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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's basically just dodged it hasn't he

117 replies

Graceful5454 · 03/11/2021 17:32

I split last year from my children's dad. I met someone who was just coming out of a rocky patch in his life. For the last 16 months we've been talking and getting closer and eventually back in August we started having sex and are now together. He's currently unemployed and a tad skint but will be working again next month and on good money. So we've only been out for walks or into town etc. Had meals at his. Take aways etc. I sleep over 3 nights a week.

I've not told my family or introduced them as for me it's not at that point. But I have mentioned things to my mum and she ignored me when I told her in a message I was spending time with someone.

I am sick of us being single on Facebook. We have been saying we love eachother for 3 months. I just told him today I'd like to change my relationship status on Facebook so people know I'm not single as I do get the odd messages from males who presume I am. Plus I want people to know. I'm proud and love him.

He put a laughing emoji on the message and said nothing else. So I sent him another and said I wasn't pressuring you to do it if you don't wish to so please don't let that message scare you off. He said scare me behave. So I said I'm not sure if you are at that stage with me. I then wrote something on the end. He acknowledged the end and ignored the bit about that.

Now I know it's only Facebook but his reaction feels like he doesn't want to take single down. He does get abit of attention of women but I trust him not to cheat. But now I feel like he doesn't want people to know about us being as we are.

Kinda feel abit hurt by his reaction. Would you?

OP posts:
Chikapu · 03/11/2021 18:00

I guess after the last year of how close we've Been I want us to be official properly

And you think announcing it on FB is the only way to achieve that? Sounds a bit pathetic tbh.

mrsm43s · 03/11/2021 18:00

[quote Graceful5454]@mrsm43s

Yes but that's what I'm saying. His Facebook friends don't know he's in a relationship. I guess I wanted him to be happy for everyone to know.[/quote]
But "Facebook friends" who he doesn't see in real life aren't important people in his life. They're probably a bunch of old school friends, old work colleagues, or mates from years ago that he doesn't hang out with any more. Important people in his life will know, because you will have met them.

Updating your relationship status on FB doesn't make you "official" or make your relationship any more serious, or mean anything significant at all! Your relationship is what it is, regardless of what is written on social media!

I'm not quite sure why Pete that your boyfriend went to school with 20 years ago, and Dave that your boyfriend worked with a decade ago, but neither of whom you've ever met knowing that you're in a relationship with your boyfriend is so important to you. They won't care! And them knowing would change nothing and prove nothing.

girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 18:00

[quote Graceful5454]@mrsm43s

Yes but that's what I'm saying. His Facebook friends don't know he's in a relationship. I guess I wanted him to be happy for everyone to know.[/quote]
My friend of 7 years recently got married and changed her relation status. Before that it's always showed as single.

Cocomarine · 03/11/2021 18:02

“ certain women who compliment him”

Could you explain that a bit more?
Is he a gym bunny type with 100s of “friends” he’s never met who has women posting “nice abs 😉” and he’s liking the ego boost. Or are these women that he actually knows?

PinkSyCo · 03/11/2021 18:02

Going against the grain here, but now he knows how important him changing his FB status is to you, I’d be at best hurt and at worst suspicious if he wouldn’t now oblige.

MidgeRidge · 03/11/2021 18:02

How much does he do on Fb? I haven’t posted on mine for ages and my husband has come off it. Tomorrow I’m meeting an old male friend for lunch and am excited to see him - doesn’t mean I’m going to be flirting or doing anything untoward. My husband knows that and is happy for me to go. Just maybe have a good think to consider whether you really have anything to worry about or if the two of you just place different levels of importance on the online world.

SunshineCake1 · 03/11/2021 18:06

I just don't understand an adult wanting to have their relationship status on FB. Surely no one over 14 cares who is going out with who.

Seems like you aren't very secure in his feelings for you or the seriousness of the relationship.

CreepySpider · 03/11/2021 18:07

I had no idea people in their 30s and 40s thought Facebook statues were important. I don’t mean this nastily, but are you sure the laughing emoji wasn’t because he though the whole need to be updating Facebook was ridiculous? If I’m wrong, and it’s what you and your circle of friends do and rely on, then you’ll need to explain to him why it’s important to you.

SparrowNest · 03/11/2021 18:07

I think other posters are focusing on showing they’re too mature to worry about Facebook and missing the point, which is that OP’s partner (who is a regular Facebook user) seems to be dodging the issue when she asks him, effectively, to be open about the fact they’re in a relationship.

Cocomarine · 03/11/2021 18:07

@mrsm43s it’s not Pete and Dave that bother the OP though: it’s Petra and Davina.

I agree with everything you’ve said about fb official being meaningless - but it’s obviously key to understanding what’s going on with the OP to look at why it’s women on fb that she wants to be seeing this “official status”.

MissConductUS · 03/11/2021 18:09

Facebook is the root of all evil.

You are overthinking this.

Cocomarine · 03/11/2021 18:10

@SparrowNest

I think other posters are focusing on showing they’re too mature to worry about Facebook and missing the point, which is that OP’s partner (who is a regular Facebook user) seems to be dodging the issue when she asks him, effectively, to be open about the fact they’re in a relationship.
I’d be interested to know if their relationship started with him as a stranger “sliding into her DMs”.
Gilly12345 · 03/11/2021 18:10

Facebook would be the last place I would be broadcasting details of my life, I find it stupid that people want to post details about who they are in a relationship with, it is childish and remind me of school.

