Can you ever really come back from having huge fights with in laws ?

[nubbie]

To cut a long story short, I think there's a big personality clash between my in laws and I.

I don't think they're bad people. I don't think they generally mean harm. But it's just a bad fit.

We've had various big fights over the years.

I think eventually both sides will just give up and we will stop seeing each other socially. I would never stop them from seeing the grand children. But I just wouldn't spend time socially with them.

I think the narratives between us are so deeply engrained on each side, that there's always going to be friction.

It's always the same, they say something upsetting. I either let it go or I tell them please not to say or do whatever it is. They say I'm sensitive and shouldn't be upset and that they only ever mean good.

I understand it takes two sides to have a fight. But they never take any blame at all and basically attack my character. Saying I have a chip on my shoulder, a horrible mind and that I twist what they do.

They don't apologise for upsetting me. I end up apologising to them for making them aware of having upset me. Because I genuinely am sorry about it, because they just don't understand it. It's a character clash.

Anyway, it's just not healthy for anyone. Has anyone ever come back from a situation like this ?

And before everyone tells me that I'm the issue, I do think about this a lot and I analyse myself and I really really try to let as much stuff as possible go. But sometimes it just gets too much and I have to say something to stand up for myself.

As I said, it's not black and white. I understand sometimes I need to let things go/ not take things to heart and just brush stuff off. I try to do it as much as possible. But I acknowledge this to them as well and I apologise.

They don't seem to see any error in their ways and always put the blame on me having a strange personality and I just can't accept that's the only reason there's a problem.

It's a clash, which I'm happy to acknowledge, but they do not. They say it's me only.

Any advice ?

@Justilou1

My MIL has tried to break up both of her son’s marriages. (Ain’t she a peach?) BIL hated her before he was married, so no danger there, but my DH wears rose-coloured glasses. I stayed silent for years, and tolerated her splitting, games and tantrums until she called my DD (then almost12) a slut. That was the last straw. I lost my shit with her and told her not to ever darken my door again. Nearly six years later and she’s still trying shit with DH. When our borders open again, DBIL (love him) is going to set him straight once and for all. (BOY ARE THERE SOME STORIES!!!)

If my husband still wanted contact with, let alone a relationship with his mum after she called her grandchild - his own daughter, a slut, we would be divorced. End of story. No fucking way would I share a house with him. He would have to go NC that very day it happened, or he would have divorce papers. I would choose my DAUGHTER, over a weak disgraceful excuse of a man that excused his daughter being called a slut by his mother. Somethings are unforgiveable and if he didn't go NC that very same afternoon, we would be over. I would walk and never, NEVER look back at him. EVER. As a mother, my children come first.

Stay away from them. Keep your children away from them. Your in-laws are toxic.

OP they not only seem to be from an entirely different mentality and culture from you (and virtually everyone else) they seem from a totally different planet - avoid! Why not actually take some sort of noisy siren or ''attack alarm'' device with you when you visit and let it off if they are offensive and then go home without talking to them - they might get the message! These devices are readily available.

Hi OP
I really think you should have no further contact with your in-laws OP. I rarely say this on here as often you can’t tell there’s another interpretation of the behaviour. However from the examples you’ve given there’s clear evidence they are bullying you and using the classic tactic of saying you are too sensitive to belittle you if you try and defend yourself. The language they use to describe you and your DH when he’s protecting you is also very negative and I wouldn’t want my DC witnessing these interactions. I get on okay with my in-laws but would not hesitate to go NC if they did this. Your DH can always facilitate a relationship with them and the DC.

@TheGirlCat - she lives nearly 4500km away. They haven’t seen her since. They have no interest in contact with her either. (The kids didn’t like her before then. I just gave them the choice speak to her or not since - and they have always chosen NOT) He has his own relationship with her and it’s via phone. She tells him how I never respond to her calls or messages, and I’m accused of being a rude, sulky cow (by her). I have given him free reign to check my phone to see that these phone calls and messages are fictitious, but he hasn’t taken me up on it. He desperately needs to hold on to his mirage of his mother as a saintly human.

OP, you are frantically trying to find some justification for your in laws' awful behaviour. "It's just a personality clash." "They're from a different generation."

No. They are rude, bullying, nasty pieces of work. They are emotionally abusive. No abuser is abusive ALL the time, because then it would be easy to leave, wouldn't it? Goggle the cycle of abuse, this is a recognised pattern of behaviour.

Regarding "they do nice things for me sometimes" - how much of the time do you think it is OK for them to be awful towards you? 10%? 20%? If I have you a mug that was mostly coffee but 10% or 20% shit, would you drink it? ANY amount of abuse is unacceptable.

Remove yourself from these toxic people. Read Toxic In Laws by Susan Forward. Refuse them access to your precious children. Take a deep breath, let them go and proceed to enjoy life without being bullied by "family".

Your mil sounds horrible. The sort of person that makes comments like that and then doubles down when the other person rightly complains is just not nice. I would definitely keep the kids away too as if she can behave like this to you and won’t accept your dh’s choices she isn’t going to be any different with them in the long run. They don’t need this kind of negative influence in their lives.

@Outfoxedbyrabbits

OP, you are frantically trying to find some justification for your in laws' awful behaviour. "It's just a personality clash." "They're from a different generation."

