Can you ever really come back from having huge fights with in laws ?

[nubbie]

To cut a long story short, I think there's a big personality clash between my in laws and I.

I don't think they're bad people. I don't think they generally mean harm. But it's just a bad fit.

We've had various big fights over the years.

I think eventually both sides will just give up and we will stop seeing each other socially. I would never stop them from seeing the grand children. But I just wouldn't spend time socially with them.

I think the narratives between us are so deeply engrained on each side, that there's always going to be friction.

It's always the same, they say something upsetting. I either let it go or I tell them please not to say or do whatever it is. They say I'm sensitive and shouldn't be upset and that they only ever mean good.

I understand it takes two sides to have a fight. But they never take any blame at all and basically attack my character. Saying I have a chip on my shoulder, a horrible mind and that I twist what they do.

They don't apologise for upsetting me. I end up apologising to them for making them aware of having upset me. Because I genuinely am sorry about it, because they just don't understand it. It's a character clash.

Anyway, it's just not healthy for anyone. Has anyone ever come back from a situation like this ?

And before everyone tells me that I'm the issue, I do think about this a lot and I analyse myself and I really really try to let as much stuff as possible go. But sometimes it just gets too much and I have to say something to stand up for myself.

As I said, it's not black and white. I understand sometimes I need to let things go/ not take things to heart and just brush stuff off. I try to do it as much as possible. But I acknowledge this to them as well and I apologise.

They don't seem to see any error in their ways and always put the blame on me having a strange personality and I just can't accept that's the only reason there's a problem.

It's a clash, which I'm happy to acknowledge, but they do not. They say it's me only.

Any advice ?

@billy1966

I feel really sorry for your children that you would want them around such people.

That you would want your little children to grow up seeing their mother ridiculed, insulted and bullied.

I wouldn't want my precious children around this so I can't imagine why anyone would want their children to see such awful behaviour that would be so confusing and damaging for them.

I think you would hugely benefit from counselling to understand why you think you feel the need to apologise to someone who has been so rude and unkind to you.

Kindly no wonder your MH is fragile to be swallowing such a poisonous environment.

In short, can you move?

Because if at all possible I would start packing if you can't cut them out.

Take care.

I find it hard because they do nice things for me too. They try to do the right things some of the time.

They also like to bring that up when we fight, how good they are to me and how I don't appreciate them. How they want to treat me like their daughter.

I don't think that they ever treat me like they're daughter though. They'd always side with their blood family anyway. They also say it's in my head that they don't like me and that they do like me. Personally I don't think they like me at all.

This is definitely MIL problem, she is a cheeky rude so and so.
I think it would be best to go NC let your partner visit if he wants.
She is toxic.

Just so you know, my MIL is pretty similar. She’s been problematic since we met, but I wiped her nearly six years ago (Time flies 🤣) when she called our then 12 year old DD1 a slut and did some other equally horrible crap with our other kids. (They loathed her before that, though…) MIL’s latest BS is a recurring theme, where she tells my DH that she has been trying to contact me for the last six years - leaving voice mails (I don’t have voice mail set up on my phone), sending cards and gifts, (ummm…. 🤷🏼‍♀️) and calling my land line (nope.. don’t have one of them either.) sending emails, etc. According to DH, I’m rude because I don’t reply and and I’m being an arsehole. He knows my policy on manners. He knows about my lack of voicemail and landline. He just doesn’t want to admit that his mum’s a lying cowbag. It’s safer for him to believe that I’m a liar than his mum. My DH has rose-coloured glasses and has rewritten history so that he can perpetuate his image of his mum as a decent human being. (His brother is MUCH less idealistic than my DH. He barely tolerated her, his oldest kids know exactly what they’re dealing with and can choose to see her or not (they choose not) and the youngest who’s little is not allowed unsupervised visits or calls. (Hasn’t stopped the divide and conquer tactics - but she gets hung up on when that shit happens.) Next time DBIL and DH catch up in person - currently separated by huge distance and Covid - He is going to set him VERY straight.) won’t interfere with his choices, but I can decide to ensure my kids are kept safe from her machinations. (Luckily borders are closed to her too atm.)

So what if they occasionally do nice things.
They are poisonous.

Value your life.
Your MH is priceless.

Stop being around these people.

Mind yourself.

I find it hard because they do nice things for me too. They try to do the right things some of the time.
I cannot stand this, either be nice or be a arsehole but playing both is a terrible weapon to use on someone.

"I find it hard because they do nice things for me too. They try to do the right things some of the time."

That's classic abusive though isn't it?

Just do enough "good" to make the bad seem tolerable.

I find my ILs hard to get on with.

But telling me what to do, huge fights?

