saying we love eachother for 3 months. I just told him today I'd like to change my relationship status on Facebook so people know I'm not single as I do get the odd messages from males who presume I am. Plus I want people to know. I'm proud and love him.

He put a laughing emoji on the message and said nothing else. So I sent him another and said I wasn't pressuring you to do it if you don't wish to so please don't let that message scare you off. He said scare me behave. So I said I'm not sure if you are at that stage with me. I then wrote something on the end. He acknowledged the end and ignored the bit about that.

Now I know it's only Facebook but his reaction feels like he doesn't want to take single down. He does get abit of attention of women but I trust him not to cheat. But now I feel like he doesn't want people to know about us being as we are.

Kinda feel abit hurt by his reaction. Would you?

I’ll be honest, most people I know don’t bother updating it…some friends haven’t even bothered adding their boyfriends as no one cares. Maybe he thinks you’re joking to take it seriously? Unless he seems very active and invested in Facebook I’d just leave it. Can’t you just ask “what, is that so bad?” And see what he says.

You have been together 16 months and he won't be public with you?

I would be cooling off with him

How much does he use fb? I didn’t have anything about my relationship with DH until we got married. Just because I barely use it.

Does Facebook status really matter to you?? Seriously, who cares??

I would laugh at my actual husband, if he wanted to change our Facebook relationship statuses. God knows what we are - whatever to default is I suppose. I wouldn’t ever be at “that stage” because in my world “that stage” is for teens.

I’d be more concerned about his rocky patch and months of employment.

I didn't update my FB for about 4 years. Is it even visible apart from in the About section?

A laughing emoji? Was he laughing at your request that you be open about your relationship?

I'd be hurt by that and would be considering whether the relationship was what I wanted. If he genuinely loved you, he would be open about you.

I think pps have missed the point - it's the fact that he appears to actively want to keep the relationship a secret. (Assuming I've understood that right)

Be uses it throughout the day. In his mid 40s. Posts a couple of things every other day. Has single posted on his profile and I'll be honest I feel like women presume he's still single from how they write sometimes. I guess I just want to be more official and let our friends know. But I'm guessing he isn't ready. He was with his last girlfriend 8 years and she's still on there in photos etc. Nothing of me yet. Although he does tag me in stuff and doesn't avoid me on there.

Has he told his family and friends about you?

You can just remove your relationship status but I wouldn't take kindly to my partner ignoring or dismissing me.

Although tbf, tagging you regularly in posts probably makes it obvious you're his GF? In which case, I'd be fine with it.

I wouldn't want to be kept a secret, but I wouldn't care about the official status thing as long as he was open about the relationship in other ways.

What’s the relevance of your mum ignoring you mentioning him?

Do you want this fb status as a way to force it on her?

I think it’s odd that you “want people to know”. Surely, anyone that you care about knowing and are friends with on fb, already knows?

As I said in pp, my husband and I haven’t changed our statuses. But my friends have seen our wedding photos on fb, so it’s kind of a give away. Plus, these are people I actually know, so… they all know about him.

Who exactly are you trying proclaim this status to, and why don’t they already know - either from real life with you, or your posts? I certainly don’t post about my husband non stop, but it wouldn’t take much scrolling to see a check in with or a photo of us both.

“I'll be honest I feel like women presume he's still single from how they write sometimes.”

Hmmmm. Reading that, I don’t think your initial, “I trust him not to cheat” is as confident as you wanted it to be.

Twice you’ve now referenced how other women react to him.

There are two things here - the Facebook thing which if I'm being entirely honest sounds rather childish but more importantly that he doesn't want to at the very least appear as though he's off the market. You could say time will tell but then maybe he's just not as into you as you are into him.

Is he open about you in real life?

He's told his cousins and when we are walking together up near his, he's seen with me and calls me his misses or new girlfriend to men. It just feels to me he is dodging calling me it online and I know his last girlfriends been spying and messaging him to ask him about women on his Facebook. He has blocked her. He had a few old female friends on there and one in particular is allover him but has a boyfriend herself. They are all in her 40s. She's even said she wants to meet him for a drink which I don't think he would ever do. She lives 2 hours away.

I think I want him to show me he's not hiding me from Facebook women I guess and that he's serious about me. I'm in my early 30s so there's a 14 year age gap too.

He has no relationship with his dad or sibling and his mum has passed away.

So I said I'm not sure if you are at that stage with me. I then wrote something on the end. He acknowledged the end and ignored the bit about that.

What did you write on the end that he acknowledged?

If you're concerned with men contacting you on FB, you can change your relationship status to whatever you want, as well as your security status so people you don't know can't contact you. But I promise it won't matter. My status has been married forever, and I still get several messages a week from men telling me I'm beautiful, etc. I even got one once from a guy who said he wanted to pay me $5000 to have a baby with him.

I'd imagine that the laughing emoji was him pissing himself laughing about you placing such importance on something as juvenile as a relationship status on social media, rather than a sign that he's not ready to go public with your relationship! You're coming across as an insecure 14 year old rather than a grown woman! I've been married for 20 odd years, and I'm not sure whether DH or I have any relationship status on display. It doesn't matter though, because anyone who knows us knows that we're married!

I guess after the last year of how close we've Been I want us to be official properly. I get a vibe from him he doesn't want to let everyone know such as his ex or certain women who compliment him. I dunno if he's being abit of a sneaky devil and doesn't want to give up the flirting. I trust he Will never meet these women but it does hurt a tiny bit if he wants to keep me at arms length.

@mrsm43s

Yes but that's what I'm saying. His Facebook friends don't know he's in a relationship. I guess I wanted him to be happy for everyone to know.

You don't need to have a FB status to be properly official though. There's no sign of my partner on my FB (or me on his) as when we met people had kind of stopped doing the whole update status thing etc. We've been together years and are buying a house together so it doesn't really mean anything. I'm sure there's plenty people who might think we're both still single but if they don't talk to me enough to know I have a partner I don't care.

It sounds like there's just deeper trust issues going on that need to be looked at.

From my point of view, there’s nothing to worry about. He’s open about you with people he knows, has blocked his ex, not entertained her. Old female friends really shouldn’t worry you. When he said “scare me, behave”, to me that says he wouldn’t be scared off by something so trivial. In my opinion you’re overthinking it.

“doesn't want to give up the flirting”

It’s not acceptable for a man I’m with, to be flirting with others. Whatever our Facebook statuses are.

Why is it acceptable to you?

Pretty much all your posts have shown this comes down to one issue: you don’t like the ways he interacts with other women online.

That either means you have issues, or it means his behaviour crosses a line and your feelings are there for a reason. Honestly, I bet it’s the latter.

Doesn’t even have to be that he’s cheating - it’s OK to not want him flirting either.

Anyway who feels the need to say in their OP that they trust him not to cheat, is - in my book - not trusting him at all. And that’s quite possibly fair enough!