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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He's basically just dodged it hasn't he

117 replies

Graceful5454 · 03/11/2021 17:32

I split last year from my children's dad. I met someone who was just coming out of a rocky patch in his life. For the last 16 months we've been talking and getting closer and eventually back in August we started having sex and are now together. He's currently unemployed and a tad skint but will be working again next month and on good money. So we've only been out for walks or into town etc. Had meals at his. Take aways etc. I sleep over 3 nights a week.

I've not told my family or introduced them as for me it's not at that point. But I have mentioned things to my mum and she ignored me when I told her in a message I was spending time with someone.

I am sick of us being single on Facebook. We have been saying we love eachother for 3 months. I just told him today I'd like to change my relationship status on Facebook so people know I'm not single as I do get the odd messages from males who presume I am. Plus I want people to know. I'm proud and love him.

He put a laughing emoji on the message and said nothing else. So I sent him another and said I wasn't pressuring you to do it if you don't wish to so please don't let that message scare you off. He said scare me behave. So I said I'm not sure if you are at that stage with me. I then wrote something on the end. He acknowledged the end and ignored the bit about that.

Now I know it's only Facebook but his reaction feels like he doesn't want to take single down. He does get abit of attention of women but I trust him not to cheat. But now I feel like he doesn't want people to know about us being as we are.

Kinda feel abit hurt by his reaction. Would you?

OP posts:
Sprostongreen21 · 05/11/2021 08:30

I’m not really on Facebook now but I’ve been with my partner ten years and never changed my status: it was never visible.
My partners still single on his and both of us still have the same profile photos from before we met Grin. But who cares? I’d been single forever when I met him too. Seriously why is it a big deal? Can you not just tell people you know? My relationship is for us, not to change a status on social media.

ABCDEF1234 · 05/11/2021 09:10

You sound like a 15 year old. Adults do not care about this and he probably didn't respond as he thought you were joking. If I were him and you continued to push this I would be ending things

LettertoHermoine · 05/11/2021 09:47

When you change your status like that, it comes up as a post on FB and I am sure he doesn't want to make a public announcement and have people commenting. You honestly sound like a teenager. Ridiculous.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 05/11/2021 10:00

This bit is fair.

I guess I wanted him to be happy for everyone to know.

But the rest? You absolutely do want him to do it to ward off any interested female friends! He's right!

DiamondBright · 05/11/2021 11:34

I presume a lot of the people commenting have been married for years and haven't dated since social media became a thing.

I definitely saw changing Facebook statuses as important to signify that the relationship is serious and so did DP, no one wants to have to change it back and answer the inevitable questions about what happened so (for most people) it's something you don't do lightly.

RacketeerRalph · 05/11/2021 12:28

@DiamondBright

I presume a lot of the people commenting have been married for years and haven't dated since social media became a thing.

I definitely saw changing Facebook statuses as important to signify that the relationship is serious and so did DP, no one wants to have to change it back and answer the inevitable questions about what happened so (for most people) it's something you don't do lightly.

No.

I am married, but all the dating of my husband and my marriage were done during SM times. I'm married on Facebook, but not linked it to DH. I went from single to married but my relationship status has always been private.

Bookworm20 · 05/11/2021 12:33

@billy1966

I don't use FB but I understand OP.

His regular use of FB is key.

He uses it, is on several times a day and gets some female attention which he enjoys via it.

He would prefer to keep his options open.

I think it is fair enough for you to not be impressed.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You have asked.
He has fobbed you off.

I would be taking a very cool look at things with him, he perhaps is enjoying being with you but also open to other approaches.

This.

The key thing here is that he USES facebook regularly. Therefore he knows very well how it works and you say he has stuff on there from his previous relationship but nothing of you except the odd post hes tagged you in.
Are those tagged posts very clear you are a GF?

During times when people still are not going out as much or meeting up as much, I think him wanting to stay as single on facebook is a bit of a red flag, especially as he uses it so much.
If he thought it was silly or couldn't care less what his status says, then he'd just do it because it obviously means something to you.