Absolutely not!

I've never had huge fights with anyone & it wouldn't happen more than once.

It's just not the usual way of things for me.

*I find it hard because they do nice things for me too. They try to do the right things some of the time.

They also like to bring that up when we fight, how good they are to me and how I don't appreciate them. How they want to treat me like their daughter.*

So because they are nice to you .00000001% of the time, you have to put up with their sh*t, their ridicule, them going out of the way to humiliate you in front of people. You deserve so much better than this OP. They are doing this on purpose. They are miserable, nasty people and they’re going to continue as long as they have ways to to do so. It is never going to end and you are never going to be like their daughter. If they were doing this to your children, would you sit back and let them, no. Don’t let them continue to do this to you. They are not good to you, they are the absolute opposite. They’ve been doing this to you for so long that your self-worth is about gone. You are worthy and you don’t need them.

Hmm. Reading your post op you seem to be fighting yourself or so uncertain of yourself. Whilst there is two sides to every story there is very few good ways to interpret the bum comment story. Unless you'd just announced that you are a huge Kim Kardashian admirer and saving up for bum surgery or something. But the cherry on the cake is that when you say please don't or you don't like it, you get ridiculed or told you're sensitive. No. At that point whether you're sensitive or not they should have some respect and cut it out. I think you need to be more calm and certain. Just say "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that" or "please don't talk to me like that." Or "please don't talk about me in that way. I don't enjoy it" . So what if they accuse you of being a killjoy?. If you're not enjoying it it isn't a joke as far as you're concerned. If you just say this really firmly and calmly and without backing down or questioning everything about yourself all the time I think they will be forced to stop making belittling comments and forced to have some respect unless they are willing to escalate and make themselves look absolutely ridiculous. I think it's your questioning of yourself which is the problem. I imagine it means that there's the potential that when you do respond it could maybe become emotional or blow up because you question yourself and put up with stuff and then get really hurt or sensitive. (excuse me if I've got that totally wrong! I was just reading between the lines. Please ignore if that's not right. )It's not over sensitive not to want to be spoken about in this way or have people making comments on bodyparts! I don't think you need them to recognise its hurtful. You just need to be able to stand up for yourself, say not to do it and be calm and collected. I think relations can improve if mutual respect comes about. And if you can back yourself more and be more calm and confident in your position I think there is a good chance they will be forced to act more respectfully towards you because otherwise they have to really push the bum comment thing or whatever which just is so blinking unreasonable. And if they do persist in being so unreasonable you can maybe draw a line on what you're putting up with and whether you want to see them socially etc.

Ps when I said it's your questioning yourself that's the problem I didn't mean that it's you that's creating this problem. What I mean is that other people can be awful or annoying or unreasonable. But the lack of confidence in yourself is causing you a problem in that you can't seem to back yourself fully when drawing that line. It's not unreasonable to want someone to stop making personal comments. And if they bring it up endlessly perhaps you need a calm way of saying you don't know why they are bringing it up again. People shouldn't be making such personal comments and you stand by that.

Violent husbands often buy their wives jewellery after they have broken bones. It doesn’t mean they’re decent human beings or genuinely remorseful.

@Hadtocomment

Ps when I said it's your questioning yourself that's the problem I didn't mean that it's you that's creating this problem. What I mean is that other people can be awful or annoying or unreasonable. But the lack of confidence in yourself is causing you a problem in that you can't seem to back yourself fully when drawing that line. It's not unreasonable to want someone to stop making personal comments. And if they bring it up endlessly perhaps you need a calm way of saying you don't know why they are bringing it up again. People shouldn't be making such personal comments and you stand by that.

You're right, I definitely do question myself a lot about it. I really don't want to be a hypocrite and I also find it hard because I've been so worn down by it. I also find it difficult to believe in myself because it's several people against me and also because two of them are older and I can't help but feel disrespectful when I'm standing up to them in full force. It's a combination of things. But I think I have at times responded in a less than calm manner. Or I start off calm and then they push my buttons so I explode. Firm and calm is better, like you say. No discussion.

Maybe try saying "Oh. OK." after horrible statements and just looking at them vaguely. That way you're not arguing, but they have been acknowledged. Or just a polite smile and changing the subject, if in company. One way to train them out of this is to let them embarrass themselves in front of other people - surely the onlookers in the bum episode must have been as mortified as you?

I won’t put up with her shit. She is a horrible bully and your dh is not helping. I would definitely withdraw from her and I certainly wouldn’t allow her to start this shit with my dc!

No I dont think you can I tried for years with my in-laws. I spent too many years letting things go and when I started sticking up for myself if went down like a lead balloon. Some in-laws never accept you as a family member.