What matters is who you tell face to face of your family and friends you tell of your relationship.

Yummypumpkin · 03/11/2021 18:14

He's chill.

You're exhausting.

He wasn't ignoring you. He was replying and cool about it. It's not a big deal to him. It is to you.

So you kept needling him.

Is my read.

JustLyra · 03/11/2021 18:16

People posting about how little they use Facebook and how they don’t like it are (deliberately) missing the point.

It would be odd for me to insist that DH ha a status about me being his wife on FB because he doesn’t have a FB.

However, given my BIL posts on it daily about everything from the gym, work, his pets, hobbies and politics and has his workplace, his hometown, his old Uni etc all listed on his profile, as well as having his cousins all linked in the bit that you can do that it would be downright odd for him not to have SIL mentioned.

It’s not about if everyone should announce their relationship on social media, but someone who uses it for everything else and has always had their relationships listed choosing not too for once and why.

mrsm43s · 03/11/2021 18:17

[quote Cocomarine]@mrsm43s it’s not Pete and Dave that bother the OP though: it’s Petra and Davina.

I agree with everything you’ve said about fb official being meaningless - but it’s obviously key to understanding what’s going on with the OP to look at why it’s women on fb that she wants to be seeing this “official status”.[/quote]
Maybe. But that's a much deeper problem that won't be magically solved by updating her Facebook relationship status.

OP, if you don't trust your boyfriend, you have a problem. You need to deal with that, rather than getting worked up about social media relationship statuses.

If he's going to cheat, he'll cheat regardless of whether he's listed as "single" or "in a relationship" on Facebook!

His Facebook status proves literally nothing about your relationship.

LittleDandelionClock · 03/11/2021 18:17

YANBU @Graceful5454 and IMO this man doesn't seem to think much of you if he doesn't want to change his relationship status (on facebook) to 'in a relationship with graceful5454...' He may think it's trivial and silly (as some people on here clearly do!) but it means a lot to you, so he should do it.

He doesn't sound too serious about the relationship sorry ... Also, and I know I am crossing a line here, but you're in your 30s and he is nearly 50. He is a bit old for you tbh, and the way he is dismissing you and making out facebook is 'daft' shows the generation gap between the two of you, and it shows it's going to be a problem.

From what you've said, as I said, I don't see the relationship working long term.

And I do believe he doesn't want people women to know he is in a relationship. He is definitely not as much 'into' the relationship as you are

MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/11/2021 18:18

Even if he doesn’t want to make the relationship with you public he can still remove ‘single’ from his profile and you can change your status to ‘in a relationship’ without needing to tag him or have your profiles linked.

industryofficegrey · 03/11/2021 18:27

Men like this need to flirt and sext etc with women who are not their gfs because it does a lot for their ego to feel desired.

My ex was like this - he did have some legitimately platonic female friends, but always seemed to be gaining new 'friends' at work etc (hospitality) - I eventually caught him cheating with someone he met at a hobby (had suspected a couple of other times).

We were together a long time and begged me not to end it, but could never really give me an answer on why he couldn't just NOT message other women Hmm and why I wasn't enough. It just made him feel good and he needed it I think - he was very insecure really, but acted like the big man if you see what I mean.

So if your fella is not even willing to 'in a relationship with' you on Facebook, I don't think it bodes well. He'll always need attention from women that you can't give him.

Summerfun54321 · 03/11/2021 18:29

The thought of someone asking me to change my relationship status on Facebook made me cringe so hard.

cupofdecaf · 03/11/2021 18:29

I removed my relationship status years ago so I was neither single nor with someone on Facebook. As far as Facebook is concerned me and DH are friends. Neither of us feels the need to tell Facebook we're married.

Sally872 · 03/11/2021 18:36

It's been 3 months, he might really like you but changing Facebook status isn't for everyone. I have so many ex colleagues and school friends I really don't want to update these acquaintances on every split.

Are you exclusive? If yes and he told his cousins and other real life people then I wouldn't care about Facebook. Especially as he tags you in photos etc you aren't a secret either. Don't overthink it.

cushioncovers · 03/11/2021 18:36

I loathe updating my fb status to let the world know my business but I'm always happy tell my nearest and dearest my news. Maybe he feels the same. Fb isn't real life.

user1471442488 · 03/11/2021 18:40

I can’t believe the way some adults behave over Facebook. In their 40’s ffs!

LittleDandelionClock · 03/11/2021 18:41

@industryofficegrey

Men like this need to flirt and sext etc with women who are not their gfs because it does a lot for their ego to feel desired.

My ex was like this - he did have some legitimately platonic female friends, but always seemed to be gaining new 'friends' at work etc (hospitality) - I eventually caught him cheating with someone he met at a hobby (had suspected a couple of other times).

We were together a long time and begged me not to end it, but could never really give me an answer on why he couldn't just NOT message other women Hmm and why I wasn't enough. It just made him feel good and he needed it I think - he was very insecure really, but acted like the big man if you see what I mean.

So if your fella is not even willing to 'in a relationship with' you on Facebook, I don't think it bodes well. He'll always need attention from women that you can't give him.

100% this. ^

@Graceful5454 Take no notice of the 'facebook is shit' and you are so childish' comments. People have no right to dismiss and poo-poo your views and the way you feel.

I get sick of the facebook snobbery on here, and the demeaning and arrogant comments about it, calling people childish and infantile for using it. Nearly 3 billion people across the globe use it, and the snobbery towards it is pathetic.

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