The fact he won't. I'm sorry, but I'd be asking why he wants to appear as single to all these people who read and comment on his posts.

You need to ask him directly when you next meet up.

Or post something on your FB, tag him in and announce something like can't wait to meet up with my gorgeous BF later today or something similar and see how he reacts!

Scarydinosaurs · 05/11/2021 13:20

You can’t waste headspace on men like this. He’s lying and being difficult and you know deep down it’s no good.

I wouldn’t even bother going over tbh.

moofolk · 05/11/2021 13:25

I think a lot of people over 40 cringe at the Facebook relationship stuff. I know I do.

That's not about wanting to keep a relationship a secret, but not wanting to post personal stuff all over social media.

Obviously there may be more I'm not seeing, but I would hate it if someone wanted to be effusive about our relationship on Facebook.

gingerroot · 05/11/2021 13:28

my facebook says I am single whilst my pic is from my recent wedding.

my sister on it is actually my ex best friend who I don't talk to.

No one updates it now, it's almost weird.

beastlyslumber · 05/11/2021 13:45

I'm not on facebook at all, but even I know that for people who are, the relationship status is a thing. It might not be meaningful to everyone who uses fb, but it's definitely important to lots of people. So maybe just try and accept that people are different, and some people are more attuned to the general culture/dating culture than others?

Anyway, RED FLAG, OP. He doesn't want people to know he's in a relationship. Why? Presumably because he uses fb to pick up women. He's on there all the time and posts about his life, so it would be natural to post about his exciting new loved-up relationship - if he wanted people to know he was in one.

Plus he doesn't have a job or money.

Plus this has all happened way too fast. "Talking" to someone for a year isn't dating or being in a relationship. How many women do you think he's currently "talking" to on fb?

I'd throw this one back.

ChristmasFluff · 05/11/2021 14:04

All these people saying, 'no-one updates it now' etc - and I am another person who doesn't update mine either - well then why would you not do a small thing to make your loved one happy? And if you genuiely love someone, and you are in a relationhsip -= what's the big deal?

He can't be assed to click a button to reassure his supposed girlfriend and make her happy. Yet he says he loves her.

It's just words. Even the FB status change would mean nothing - but he still can't do it.

He doesn't give a shit about you, OP.

ChristmasFluff · 05/11/2021 14:08

And @moofolk - changing your relationship status is not 'being effusive about your relationship'. It might show up in your friends' newsfeeds, but that's it.

One can always ignore any comments, or even switch off commenting. 5 minute wonder.

People seem somewhat overly concerned about what other people who don't use a platform will think about them....

DracarysThis · 05/11/2021 14:15

Jesus christ OP, you sound very immature. Anyone who invests so much in social media that a relationship status is important really should get a grip. There's more to life than what you post on Facebook, which quite frankly exists to profile you and show you adverts - you're hardly a celebrity, so if you think that this is your moment of glory on social media to advertise your new status, I'm not surprised he sent you a laughing emoji.

MollysDolly · 05/11/2021 14:21

@ChristmasFluff

All these people saying, 'no-one updates it now' etc - and I am another person who doesn't update mine either - well then why would you not do a small thing to make your loved one happy? And if you genuiely love someone, and you are in a relationhsip -= what's the big deal?

He can't be assed to click a button to reassure his supposed girlfriend and make her happy. Yet he says he loves her.

It's just words. Even the FB status change would mean nothing - but he still can't do it.

He doesn't give a shit about you, OP.

This
SoupDragon · 05/11/2021 14:23

He can't be assed to click a button to reassure his supposed girlfriend and make her happy. Yet he says he loves her.

She can't be arsed to introduce him to her family 🤷🏻‍♀️

MollysDolly · 05/11/2021 14:25

I think OP updated to say she wanted to tell her family now, and so could he update his status at the same time.

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