Its a shame because my very first set of in-laws were lovely (dd1 grandparents) I was maid of honour at their wedding and still have a lovely warm relationship with them. My in-laws now see me as an outsider upsetting their weird family dynamic and its travelled through the rest of DH family - even though ive only ever been nice to them.

@billy1966

I feel really sorry for your children that you would want them around such people.

That you would want your little children to grow up seeing their mother ridiculed, insulted and bullied.

I wouldn't want my precious children around this so I can't imagine why anyone would want their children to see such awful behaviour that would be so confusing and damaging for them.

I think you would hugely benefit from counselling to understand why you think you feel the need to apologise to someone who has been so rude and unkind to you.

Kindly no wonder your MH is fragile to be swallowing such a poisonous environment.

In short, can you move?

Because if at all possible I would start packing if you can't cut them out.

Take care.

This OP.

OP are you/ ILs from different cultures? If ILs aren’t British or don’t have a British way of thinking, this massively changes the advice here

@Redcart21

OP are you/ ILs from different cultures? If ILs aren’t British or don’t have a British way of thinking, this massively changes the advice here

Same culture. Different generation I guess.

I don't think there is any return after bust-ups with in-laws. I decided in the summer, after a major personal milestone was ignored by them, that I had had enough of being pleasant. Almost three decades of trying and I have withdrawn from them almost completely. I don't even think they have noticed but I feel better!

I’m not sure there is an easy return after a major bust-up, and I think that will actually work in your favour. Your argument now is that it’s clear you don’t, and can’t, get on, so the best course of action is to keep each other at arm’s length.

I had a massive row with mine after 22 years of snide comments, thinly veiled criticism and rudeness about my family. It ended with us agreeing to make a “fresh start”. This worked the next time I saw them, but after that they were back to their usual ways. The problem is, I think, that they just cannot accept they can ever be wrong or act improperly. In fact during the argument whenever I told them that they made me feel a certain way their response was just to shout “that’s not true!” As if they could actually know?! They also are still keeping a written list, which was started many years ago, of all my various faults and transgressions. As a result I have very little to do with them and, incidentally, when our paths have to cross I always firmly challenge any shitty comments immediately.

I resonate with this completely! I am the Meghan markle of my family, always thought the worst of before anything even happens but because it's all of them so intricately linked and never looking at themselves reflectively it's easier to label me as the problem and black sheep.
I hate it, it affects my mental health so badly and my relationship with my husband but he is never supportive of me and unfortunately feel like we are in the same stalemate as you. I wish we could sever ties, it would not be a loss on my part.
No advice there at all, just venting my own issues 😂

@Allthenamesaretaken0

I resonate with this completely! I am the Meghan markle of my family, always thought the worst of before anything even happens but because it's all of them so intricately linked and never looking at themselves reflectively it's easier to label me as the problem and black sheep. I hate it, it affects my mental health so badly and my relationship with my husband but he is never supportive of me and unfortunately feel like we are in the same stalemate as you. I wish we could sever ties, it would not be a loss on my part. No advice there at all, just venting my own issues 😂

@Allthenamesaretaken0 Why are you still with the arsehole if he is never supportive of you? For me it would be support me or we're OVER and he gets out. I would not put up with such disrespect and lack of love and support.

Yes we’ve had 2 bust ups with our in-laws. The peacemaker in me made the effort and we’ve recovered quite well, that was several years ago now. I’ll never forget how they treated me but it does no one any favours to hold onto the past. That said if it happened again I think I’d cut my losses.

The question for me would be why would you want to bother to come back from it knowing that it'll just be years of the same, with children then either bullied also, spectators to it or both?

@Allthenamesaretaken0

I resonate with this completely! I am the Meghan markle of my family, always thought the worst of before anything even happens but because it's all of them so intricately linked and never looking at themselves reflectively it's easier to label me as the problem and black sheep. I hate it, it affects my mental health so badly and my relationship with my husband but he is never supportive of me and unfortunately feel like we are in the same stalemate as you. I wish we could sever ties, it would not be a loss on my part. No advice there at all, just venting my own issues 😂

This sucks. I'm sorry. You deserve more.

My MIL has tried to break up both of her son’s marriages. (Ain’t she a peach?) BIL hated her before he was married, so no danger there, but my DH wears rose-coloured glasses. I stayed silent for years, and tolerated her splitting, games and tantrums until she called my DD (then almost12) a slut. That was the last straw. I lost my shit with her and told her not to ever darken my door again. Nearly six years later and she’s still trying shit with DH. When our borders open again, DBIL (love him) is going to set him straight once and for all. (BOY ARE THERE SOME STORIES!!!)