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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He's basically just dodged it hasn't he

117 replies

Graceful5454 · 03/11/2021 17:32

I split last year from my children's dad. I met someone who was just coming out of a rocky patch in his life. For the last 16 months we've been talking and getting closer and eventually back in August we started having sex and are now together. He's currently unemployed and a tad skint but will be working again next month and on good money. So we've only been out for walks or into town etc. Had meals at his. Take aways etc. I sleep over 3 nights a week.

I've not told my family or introduced them as for me it's not at that point. But I have mentioned things to my mum and she ignored me when I told her in a message I was spending time with someone.

I am sick of us being single on Facebook. We have been saying we love eachother for 3 months. I just told him today I'd like to change my relationship status on Facebook so people know I'm not single as I do get the odd messages from males who presume I am. Plus I want people to know. I'm proud and love him.

He put a laughing emoji on the message and said nothing else. So I sent him another and said I wasn't pressuring you to do it if you don't wish to so please don't let that message scare you off. He said scare me behave. So I said I'm not sure if you are at that stage with me. I then wrote something on the end. He acknowledged the end and ignored the bit about that.

Now I know it's only Facebook but his reaction feels like he doesn't want to take single down. He does get abit of attention of women but I trust him not to cheat. But now I feel like he doesn't want people to know about us being as we are.

Kinda feel abit hurt by his reaction. Would you?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 03/11/2021 21:16

This man has a lot bigger issues than his Facebook status, I assure you. In his 40's, skint and no job? This is who you want to bring into your children's lives?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/11/2021 21:16

But generally he does sound a bit of an arse

ittakes2 · 03/11/2021 21:43

Why on earth are you communicating that sort of thing via messaging - its something you need to have a face to face chat with so you can see his facial expressions. Now you have no idea what's going on.

Welshiefluff · 03/11/2021 21:47

Yes you have a right to be annoyed

If you are 14 years old.

bluegreygreen · 03/11/2021 22:39

I've not told my family or introduced them as for me it's not at that point

He's told his cousins and when we are walking together up near his, he's seen with me and calls me his misses or new girlfriend to men

So ... he has told his family and acknowledges you as his girlfriend when he meets people he knows. You haven't told your family as you feel 'it's not at that point'... but he is the unreasonable one for not updating Facebook?

TwinklyBranch · 03/11/2021 22:45

Does Facebook still have 'It's complicated' as an option for relationship status? Maybe you should update yours to that, OP.

MollysDolly · 03/11/2021 22:53

I've not told my family or introduced them as for me it's not at that point.

I completely missed this in the OP.

So none of your family are on your Facebook presumably, as you the relationship isn't at a point you want to tell them.

You doing want to tell your family. You just want him to post a public service announcement to his ex.

WTF475878237NC · 03/11/2021 22:54

I may be being generous here but this is a man with no relationship with his surviving family and his mum has died. To me I wonder how all of this has impacted on his beliefs about relationships and hope for the future. It might be hard to trust happiness.

In terms of Facebook it seems like a red herring and as you've acknowledged was more about feeling validated and secure. I wonder why this wasn't a conversation you had in person rather than via text as it was obviously important for you.
It seems like this relationship is quite under developed, a little superficial or as though you both hold back.

SoupDragon · 04/11/2021 08:20

Massive red flag.

Is it more or less of a red flag than the OP not wanting to introduce or mention him to her family?

Original poster

Graceful5454 · 04/11/2021 17:24

He blew off today about it. I wanted to tell my family about us and said I'd like to remove single of my Facebook and he kicked off and said he thought I was behaving jealous. I hung up at that point. Then when we spoke later on be claimed because I hung up he didn't get time to explain what he meant by jealous. He said I know your not jealous of me. I said to him so you are saying you think I want to change out status so your female Facebook friends can see we are together. He said he didn't know why he felt it but he felt I was acting jealous but wasn't apparently saying I'm jealous.

Anyway it's because I questioned him a few days ago on an ex school friend who's been telling him he's gorgeous in all his photos and letting him know she's always there for him and hearting all his pictures. She's not seen him in 30 years but keeps saying they should meet for coffee.