No. They are rude, bullying, nasty pieces of work. They are emotionally abusive. No abuser is abusive ALL the time, because then it would be easy to leave, wouldn't it? Goggle the cycle of abuse, this is a recognised pattern of behaviour.

Regarding "they do nice things for me sometimes" - how much of the time do you think it is OK for them to be awful towards you? 10%? 20%? If I have you a mug that was mostly coffee but 10% or 20% shit, would you drink it? ANY amount of abuse is unacceptable.

Remove yourself from these toxic people. Read Toxic In Laws by Susan Forward. Refuse them access to your precious children. Take a deep breath, let them go and proceed to enjoy life without being bullied by "family".

Thanks for the advice and the book recommendation.

I think I find it difficult to trust myself because I know that because of all that's happened, I really despise her/ them. So sometimes that does cloud my judgement and maybe something another person would say, won't bother me, but because they did, it does.

So sometimes it's difficult to see clearly out of my own dislike for them. However it was all started by generally stuff they actually did.

@nubbie - You’re absolutely allowed to despise them. It’s a logical response to the way they treat you. They have shown you over and over again that they actually despise you too. You keep throwing yourself under the bus by repeatedly going back for more hoping that they will have changed. They have shown you who they are and you are trying to see them as someone else. Take off your rose-coloured glasses and stop allowing yourself to be the puppy that keeps coming back to be kicked.

@nubbie your situation reminds me very much of my relationship with my in laws.

Do you normally 'despise people'? Are you that kind of person in general? I assume you are not, so it's worth examining why they bring out that reaction in you.

I felt the same way, my in laws were nails on a chalk board to me- but it was posting here and then therapy that made me realise my feelings were a normal and healthy reaction to prolonged emotional abuse.

They are abusive. Please read Susan Forwards book and if you can afford it, seek counseling as well. You've been trained by them to swallow your own feelings and defer to their comfort constantly. That's part of the abuse cycle.

You need to listen to your own feelings and get comfortable expressing them and prioritising your own comfort and happiness.

Sorry just want to add, the lightbulb moment for me was realising that everything i was doing 'to keep the peace' wasn't working, because it was never peaceful for me.

Think about whether anyone in this situation is putting half the effort into your peace as you are into theirs.

My in-laws are very unpleasant, FIL in particular. Not so much personal insults like your inlaws but nonetheless not people I care to tolerate. Very early in to my relationship with my partner (25 yrs ago) I told him that my contact with them would be very limited. Fortunately he was supportive. In all those years I have socialised with them no more than 4 or 5 times and they only live ten minutes away. I think its been over 5 yrs since I saw them in person. My partner and daughter see them regularly and I'm fine with that. You really need to stop blaming yourself as your in-laws sound horrendous and you shouldn't have to put up with that . Honestly going very very low contact with mine is the best thing I ever did.

My mil was vile to me some years back. I had planned a surprise party for dh and she was incandescent not to be invited (our friends only) and screamed at me down the phone.. v nasty.

She’s an old lady now, I’d do anything as she’s dh’s mum but after what happened I know I’d never be close to her; she’d blown it with me.

You are giving them far far too much credit. They know exactly what they are doing. They probably get much delight in being nasty to you and winding you up. They are just nasty toxic people who you will never be able to please or have a normal relationship with.
It's nothing you have done and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
I would be seriously worried about the impact their words and actions will have on your children. They won't stop just because your children are there.
I would go NC and if they want to call you nasty names then let them. You will know it's them who have the problem not you. You sound like a really nice lady but too softhearted and willing to give others the benefit of the doubt when they absolutely do not deserve it. I think it's time you take care of your own mental health and cut them off.

Op, I always believe in giving people a second chance.
And I also understand it can be so hard when a beloved family member marries someone they don't like. But there is never ever an excuse to make rude personal comments, or cross boundaries, be rude belittle you when you said stop.

They are not only totally disrespectful they are gas lighting you.

You have really tried enough and the result is your deeply unhappy, worried, second guessing yourself.

Your self esteem sounds low. Do you have parents or your own family support?
It's definitely too short a life to worry any longer about this though.
Gently, without fireworks or announcements pull away, be ill the first few invitations or expectations, I'll, busy... And let things fade.

After a while when you not going has become the normal thing explain to dh you feel much happier and won't go.

Re the dc, well, it's incredible hard isn't it, i would be very cautious around such people.

• for years I sat biting my tongue being polite, listening to endless stories about themselves, no interest in me at all... Getting dh to call, go around, make an effort sometimes, buying gifts....

Guess what.
They still absolutely hated me and disrespected me. They had a second and a third chance.

I had HUGE fights with my ex-husband's family when we first got married, in particular with his father and brothers (the females in his family are a lot more reasonable). I moved out and divorced my husband mainly because I couldn't take his older brother's awful treatment of me anymore. After I left his older brother told me to never contact him.

Fast forward five or so years later and his older brother contacted me(!) saying that I should come back to my ex-husband because of course "the whole family always loved you" I guess my ex's new girlfriend was worse than me

Why are you standing there arguing with them? You just pick up dc, say we must be going and breeze out. I wouldn't be wasting my energy fighting with them