Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

He's basically just dodged it hasn't he

117 replies

Graceful5454 · 03/11/2021 17:32

I split last year from my children's dad. I met someone who was just coming out of a rocky patch in his life. For the last 16 months we've been talking and getting closer and eventually back in August we started having sex and are now together. He's currently unemployed and a tad skint but will be working again next month and on good money. So we've only been out for walks or into town etc. Had meals at his. Take aways etc. I sleep over 3 nights a week.

I've not told my family or introduced them as for me it's not at that point. But I have mentioned things to my mum and she ignored me when I told her in a message I was spending time with someone.

I am sick of us being single on Facebook. We have been saying we love eachother for 3 months. I just told him today I'd like to change my relationship status on Facebook so people know I'm not single as I do get the odd messages from males who presume I am. Plus I want people to know. I'm proud and love him.

He put a laughing emoji on the message and said nothing else. So I sent him another and said I wasn't pressuring you to do it if you don't wish to so please don't let that message scare you off. He said scare me behave. So I said I'm not sure if you are at that stage with me. I then wrote something on the end. He acknowledged the end and ignored the bit about that.

Now I know it's only Facebook but his reaction feels like he doesn't want to take single down. He does get abit of attention of women but I trust him not to cheat. But now I feel like he doesn't want people to know about us being as we are.

Kinda feel abit hurt by his reaction. Would you?

OP posts:

Patapouf · 03/11/2021 18:43

Updating Facebook status is so, so cringe. It's probably less hurtful for him to reply with an emoji than it is for him to say you are being puerile and ridiculous for wanting to do it.

FreedomFaith · 03/11/2021 18:50

@Graceful5454

He's told his cousins and when we are walking together up near his, he's seen with me and calls me his misses or new girlfriend to men. It just feels to me he is dodging calling me it online and I know his last girlfriends been spying and messaging him to ask him about women on his Facebook. He has blocked her. He had a few old female friends on there and one in particular is allover him but has a boyfriend herself. They are all in her 40s. She's even said she wants to meet him for a drink which I don't think he would ever do. She lives 2 hours away.

I think I want him to show me he's not hiding me from Facebook women I guess and that he's serious about me. I'm in my early 30s so there's a 14 year age gap too.

Come in, do you really think him changing his relationship status to in a relationship is going to stop a woman flirting with him? She has a boyfriend and she still does it, you won't matter to her if she really dies want him.

I get what you mean though, it sounds like he isn't interested that much. Maybe he just doesn't consider it important, or maybe he likes the attention from other women. Who knows.

BornIn78 · 03/11/2021 18:52

He’s mid 40’s, unemployed and skint.

I dunno if he's being abit of a sneaky devil and doesn't want to give up the flirting

Of course he doesn’t, he probably whiles while away a good portion of his days Facebook flirting, seeing as he’s not working.

LittleDandelionClock · 03/11/2021 18:53

@FreedomFaith Of COURSE women are a lot less likely to hit on a man who has 'in a relationship' as his facebook status. How daft to think it would make no difference. You must know some questionable women.

I would be very suspicious of a man who refuses to change his facebook status to 'dating.' Obviously doesn't want people to know he is dating.

billy1966 · 03/11/2021 18:53

I don't use FB but I understand OP.

His regular use of FB is key.

He uses it, is on several times a day and gets some female attention which he enjoys via it.

He would prefer to keep his options open.

I think it is fair enough for you to not be impressed.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You have asked.
He has fobbed you off.

I would be taking a very cool look at things with him, he perhaps is enjoying being with you but also open to other approaches.

LittleDandelionClock · 03/11/2021 18:55

@BornIn78

He’s mid 40’s, unemployed and skint.

Not much of a catch is he? You deserve better @Graceful5454

girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 18:56

@Patapouf

Updating Facebook status is so, so cringe. It's probably less hurtful for him to reply with an emoji than it is for him to say you are being puerile and ridiculous for wanting to do it.

It's better for him to be honest than ignorant

Cocomarine · 03/11/2021 19:01

@LittleDandelionClock I don’t think a single reply on this thread has shown snobbery about Facebook. It’s all been about a specific feature: relationship status. And more than that, relationship status as a signal to other people that your boyfriend is not to be flirted with. That’s what people are disparaging of. This is not a thread full of people saying, “why are you even on fb?”

LittleDandelionClock · 03/11/2021 19:05

@Cocomarine I do mean on mumsnet in general. Every thread about facebook has the same ludicrously arrogant and snobby comments about it, from people who think because THEY don't use it, they are somehow better than those who do.

And there have been a bunch of rude comments on here. You have clearly not read the full thread if you think there hasn't been obnoxious remarks against facebook and how 'childish' the OP is.

TravelLost · 03/11/2021 19:07

You need a discussion face to face.
Text messages and emojis can be very hard to interpret and you might well have grabbed the wrong end of the stick or miss the opportunity for him to explain where he stands and why.

Talk to him and clear the air first.

TravelLost · 03/11/2021 19:09

@Patapouf

Updating Facebook status is so, so cringe. It's probably less hurtful for him to reply with an emoji than it is for him to say you are being puerile and ridiculous for wanting to do it.

Well that’s your call.

But many many people use FB a lot and use it as a way to announce all sorts. From a change in Relationship status, to a birth or death.

It’s certainly not up to you to judge people who use that way and tell them they are somehow wrong because YOU find it cringe.