So it seems like he feels I only want to change our relationships to let women know he's mine.

Starting to think it's a joke of a relationship if I'm honest. I've got children and it doesn't seem to be going in a mature direction. I'm going around his tonight to stay and feel perhaps it's time to consider going our own separate ways. I told him earlier I'm not having a relationship with anyone who can't respect me.

So yeah. Think its a dead end.

OP posts:

Maunderingdrunkenly · 04/11/2021 17:48

He sounds like a child OP honestly. I’ve had one of these and you end up slipping down the rabbit hole of bullshit with them until you get as bad. His vibe/value system is so far from a loving caring supportive partner you’ll start to forget what one looks like, and always be begging for scraps.

You can definitely do better!!

Sally872 · 04/11/2021 17:49

You do want him to change his Facebook status so other women know. And it does sound jealous. Also you've only added introducing family to make the Facebook thing sound less ridiculous.

MissConductUS · 04/11/2021 18:03

He's a player. He wants the attention from other women. You're not looking for the same things, so best to move on.

LittleDandelionClock · 04/11/2021 18:19

Good choice @Graceful5454 Ditch his sorry ass. A middle aged man who is skint and jobless isn't exactly the catch of the year anyway is he?! You can do better!

Cocomarine · 04/11/2021 18:35

@Graceful5454 “So it seems like he feels I only want to change our relationships to let women know he's mine.”

But that’s true.

But whatever - he’s a loser. Ditch him.

MatildaIThink · 04/11/2021 18:43

Te Facebook thing is entirely a red herring, either your relationship is good, you meet his friends in real life etc. and you get on well. Status on Facebook is meaningless.

Bonsaibreaker · 04/11/2021 18:49

I just checked my FB and it says single....dating same man for 7 years oops

Having read your last update I think he is right about your reasons.
However if you are not happy with his level of commitment then end the relationship.

grapewine · 04/11/2021 18:50

@Theunamedcat

You have been together 16 months and he won't be public with you?

I would be cooling off with him

OP hasn't told people either though

Suprima · 05/11/2021 07:22

I wouldn’t be telling people about someone who was clearly flirting with other people through Facebook and masquerading as single on it

To everyone saying ‘a relationship status on Facebook isn’t a thing’ or making comments as to it being irrelevant and nothing to do with ‘real life’ - it’s pretty bloody relevant if he’s a prolific Facebook user and publicly flirting with ransoms

howmuchmningistoomuch · 05/11/2021 07:58

It’s going nowhere OP. Get out whilst you can and don’t lend him any £.

SoupDragon · 05/11/2021 08:00

So it seems like he feels I only want to change our relationships to let women know he's mine.

He is absolutely right. If a man was trying to insist on this he would be called "controlling."

Starting to think it's a joke of a relationship if I'm honest. I've got children and it doesn't seem to be going in a mature direction.

How "mature"is it to be complaining about a status on Facebook though?

Maunderingdrunkenly · 05/11/2021 08:13

@SoupDragon
That notwithstanding, are you actually arguing that the OP’s finding fault with this guy is wrong and this is a relationship worth saving?

SoupDragon · 05/11/2021 08:17

[quote Maunderingdrunkenly]@SoupDragon
That notwithstanding, are you actually arguing that the OP’s finding fault with this guy is wrong and this is a relationship worth saving?[/quote]
I'm saying that she is as bad as he is. It's ridiculous.

thepeopleversuswork · 05/11/2021 08:22

I find it absolutely bizarre that of all the things to be preoccupied with in a relationship, Facebook status is a priority.

I have been with somebody for three years and we are not “together” on Facebook. FB isn’t the Bible of my life and I couldn’t get upset about this. Honestly I think turning this into a big thing is controlling and weird.

Tailendofsummer · 05/11/2021 08:25

I am married and I have no idea what my status on Facebook is.. when did Facebook start? It'll be whatever it was then. What I want to know though is where are all the single men who should be propositioning me if my status is incorrect?

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