PinkSyCo · 03/11/2021 19:12

I can’t believe the way some adults behave over Facebook. In their 40’s ffs!

I’m sure many FB users can’t believe how some adults behave here on Mumsnet, but that is neither here nor there really is it?

Cocomarine · 03/11/2021 19:18

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Cocomarine I do mean on mumsnet in general. Every thread about facebook has the same ludicrously arrogant and snobby comments about it, from people who think because THEY don't use it, they are somehow better than those who do.

And there have been a bunch of rude comments on here. You have clearly not read the full thread if you think there hasn't been obnoxious remarks against facebook and how 'childish' the OP is. [/quote]
I have read the full thread. And I’ve just re-read it. I can only see one reply that’s against fb in general - and that doesn’t call the OP childish. The childish comment is specifically about how the OP wants to use fb, not fb itself. All the comments are about the relationship status on fb - and most of those are people acknowledging that they use fb themselves (but not the relationship status).

I don’t doubt that you’ve seen fb snobbery on MN - but it’s not on this thread 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sittingonabench · 03/11/2021 19:24

Why did you tell him you weren’t pressuring him into changing his status when that is exactly what your intention was? I feel for you as it’s clearly a very specific insecurity you have - but you have blocked yourself into a corner by saying the above as now being truthful about your insecurity (which I think is the most helpful thing to do in a lasting relationship) will feel like more pressure.

ScabbyHorse · 03/11/2021 19:27

In your OP you say you started having sex in august and also that you started saying you love each other three months ago. That's the same time. Maybe he doesn't see it as a relationship? Why did you text him to ask him to change his Facebook status, surely that should be a face to face chat? I would be hurt too. He should be proud to call you his girlfriend. Otherwise what's the point?

hotmeatymilk · 03/11/2021 19:28

I was nodding along to your post, wondering where it was going, then got to I am sick of us being single on Facebook. Really?!

I’ve been with DP six years, we have a house and child, and if he asked me to change my relationship status on Facebook I too would send the laughing emoji in response.

CSJobseeker · 03/11/2021 19:31

My view has changed now you've said he acknowledges your relationship to his friends etc, and he's blocked his ex.

He doesn't need to change his status to be open about your relationship - this is about your insecurity. I'm married and I left my relationship status on FB blank. Everyone who knows me knows about DH, so it doesn't matter.

More to the point, why are you with him if you don't really trust him? And why do you see yourself as having to compete with other women for this man?

SoupDragon · 03/11/2021 19:36

PMSL at all the slagging off of the boyfriend whilst ignoring the fact that the OP says "I've not told my family or introduced them as for me it's not at that point."

RacketeerRalph · 03/11/2021 19:44

@Cocomarine

I would laugh at my actual husband, if he wanted to change our Facebook relationship statuses. God knows what we are - whatever to default is I suppose. I wouldn’t ever be at “that stage” because in my world “that stage” is for teens.

I’d be more concerned about his rocky patch and months of employment.

This

WonderfulYou · 03/11/2021 19:48

I'm in my early 30s so there's a 14 year age gap too

I thought you were going to be late teens early 20s!!!

Honestly if someone messaged me saying that then I’d send laughing emojis too.
Why do you need Facebook to prove your relationship?

If you’re happy then be happy. You shouldn’t need to update your FB status to probe anything.
I think you’re overthinking things way too much and it seems a little intense. Just enjoy the relationship and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.

Ourlady · 03/11/2021 20:13

I get it OP. Its not necessarily about the fb status, it's acknowledging your relationship. Sounds to me like he enjoys women flirting with him and wants them to think he is available. I would ask him outright if this is his aim. You need to know where you stand before wasting any more time on that wannabe Lothario.

blubberyboo · 03/11/2021 20:20

I think most men in their 40s really don’t see Facebook as the be all and end all to define a relationship. Remember Facebook has been around all your adult life for about 14 years. For him he was already in his early 30s when fb started and so has experience of relationships without a Facebook announcement.
My own husband has a photo of his car and that’s it.. not me or the kids.

I think if he is acknowledging you as his gf in real life then you should be more happy about that. Facebook friends are really not friends at all

MollysDolly · 03/11/2021 20:24

What's relevant is that he's on it all the time. And that he had no problem with his ex being on there with him.

So it's not like it's something he looks at once in a blue moon, as in "how ridiculous, it's barely a part of my life". And he's obviously ok with showing off his partner on FB. He did for 8yrs.

You've been with him for over a year, and asked to now show you the same courtesy. He chooses not too. Massive red flag.

My instinct would say he's wanting to look single for the ex, to keep her fleeting attention. But just say it out loud OP. A 40 something man, spending hours on Facebook, with his drama llama "oh the crazy ex is getting her mates to message me" block, block, block. Come on. Raise your bar.

Thymeout · 03/11/2021 21:07

"You've been with him for over a year..."
I'm a bit confused about the timeline, but I read it as they started talking in July 2020 but have only been sleeping together since Aug 2021. In the last 3 months, they've said they loved each other and 'are now together'.
So it hasn't been v long at all.

And Op has dcs. Has he met them yet? She says that she doesn't feel ready to introduce him to her family. Is that the dcs or her parents etc. Why did her dm ignore the text that said she was seeing someone?

I think there are a lot of more important things that Op should be thinking about than her FaceBook status.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/11/2021 21:13

I really don’t think Facebook status is a thing

Flip

1 2 3 4 5